Stages of Grief: Anger

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Marcey, Oct 21, 2021.

  1. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Hi Lou, it's so nice to meet you. ♥

    Thank you for your response. I'm so sorry about losing Linda. That had to have been especially painful right before the holidays. Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am very sorry for your pain. My husband was my best friend, but I do have friends and a large loving family. I can't imagine enduring that kind of loss, alone. God bless you. You are strong.
    I'm so glad you found this group to share and commiserate with. Sounds like it is a tremendous help to many and it's great that it has been for you.

    Thank you too for the book mentions. I haven't started reading any yet. Just making a list. I feel like I need to narrow it down to one, to start. It's only been a month since he passed (just a few days over a month). So it's super new and my wounds are very fresh. I will start with whichever one you all suggest, if you would be so kind as to narrow it down for me? "Stupid Things" first, perhaps?

    TGW's is awesome and fitting. Coming alongside and lifting one another up, when we are weak, tired or struggling (hello...all of the above!). It is a battle, no doubt.
    I don't feel like I could be an encouragement to anyone right now, but I would love to be able to, one day soon.

    Thanks for saying hi Lou! I hope today brings more smiles than tears. ♥
    Van Gogh likes this.
  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Marcey, it was so good to see your reply
    to me, after you've been " talking " with
    others here, My personal favorite book
    is The Widower's Notebook. I was so
    inspired by it, that I emailed the author,
    who lives in a NYC loft, to thank him for
    his amazing book. I told him that my
    horrific experience with Linda's sudden
    death, was very similar to his. He shocked
    me with a warm, personal email back 2
    days later. The beginning of the book is
    so heartbreaking, that I started sobbing
    & had to put it away for a week. One
    sunny morning, over coffee, I got past
    the toughest chapter of the book, and
    became engrossed in his true story of his
    40 year marriage to Joy. When I wrote to
    the author, using his first name. I told
    Jonathan that he was " like a brother I
    never had". He moved me to tears with
    his warm, personal email, & said he'd be
    proud to be called my brother. Jonathan
    was a painter, before he became a
    writer, so he drew sketches of his wife,
    now adult daughter, and of himself. I just
    emailed him again & told him about
    Grief in Common. He's glad that I find
    solace in this caring, kind group. Jonathan
    took time out from a book tour, to write
    to me. I told him that I recommended his
    book to others here. Jonathan is a best
    selling author of international thrillers &
    mysteries, and is easy to read, but I
    suggest reading the book in the morning
    rather than in bed at night. I can now
    reread some of his funny chapters in bed
    at night. "Stupid Things Said By Smart
    People" is just one chapter. I don't want
    to push you to read any book right now.
    It may be even more important for you
    to "talk" with us. The first thing I do in the
    morning is to check the GIC messages.
    Living on the coast of Massachusetts,
    going to bed by 10pm on these cold
    nights, I will check in with you & Karen
    in Ca., George in Illinois, and Gary in
    Indiana, in the morning. Deb & Patti live
    in South Carolina, so they are in my time
    zone. I hope a new member, Denise, will
    stay with us. Lou
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  3. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Thanks Lou.

    It's very cool that you made that connection with the author of the book. Makes it extra personal to you now.
    And I will take your advice and wait a little bit, before starting a book. Maybe a month or two?

    I haven't met Denise yet! But I hope she stays too! ♥

    I've been wanting to watch the new Steve Martin/Martin Short mystery series on Hulu - so I went for it and upgraded my Disney + subscription today. So I'm watching that now. It's been a nice distraction (for the first episode, anyway. I'm just starting episode #2). My husband would have enjoyed it too (except for all the F-bombs).

    Where you live must be beautiful right now. I hope you can soak it in.

