Stages of Grief: Anger

Gary,

As usual, you have such a wonderful way of being able to express yourself, leaving me with things to think about. I'm glad that being out in nature helps you. It is filled with so many "gifts," and makes me realize that there is still so much beauty, good left in the world..., even though Bob will never be able to share any of it with me. However, like Karen, I believe that someday we will be reunited. It's just not my time yet.

I feel guilty for feeling so miserable now, knowing how much Bob wanted to be "on the right side of the dirt." I've often thought what if it was Bob who had to suffer through all this pain. It makes me over the top sad. I KNOW, I can say this being totally positive, that Bob would NEVER look for and join an online support group like GIC, or look for any sort of help whatsoever. He was the most stoic person I've ever known. I told him many times that a support group made up of people going through situations similar to his, would be helpful, make his life a bit better. While I was always there to support him, and did my very best, it was impossible to put myself in his shoes, see things from his perspective. Bob always stoic, always portraying that "tough guy exterior," would have crumbled inside... I don't think he would have been able to move forward, or if he did manage to move forward, he would probably have always had way more sad than happy moments. As horrible as this sounds, I'm glad he went first.

I hope today Mr. Grief is giving you a much needed break today...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace. DEB

 

Thank you, precious friends, for your kind responses and for all of the hugs. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Gary, thank you for the reminder - that everyone here feels as if they are drowning. I know I'm not alone in my pain here. It does help and it has helped, knowing that you all truly understand this pain and all that goes with it. You have been and continue to be a tremendous and positive support system and I am truly grateful to have met you all.

What I meant by "drowning" is that up to now, I have been able to tread the water, fairly successfully. I have started to sink many times but was able to grab a lifeline somewhere and pull myself back to the surface. At least temporarily. See something/someone, do something, anything, to pull me back out of the deep dark waters. But in the last couple of weeks, that is not happening. I'm just feeling more and more desperately sad and lonely for Mark and more overwhelmed with what has to be done. (and nothing is going smoothly - everything has been a challenge or a fight). And I feel very much hopeless that I will ever have any genuine happiness or joy again, with little to no relief, no matter what I'm doing or who I am around.

I called out one of my friends last night, on her lack of presence the last few weeks (I asked if I had offended her or hurt her feelings, and wondered why she has basically been absent from my life since Mark died). I just went there. (Basically ...where have you been when I needed you most?!) She apologized and said (paraphrasing) 1) she assumed that I was surrounded by family and trying to give me space and 2) That she didn't know what to say and didn't want to say anything to make it worse. She called me and talked to me for an hour. She really does want to be there for me. She just didn't know what to say. I'm glad I said something to her. I believe her to be a very good person.

I have another "friend" that I had been considering saying something to. Up to now, I pretty much had considered her my closest friend (though not my best. She is a narcissist and I have had to put her in her own little category years ago - that I take what I get from her because I realize her limitations - she is basically all about herself and what others can offer her. I love her anyway, but I know who she is. What I mean by she's been my "closest" friend is that she is the one I've probably spent the most time with, gone on girl's trips with, pretty much "talked to' (texts, calls) every day for the last 20 years). But knowing that she is limited in her ability to truly love another person that isn't herself, I have pretty much decided having a conversation with her would be pointless. She will just get defensive and dismissive. I did hope she would prove me wrong and end up being a true friend when I needed her most, but she didn't. And it's not a surprise. And she is one that I have now moved outside of my "circle of trust." There are several that have been moved there - but she was the closest to me in that group. Until now like I said, we had pretty much communicated with one another every single day for the last 20 years.
Honestly, I'm not that sad to lose her. She's not that good of a person. Shame on me for having spent so much time with her. I have DEEP regret about the trips I took with her now (if I could go back, I would not have ever left Mark's side. ESPECIALLY not to spend time with her). Still ...knowing who she is, I had hoped that she would prove me wrong and be there for me. oh well.

