Stages of Grief: Anger

I hope you got some more sleep. I’m not sleeping well either. I was better for a while but that’s gone. My experience with benedryl it knocks me out cold. My son suffers with allergies, years ago unbeknownst to me he took a full dose of benedryl. He was sleeping on the couch, got up and almost fell over I caught him and guided him to a chair. Asked him what’s going on. He said he took those pink pills. I asked how many, he says a full dose. Yikes. I knew he shouldn’t take a full dose. Guided him back to the couch. We laugh over that often. He was slurring his words. Slept it off.
It’s crazy how exhausted we all are yet can’t sleep. ❤️Ronin

 

Robin,

I WISH Benedryl would knock me out cold! lol It just relaxes me mostly (but I'm only taking half of one, most of the time).

I'm glad you were there when your son took it. Sounds like he could have gone down pretty easily.

Yes, how can we be this tired and still not sleep. But my mind won't let me stay asleep. I doze and wake up thinking or panicking or crying or....every few minutes in the recliner. Then I try to go to bed, lie down and miss him even more (reaching across to his side of the bed or hugging his pillow and I tell him how much I miss him...) and start thinking and crying and end up wide awake. Then I go back to the recliner and start the whole process over again. That is how it's been. It's so exhausting.
I feel sorry for Miles. I know he can't rest or sleep because I can't rest or sleep. And I feel like his health will decline because I can't let him get the sleep that HE needs either. My poor sweet dog. He is by my side constantly though. Awake or asleep. Bless his sweet heart. What would I do without him?

Also sorry for continuing to change my pic here. I'm not being a weirdo - I'm trying to find one that doesn't make me feel sad. So I thought maybe me alone might help. But it doesn't help. I think I'll go with no pic. Then there's nothing that will trigger a memory or make me feel anything.

I hope you and I can both SLEEP tonight. ♥

 

Lou and Marcey or is it Stacy? I think your name changed while I was away. Anyway, have you both tried Valerian Root for sleep? Worth a try. I don't take anything due to the fact everything makes me drowsy the next day.

 

Robin, Stacey and Karen,

Sleep was one of those things I used to take for granted. I will NEVER take sleep for granted again!!! I don't have trouble falling asleep. I take either 5 or 10 mgs of Nature Made Melatonin about an hour before I want to go to bed. It usually knocks me out before I make it to the bedroom, and I wake up on the couch, with the TV still on. As soon as I wake up, I go right to bed. I try to fall back asleep, hugging Bob's pillow. Sometimes I can fall back asleep, but there are way too many nights my mind won't let me. Too many memories..., no "off switch," all of them have me reaching for the box of tissues I keep by my bed... It's not just the memories that keep me awake, I worry about much needed household repairs, finances... I think about where I might want to move to, then I worry about how I would be able to handle not only selling my house, figuring out where I want to live, buying another one, but also a really big move, alone... I try to follow my own advice, not to think too far ahead into the future, to take things one day at a time, "baby steps." However, lying in bed, with no distractions, has my brain working overtime. I can't stop worrying and thinking about even those things that I'm no where near ready to handle yet. I try as hard as I can to be optimistic, that things will work out. I try to be kind to myself, thinking about all the things I've already accomplished on my own, that at one time, I would have thought I would never have been able to do alone, without Bob.

Backing up a bit, the worst are those moments, when for a split second, I wake up, thinking Bob is still here. As soon as I realize his side of the bed is cold..., empty... those floodgates open, I can't stop crying... Sometimes, I'm able to cry myself back to sleep, but even if I'm able to do this, my body won't let me stay asleep. The older I get, the worse my plumbing system is. I know I shouldn't drink as much tea as I do after dinner, I've tried to stop, but it's a tough habit for me to break. I find it comforting, and love holding that warm cup, while wrapped in that super soft bereavement blanket my best friend sent me, thinking about the beautiful saying on it... Whenever I wrap myself up in my special blanket, it (almost) feels like I'm getting a big hug from Bob, and makes me feel closer to him.

If my brain isn't too foggy this afternoon, I don't think any of you are able to take melatonin. Benadryl doesn't make me drowsy, although it makes everyone else I know tired. Robin, I'm so glad you were able to catch your son before he fell!!!

I'm wondering if a combination of melatonin and Valerian Root might help. Karen, I've never heard of Valerian Root before. Is there a certain brand I should buy? Do you know if it's okay to take it in combination with melatonin? My primary care physician gave me a script for sleeping pills right after Bob died. I don't want to take them. I don't want to become dependent on them. Also like you, I don't want to be drowsy the next day.

Stacey, I never thought, even for a split second that you're a "weirdo!!" I "get" it, about not being able to find a picture that won't make you feel sad. Sadly from here on out, life is always going to be bittersweet. Mary, on a much earlier message, on another thread, talked about how our grief will always remain the same, but we will grow around our grief as we continue to experience life without our spouses. Eventually, we will cry less, and smile more. I'm thinking this is sort of similar to the way Robin describes it, as happy mixed with sad, smiles mixed with tears... I don't know if there will ever be a day I'll be able to look at pictures from what used to be my life, and not cry. I totally "get it," anything and everything can be a trigger. Triggers just SUCK!!!

I have hope for the future. I have to believe that in time, all of us will be able to sleep better, will be able to find as Karen says, contentment, and I hope happiness too, although I have no idea what this new kind of happiness will look like. Without hope, there is no way we can heal. However, sleep is so important to our health, both physically and mentally, that I can't imagine being able to move forward much, until we find a way to get some much needed quality sleep...

I wish so much I had a magic wand, could wave it over all of our heads, all of TGW heads, over the heads of every single member of GIC, and from here on out, all of us would be able to sleep well every night...

As always, sending you hugs, sending Teddy, Miles and Rambo, members of TGW TC, hugs too, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Lou,

Just read your message to Stacey. I'm so glad that you had fun at your "Cheers" like bar last night. I hope that you were able to go to the Legion this morning, and enjoyed some good conversation along with that coffee, and that the rest of your day has been a good one.

It's been pouring here the entire day, cloudy, gray skies, and very cold. It was only in the forties around 9:30 this morning when I left home to do some errands, and it's still only in the forties. I cranked up the heat, but I'm still freezing, my fingers are purple as I'm "talking" to you. Although my electric bills are really high in the warmer months, I'm glad I have gas heat, so much less expensive than oil. However, when the homes in my neighborhood were built, I think they built them using the cheapest windows they could get away with. It really doesn't matter if the heat is cranked up, it's still freezing in here, TU!!! If I ever decided to stay in this house, one of the first things on my household repairs to do list would be to replace the windows.

Another one of my super short messages. As usual, I'm thinking about Bob and smiling... He would be shocked at how short so many of my messages have been lately. I can only imagine what he would have to say about this one.

I need to make another cup of HOT!!! tea, but need to go outside first and get my mail. I was hoping the rain would let up a little bit first, but I guess Mother Nature has other plans for SC today.

As always, sending you hugs, hugs to Guppa too, although I think you mentioned that you probably won't be seeing him much during the winter, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I think my response got pushed up instead at the bottom of the quote to Deb.

 

Deb,

You are wonderful. Thank you for "getting" it (everything I have said here) and I know that you do. Thank you for your encouragement too.

We will be okay in time. Deep wounds heal slowly (as my mom has told me -and she knows). And we are all learning how to live a completely different life. This is a (rest of our) life-long process. Depending on when you ask me, I do have hope that this won't always feel so desperately sad and scary. That we will get more and more used to our new lives and we will in time, be able to smile more (and mean it). ♥

I go through similar scenarios at nighttime when my brain should let me sleep. The sadness of what has happened, the lonliness for him and our life and time together, and the fear and overwhelm of what is left for me to do and deal with. It's a lot. I'm so sorry for your pain Deb. ♥

Today my son went with me to sell our second car. Lots of tears again. I put off my trip till tomorrow (for various reasons) and got that done. It was painful.
So another connection to Mark is gone from my life. Tomorrow driving to the kids up north, for the first time (driving it and without him - both firsts).
Everything is hard. And I know everyone here is going through similar scenarios. And I'm sorry.

Karen, I have not tried Valerian Root, but I will take a whack at it! Thank you for mentioning it.
And yes, I decided to share mine and my husbands names a few days ago. Marcey is my online name/handle. I will answer to either one. ♥

 

Stacy I have a white noise machine by Avantec that helps me sleep. It has 20 different sounds from ocean waves crackling fire trains conversations in a restaurant or bar and then different fans noises bird songs and more. it’s only 50 bucks. I have been on sleep medicine for 18 months. I can’t tell you all the different names. some of them worked some of the time nothing gave consistent results. They are linked to cancer and dementia. The last two nights I’ve gone without sleep meds and I’m trying to stay off them. Insomnia Solved by Brandon Peters helped me. The book has a six week course and if followed sleep will improve. I increased my sleep by two hours. When I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep I start counting backwards from fifty to one on each breath. Concentrate on your chest rising and falling. if a thought comes into your mind try to push it out and concentrate only on your breathing and your chest rising and falling. With practice it will work. Try a brief pause before the inhale breath and after the exhale. Rhythm helps out. I’m starting to ramble. I hope this has been somewhat helpful. Gary

 

Gary, thank you! Yes, that sounds very helpful! I will look up the book and will definitely try the breathing exercise. It sounds relaxing at the very least. I can imagine that it would be very helpful to put me to/back to sleep.

