In February of 2020 a close friend died in a car crash. The next day my dog died. Two days after that, my family’s house burned down with my dad inside. He was also my best friend and ally in my family. I had also helped him the family business for 20 years, so I lost my job too. This was a lot to cope with in a 4 day period. But then Covid happened. I moved with my mom to Los Angeles as she wanted to be closer to my sister. I came to help her get established in her new home in a new city. Now, she is doing great. She’s in great health for an 85 year old. She is engaged with life, loves her home and enjoys shopping and lunches out. But I am struggling. I have been feeling increasingly numb. Incapable of summoning up interest for anything I used to enjoy. I have been able to find an apartment on my own, and a desk job but am dealing with ageism in the workplace and lack of promotional opportunities, so am struggling financially as well after what has been a great career with my family business. At first I put in a lot of effort to try to make some friends, and I have made a few casual friends, but find myself merely enduring social contact. Nothing brings joy. I have tried medication, therapy, etc. I am just exhausted all of the time. I miss my dad every day. I feel incredibly lonely, even in crowds. It’s been 5 years and I am terrified that I will never feel joy again. I am just existing. I hesitate to share this with people I meet, because whenever I do, people don’t know how to react. So to avoid being a downer, I just act like I am okay. But I’m really not okay.
