Stages of Grief: Anger

Gary, woke up in middle of night and saw
your eloquent piece about your grief and
suffering, in the woods, without your dear
Cheryl. I noticed what time you wrote it:
10:13. That was Linda's birthday. I believe that was a reassuring sign from Linda, as
Tom Zuba would say. I really needed to see
a GW ( I thought it would be one of the 3
women on the West Coast). I woke up from
a dream that Linda & I were embracing,
while standing. When Linda was sitting
too long, we would look at each other,
and say, " time for a stand up hug!". I woke
up,on my back ( which was unusual, bc I
always sleep on my side , usually my left,
bc I read that's the healthiest position for
one's back). I was hugging myself, thinking
it was Linda. I remarked how blue her eyes
were ( mine are brown). When I realized it
was a dream, I cried, and said aloud, "why
didn't we hug more?". There was a recent
Center for Loss quote, which explored
guilt and regret, over things not done,
with one's spouse. But, the message was,
since we can't hug our soulmates anymore,
we know that we can, and should, hug
others. Lou

 

Hi, Lou, I ate ok, home made butternut squash and mushroom barley risotto.
But perhaps that was a typo and you hoped we Are ok? lol, teasing.
The answer to that is yes, well mostly.

It was one month on the 2nd. Seems like yesterday. And yet forever looms.
I’m lacking motivation, ‘maybe tomorrow’ seems to be my mantra.
I know I’m strong enough to hold all of these emotions; to feel them, to let them ebb and flow and not get stuck in my bones and still the tiredness is real.

I had a quiet new moon day today though. December, winter, rain in the pacific northwest. Imagining the garden for the new year…. and yet I haven’t stepped out there much. The garden fairies are wondering where I’ve gotten to I’m sure.
Maybe tomorrow. ~B

 

Hello, Tom
I’m Bernadine, my partner of over 20 years, Kenn, just died on November 2nd so I’m new around here. I’m following everyone’s posts, just been quiet the last few days. ~B

 

Bernadine, where, oh, where is Tom?
I reached out to him recently to a post, in
which he mentioned Deb and myself. His user name is "tgotyall". He kindly gave his
name, Tom, and that of his wife, Gina. I told him I'm the oldest of 3 "brothers" on
GIC: Gary, middle brother. and George,
youngest. Gary welcomed him and said
we could be The Fantastic Four! Hope I
didn't scare him away. Fact is that I've been
on GIC since the end of July, whereas Tom
has been on this site for at least a year. Lou

 

Bernadine, you are sharp AND funny,
like Karen. You are right. It WAS a typo.
Although I do like to hear what other GW
are eating --- hopefully healthy foods to get
us through Christmas and New Year's. I also like to hear that we mourners are
getting our sleep and exercise. This is
essential in the flu and pneumonia season,
never mind COVID!! I know that Linda
wanted me to be healthy, bc we went to the
same nurse practioner, together. I still go
to her now. Turned out I have anemia, so
I take a Nature Made Multi complete
vitamins, including iron. I also take Vitamin D, bc our summers are so short &
we don't get as much sun, as states down
South. Sounds like you have a lot of rain
in Oregon, so you have that problem, too.
After Linda died suddenly 3 years ago, I
didn't care if I lived or died, but now I do.
I think everyone on GIC does, too, and I'm
glad to see that. Lou

 

Just had a night of the most exhausting intense and disturbing dreams yet. Yes they all involve Valerie. I can't say anything except I'm here. Dialysis. Kept getting leg cramps all night too...

 

Hey, Tom! It's been a few days since we
last heard from you. Not sure if you saw
everybody reaching out to you! I had said
that I'm the oldest of 3 "brothers" here:
Gary, "middle brother"", and George,
youngest. Gary suggested you join us and
we could be The Fabulous Four! We live in
different time zones: Gary in Indiana,
George. in Illinois, and myself, on the
northern coast of Massachusetts. Where
do you live? We are the only widowers
right now. We have a solid group of 5
widows, with whom I feel close, even though I joined Grief in Common (GIC)
end of July. Hope we can see you soon. Lou

 

Sorry to hear you are not feeling well. It's going o be a week here at the new place. My daysare ok enough. productiveso I can't think. Walking everyday now and eating good food. But the nights! Every night I have the most disturbing exhausting anf painful dreams. It's like MG is catching up with me at night. I hope you fel better soon!

 

So sorry about those very sad dreams about Valerie. I had a dream about Linda,
in the middle of the night today, and woke
up crying. As I wrote earlier. I ended up
sleeping on my back, ( usually sleep on my
left side, facing the wall). and I was
hugging myself. My dream, which was so
vivid, is that Linda & I were laughing &
facing each other and said it was time for
a "stand up " hug. I had a pang of guilt &
regret that I didn"t hug her more. But. a
recent Center for Loss quote said that
though Linda & I can't hug again, I know
the value of hugging ( whoever that may
be). Lou

 

I just can't articulate the exhausting and disturbing nature of these dreams. I seem better (or more active) during the day but at night MG catches up with me. All these dreams are exhausting and painful. ... I wish I could describe them... thanks for being there Lou.