Even Benedryl is linked to dementia, I believe. My mom isn't happy that I take it (not every night, but most nights I take half of one). I would always rather find a natural solution to any problem, so I will do this! And probably order some Valerian Root (suggested by Karen) as well.

Thank you Gary. I hope YOU sleep very well tonight!

 

To you, Stacy and Deb. I have gone through sleepless nights for months. I have no remedy but time. 1 year does change the course of grief. I can sleep now and only wake up once When I do wake up I lay there and try to brainwash my thinking not to go back, not to think of being alone, not to go over my life with Jack. I try to put these thoughts out of my mind otherwise I will become (depressed in the still of the dark) which to me is worse than depressed during days. I think I can handle grief during days, but not night time. Nights are the lonely times for my existence.

I hope your noise machine works for you, let us know. Blessings, Karen

 

Deb, you can buy Valerian Root in capsules at any vitamin store or on line. I use NOW vitamins, not sure you have that brand, but Amazon does. Best to start with just Valerian. I'm not sure about incorporating melatonin together. Depends on one's system. Good luck, hope it helps. K

 

Stacey,

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to respond!!! Between the reboot, and my internet connection that needs caffeine injected into it IV style, I've had a difficult time finding messages and responding to them. I'm so sorry for your pain too... Grieving..., it just SUCKS, TU!!! I wish I could reach out, give you the biggest hug ever, and we could talk..., cry together..., over lots of Peet's coffee. I hate!!! that you and so many others can relate to my seemingly endless sleepless nights... However, I'm so grateful that we have each other to lean on, even though all we can do is give each other virtual hugs.

I'm very glad your son went with you to sell your second car and that you didn't have to do it alone. I "get" those tears too. I have a few things in the garage that were Bob's that I really don't need, and know I'll never use, but I can't seem to either give them to people who could use them or sell them. Although I did bring most of his things to Goodwill, and gave my neighbors things they could use, the garage was his "man cave." He hung pictures on the walls, including a wooden sign he had made for our business years ago. I remember him proudly bringing it home to show me before hanging it outside of our office. I need a tissue... The garage still has some of Bob's "personality," and if I give or sell those few remaining things, I will feel like I lost another "piece" of him. Backing up just a bit, the one thing I will never throw away is that sign. If I move, I'm hanging that sign in my new garage...

I hope you had a safe, "uneventful" trip north and are enjoying (as best as you can) your visit. The drive must have been very difficult. As much as you love your children and are happy to be spending time with them, seeing them must be so bittersweet... It makes me so sad knowing that from now on, life at best, will be bittersweet for all of us. I think you are very brave and strong to have been able to take Miles and go back to the place where you and Mark spent your honeymoon, return home and sell the second car, and the next day travel north for the first time to visit with your children, without Mark. I think you have taken some big steps forward towards healing.

Wait... backing way up, by being able to refer to Mark using his real name here, was a big step forward too. I remember how difficult it was for me to share Bob's name for the first time with TGW. I couldn't stop crying... It made his death seem so much more "real," even though I knew rationally he was gone.

I hope you also have a safe and "uneventful" trip home. "Talk" when you get back.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

So sorry for your loss.All what you said is how I still feel after losing my wife to cancer a year and nine months ago.It’s still so devastating,the empty seat on the couch,driving by yourself,the empty bed,dinners by yourself,watching movies alone,can’t watch the shows we used to watch,hear about the trips your friends go on with their wives for they are retired also I could go on and on. How about all the cliches that we get ,it’s will get better with time,it was their time,they are in a better place,be thankful for the time you had they mean well but have no clue.Marcey definitely no need to apologize for this is the hardest part of life to have to go through and we all share in this ,it’s a heart that we didn’t know could be broken this bad.A close friend told me we are not prepared for this life altering event and just do the best that you can.Everyday I wish my wife was here and I will always want her back and damn I just don’t know ,I wish none of us were on this site for then all would be well.No easy answers and I still have many questions and always will.All I still say is be good to yourself and be very courageous and God bless you.