Gary, thank you for the lifeline and the hug. I'm amazed at your ability to (seems like from what you shared) really go out of your way to face and embrace the pain. I have enough (pain) here. Though I suppose my trip to "our place" a few weeks ago, was kind of the same thing as your going to the woods.
Do you think it is helping you? I certainly don't want to get stuck here - in the dark deep, running out of strength and will. But I feel like I'm already in enough pain as it is, without pursuing discomfort. If I am making sense. But we all have to do what will help get us through. That seems to be what you need to heal.
I don't know yet, what I really need to do.....or who I am....or where to go. I'm just trying to get through the hour.

Lou, your dreams kill me. That must be so hard. Very sweet dream, but I'm sorry they cause you additional pain.
As far as I can remember, I haven't dreamt about Mark at all. That makes me sad, but then I'm not sure I can handle seeing him in my dreams right now. That might be even harder than not seeing him at all. At least for now.

Deb, I'm so sorry you are struggling too, with sadness, with expressing yourself and with your Chromebook. That makes everything that much more difficult. When you finally do feel up to sharing something and your electronics won't cooperate. That's so frustrating and exhausting. Hang in there Deb. ♥

Karen, you are so right about holding tightly to our faith. And I really am trying. My faith hasn't really wavered, just my strength and ability to handle the pain and the lonliness (and other frustrations and fears that come with everything else we all have to deal with in the aftermath). Thank you for your encouragement.

Patti, thank you for the big hugs. I need them. Big hugs in return. ♥

Robin, I'm so glad you've had happy times with your children. God bless them. The strength and happiness you are feeling with them gives me hope. Thank you. I am praying for you as your son flies out tonight. ♥

Anyway....time to try to get myself together.

Thanks again, everyone. I hope you all have a positive day. ♥

 

* I should add, that my friend who I moved out of my closest circle of trust, I still love. And I will continue to be there for her when she needs me. I just know now that she isn't someone I can count on to be there for me.
I love her anyway. *

 

Damp cloudy drizzly... go for a walk after listening to some Santana and Miles Davis. My go to music. feel very weird. I know it's grief. Keep trying to try!

 

Stacey,

I'm so glad that you reached out to one of your friends and had a heart to heart conversation. I'm so happy that she has not vanished from your life and truly wants to be here for you. I "get" how uncomfortable it must be for friends who care about us to know how to support us best, especially when we have no idea how we're going to feel from minute to minute, never mind day to day. As far as that other so called "friend, " you're so much better off without her. Cut the ties the best you can. At this point, at least for me, a "shallow" relationship would just drain me of way too much energy, energy I need to try to move forward.

I agree with what you said, each of us has to do whatever it is that helps us get through this. Today is one of those days, I'm having trouble tackling my daily to do list. However, if I can accomplish the things on it, there aren't that many of them, I will at least feel like I did something constructive today. I can almost hear myself telling you, any one of TGW, that spending the day just being a couch potato, crying..., is not only sometimes necessary, but is also being constructive. We are healing even though at the time we don't think we are. We are confronting our grief, tackling it head on, getting it out in the open, shedding buckets of healing tears... And, those tears as one of TGW said awhile ago, are different from other tears.

You and I, and all the rest of TGW who are feeling like we're stuck at the bottom of this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions, are healing. It's just happening so S l o w l y that we don't "feel" it. We will get through this together!!! Our name says it all. We are TGW!!! I believe that we found each other for exactly this reason. Like Lou, I don't believe in coincidences.

I hope today turns out to be at least a bit better than you're thinking it will.

Sending lots of extra hugs and love to you, and of course to Miles too, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

P.S. Scrap the part I wrote about totally distancing that friend of 20 years from your life. You are a wonderful friend, an extremely loving and caring person. I hope your friend realizes how lucky she is to have you. You still love her, I can understand this.

 

George,

I hope your afternoon is going better than your morning did. As I keep saying, sounding like that broken record again, the only thing I know for certain, is that everything is always subject to change. I want to "talk" more, but really need to complete the few tasks I have on my daily to do list. I'm going to try to get a walk in, or else I'm just going to become a couch potato... I guess MG will have the final say in this. I HATE!!! this feeling, like my life is so out of control... Stopping here, but I really could keep right on rambling on and on and on, etc., etc., etc!!!, TU!!!