    Van Gogh likes this.
  4. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I really thought you referred to him in a abbreviation 'manic' as manic depression 70. The giggle's on me.
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  5. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Karen, It seems that you & I have our
    own insider giggle fest. If I got too serious
    & sensitive, Linda would call me a
    "poopfart". I don't think that was original
    with her. Have you heard that one? I hope
    you find out where in Ca. that Marcey
    lives. Despite the very recent death of
    her husband, I told her that like us, she
    has a great sense of humor. Maybe you
    can "talk" with her after we, on the East
    Coast are in bed ! Loul
    Marcey likes this.
  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Marcey, I'm so happy you're watching
    something funny on Hulu, to distract
    yourself. We can't be in mourning 24/7.
    I remember that Steve Martin & Martin
    Short are good friends, & starred in a
    funny movie called The Three Amigos.
    I recall reading an autobiography by
    Martin Short, who talks about how the
    death of his wife affected him. It made
    me chuckle when you said your husband
    wouldn't have cared for all the F-bombs.
    Linda & I watched The Sopranos on HBO,
    and that was loaded with them. Somehow,
    bc the series was about modern day
    mobsters in New Jersey, the language
    fit the storyline. The October weather
    was perfect last week, sunny, fall foliage,
    70 degrees, but then, it dropped into the
    high 50s, rained all day today, and rainy
    next couple days. Did you visit Mass. ?
    Karen lives in Calif., up North, & I think
    she asked you what part of Ca. you live.
    Linda & I saw San Francisco, Sausalito,
    and L.A. We got married in an Island
    Chapel ( part of the Tropicana Hotel), on
    Jan. 1, 1996. Karen told us about the
    horrible wildfires & endless smoke, which
    seems to be finally ending. Were you
    spared? How are the temps now? Foggy
    widower's brain: the wedding chapel was
    in Las Vegas! Lou
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  7. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    I discovered something new today. Grief is also ugly. I haven't brushed my hair today. And I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and it reminded me of someone. I finally figured out who it was. Christopher Lloyd! A mixture of Doc Brown and Jim, from Taxi. With a little bit of Uncle Fester mixed in (because of the dark circles under my eyes). Nice.

    So tomorrow, I am going to do myself and my mirror a favor, and at least brush my hair. I might even try to put on makeup. It might help brighten my mood a little, at least. If I go outside, the neighbors would probably appreciate it too.

    I still represent him in the world. I am still his wife. I need to at least try to make him proud of me, when and where I can.

    We do what we can, right?
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  8. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    The show is very good! It's more a murder mystery but there are funny moments. Three Amigos was played a LOT when our boys were growing up. The boys and their cousin (who is in between them in age) were the 3 Amigos for Halloween one year. ♥♥♥
    Steve Martin and Martin Short are friends in real life and they toured with a show (I think it's done now) - you can find it on Netflix I think - "An Evening You Will Forget For The Rest Of Your Life." It's hilarious.

    Karen did ask me where I live. I didn't want to announce the specifics publicly, but I'm in central Cali. I go up north at least once a month though, for several days. So we may very well be in the same place at the same time now and then. I'll let her know in a DM if she asks!
    I've barely been outside of California. I've never been to Mass. I just know it's pretty this time of year. And I'm drawn to anything on the coast.

    Speaking of the coast...San Simeon was just the epicenter for a fairly big earthquake (4.65). My earthquake app went off and I was shocked to see that San Simeon was the epicenter. That is where Hearst Castle is (and near where my husband and I would go every year). I hope the castle is okay.

    The fires were awful up there and there were a couple of big ones here too. The smoke was insane. Looked like fog here. Ash all over our cars. God bless our firefighters.

    A Las Vegas wedding! That's so fun. ♥♥
    Van Gogh likes this.
  9. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Marcie,I laughed out loud when you
    said you had a Christopher Lloyd look,
    with "Uncle Fester" thrown in . When you
    added, "nice", I laughed more. Sorry I just
    misspelled your name, Marcey. As your
    fellow Californian can tell you, my brain
    works faster than my fingers. I saw
    Christopher Lloyd in a play years ago.
    I went up to him to tell him I admired
    his performance the night before. He
    looked like a deer caught in the headlights,
    but managed a thank you. When I didn't
    sleep well, I had dark circles, too, &
    wore my prescription sunglasses. The
    shades also came in handy when my
    eyes would unexpectedly tear up. Thanks
    for the laugh, Marcey. I'll be going to bed
    soon, so I hope to see your posts in the
    morning. Hope you can sleep better
    tonight. Lou
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  10. Marcey

    Marcey Guest


    Good. I'm glad I made you smile! I'm totally jealous that you got to see and speak to Christopher Lloyd in person! I LOVE him!

    I am doing the sunglass thing too. It helps sometimes.