 

George, my "foggy widower's brain" is
playing tricks on me, as Deb would say.
What is MG? I feel that if Mr. Grief doesn't
bother us in the daytime when we're
busy, he sure kicks our ass in our dreams.
All I can tell you, George, is that after 3
years, I don't have nearly as many dreams,
or sob the way I used to. Lou

 

Lou thanks for sharing your dream with Linda. that was a beautiful dream. I think Tom is TLWGW (the lone wolf grief warrior). Like me spending a lot of time alone in the woods Tom feels safe in the same manner. I had a therapist ask me are you an introvert or an extrovert? I said I’m an introvert that’s bad right? She said no that’s not bad. an introvert gets their energy by being alone and extroverts get their energy from other people. Tom’s three brother wolves will readily accept him into the pack whenever he’s ready along with our sister wolves. I have decided to take a couple days off from hunting and get caught up on chores and rest. Robin thanks for sharing how much stronger you are having your son and daughter with you. and how much progress you’ve made in your grief journey. Bernadine your garden fairies are hoping you’ll enter the garden from the west side facing the sunrise on December 21. They will rejoice when the new light kisses your face because they will be borne again. George you and Deb are fighting the good fight. You both are moving forward in difficult times. It’s easy to stay positive when things are going good. You are putting one foot in front of the other and keep on Truckin. Seize the day TGW. Gary

 

MG is Mister Grief... I need a cheat sheet to keep up with everything... I still don't remember what TU is. I'm trying...

 

George., I should've known MG! Duh! But,
I CAN help you with TU. That is Deb's
abbreviation for one of her funnier
expressions: "total understatement!!!".
Deb & Gary are much better at using
abbreviations than I am. Although I
came up with The Grief Warriors, they
have expanded it. I think they call you
the "ultimate" GW, but I forget the initials!
Lou

 

Trying to journal all my insane heavy dreams. I am so sore and exhausted. Like I said I need a cheat sheet for the GWs and abbrevs. I need to stop my brain thinking about what could happen or what I should do. I need to remember to be kind. I feel so crappy emotionally and physically this morning. Thanks for being there big Bro!

 

Gary: Linda & I took the Myers-Briggs test
to discover if we were introverts or
extroverts. At that time, in 1996, when we
got married, Linda was an extrovert and
I was an introvert. My ideal job, according
to the test. was a solo job as a forest
ranger! Over time, those labels did not
compute. Both of us were on the cusp.
When Linda became ill, in the hospital,
and then, the rehab unit of a nursing
home, she was withdrawn, and had only
one friend, her favorite nurse, about her
age of 68. As I had to take on the duties of
talking with people ( doctors, health
insurance agents), both face to face, and on
the phone, I became a "people person", as
my grief therapist later called me, several
months after Linda died. Of course I was
drinking then, which made it easier to
cultivate friendships at the Shack, and
also to meet tourists from all over the U.S.
and the world. A year after Linda died, I
stopped drinking, at the advice of my
grief therapist. She pointed out that the
drinking made me MORE depressed. I can't
call myself an extrovert, bc I still like my
time alone, whether out in nature, or in the
quiet of my apartment. I like the freedom to come & go. I like your description of Tom, in relation to our "pack". We will have to wait & see. I must say that George & I are having trouble keeping up with
initials, like " TLWGW" ( !!). As you know,
I came up with The Grief Warriors ( TGW),
but you & Deb have expanded that concept
and I'm having trouble keeping up! Lou

 

George, don't feel bad about not keeping
up with the abbreviations & initials! I'm
the same way. I just replied to Gary's post,
& told him I couldn't remember all the
additions, like Deb & he could! Lou

 

MG is really f-ing kicking my ass this morning...

 

George, kick him right back. I did this
morning, and cursed him out. I got
dressed in my hoodie, sunglasses, and
braved the cold, but sunny day to go to
my breakfast spot across from ocean.I'm here, listening to the classic Otis Redding
song, a sad lonely one, that fits my mood,
at the moment. Lou

 

Patti,

I hope you're feeling much better and stronger today... I bet JayCee looks so beautiful..., freshly washed, new "haircut," and blown dry... There is nothing better than a freshly washed fur baby... I'm glad that you're doing the best you can to take care of yourself, cooking delicious dinners... I can only handle making myself something that doesn't require use of my micro about half the week. I'm working on this, but it's a struggle. I still can't eat at the kitchen table, even after (almost) eight months.

I haven't been around much, too difficult right now, having lots of trouble expressing myself in writing, but just wanted to stop by to thank you for that GREAT BIG HUG, I needed it!!!, TU!!!

As always, sending you and JayCee lots of hugs, love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB