Stages of Grief: Anger

Ya, I caught that too, but kept my mouth shut. From now on your on watch for typos from me.

 

Karen, I was about to go to sleep, but
replied to brother Gary. Please don't keep
your "mouth shut"!! I can take it! I visit
a young guy, Adam, only 28. He owns a
computer store and is very bright &
funny. I was always emailing GIC, & my
phone battery would go down to zero. He
would charge it for me, but finally got
tired of that, and sold me a small
portable charger. When I sit in his little
shop, he'll sneer, " This isn't a Senior
Center!!". I laugh it off, bc he's been thru
a lot in life and seems a lot older than he is.
His mother died of cancer, when he was only 12, and they were close. One day,
when there were no customers, I told
him about Linda, and he & I became
good friends, despite our age difference. L

 

Lou, I'm sorry about your meh friend. And his pain comparison just shows his ignorance and narcissism. Along those lines...I may share some stories, privately....one day. I have stories....
As Brian Regan would say...he's living on "Mr. ME Planet." Many people are. We probably all are, at some point (or many) through our lifetime. Shame on us.
Sounds like he is where he needs to be in your life (out of it).

I'm pretty sure I fell asleep listening to Jonathan Santlofer talking about his couple friends failure and his sadness about it. I have to rewind and start again, mid book tonight. If I'm up to it. It's taking me a long time to get through it. Most of the time it's too painful for me. But I did listen last night in bed. He put me to sleep. That's not a cutdown. I was exhausted. ♥ S

Somebody stop me. I stuck to my diet all day and now I'm eating Rold Gold pretzels and drinking Diet Pepsi. I have no self-control right now.

 

George, Just wondering if you're taking melatonin to help you sleep. Thinking about your vivid nightmares. Since melatonin is natural, people don't think of it as a drug or having potential side effects. But when I was taking it pretty regularly, I started having very vivid and scary nightmares. I did some research and it was the melatonin. I quit taking it and the nightmares haven't happened since. Just FYI.
I hope you sleep peacefully tonight.

 

Thank you!

 

Thanks for asking but no on the Melatonin... I think it's the stress of moving , but who knows. Hope we all get good sleep!

 

Stacey,woke up at 3am ( my time) & checked GIC. Thank you for getting back to
me, with your kind words and quote from
Regan.As for Jonathan, I read him in the
morning, over coffee. I think it would be
too stirring at night. You may want a more
relaxing audio at night. We had a device
where you could hear the ocean tide, or
a river, which was calming & soothing. I
will try to "stop" you. Linda had diabetes,
but had a fondness for ice cream, cake,
and other sweets. Her doctor suggested
Stevia, instead of sugar, in her coffee. She
did that, but unfortunately had a Diet
Coke addiction,which not only had no
nutrional value, but made her eat more
carbs, which she didn't need, and added to
her obesity. I tried to get Linda to eat more
naturally sweet fruits, like oranges and
apples, but she was bored with them, and
I didn't want to be a nag.She also became
depressed and sedentary, and had no
interest in walking outside with me
anymore, bc she developed hip and knee
pain, as a result of being overweight. A
tragic vicious circle, which I think led to
her cancer, constant lying down in the
rehab/ nursing home, and finally a
shocking pulmonary embolism. I've
learned not to blame myself for not
"saving" her. Linda had a very unhappy
childhood, and I think her need for cake &
ice cream, fulfilled a void in her life. Hope
you can get on a better sleeping, eating,
and walking schedule soon, Stacey. Well,
back to sleep. Hope to "talk" with you
soon. Lou

 

Lou thanks for the LMSO (laugh my sad off) in regards to the movie “grumpy old men” and ice fishing. I forgot you mentioning the perfect job for an introvert being a forest ranger gave me another LMSO yesterday. One more chapter in “the widowers notebook” and I’m finished. I agree the first half of the book is very intense and painful. The chapter “that’s cool” made me realize what an honest experience Jonathan gave. That chapter was also a turning point where the book really mellowed out. Stacey please don’t feel bad about eating those pretzels and Diet Pepsi. If you were eating half a cheesecake, pizza, or a box of chocolates I would say that might be something to be concerned about. Trail mix granola bars from Costco are my fix. I put them in the freezer. If I feel like I’m going on a eating frenzy I eat an orange or apple before to take up some stomach space. I hope brother George slept well last night along with every other TGW. Gary

 

Thank you Lou and Gary.

I didn't sleep...much. I fell asleep in my recliner to Jonathan, reading his book to me. I was in that kind of half asleep, half awake, hearing his voice and taking some of it in, but not fully....place. Till I put the laptop on the floor, let Miles out to "go potty" at 1:30 am-ish, and went to bed. By then I was awake enough to want to keep listening. I have the Audible app on my phone so I took Miles and my phone to bed and kept listening. I figured I would fall back to sleep within a few minutes. I did not. I'm taking a break from what I believe is the last chapter now. I guess I'll sleep later. At least I don't have somewhere that I have to be today. But I will take my mom and I for a walk at some point later this morning.

Thank you both for your thoughts and advice regarding my late-night snacking habit. It is only pretzels and soda. Not cake or cookies or ice cream. However, I do know that pretzels are empty carbs (that spike insulin - and though I am not diabetic, insulin is still one of the main fat storing hormones (other one being Cortisol, which is the stress hormone)) and even though they're low calorie, they will just sit there and turn to fat if I eat them at night (and not burn them off). ...runonsentencemuch? And I also know that sodas, especially diet sodas are h o r r i b l e for us. They destroy our gut microbiomes and slowly dissolve our bones. So even though they're low calorie, they're not doing me any good, in any way.
I don't feel guilty some of the time. And some of the time I scold myself and tell myself to knock it off. I also don't do it every night. I go back and forth between eating and drinking ultra-healthy foods (freshly juiced vegetables, apple cider vinegar & lemon water, all organic meat, eggs, fruit and veggies, green juices, all the natural supplements...no refined carbs, no sugar...), to eating and drinking nothing but junky comfort foods.
I started Weight Watchers a couple of weeks ago to help me get back to some kind of responsible structure in my eating habits. I'm doing much much better. But I still want pretzels and Diet Coke some nights. It's probably the evenings that I didn't eat enough during the day and extreme hunger hits me at 9 pm.
But still... that needs to be the exception, not the habit. I think for now, I'm going to give my pretzels to my mom or the trash can. When I am old enough to be responsible with pretzels and eat just a serving....before 6 pm, then I can have my pretzels back. lol And I should just stop buying the diet sodas.
darnit.
I hate being a responsible adult. It's stupid.

 

Gary, which trail mix bars from Costco?

I was eating the protein bars from Costco, but those were Mark's go-to (for lunches and snacks - made with whey protein...the chocolate brownie and cookie dough ones - fairly clean ingredients and low-carb). But because they were so connected to Mark for me, I can't have them anymore. They make me too sad. I gave what was left here to our son. But they were not a trail mix kind of bar. After I finish Jonathan's book, I will go look on Costco online.

 

Gary, so glad I gave you an LMSO about
Grumpy Old Men. Jack Lemmon's hard
drinking, cigarette smoking, bacon diet
father, in his 90s ( Burgess Meredith), was
a hoot. Linda & I loved both that movie &
the sequel, Grumpier Old Men. The first
movie also starred Ann Margaret. The 2nd
movie featured her and Sophia Loren. I agree with your perceptive comment of
the "That's Cool" chapter bringing a very
honest, and funny, account of his affair
with a much younger, former student. I
also got a kick out of the What Men Want
chapter. I could see myself in both
scenarios, and LMSO. In my other reply
to you about George's heavy poem, I gave
you Jonathan's email address. He loves to
hear from fellow widowers and widows
about his book. His email address is:
jonathansantlofer@gmail.com. Lou

 

Being a grown-up truly sucks! I used to eat Quest Bars thru mail order. Valerie set up them through automatic delivery. The first ones that showed up after her death... were well. "Cosmically" creepy like a message from beyond like she was still there. It was heavy. I vacillate between not wanting to eat anything and anting to gorge n everything I can get my hands on. It helps to not have it in the house. If it's here I know I'll eat it. I know this. I used to eat a lot of pretzels too. It is sso hard to adjust without the eating habits of our partners there.

 

I look at my journals and it was such an endless diets and blown diets. I was endlessly going to the store for treats to fill Valerie's "snackhole". Now I go between craving food and not wanting to eat at all. It helps just not having it around!

 

Stacey, I want to make it clear that I'm no
saint. Once in a while, I like ginger ale,
which does have high fructose corn
syrup. But, I've discovered a healthy
substitute, even for ginger ale. In New
England, we have Poland Springs water
from Maine. I like their "sparkling bubbles"
version, which is both refreshing and
good for digestion. If I'm dining in a
restaurant, I will have the versions from
other countries: Pellegrino, from Italy,
and Perrier, from France. Lou

 

George, You are so right. And I am the same. If it's here, I will eat it. I have enough going on mentally and emotionally. My willpower to stick to healthy eating habits and tolerance for denying myself are both super low right now. So if i want to do the right thing (and not eat garbage or snack late at night) I can't have it here. Plain and simple. Thank you.

I'm sorry about the auto-delivery Quest bars and the emotions that they triggered. Everything is hard. Even FOOD.

Deep breaths.

Hang in there George. ♥

 

I have Soda Stream machine...that the kids got for Mark on Father's Day last year. I wonder if I could make a clean ginger ale.... Seltzer water, organic stevia and actual ginger (maybe a ginger syrup - made out of simmering water with fresh ginger root and stevia for a while, then add some of that to the homemade seltzer water)?!

 

Thanks Stacey... My journals are an endless record of eating and trying not to eat. It is so much harder because I can't eat a lot of healthy foods because of the no kidneys thing. I built myself up better yesterday but here it is Mondayt and I have to "do it again!" It is so hard. I just don't want to do anything . It got cold! It is going to be colder even... Take care!

 

Stacey, I've heard of Soda Stream. Like
your idea. Your Gene Wilder moment from
Young Frankenstein, cracked me up. Linda
& I loved that movie. You are our true
California girl, with your Hollywood
montages! Thanks for giving me an
unexpected laugh this morning. This could
have been a real Karen Carpenter day
( without you and TGW). It's both a
rainy day AND a Monday. Lou

 

Btw, don't worry Lou. I didn't think you were a saint.

Oh Snap! ♥