Stages of Grief: Anger

Great Arnold analogy, Gary! Pleasant
dreams for all GW!! Lou

 

We went to the mall at christmas time to see the decorations and hand select boxes of SEEs.. What a sweet holiday memory. I remember the scent in thestore.

 

Thank you! And I hope your lab tests turn out fine. I'm sorry you're lightheaded now. Hopefully it is a seasonal sinus pressure issue and nothing more. ♥

After everything I shared, I did have some pretzels this evening when I got hungry (lol) - BUT, I still had room in my (WW points) budget for them! I had veggies and chicken and a Progresso light soup and fruit during the day and had leftover points for my pretzel snack. And really that is what I want to be able to do. Everything in moderation basically. My carbs have NOT been in moderation, since Mark got sick. So if I can keep doing this, then I can keep some of my favorites in my life, without negative consequences. I won't buy potato chips right now though, because I can't be responsible with them. lol I know that. I feel like I am making some progress with tracking my points and eating more fruit, veggies and protein again and much less processed carbs. I do intend to get some Skinny Pop popcorn too (thank you Lou). I do have some sprouted organic popping corn here that I feel better about - and I love popping my own corn in coconut oil. It's really good like that and I think it's semi-healthy for me. I might do that tomorrow as long as I can fit it in my WW budget.

Oh, and my mom has a Meyer lemon tree in her (our) backyard that is currently teaming with ripe lemons (and I LOVE lemon juice). So I added fresh Meyer lemon juice to my Diet Pepsi today - making me feel slightly less guilty about that, too. At least I included a shot of vitamin C with my artificially sweetened carbonation water.

Since we have so many lemons ready right now, I will probably start every day with lemon/ACV water, to help cleanse my liver from the several-month-long carb overload.

 

I wanted to share this therapist I found a while ago on YouTube. I think she is particularly good. And she has an entire (30 video) series on How To Process Your Emotions. Very practical and helpful information and she is pleasant to listen to (to me). Very clear and easy. It might help someone. ♥ The channel is called Therapy In A Nutshell.

 

Yes

 

Thanks Lou! I always tried to be there for him. Even though I'd be exhausted from work I remember interacting with him and when his mother would give him crap about grades and stuff I was always there to listen and talk to him.

 

Deb, Thank you so much, I can tell you totally understand how I was feeling. I hate to admit that it took me until 2 to get my butt moving and try to get out of that funk. It was fairly nice here yesterday for December and I decided to go outside with Ted. I have a neighbors dog getting into my yard that Ted uses. So I searched for where he might be getting in. I found an area and got to work with a roll of wire fence to block it. Wish Ron was doing this or my son but it was up to me. I move pretty slow but I made it secure, I think. Ron would be proud and it got my mind active and I got fresh air. Started feeling some better. Even though all my joints were in pain by the time I finished and limped back inside. But had a sense of accomplishment.
I hope your day continued in a more positive way and that the stores didn’t cause anxiety. Happens to me all the time. And I’m hoping to go out early today to hopefully finish up my shopping. I hope you were able to find some good walking shoes and that it was a positive outing. Still missing my house full with my kids and Slinky was here too. ( daughters puppy) but I’m getting past it and thinking of the wonderful bear hugs and special time we shared. And the fact they got me to laugh and with less guilt. I have survivors guilt that still pops up.
Thank you Deb, for understanding. Hope today is another better day, for all of us. Robin

 

Ah, survivor's guilt, that monster, Mr. Grief, throws at us every day. I'm getting
better at shaking it off in the morning,
before I walk outside. But, I still have to
work on my sad, lonely bus rides, when I
look out the window, and see the places
that Linda & I used to go. Lou

 

Perfect way to describe it. Monster. It hits me in many ways. It’s tough for sure.
I made it back from shopping. Went some better today then in the past. But a woman started talking to me and kept mentioning her husband. That was difficult for me. It would t be so painful if we all didn’t have such loving and caring spouses. So at least we have the special memories. Robin

 

Robin, I'm sorry you had a tough time
shopping. I may be out of line, but if the
woman knew you were a widow, & kept
blathering about her husband, she was an
insensitive jerk. If she didn't know, she
was boring.Linda used to say, "Life is too
short to deal with idiots !!!". I agree. Lou

