Stages of Grief: Anger

God Bless You, Karen, for reaching out to
Paulette (pjrurup). You are an amazing,
bright, and yes, funny woman. We had a
lot in common in the drinking dept. Like
you, I tend to go to bed early AND take
naps, all part of mourner's fatigue. I will
follow your example, and Stacy's, in
welcoming Paulette. I have a feeling she
will stay with us. I really hope so. Lou

 

Correction: Stacey, not "Stacy"

 

Stacey, we missed you & were worried
about you. You sent us funny and also,
inspirational movie speeches, and music
montages of old Hollywood. But, I knew
that was a distraction from your endless
mourning for Mark. I'm so glad that you &
Karen reached out to comfort Paulette
(pjrurup). I had recommended that you
listen to the audio version of The Widower's Notebook, in the morning,
over coffee, not at night, in bed. One
chapter addresses your anger with
insensitive people : Stupid Things Said By
Smart People. I wish people would just
listen, put a hand on your shoulder, and
offer specific help, like grocery shopping,
to make your life easier, while you
mourn. I am lucky that I have such a
friend, who's like a daughter to me. She
drives me to the supermarket once a week,
bc I'm a senior who chooses not to have a
car. Lou

 

I am so sorry to all of you who were so kind greeting me and sharing your stories with me. October through January were an exceptionally difficult time starting with my late husband's birthday through all of the first holiday's without him. I took a bit of a nose dive and went ghost an pretty much everyone and everything, so my sincere apologies to you all, I promise it was nothing personal at all. I just went through and read all of your beautiful commented and deeply personal stories and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for how welcoming and kind you a have been. I am so sorry for all of your losses. I know the passing holidays must be a difficult time for all of us, I wish I had dealt a little better with my grief and had checked in here to see how everyone else was managing this hard time. Maybe it would have helped me some, I don't know. Regardless, while I'm sad as to why we are all here, I'm glad to find commonality with others through this heartbreaking journey. So thank you all, again, just for being willing to share and lend an ear as they say.

To Robin, Lou, Karen, and Gary in particular, I meant no offense by taking so long to respond. I thought I was doing fairly well all considered but then everything just kind of took a nose dive for me. I'm slowly pulling myself back up and decided to give this group another try because of people such as yourselves. So thank you, you're all beautiful souls and I appreciate you all.

 

AmberGrace,

No need to apologize EVER!!! for being MIA!!! All of us have been where you were, unable to "talk," needing space..., space to try to process the most heartbreaking event in our entire lives... Grieving is both emotionally and physically draining, zapping us of much needed strength, leaving us exhausted, unable to get quality sleep, the little sleep we do manage to get, especially soon after the one true love of our lives death, is often interrupted by horrible nightmares, nightmares of our spouses' who have been taken away from us much too soon... Even when we can manage to snag some sleep, once awake, we know that the side of the bed they slept on will always be cold..., empty. Reality slowly seeps in. Slowly our hearts catch up with what our heads always knew - The one true love of our lives is NEVER!!! coming back. We are alone, alone until it is our time to leave this earth, be reunited with them. It SUCKS!!!

While there are certain feelings that all of us share after this most heartbreaking loss, the time it takes us to be able to "talk" about our grief, is different for all of us. Plus, even when we're able to "talk" about our feelings, sometimes we need a break, we need to go back to being MIA, we need to do whatever it is that helps us survive this total misery. "Firsts" are especially difficult for all of us, the first holiday season our loved one isn't here, the first birthday that our loved ones will never celebrate, etc., etc., etc. The best advice I was given regarding all these "firsts," came from Lou, a GIC friend. He told us to remember that all of these "firsts," are only one day. I thought about this and find it to be true. That one miserable day will end as quickly as it arrived, leaving us on that seemingly endless emotional roller coaster, stuck at the very bottom of the ride way too often.

I'm so glad you are slowly pulling yourself back up, and have decided to "visit" us again. Although I'm so sorry you had to find us, and wish with all my heart, that none of us ever had to "meet," I'm so glad you did. Welcome back to TGW!!!

We will be here for you, whenever you want/need to "talk," or just "listen" to our stories. I hope as you read our stories, some of the things that have helped us, will help you too. This is a totally judgement free zone, so not one of us will be the least bit offended if you don't follow our advice. Take what you want, leave the rest. We will be here for you no matter what. I'm looking forward to getting to "know" you much better, as I'm sure all TGW are.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Amber Grace, I must admit that it took me
a few minutes to remember you, but
when I looked at your photo, it dawned
on this "foggy widower's brain" as our
friend, Deb, calls it. I want to welcome you
back, as I'm sure other Grief Warriors GW
will, on GIC. I'm the oldest of 3 brothers
here: Gary,George, and recently, our
youngest, Chad, from your state of
Texas. I am close to Robin, bc our
spouses both died before Thanksgiving
3 years ago. I'm also close to Karen &
Patti, who were the first to welcome &
comfort me when I joined end of July.
Bernadine ( Countless Joy) from Oregon,
has been an inspiration. Deb has great,
funny phrases, despite her mourning for
her husband, Bob. I looked back to early
Dec, & saw that you & I had talked to
each other. My wife, Linda , died
suddenly in front of me, at 68, from the
same thing that your soulmate, Matt,
did, a pulmonary embolism. I had PTSD
3 years ago, & went to a grief counselor,
who suggested GIC, but I wasn't ready
until this year. So glad I became a
member. Even if I'm too tired to post, or
reply, I can always tap "LIKE", so that
people know I'm still around. I was in
the hospital recently, & couldn't get on
GIC, & the GW were worried about me.
I don't think I left anyone out of my
list. Others have moved on. I really hope
you stay with us, Amber Grace, and we
can help each other. Lou

 

Thank you kindly Deb. I appreciate the thoughtful response and kind words! It's been a tremulous journey for sure. I'm sure that resonates with many here sadly. I am thankful a community like this exists, sad as it is, for those of us who are finding our way through this "journey". It does help knowing there are others who understand and are so wiling to "be there" for others! I truly appreciate you. ~Amber

 

Lou, thank you for your kindness, not only then but now. You've been very kind and under such circumstances it's commendable. I'm terribly sorry for the loss of your dear Linda. As you know, such a sudden loss is an unimaginable think to have to go through. Though I wish it had not happened to you, I greatly appreciate you sharing your heartbreaking story with not only me, but all of us. It allows us to have you and your beloved in our thoughts and hearts when we are putting our thoughts and prayers out there. I'm glad there are kind people such as yourself to help me in my journey, though I wish none of you have had to experience the pain. ~Amber

 

Thank you so much , Amber, for your
kind words about Linda. She's with me,
in spirit , every day. When I had to go to
the ER recently, I made sure to tell the
doctors & nurses that my wife died. She &
I went to the same NP together. After
Linda died, when I went into the small
lab room of the NP, I wept. I go to a
very young female barber, an "old soul" ,
and one quiet day, I told her about Linda,
bc she continues to be part of who I am.
Now, we've moved on to other topics, &
I ask about her family, vacations, etc.
One day, I fell in the street & had to go to
rehab. Before I did the exercises, I told
the married mother about myself & the
death of Linda, & cried. After that, I
thanked her for being my "therapist"&
we both laughed. A married friend
knew I had been falling & having a hard
time. He & wife suggested I get a pedicure.
I laughed at the thought, but when I put
my feet in the warm whirlpool, it was
bliss. Another married kind woman who
listened to my story. Linda would have
made fun of me as an " old coot" who
seeks female attention. Of course, I would
trade them all to have Linda by my side
physically again. But, when she became
ill, she had a premonition about herself
& made me promise to be healthy & to try
to be happy, if anything happened to her.
I'm keeping that promise. Lou














She put her hand on my shoulder, and it
meant a lot to me. Linda was bitter &
depressed, leading up to the hospital and
rehab unit. She didn't like most doctors,
but she liked this NP, who treated her as
a whole person. The 3 of us were actually
able to share a laugh. In the rehab unit,
she became friends with a nurse her age.
When Linda was taken in an ambulance,
the nurse was stunned, bc most of the
nursing home residents were in their
late 70s, 80s, & 90s. After Linda died, I was
sitting at an outdoor bar ( I was drinking
then, but gave it up 2 years ago, bc I was
very depressed & rundown and had the
flu twice). The nurse & I hugged. Looking
back, it's been vital for me to have the
support of female friends especially. A
woman who's like a daughter to me ( but
never met Linda),takes me grocery
shopping once a week. Just talking &
joking with her in the car, gives me a lift.
After being in the hospital, on an IV for
hydration & nourishment, it was great to
feel stronger, get my appetite back, & eat
hot meals in my room there. Now that I'm
home alone in my apartment, a VNA nurse
and a PT visit me on different days. They
want to prevent my need to return to the
hospital. Bc of the bad winter weather
this year, they want me to stay home.
I will abide by our agreement,

+

 

PS Sorty about writing you a "book", as my
friend , Deb, would say. When I said she
put her hand on my shoulder, I meant the
NP..,.......Lou

 

Amber Grace it’s so good to see you back and to know you have been following the site. Thanks for mentioning my name when you responded to the group. I’m glad I could help. I’m just back myself from time away from the flock. The most important thing in support groups is the need to feel like we belong here. And we all welcome you with open arms. You belong here. I wish more people felt like they belonged too. I joined GIC in October last year. The thing that sold me on this site was where can I go to express my grief? We can’t do it at work. Our family and friends don’t get it. I got a new therapist a month ago who I refer to as my healer. Laura is her name and she works at Visiting Nurses where I go to grief support meetings. And its free! I am currently reading the book Invisible Ink by Kathy Curtis. It is about writing letters to our beloved. But there are prompts to follow in order. I like Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba. I’m finding in order to survive this grief I have to use my imagination. The afterlife is real. And we can communicate with them. I encourage you to jump on board and start expressing yourself. Only If you are comfortable with that. If not keep reading until you do. Glad you’re back. Gary

 

Gary, like you, I'm happy that Amber
was following us & that we can
welcome her back. So glad you have
Laura, from VNA, as your healer. The
best thing that happened to me after
being in the hospital, is to have 2
different VNA nurses and 2 different
PTs come to my apartment, a couple
weekdays, to check on my well
being, to see if my place is fall
proof, & that I'm sleeping & eating
properly. They gave me exercises to
be done indoors, bc there are mounds
of snow outside. I told them my
favorite exercise is walking, but I will
do a few exercises. Good night,
God Bless, Gary.

 

It's wonderful you've managed to find solace in new people recently. Male, female, it matters not. All that matters is you've managed to find bright moments in so many dark times. Be grateful and enjoy those moments as if you're Linda was there, they are precious. <3 <3 <3

 

It was my pleasure mentioning you, as you were so kind to respond to me prior! Thank you for the reading suggestions, I'll look in to them! It's so wonderful to hear about your new therapist, we could all use someone like that from time to time I'm sure. Thank you for the rewlcoming as it were! >3 >3 >3

 

Thank you, Amber. I do have a kind,
male friend, older than I am, who's also
a widower, so he "gets it",He's a veteran,
also, & I'm not. But, every Sat am, I go to
the American Legion post , with him,for
an open house coffee. We enjoy each
other's company, & have some laughs. Lou

 

Hi Amber Grace and Lou. I just posted on the other thread one of my best friends died. I’m shocked by his sudden death. I talked to his wife and told her about GIC. Lou I’m glad you’re getting quality help with the PT and your home is fall proof. And you’re getting checked on. I know you and Robin have taken a pounding by the storm too. I hope you didn’t lose your power. Take care all. Gary

 

Thank you for your kind words tonight,
Gary. So sorry to hear about your friend's
sudden death. You & I, & others here,
know what a shock to the system that is.
Thank you also for your concern about
the snowstorm. Fortunately, I didn't
lose power this time, but had Linda's
lantern, in case I had no lights. I was
prepared to wear hoodies & sweatpants,
& an extra blanket for the bed. It was an
unpleasant, dark day, with hazardous



freezing rain, & it will be very cold
tomorrow. A PT came & brightened my
day. I did exercises with her ( I forget to do
them, when she's not her). The VNA and
PT visits are essential for me. Mostly, to
keep me moving, but, also safe. I look forward to walking outside again very
soon. Lou

 

Amber Grace, No apology needed. That’s what’s great about this site. There’s no judgement, just people trying to help one another. Take whatever time you need. We’re all here whenever you’re ready or need. I credit this site and the people on here that are my friends now, for pulling me out of a deep dark place that I couldn’t climb out of on my own. It’s not quite so lonely when you find others who understand and care and offer support no matter what. I’ve been off a few days. Having a few extra rough days and suffering with a migraine on top of it. I saw you wrote and wanted to answer. The holidays are definitely hard to get through. Birthdays too. Ron’s birthday is this month, Valentine’s Day, won’t be east either. But we’re all friends here and have support that family and friends just don’t understand no matter how hard they try.
We’re here for you! ❤️ Robin

 

Gary, I’m sorry to hear of your friend. So nice of you to share GIC with his wife. Today’s storm was rain and more rain, not fun but thankfully no snow by me, hoping Lou didn’t get any either. Had a little icy mix and now everything is freezing but still raining. A lot melted today. If I recall you had a storm earlier this week. How it didn’t dump a lot on you. Robin

 

Hi Robin. We got an even foot of snow. I took my time digging out though. Hope your migraines go away quick. Talk with you tomorrow. Gary