Still unbelievable

Discussion in 'Loss of Adult Child' started by Sils, Oct 28, 2018.

  1. Sils

    Sils New Member

    On May 7, 2017 my daughter Jayme died from from a major heart attack. She was 37. When she was 30 she picked up a 10lb bag of mulch and the aorta of her heart split in an area that made it irreparable. Drs said it was an undiagnosed heart defect. Over the next 7 years her health declined until she really had no quality of life. She was virtually bedridden. She had been placed on the heart transplant list. The first 14 months I guess have passed in a kind of time warp. I get up, I go to work, I interact with coworkers, students, family, and friends. I laugh and smile. I talk about her with my other two daughters and we laugh about some of the things Jayme would do or say. When I’m alone, and I feel the tears start, I stop them and think of something else really fast. Her birthday and Christmas are just a few days apart and I thought we all handled it last year really well. The past two weeks my world has blown up. I have developed a terrific case of can’t remember s$&t. In the middle of saying something I lose my train of thought and go blank, and since I teach that’s not such a good thing. I was horrid to a coworker a few days ago even tho I felt like I had been provoked. I went to the cemetery Thursday and there I saw it. The mound that has been over her grave is gone. In the two months since I had been there, her grave is now as smooth as the others around her. She isn’t coming back. No matter how much I have lied to myself she isn’t coming back. I’m not ever going to hear that silly laugh or that long drawn out mommm ever ever again. I have cried nonstop for the past 4 days. And I am tired. Sorry this is so long and rambly but I have needed to say all this.
  2. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your daughter. Considering what you have been through, I think you have done remarkably well. Having memory lapses is not uncommon. I don't know anyone whose mind works the same as it did before their loss. Mine certainly doesn't. I can relate to going to the cemetery and not seeing the mound of dirt anymore. It does put a finality to it. There is nothing I or anyone can say to make you feel better. Hopefully, being able to vent (in person or online) will help.
  3. I hear you Sils, I lost my amazing son at 37yrs I don't think I will ever accept it in a way. He was living away from home and for me I keep reminding myself we will be together again, just don't know when.
    When I saw the day after he passed it seemed like he was still here, just sleeping.
    Though at his viewing days later it didn't look like him so for me it was not him.
    I got through the funeral feeling that it wasn't him at all.
    He is somewhere and I will be going there too.