 

I know I'm coming in late to the conversation, and I'll be honest I only read about half of the above comments! But this snipit from your original post really struck home f0r me. Particularly the bit about him being gone and never coming back. My Matt passed away in April of this year. Pulmonary embolism. It was very sudden and unexpected. He died right in front of me. I saw and heard him take his last breath. The 911 operator tried to talk me through CPR but there was no point. He was gone and there was nothing I could do, nothing I could have done to save him. The coroner later told me even if he had been in a hospital when it happened they wouldn't have been able to do a thing about it. Small consolation. Though I am thankful, as horrific as it was to witness, I cant get the image or the sound out of my head. I'm eternally grateful for whatever pulled me into the bathroom that night. At least he wasn't alone. I was with him, he knows I was there, fighting for him, and that means the world to me. I may not have been able to say goodbye or I love you with words, but he could see and feel that I fought for him. Anyway, The "he's never coming back" thoughts.....This has been my biggest, worst part to contend with I think throughout the last 8 months. The first month was a complete blur. I've spoken to people who I apparently had phone conversations with that first month that I have no recollection off. It was a complete fog. The second month was unbelievably hard. I can not tell you how many times I would think to my self and/or say to people......I need to ask/tell Matt............Then the realization I couldn't....would never be able to again....ask him or tell him anything.....ever. The first time it happened I completely broke down. Inconsolable. I think my son thought I snapped or broke or something. I sat on the couch hugging myself, sobbing hysterically, rocking back and forth. My son just sat with me and watched in horror really, until I had cried myself out. Then I slept for hours. My poor son, didn't know what to do. Him just being there meant so much though, Matt was not his biological father, so It meant everything for him to be there with me. Anyway, 15 years we were together. Much of that time it was just the two of us. We spent all our time together and he was my go to, my everything! My own personal google and youtube all rolled up in one! We'd talk about everything together! If he didn't know it already, which he almost always did, we would look it up together. Learn how to do something, together! Now he's gone and I'll never get him back. I still to this day can't bare to watch the diy channels we were so fond of on youtube, it breaks my heart. 8 months and that "I'll never get to again" feeling still nags at me. Almost everyday I feel it, think it, say it. Know it. It kills me. I 100% understand and feel where you are coming from. The "comforting" that others seem to love to impart to me that always makes me grind my teeth in order not to shout at them is "you're strong, you'll make it through this". You don't know that, you don't KNOW that! Everyday I just want to be with him. Wish I could have gone with him. Wish I could join him. Or wish he was still here with me on good days. You don't know if I'm strong enough. And more over, I don't want to be "strong enough". I'm tired and alone, all the time. I have no one now. My son has his own life and rarely speaks to me these days for some reason, not for lack of trying. No friends really, estranged from family. No one even bothers to check on me! How could they possibly know my strength. I know they mean well. I also know the anger is not really directed at them and that it's a natural part of the process. The volley of emotions can be quite draining at times. Learning patience with myself has been the hardest. Allowing myself to feel whatever I feel when I feel it and not getting down on myself for it has been hard. Just remember it's completly normal to be all over the place and never feel guilty for feeling however you feel. There seem to be some really great people here who understand what we're going through, I'm glad we are both here to learn and lean and hold each other up through this inconceivably unfathomable time. My heart goes out to you for your loss. *Hugs

 

No I didn’t know this woman at all. She was just making small talk in a very crowded store. She was a kind older woman. She had no clue that mentioning her husband was stinging to me. And she wished me a good day and happy holiday as she walked away. It’s stuff like that just hits home. Someone who doesn’t know us can say something innocent but can cause a reaction. I’m done with stores now for a while. Just need food for the holiday. And I’ll go with my daughter to pick those things up. I agree with you snd Linda whole heartedly. Ron did too. Robin

 

Robin,glad you're taking your daughter
with you. After Linda died, I couldn't go
into the supermarket, which we went to,
without crying. A woman, whose like a
daughter, drives me there every Wed,
and I actually look forward to it now. We
have a lot of laughs in the car, and wave
to each other, in the market. Lou

 

Hi AmberGrace, my name is Bernadine and my partner Kenn died 5 weeks ago so I’m pretty new here but I can confirm that what you are feeling and experiencing is exactly why I find parts of this forum helpful. We know what we know. We’re where you are. Past, present and future. We all navigate it our own way of course, the circumstances and timing may be different but we’ve all lost the person who was beside us.
Your guy’s google/youtube thing cracked me up, I get that.
I’m sorry about your son, that’s a tough one. I also have a son, and like yours he’s managing his grief his own way too.
Anyway, I just wanted to reply to your post. The general message that I was greeted with was glad you’re here and sorry that you have to be. I’ll extend that to you now. ~B

 

Hi Amber,

I am so sorry for your pain. I am sorry you lost your Matt and the life you loved with him. All the realizations (some of them over and over again, I know). All the times it hits us again as if realizing it for the first time - I'll never be here with him again. We'll never go there together again. We'll never do this or that. Share this or that. Everything. It's awful It's so painful and I am sorry.

You are a few months further into this than I am. Everyone here is on a different timeline. But we are all experiencing extreme grief, sadness, anger, frustration, exhaustion, .....pain and struggle.

There is healing. My mom (who lost my dad on their 24th wedding anniversary, 35 years ago) assures me that healing does happen. But it is slow, because the wound is so deep. And that we really never "get over" the loss. But you learn to live with it. The pain will always be there but it will lessen over time. That's what I have been told. I am holding onto that.

The good thing about being here and reading everyone's stories and experiences is that you will see that everything you are feeling (from tired, to angry to foggy-brained to distraught....) are all normal for what we are going through. And that helps us be more gentle with ourselves. It also reinforces my ability to prioritize my healing (makes it easier for me to tell people no thank you, I'm not up to it, or I'm not ready - and be okay with that). Not only helps us to not judge ourselves too harshly, but to not worry about what others think. Because you can come here and see that this is what grief and mourning look like. There is a very real toll it takes (is taking) on us and people that haven't gone through this, can't possibly know. Some will try to help. Some will judge. Some will have unrealistic expectations - it's been 2 months, you're good now, right?! How are you doing?! (really loud, with a big smile on their face...) ..... How am I doing?! I WANT TO BE WITH MY HUSBAND!!! THAT'S HOW I'M DOING!!!
They're probably trying to help. Probably trying to be cheerful to cheer us up. And the "You're so strong" comments. I've heard them too. A lot.
Most people mean well. They are judging that by the fact that we are still able to function in the world. But that's all physical. They don't know the suffering alone - our broken heart and mind. The buckets of tears and crying out loud for our love to come back.
But, until we were faced with this ourselves, we didn't know either (what someone else, who lost their love, was really going through). We can't know what we don't know.
They don't know.
Most of them, just want you to be happy and wish they knew how to make that happen. Try to forgive them if you can. I will try too. You have more important things to deal with (Trying to heal and learning to live a new life, that you didn't want or ask for).

And that said, Amber, the truth is that if we're still here; If we have made it this far, through this much pain - we are stronger than we know. I think of all the things I have had to do the last few months, that I would NEVER have thought I would be able to. And I'm amazed. My strength comes from God and my faith and reliance on Him.
Just because we can fall apart, dissolve in tears of intense grief and longing for our beloved, doesn't mean we are weak. That is what happens when our love is taken from us. That's not weakness. That's being a human being with feelings.

I hope this made sense. Like you, I'm going through it all and my mind and heart are very tired tonight. We are all just "in it", right now. But we are in it together here and that has really helped me.

Thank you for reaching out. I hope that reading through posts helps you not feel so alone. You aren't alone.

My name is Stacey. ♥ Hang in there, Amber.

 

Amber, my heart breaks for you, about the
sudden death of your strong, young husband, Matt. The fact that he died
suddenly, right in front of you, from a
pulmonary embolism, shook me to the
core, bc that's exactly how my wife, Linda,
died. She was on a rehab/ nursing unit,
undergoing physical therapy. One day,
she collapsed in front of me, as she was
trying to get on her wheelchair, from her
bed. She fell in a weird upside down
position. I asked if she needed help, and
she said, "I can't talk now. Push the button
( to get a nurse). I pushed the button, and
no one came. I ran down the hall, yelling
for help, bc the nurse had left her station.
Several nurses rushed in. The last I saw of
her, was that the nurses, including her
favorite, Alice, lifted her off the floor to
put her on the wheelchair. Then, all hell
broke loose, when the rescue squad came,
speeding down the hall to her room.,Alice
told me Linda had no pulse, but the ENTs
were trying to revive her on the ambulance on route to the ER. In my
heart, I knew it was over, and sobbed
uncontrollably. I followed her ambulance in another one, The driver asked me if
I wanted to talk, and I shook my head. When I arrived at the ER, I went into a
small room, with a Bible, and waited for
the ER doctor. He came in to tell me what
I already knew, in my gut. Linda was dead
on arrival. I was numb, and didn't cry.
The next day, I called Alice to find our what
Linda's last words were. Alice said she
asked Linda if she needed a pillow, and
she shook her head. Then, she didn't
respond to her name, and her lips turned
blue. Alice was shaken bc they were about
the same age, in their 60s. The other residents were in their 80s & 90s. Linda
died. at 68. We were married 25 years.
She was my best & only friend and family..
I had PTSD, bc I couldn't get that image
out of my head. I had to go to the ER, for
my suicidal thoughts, and voluntarily went to a psychiatric unit for 5 nights. Upon discharge, I went to a grief counselor's
home/ office. All I did was weep for 6
months, but, gradually could function.
Linda died right before Thanksgiving, 3 years ago, All I can tell you, Amber, is that
it DOES get better. I still cry in the am,
before I walk outside, but not with the
same intensity. I wish I didn't have to say it,
but welcome to our kind group. I call us
The Grief Warriors ( TGW). Please "talk" to
me anytime. I live on the northern coast,Massachusetts, so we are in different
time zones. I happened to wake up in the
middle of night and saw you on Grief in
Common (GIC). My name is Lou.

 

Lou, I am so happy you have Kim in your life. She’s a very special person and brought into your life on purpose. There was no mistake that this friendship happened. I talk with someone else on here that sure could use a friend like Kim. He’s 87, him and his wife were renting space out at his wife’s daughters house. This daughter didn’t even visit her Mom while she suffered brain cancer. He stayed living with them until recently, they told him they were moving out of the country. They never included him in any holiday dinners, but they celebrated. It hurts my heart that he has been treated so poorly by his wife’s family. He’s living alone now and sadly I think better off. He has his own space and it’s a senior living facility. His counselor broke hospice rules and stays in touch with him. She didn’t know all that I knew and I was given her email in case I didn’t hear from him so I could contact her in case it seemed like an emergency. I told her his living conditions, and she has been there for him. Not sure why I went into all that but he could a “Kim”. If I’m remembering her name wrong I’m sorry. But she’s definitely a caring person and you have someone to laugh with. Love it!
And yes, I will definitely have my daughter with me when I purchase our holiday food. I do so much better if I’m not alone. I still stay away from the grocery store Ron and I used, too many memories and everyone knows me there. And can say cruel things even though they mean well. The 2 of us are spending Christmas together and our trusted companions, Teddy and Slinky. Robin

 

First, Robin, the happy news: So happy you are spending Christmas with your daughter and the 2 dogs. Thanksgiving and
Christmas, 2 family holidays, should not be
spent alone. Since I had no family, I was
blessed that Kim invited me into her home
on Thanksgiving. I was an honored guest,
among 3 generations: Kim's parents ( my
age), Kim, and her 2 teenage children. Even
their family dog, Mara, a mix rescue, welcomed me my jumping into my lap,
and staying there. Your caring for the 87
year old man, is touching, Robin. Lou

 

Stacey,

Everything in moderation is one of my very favorite sayings. We also have something else in common, I LOVE lemon juice!!!, especially in beverages or lemon wedges with seafood….

Have lots of catching up to do, probably won’t do all of it until later on today, so stopping here.

As always, sending you and Miles lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, hope you can welcome 2 new
people: Amber Grace and Tim (Timstlouis).
You're always so warm with new members., Lou