    I hope you have a very restful night! ♥

    Van Gogh likes this.
  11. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Marcey, central Cal. is good enough info.
    I was just curious if you lived on the
    Coast. Monterey was beautiful & we
    went to the John Steinbeck Museum,
    bc we read many of his books & saw some
    movies that were from these books. We
    were a little scared driving on the Pacific Coast highway, but the view was
    breathtaking. We saw the Hearst Castle,
    but from a distance. I just remembered
    that we went down to San Diego and
    over the bridge at Coronado ( also scary).
    I agree with you about firefighters,
    police, & other first responders who put
    their lives on the line every day to protect
    us. Linda & I decided to get married in
    Las Vegas, bc both sets of parents were
    toxic, & didn't share our happiness, so we
    didn't want them at our wedding. We never regretted that, & turned our wedding into a honeymoon. I recall
    walking out of the chapel, seeing flowers
    & pink flamingos (!) near the swimming
    pools. It was magical. When we walke
    downtown, Linda still had her bouquet
    of flowers & I had a flower in my lapel.
    We stood out from the crowd, who were
    wearing jeans. Strangers smiled at us &
    congratulated us. It's a wonderful memory
    and I'm not crying as I write this. Lou

    Marcey likes this.
  12. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I can sooooooooooo!!! relate to this, TU!!! I totally have that "Uncle Fester" under my eyes bag look!!! There have been many days when just taking a shower is all I can handle, forget about my hair.... just use your imagination here.

    Anyway, thanks for the laugh!!! I'm so glad you're sticking around and are now officially part of TGW, TU!!!

    Hope you get some quality sleep tonight, so you can ditch that Uncle Fester look. BTW, both Bob and I loved "The Addams Family."

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  13. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    OK, Deb, that's enough! I was just about to
    go to bed, but I got drawn into your
    talks with both Denise & Marcey who
    make me laugh. Linda & I loved The
    Adams Family, too. In fact, she sang the
    theme song about "the creepy and the
    spooky"when she was annoyed with some
    people who bothered us. But, now I MUST
    go to bed. I feel like Michael Corleone in
    Godfather III: "Just when I thought I was
    out, they pull me back in!". Lou
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  14. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Aww thank you for including me in TGW ♥ I'm glad that made you smile. Sorry about the eye bags though. I hope we BOTH sleep well tonight!
    I did a lot of sitting this afternoon, but forced myself to do squats and an arm workout (several short sessions of both). I'm hoping that will help me sleep. I didn't try to walk because it was pouring rain most of the day. Hopefully walking will happen tomorrow.
    Get some rest, Deb!

    Big Hugs, Marcey
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  15. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Hey, Marcey! Woke up from weird
    dream in which someone was chasing me.
    Strange, bc Linda got that kind of dream
    more than others. My common dream
    was that a guy was trying to break in
    our apartment. I would wake up
    swearing F-bombs. We had lived in some
    creepy, poorly managed properties, so
    that made a little sense. But, the fact that
    I was "on guard", protecting the homestead, was not pleasant. In my past
    threads, you will see that I was hospitalized & diagnosed with manic
    depression ( now called bipolar disorder)
    at 30, and put on meds for life. It was
    suggested that I not drink, which I
    ignored. I had to finally give up drinking
    on Nov. 6, 2019, about a year after Linda
    died, bc I became very depressed, and
    run down, getting the flu twice. I have
    felt much better physically since then. I
    just have to work through the mental
    part of mourning. Given that if I'm
    under stress. don't get enough sleep,
    regular meals, and walks outside, I can
    become manic, even with meds, it's
    probably wise that I don't own a gun! I
    hesitated about sharing my mental
    health history here, but then, I said,
    "what the hell", especially after Gary
    mentioned his 12-step program. A long
    time ago, I sat in a local bar, where I was
    a regular. A stranger came in & sat next
    to me. We started chatting & buying
    beers for each other. We revealed stories
    of our past, and had a few laughs. He
    told me he was from Maine & fixed
    small airplanes. Then, I noticed young
    people asking for his autograph. I didn't
    recognize him with his wire rim glasses &
    long hair. Turns out, he was actor, Judd
    Nelson, famous for The Breakfast Club
    movie. & other movies. I apologized to
    him, but he said I shouldn't bc he wanted
    to have a real conversation, and be
    incognito. I liked him. He was 10 years
    younger than I was, but had a seriousness
    to him that made him seem older. I told
    him about my manic depression, and he
    pointed to my beer & told me I probably
    shouldn't drink, and we both laughed. He
    said he knew people in Hollywood, who
    had manic depression, and became
    addicted to either alcohol or drugs. We
    shook hands, and I wished him well on
    his next project. I followed his career
    later, & watched Suddenly Susan,a TV
    sitcom, with Linda, and proudly told
    her about my encounter with him. I've
    met celebrities when I worked in a
    bookstore in the city ( where I talked
    briefly with Christopher Lloyd), but my
    chance talk with Nelson, was my most
    memorable memory. Well, after my
    chase dream headache subsides ( after
    having a snack & checking in with TGW
    here, I'll go back to bed. It's 5am here,
    so it must be 2am there, and I hope you're
    sound asleep! Lou
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  16. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    P.S. Marcey, I looked up Suddenly Susan
    which started in 1996, the year Linda & I
    got married.Ironically, an actor,on the
    show, David Strickland, had manic
    depression, which he treated with drugs & alcohol. One night, he took his own life,
    and his fellow cast members were
    devastated. It was shocking for me to
    learn that, bc I don't recall hearing about
    it at the time. Lou
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  17. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Good Morning Lou,

    I hope you were able to banish the headache and go back to sleep. Your nightmare sounds stressful. I hope that's the last one like it.