 

Thank you Tgotyall. Thank you for your understanding and compassion. I too am very sorry for your loss and that you know firsthand what this feels like.
Your friend is right. There is nothing to prepare for this kind of devastating, life-altering loss and all we can do is keep trying our best to keep on going.

My mom (who lost my dad after 24 years of marriage) said the pain never goes away, but it does dull over time and things will get easier. And that "deep wounds take longer to heal." And there is no deeper wound than losing your mate (in my opinion). It will get better with time. But everyone is different and there is no right or wrong timetable. Like your friend said - you just do your best. That's all we can do.

I am finding that some things that brought me joy before, still do (with the ever-present underlying pain of loss that will remain, of course). I decorated our home for Christmas. I enjoyed the process and am enjoying the results. It's still pretty to sit there and look at the decorations (between tears, but I'm still glad I did it and it kept me busy doing something I have always enjoyed, for the better part of a week). I drove myself to one of our favorite vacation destinations. It was hard but it was still beautiful. It was painful but I'm proud of myself for going and I'm glad I did it. That, to me, is doing the best I can and trying to keep on. Because the other half of me wants to curl up in the fetal position in our bed, quit eating and drinking and just let myself go be with him.
So I'll keep trying. For my family. For my dog. And for my husband, who would want me to have a good rest of my life. However long or short that will be.
I will do my best.

Thank you again for your kind words. Hang in there.

 

Thank you Deb. ♥

I think that's great that you would keep your husbands sign and hang it in his honor (and for you to keep that connection to him) wherever you will be. ♥

Thank you for your support and understanding. Like we all know here, just about everything we have to face or do now, is painful, hard, challenging.
I was trying to prepare myself for all the "firsts" that everyone keeps talking about. But I've had hundreds of firsts already and I've noted that seconds, thirds and forths are just as painful, unfortunately. Every time I go to a store that we would go to together (all of them), every time I sit in church, go to our kids, climb into bed, sit and watch tv... It all hurts, every single time. It probably hasn't been long enough for any pain to begin to dull. But still ..... Everything. Hurts.
But, I have already had some enjoyable moments and some genuine smiles. Sometimes even alone. Most of the time with my children and grandchildren, and my best friend (she can always make me laugh, for real. God bless her!) But I've caught myself smiling and even laughing at something on TV. And that surprised me. And helped me realize that I will be okay. And I just embrace a positive feeling, for as long as it lasts. And I let myself feel whatever pain is washing over me, too, for as long as that lasts.

The hardest part for me are the bouts of sheer panic and fear and absolute heartbreak as if I JUST realized what happened. And the OMG WHAT HAPPENED?!?! OH NOOOO NO NO!!! That washes over me from time to time, out of nowhere. That crap is the worst. It's so hard to take. Thank God that He doesn't allow me to stay there for long.

The trip is going pretty well. It's keeping me busy and that is good. I'm enjoying my family and that is good. Will try to keep focusing on the good.

I hope you had a peaceful night and will be able to enjoy your day ahead. ♥♥ S

 

Gary,

My kid's dog kept me from sleeping tonight. I just re-read your tips and am going to try the counting backwards thing now, to try to get some more sleep. I won't be able to function around the grands today, if I don't sleep at least a little more! ugh
Thank you again for the tips. I will look into the white noise machine when I have time, too. Thanks again.
I hope you are sleeping better and off of the meds. ♥ S

 

Dear Fellow GW's,

I've been dealing with a lot of changes and decisions and the emotions that go with. It has taken almost all of my concentration and energy. But I'm still around. I may never be able to catch up with all the posts I've missed. Just scanning them is about all I can seem to do right now.

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still around and checking in from time to time. And I will interact as much as I am able, in the future.

Feel free to DM me if anyone wants a faster response since I am missing a lot of posts here right now. (I'm trying though, to be consistent - because I genuinely care about all ya'll!).

Be good to you today! ((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) Stacey

 

Stacey, welcome back!! Was worried
that you dropped out of GIC. I "talk" with
Deb, Gary, Karen, Robin, George, and
Patti ( who's taking a break right now).
We liked your inspirational speeches
from movies. My wife,Linda,died 3 years
ago, yesterday. Instead of staying home
alone & crying, I went to my local bar,
the Shack ( even though I gave up
drinking 2 years ago). 3 people joined me
in a toast to Linda. We all smiled, even
though they never met her. Lou

 

Stacy, good to hear from you, I was wondering too if you were going to stay with us. Things can get so busy the first months of a death, so much to do. I'm sure you are so busy right now at the same time grieving, it's not easy. Take care, Karen