Still not "over it" 4 years later

Discussion in 'Finding it Difficult to Move Foward' started by Amonett, Nov 6, 2018.

  1. Amonett

    Amonett New Member

    My Grandparents raised me.. well pretty much. My Mom worked 3rd shift and my Dad worked 2nd so I stayed 6 nights a week at my Grandparents house. I was closest to my Grandma and her to I. My Grandma taught me my spelling words, my Grandparents took me on vacations, and tucked me in at night. My Mom ran me around after school going to extra curriculars and we all went to church each weekend with my Great Grandma.

    In 2010 my Mom got diagnosed with Alzheiners at 58 years old. In 2014 my Grandma died suddenly. When she died, I had to provide support to my Mom. I feel I didnt really get to grieve. In 2016 my Grandpa died, this time my Mom wasn't lucid enough to understand it happened, but bringing her to the services was challenging and I again felt I didnt get to grieve. This followed by the extended family disputes over money and property that came after.

    So it's just my Dad and I left. And,well, my Mom is here but she hasnt known me or my kids for about 3 years. She recently went into a Memory Care home. My Dad and I took care of her as long as we could but she has a hard time eating now, incontinent, not able to use utincils and cant string a sentance together any longer. It's sad that at 66 years old shes much much less lucid than the 90 yr old ladies that are at the home with her.

    So yes, I'm grateful for my Dad but he's not the most emotional guy and I miss the support my Grandparents gave me and the relationships they had with my kids. My Grandma also watched my oldest for me when she was born. They had a special relationship and I'm glad my oldest got a chance to know what it was like to stay at their house.

    So 4 years and 2 years respectively later I still cry multiple times a week- wishing my Grandparents were here. Before my Grandpa died he also got dementia and wasn't quite himself although he never got as bad as my Mom is now. I feel like I mourn their death and mourn the life I cant share with my Mom. I go and see my Grandparents grave at least once a month but I find myself there any time im having a bad day and would want to talk to them.

    At 36 years old none of my peers understand the dementia and although many have lost a Grandparent they dont understand why I feel like I lost my parents instead.. it's just an odd situation because of how much time I spent with my Grandparents.

    I often feel like no one, even my husband, thinks I'm as special as my Grandparents and Mom did. It's like I'm not worth the time to most and wont ever be again...that ship has sailed.

    So, here's the kicker...I own a mental health clinician. Yup I'm a therapist and not only that, I'm other therapists supervisor. So I give support to the other therapists when they feel they are overextended but its unprofessional for me to reach out to do the same as it's a role of caregiver of sorts.

    I suppose that sums my life up: caregiver, supporter...

    I support my kids, my husband, my clients, my Mom, my Dad, my employees, but who is my support system? When looking for strengths in clients I access their support system, its truly pathetic I really dont have one myself.

    So knowing what I know, I know I have to do something different. I have to start that self care, preventative care somewhere.. so, here I am.....
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Amonett, thank you for being here and for sharing your story with us. You touched on a few things that I think can be common after we've lost someone we love. First, is that when we lose a parent or parent figure, we lose not just the person but the confidence and unconditional love they provided us. Yes, there are a number of people in happy marriages, with good kids and good friends who still feel that they are not treasured by those people in the way a parent or grandparent did. If we're lucky, we get to spend a lot of our life feeling perfect in someone's eyes, and to lose that is significant.
    I'm including two articles here that I hope can be a help. The first relates to the loss of a parent, and I think it can apply both to the actual loss of your grandmother and some of the ways you have already lost your mom. I am also including something on disenfranchised grief, a term you may already be familiar with...but again in both instances, dealing with the loss of your grandmother, and trying to cope with your Mom's dementia it may help explain why others just don't understand. I'm glad you are reaching out, and wish you some peace and healing in the days ahead~
  3. jt74

    jt74 Member

    I understand how spouses can not fully get it. I lost my mom 3 years ago last month, and my husband LOVED my mom. It's been tough celebrating holidays since she's gone, and this past Christmas my husband stated "For some reason, we haven't been celebrating much". I was thinking "I know my reason!" I thought it was insensitive, and it's just because he doesn't get it; he still has both of his parents. And I know he loved my mom, and he took her death pretty hard, but doesn't miss her like I do so he can't fully understand how missing the one you love just engulfs your world, and it's tough accepting that they're gone. No matter our profession or career, sometimes we need help processing grief. My hat is off to you for reaching out for help. I hope you find or read something that uplifts you. My sympathies to you and your family.
  4. Katllyn12

    Katllyn12 New Member

    Hi thank you so much for sharing. I can relate so well. I lost my dad 4 years ago as of May 21st, and have struggled with it on and off for the last 4 years. My dad had an illness and suddenly went down hill before he passed. He was my rock and it’s been hard. I have two young children and they were pretty little when he passed. I am currently struggling because I feel like my relationship with my mom has been pulled apart. We have had a contentious relic ship at times over the years, but she has pulled away a lot since my dad passed. She is now in a new relationship and we see her less and less. I am an adult and also work in a social service setting so I understand logically how to mange my feelings but I struggle put it into practise. My husband also has both his parents so he doesn’t understand how I feel. I don’t talk about my grief much because I always feel like I should be stronger. I can’t talk about it with my mom because she is at a different stage. I also lost my grandparents at a young age and am an only child, so I miss a lot of the people who were a big part of my life. Thank you for sharing. I know it is incredibly hard to open up.