    I barely slept and was awake just after 2. I gave up and got up sometime in the 3 o'clock hour. I desperately needed sleep. Oh well.

    Thank you for sharing some of your struggles. Though it sounds like the manic issue is not an ongoing or overwhelming problem, taking care of yourself is very important. And it sounds like you take that seriously. I wish you all the best in your mental and physical health journey!

    You have had some fun celebrity encounters! And you don't even live in LA! Judd Nelson seems like an interesting (and intense) guy. That's very cool.
    Any celebrity encounters I have had have mostly been just seeing them pass by or standing near them in line. And the celebrities themselves were not all that fab. Though their families probably feel differently. lol

    I need to reheat my coffee and take care of some things. I hope your morning is pleasant!
    Van Gogh likes this.
  18. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Great to see you on here this am. Sorry
    you didn't get to sleep well. You cheered
    me up, bc we're in a 3 day pattern of ☔,heavy winds, possible loss of power,
    and coastal flooding. I can't complain
    bc it was 70 degrees & last week &
    will be again after the storm ( but only
    in the 50s, as expected in late Oct.).Judd
    Nelson was relaxed ( the helped!) and
    easy to talk with. I looked him up this am.
    He really does come from Maine , was
    visiting his parents. The part that was
    a cover up, was that he was a mechanic.
    Since I've had a spotty work record, with
    lousy shifts ( which I later learned adversely affected my sleep), I've always
    been more interested in what a person's
    character is like, rather than his or her
    occupation. Thank you for your kind
    words. I was mostly a good husband, unless I didn't sleep well, or was under
    stress. Then, Linda would later call me
    the Tasmanian Devil. As I got older &
    retired, I became more mellow. When
    Linda & I were out in L.A, we spotted
    James Spader & Rob Lowe in their cars.
    Also, Paul Reiser up in the hills. We had
    one unpleasant encounter with Al Franken
    who is full of himself. We were in line to
    go into a restaurant, and told him we
    enjoyed him on Saturday Night Live, as it
    was called then. He just stared at us, making us feel small. As you would say,
    "nice". We couldn't believe he later
    became a U.S. Senator, but weren't
    surprised when he had to leave the
    Senate. In Boston, when we sat on a
    fancy Newbury Street of cafes & expensive
    stores ( not as expensive as Rodeo Drive!),
    we saw Robert Loggia. We always liked
    him. He was very real & funny in the
    movie,Big, with Tom Hanks. Did you see
    that? Well, this turned into a "book " as
    Deb would say. I haven't even had ☕!!
    Marcey likes this.
  19. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Good Morning everyone,
    Giving my Grief family an update on Teddy. He did great! The Dr was impressed with how well he did. And he sat up and looked around once the meds wore off. No complaining. The incision is larger then expected and in such a tender area. The fleshy area where the leg meets the body. Like between our thumb and pointer finger. They’re sending it out for testing. Should know the results in about a week. He can reach it with his feet and he can lick it. Great! But he’s home. He’s doing well, and I have relief. 16396919-741B-4DAF-A810-FD10E95BA7CD.jpeg He’s resting on me.
    Thank you all for offering such wonderful support. I appreciate each of of you. We’re having a nor’easter so we’re chillin and healing inside where it’s warm and dry. ❤️ Robin
  20. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thanks for getting back to us, Robin!
    What a wonderful picture of your !
    We have 3 days of rain, howling winds,
    possibly losing power bc of downed
    wires, and coastal flooding. But, strangely,
    I'm in a good mood. The heavy rain may
    not start here 'til around 2pm, so I walked
    by the ocean, under threatening, gray
    skies. I marvel at the ocean every morning. I'm lucky, bc my apartment bldg.
    is on higher ground & doesn't get flooded.
    At night. I can hear the howling winds &
    ferocious sea. I always feel God's presence
    when I look out to sea, every morning.
    Sometimes I feel a kinship with the
    ocean, bc some days it can be calm. Today,
    I felt that God is angry, but I'm not. Lpu
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