Sending lots of extra love and hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

As Gary said he's only heard the term, "Sleep tight" from his mother. An old German saying when they had to put robes under the mattress to stay up. How about sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite.
So you like dark humor, Hum! sustains you. It probably toughens you up for the Shack.
I like that you have brothers here and us widow ladies, sure makes the day interesting (sad and funny) doesn't it? The forum is our book of many chapters. Maybe in the new year we call it
Season I episode 1, 2,3, and so on.
Okay, I'll read your posts and come up with a tease. Since I don't have Jack to make fun of you're next in line, aren't you a lucky guy.

 

YES! I'm very lucky to have funny women
like you in my life, Karen. The highest
compliment I can give, is that Linda
would've loved to have you as a friend.
The 2 of you could've ganged up on me,
and I would learn to take it in stride,and
not be a stuffed shirt! BTW, Bernadine
is " no slouch", as Linda used to say, in
finding one of my typos. I wanted to find
out how the widows are doing, but I
said "ate" instead, so Bernadine told me
what she ate!! Lou

 

Karen the old Germans used ropes to support the mattress instead of boxsprings. I imagine the ropes were like laces on a shoe. they crisscrossed and then were pulled tight. If they came loose the sleeper would sink. “Sleep tight”meant I hope the ropes don’t loosen and your ass hits the floor. Stacey your question makes me think, does the suffering in the elements do me any good? My answer is yes it does help. It makes me go longer periods of time enduring discomfort. I endured a lot of discomfort in my life until the last nine years with Cheryl. The music group the Who has the song called “the bargain.” The main line is “the best I ever had.” When I said goodbye to Cheryl the first time I told her she was the best I ever had and that I would catch up with her in the promised land. I started out my morning listening to the dog and butterfly cd by heart. It’s soothing and gentle. I will move into Led Zeppelin later this afternoon. I need to get on my exercise bike and see if I can burn off some anxiety. I need to get into the physical part of my grief recovery. Thanks. Gary

 

Good sunday morning to all, getting a late start today but wanted to check in
Gary, Such a wonderful message to receive from you this morning. Not surprisingly the planned extension of the garden path faces due west. It is marked by a little welcome mat in the grass right now. I can walk barefoot down the path, turn and look back into the garden just as you’ve indicated. I’ve just set myself an alarm, 7:48am, solstice sunrise. Thank them for their message, I’ll be there. ‍♀️
We had our first proper frost overnight and everything is sparkly this morning as a promised day of sunshine has manifested. Frost means it’s time to put out the bird feeders and clear ice from the bird bath and that’s proper motivation to get outside, at least for a little bit.
Lou, spiced stewed apples with raisins in oatmeal, food is medicine so I prioritize that in my life. The little garden has varieties of kale, spinach, beet greens, chard and pea shoots right now. Everything is small, growing slowly but last night’s frost will have improved the flavor and sweetness of the kale and brussels sprouts.
I promise to get better with names, WB (widow brain) for the moment Everyone consider themselves blessed & embraced….. Deb, George, Robin, Lou, Gary, Karen, Patti, Stacey, Tom….. who am I missing? ~B

 

Stacey, I haven’t had any dreams about Kenn. I really thought I would. Maybe he knows something I don’t, that like you it might be too hard or too soon…. A reflection of their love for us right now? Who knows.

 

Bernadine, nothing wrong with your
brain. Right now, we have 5 widows and 3
widowers. If Tom decides to stay with us,
he will make up "The Fabulous Four", as
Gary put it.I read that a way to prevent
dementia, is to eat a lot of fruits & veggies.
You are certainly doing that. I am, too,
and trying to avoid red meat and sugar,
which can add to inflammation. I do
eat eggs, chicken, turkey, and seafood,
which I consider " brain food". Lou

 

I went out and did a short walk in the damp drizzle and cold rain then went out with TB and his GF to a couple stores and they got dinner ingredients shrimp Alfredo. Sounds good. I'm just so precarious today. doing better but these dreams every night about Valerie are intense. Couch potato-ing is good! Getting out seemed helpful even though the weather is miserable today. At least no snow,,, yet! I dread that with the car outside now and having to drive to dialysis. The scabs of grief have been puling off (the dreams) and I feel so raw inside. But thatz the Tilt-a-World-whirl we are on I guess. Take care and much love!

 

I managed to get out.. so funny and cool WXRT is playing Led Zepp right now! Music is one of the few things I still like. Listened to the Dead's American Beuty twice today. Short walk in the drizzle murk/cold rain. It was invigorating! Can't wait for snow! -NOT!

 

I keep having upsetting dreams about Valerie... It's making MG come out big-time. the weather here is pretty murky and damp too.

 

"I'm just feeling more and more desperately sad and lonely for Mark and more overwhelmed with what has to be done. (and nothing is going smoothly - everything has been a challenge or a fight). And I feel very much hopeless that I will ever have any genuine happiness or joy again, with little to no relief, no matter what I'm doing or who I am around." I so totally get this! It is like that for me too. I really am floundering today. Today the scabs are off and I feel so raw inside and just plain bad. I know this accept this but it still sucks big time. I miss my best friend so much today!

 

George, if I had my way, it would rain all
night, and be sunny during the day, for
long walks. It seems that where you live,
and where Bernadine lives, are having
dreary, gray, & damp weather. I chuckled
when you used the expressive word,
"NOT!", which brought me back to seeing
Wayne's World in a movie theater. That
word, and other expressions, became so
popular, that even an older guy, Johnny
Carson got a lot of laughs, using them on his show. I liked snow when I was a boy.
I remember being excited when schools
had to close during a snowstorm. Now,
it's a pain in the ass. I choose not to have a
car. I walk everywhere, or take a bus, but
snow hinders my walking. Lou

 

I wish I didn't need a car! You are one lucky S/B I say! I dread driving to dialysis in the snow! I dread the arctic pain of cold cold winter. I still use the dated NOT I'm not kool or hip and I don't want to be anyway. I want to post a heavy dark poem on here. I don't know if I should. I need to express myself somewhere... Sometimes I feel such anger lurking behind the pain. I cover it with scabs and scars of scabs... Death sucks! I did stuff UI do stuff I live every day. I took care of my dying wife. I can't cry! I can't say anything!

 

George,

I love your addition of "World" to Lou's Tilt a Whirl!!! It just SUCKS!!! However... I'm so happy that TB and his GF are making dinner again tonight, that you walked, even though Mother Nature is being such a pita in your corner of the world, and went with TB and his GF to get ingredients for tonight's shrimp dinner. I think you are doing so much better than you think you are!!!, TU!!!

I don't blame you for dreading the snow... It was one of the reasons that Bob and I moved to SC. Now I miss it... how pretty the world looks blanketed in snow..., that is, until cars, dogs, people, etc., destroy that beautiful, calm, peaceful look. I'm now used to the warmer temps here. When it's 50 degrees out, I'm now freezing... My friends at "home" laugh at this, so it's okay if you do too. I used to be one of those people who was thrilled to see the temps hit 50 after a really cold stretch of miserable snowy days.

I'm sorry about those dreams... Dreams about Valerie must SUCK BIG TIME!!!, TU!!! Waking up finding her side of the bed, empty..., cold... I "get" it. I have to force myself to get into bed every night. I can't get used to sleeping without Bob cuddled up next to me. I've been hanging on to this miserable Tilt a World Whirl by a thread, hanging on as tightly as I can, afraid of falling off. We need to find that secret map, the one that clearly marks the exit to Mr. Grief's amusement park... If only it was this simple. Grieving SUCKS!!!

Enjoy another delicious home cooked meal. I hope that Mr. Grief leaves you alone tonight, and you're able to get some quality zzz's.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB