Stages of Grief: Anger

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Marcey, Oct 21, 2021.

  1. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Oh, thank you Karen! I need humor too. Anything to smile, even if through tears.
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  2. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    I'm all about rambling. It's really okay! (I didn't think you were rambling anyway ;) Thank you for the tip and I will go there next. And thank you for the encouragement. ♥
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  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much, being a dog Mom, you understand how I’m feeling. I don’t even want to take him on Monday. Our pets are family and bring so much comfort. Teddy was a gift from Ron too.
    I can’t even put into words how happy I am that I found Ron’s ring! I was beating myself up for losing it. But I have it now and I’m feeling better. Ron’s ring fits me, because I have arthritis and my hands and fingers are pretty swollen during the summer months. I’m sorry you’re having trouble with necklaces you bought for your husbands ring. I can share that losing it is NOT a good feeling. It’s like another loss. I hope you can come up with a way to wear it and feel it’s safe.
    I get that you’re down and I’m right there with you on the financial stuff, that can be a struggle for sure. I’m sure you’ll get a day, even more then a day, that you’ll have no issues to deal with. It will happen. That’s a great plan though to deal with the issue at hand then move on. When I’m not sure how to resolve something I always try to figure out what Ron would say or do, and that’s what I do. I’m sure you do that too. I’m glad you’re feeling less alone since you’ve joined this site. That’s a big plus. We’re here for you! Robin
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  4. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Deb, thank you for your kind words and your warm welcome. ♥ I'm so sorry you lost your husband.

    I totally get the feeling more alone and more lonely for them, as time goes on. Every day it is getting worse for me. So I get that now. And I dread the future.

    I'm also dealing with the foggy brain and I am having trouble putting my thoughts into words these days; in person and in type here. I feel like I probably come across as sounding super stupid. But I'm usually fairly well-spoken. lol Just not now. Maybe never again. We'll see.

    Glad to hear that at least you have found something that makes you smile again, even if it's only now and then. (((Hugs)))

    Not to (further) bum anyone out, but my mom lost my dad 35 years ago....on their 24th wedding anniversary. And she still mourns him. Now she is grieving all over again, with and for me. So this will indeed, as Gary said (I believe), never be over. It will continue. The grieving, but also the healing. My mom was encouraging me today that healing is slow because the wound is so deep. But healing does take place. There will always be a deep sadness, but it does get easier over time. Still pain, but less of it. Less intensity.
    And my mom laughs every day. She smiles (for real) every day. Even now, when we are grieving all over again. So there is a lot of happiness and joy to be felt and shared, ahead for us all. There really is. We just have to be patient with ourselves.

    Thank you again, and I look forward to getting to know you and everyone here, better. Praying for a peaceful night for you.
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  5. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Thank you Gary! Humor is ALWAYS okay with me.

    I'm so sorry you've suffered so much, having lost your wife. I'm very glad you've survived the grief-brain incidents. So far I haven't almost shot myself, but I did almost back into my son's truck yesterday. They didn't seem too concerned but I feel certain it's because they didn't see how dangerously close I am to backing into his shiny new truck. lol
    Decisions for me are no bueno too. I really hope I can get through this without a major flub-up.
    It's good to know that your doctor says all of this is perfectly normal, at least to the 1 year mark.

    I have more of a response but I keep falling asleep at the keyboard. Since sleep doesn't come easily (probably for any of us) I'm not going to fight it. I will try to go to bed and type more tomorrow.

    I wish you and everyone here a very safe and peaceful night. Lord, please help us all sleep well tonight. ♥
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  6. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Woke up and reached across to his empty side of the bed, grabbed his pillow and held it and cried (and begged him to come back to me). Pretty much my new normal wake-up routine now. I hate this so much.

    One of you mentioned (Robin, I believe? I'm so sorry - I looked and couldn't find it) that you get little signs all of the time, that seem undeniably him (your husband). I have been praying and begging for something...anything....to let me know that he's still here. That he still cares. That he misses me. That he is still thinking about me...because he is all that I can think about. I haven't seen a thing. Even seeing him and interacting with him in my dreams. That hasn't happened either.
    And that is adding to my heartache. I believe (because of our shared faith) he is in Heaven. And I feel like, he is now happy and busy and not remembering me or thinking of me at all.
    On one hand, I am so happy for HIM because I know that's a better place. And he's not suffering. And he doesn't have to deal with his emotionally unglued wife. He is presently healed, complete, happy and in the presence of God, his parents, my dad, and other friends and loved ones who shared the same faith and have gone on before.
    But on the other hand, I feel abandoned and unloved. He spent our entire 40 years together (married just under 39 and engaged for a year before that) looking out for me, taking care of me, protecting me, loving me (he was wonderful).... And because I do fully believe that he is alive and well, in Heaven, it seems like he wouldn't be able to just forget who I am to him, just because we are apart now. Because I can't forget who he is to me, while we are apart. Not even for a moment.

    I know there is so very much that we don't, and can't, understand. And I'm mostly okay with that. But I don't think that asking for something...anything....that indicates to me that he still loves me, that he is still thinking about me, that he is still asking God to protect and care for me, even from there, is too much to ask.
    I keep being told his presence here and now is our children and grandchildren. That he lives on in them. This is true and I love that and am grateful beyond words for them. I thank God Almighty for the family that he blessed us with, that is very much a very real part of him and me. I don't know what I would do without them. They are the reason I live now.

    But that's not what I mean. I need it to be personal to me - something from him to me, because of our shared love for one another and our life together, just him and me.

    It probably sounds stupid. Shallow and silly. But I will continue to ask for a sign. Something. Anything undeniably him. I desperately need it.

    Anyway, ... Good Morning Everyone. I hope you all got some sleep. I need more coffee.
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  7. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Sending lots of hugs your way... I want to respond, but need to get a walk in, otherwise I feel like I'm going to lose the last remaining shred of sanity I have left.
    I totally "get" what you're saying. I believe in signs from our loved ones. I truly believe that our loved ones are watching over us. There are many of us who believe this. It isn't stupid.

    Really got to go, so for now...

    Sending you lots more hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I read your post while at the vet with my daughters dog for a well visit. I wanted to reach through my phone and give you a hug.
    First let me say not to question your husbands love, he loves you dearly he is there I feel positive that he is sending you signs and you’re possibly missing them sometimes they’re very small and hard to realize that it could be a sign. I do get many signs and visits from Ron. We could always read each others mind and we had discussed when one of us passed we will do our best to send signs that we were OK and to offer guidance. One of the first things I said to him after I was allowed in to see him after he had passed was please remember to give me signs that he’s OK visit me as much as possible find a way, whatever way that is I would figure it out. The next night sitting in my living room half asleep after crying all day Ron came to me it was mainly just his head I could see him next to my head looking at me like I’m here I’m OK please be OK. I have received a lot of signs from him I get them from my mom I’ve gotten a couple from my dad mostly my mom she turns on the light that used to be in her house that I have here in my home she turns it on. My advice to you would be to talk to him like a conversation don’t ask for anything just talk to him you can tell him you’re hurting you can ask him his thoughts on things but talk to him regularly. I find when I get signs for messages it’s when I least expect it I’ve requested him to do things for me for the most part that hasn’t worked other people have had success with that I’ve talk to people on the site that that works for them mine are usually like out of the blue he led me to my loss credit card I believe he help me find his wedding band so just have an open mind and an open heart and anything that might happen that you can’t come up with any other reason for it to happen it could be your husband visiting you such as a light blinking, finding coins, having a butterfly fly around your head a bird that gets extremely close like they never do that could be a sign from your husband. I’m sorry you’re hurting so bad and I’m sorry today is just one of those awful days that we all know so well keep the hope think positive he loves you he’ll always love you he’s in your heart and he will give you messages.
    This got very long I’m sorry and I do have more to say but my daughter is here to pick me up we’re heading out to do some errands I’ll write more later and I pray that you’re feeling better
    God bless I’ll check in later. Robin ❤️
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  9. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Thank you Deb, ♥ Thank you Robin. ♥

    Deb, I hope your walk was just what you needed. Thank you for not thinking what I said is stupid.

    Robin, that is so sweet that you are able to enjoy that connection still with Ron. That must be such a tremendous comfort. Thank you for sharing that with me.

    I have been talking to him - on and off at home, but when I get in the car I talk to him nonstop. When I was in the car before, is when I would call him or (speak-to-) text him (when he was at work). So when I get in the car now I automatically want to connect with him. And it's horribly painful. I've called his phone several times from my car rides. Hoping this time he will just answer. I left him a voicemail the other day. Told him how much I miss him. But when I'm not calling him on my phone, I'm just talking to him. Telling him about what is going on with me. Things I've been doing that I think he would be proud of. But I do ask him to let me see him, feel him, show me he's still around.
    I will try what you suggested and just talk to him without asking him for anything.

    I know I'm not in a good place at all right now. But this week has been just awful. I've been cleaning out his closets and drawers and bathroom stuff. Letting the boys go through his clothes and his stuff, to see what they want and can use. I've been going through the process of ordering his headstone. And I've been cleaning out boxes of our stuff, in the garage of our home of 37 years (that I no longer live in). It's been brutal. So many tears. So much pain. And I'm continuing to miss him more with each passing day.

    Keep thinking that I need to rest my mind and heart. But there's nowhere to go to escape this. I will feel his absence and my aching for him no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing. So there's really no point in trying to get away right now.

    I'm sure you all know exactly what I mean. No pressure to respond. I'm just kind of purging, I think. This is so hard.

    I am thinking about joining the local gym or taking a self-defense class. I know I can workout at home, but forcing myself to go somewhere a few nights a week where people are...might do me some good.
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  10. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You're right, it is very comforting. Of coarse we want more, but these signs are helpful that’s for sure. Others on here might know about me losing my credit card, but I’ll share with you. I couldn’t find it anywhere. I knew the last time I used it was at home. I searched everywhere for 3 days. Then I woke up the next morning and I knew my credit card was in my car. Ron told me during the night. There was no question in my mind. My daughter had spent the night and when she woke up I was out searching my car. She came out and asked what I was doing I told her my card is in the car. She said, Dad told you? We searched together. We found it, under the drivers seat. Then I remembered my purse had fallen into the back of my car. And my card fell out. We were in awe that Ron helped me find my credit card. Pretty amazing and exciting.
    I understand you calling his phone, leaving messages, praying he’d answer. It’s those little things we miss so much. Not that our phone calls are little things, but definitely an everyday thing. That’s now gone. I remember how quiet my phone was, I missed getting his texts. My phone felt like it wasn’t on, silence. Heartbreaking. I know about your aching heart, and how it never ends. I’m so sorry! I’m impressed that you’re going through his things. I haven’t gone through much of Ron’s things. It brings me peace, having his things where they were, gone and empty just feels too hard. Maybe because I emptied our business, that felt devastating. Our second home and I’m emptying everything myself, hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m not up to going through his personal things, I have given some things away, but haven’t gone through everything. We’re all different and I understand you wanting to get it done and having your boys have what they might want. Taking their name off accounts is terribly hard too. Closing our business account made me cry, before, during and after.
    Keep your mind open to signs, even if people in your life might think you’re crazy. I have people who don’t believe and think I’m making these things up but it’s all really happening.
    I feel my best when I’m outside and when my daughter drives me onto the beach. The ocean breeze and watching the waves feels good. First few times after Ron passed it was terribly hard and cried a lot. We were at the beach often and took anniversary trips to stay on the ocean, so there’s a lot of memories that came flooding back. Now for the most part it’s a peaceful place to visit. If you feel up to joining the gym or taking a class it might be good for you. Get you out and around people. Losing our most important person in our lives is so hard, be kind to yourself, don’t push yourself too hard.
    I’m praying that you receive a sign from your husband that brings you some peace.
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  11. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Thank you Robin ♥

    I love your story and thank you for sharing it with me. That's amazing. I can imagine how comforting that must be to know he's keeping an eye on you and always near.

    Your decision to keep his things near makes total sense to me. If we were still in the home that we shared for 37 years, I don't think I would be able to move anything that was his. But when he got sick, we were in the middle of moving out of our home and in with my mom, to be a help to her. So our lives and living situation were in the middle of a HUGE (albeit intentional) upheaval (though confident in our decision, we were both reeling from the loss of the life we knew for 37 years in our home and were struggling to adjust to all of the changes...when he got sick).
    Our son and his wife have moved into our home. We were having to scale WAY back, to be able to fit in here at my mom's house. (She has a small apartment attached to her house, that my grandfather built when my dad passed away, for he and grandma to live in here with my mom. My mom is blind. Grandma and Grandpa have long since passed and our son and his wife were living in the little apartment here, saving up for a home of their own and being present for mom).
    We were still moving stuff. Half of his stuff was here (and it was crammed in) and the other half was still at the house. And a lot of the kids' stuff is still here (they're not done moving all of their stuff out of my moms' place). Anyway (long story short) because there's no room here, and this place isn't filled with memories of us together (we were only here a few weeks before he got sick) and we have sons who can wear/use a LOT of what he had and (this one is major) I didn't want to have to go through the pain of this process in months, potentially causing myself fresh pain, when hopefully some healing has started taking place. ..... For all those reasons, I decided to do it now. But it was not fun. What I cannot do is drop anything off at Goodwill. I can't do that with his things. What they didn't use, I have packed up and will wait to see if another family friend can use. I am only passing his stuff on to people that loved him. Otherwise, I'm keeping it. At least that is my decision for now. And, I kept several things that smell like him or are extra personal to me, and have them alongside my stuff.

    We too spent most of our little vacations at the beach. We would go back to where we spent our honeymoon, almost every year (as often as we could). We loved it there. I have been thinking I won't be able to handle going there ever again. I can't imagine not seeing the ocean again though...so was considering finding a new place that isn't filled with 39 years of memories of us. Your experience gives me hope that maybe I can still enjoy going to our favorite place, someday. Maybe.
    Thank you for sharing that.

    Thank you too, for praying that I can see the signs that he's still with me.

    I hope your day ahead is peaceful. ♥
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  12. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Oh my gosh Marcey! I totally understand. However you’re still impressing me that you’re doing this. Similar to me being forced to close and empty our business. There’s no real option so push forward. My heart breaks for you and all you’re going through. I wish I could give you a hug. At some point you’ll be able to get back to the beach. It’s still hard for me but it also feels comforting in a strange way. I go with my daughter and we talk about Ron/Dad and how much he loved it. We went on the outer beach with my daughters Jeep. Ron would grill hotdogs and hamburgers. He loved it. Have peace in knowing that you made the decision together to help your Mom. He knew things would need to be downsized. I know Ron is saying why are you keeping this stuff. He also told me he didn’t want a special urn or to be out where everyone sees. Well at the time I told him I’m sorry but if you should pass first you’ll probably be in a special urn and out where I can talk to you all day. He understood. So he’s in a wooden urn with hummingbirds. We used to watch them together in our yard. And I’m sorry Ron, but he’s sitting on a table, at the front of my living room, with pictures of us and a can of his favorite soda, Mountain Dew, and other things. I need that. What you’re going through is so hard, you’re being strong and there’s a great chance when all is said and done you might feel some relief. It’s wonderful that your boys can wear or use many things. Your life is a bit upside down in more ways then your loss, I can’t even imagine. You’re feeling weak and needing your husband is all to be expected. But your not weak, look at all you’re doing. I’m in awe! I feel the same way as you, that it feels so much better to have family members and close friends enjoy and use his things rather then goodwill. I know none of this is fun or easy, that’s why I put it off. Remember, your husband wants you to be ok, take moments during your day to just have a cup of coffee or be outside. Don’t push yourself too hard. Things you write make me feel we’re a lot alike. I feel your pain in your writing, and know that feeling too well.
    I’m a bit anxious today, I take Teddy to have his lump removed in the morning. Dreading it. I’m sure he’ll be ok but I just don’t want to take him.
    Ok I’m ending here. And praying you have a better day. Remember you’re important take care of you!
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  13. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Marcy I am so sorry for what you’re going through. and feeling all the pain of trying to make all those decisions. I had trouble with flashbacks after Cheryl died about performing CPR on her. and all the first responders Trying heroically to save her life. Immediately after saying goodbye to Cheryl they found a heartbeat. I couldn’t follow the EMS to the hospital. I had to wait for a detective by law. It was only a half hour drive and It seemed like two hours. I almost took Cheryl‘s cell phone with me. Then the long 48 hours in the heart Institute. After Cheryl died I waited by her side for six more hours for security to take her away. Around two hours after Cheryl passed the expression on her face changed from someone very tired and very sick to someone who had been enlightened. like Cheryl achieved nirvana. it was not a smile. I can’t explain it but I know something divine happened. That is a memory I must hang onto. To counter the flashbacks I made a collage of Cheryl and I at our favorite Spiritual places. and put it in an album on my phone. There is one place I took a Photo of Cheryl. it was high upon a rock that looked over a river and I told her don’t look at the scene until I get up there. When she looked at the beautiful scene I Took her picture in total awe. It is a beautiful memory. I made a shrine for Cheryl. it is actually the picture of my profile on this site. Cheryl collected half ladies and I have one that resembles her. This is where I hang out with Cheryl. In the book permission to mourn Tom Zumba writes when you feel their presence they are right here right now. Ramble on by Led Zeppelin is A song that reminds of Cheryl. I heard that song on the radio on a stretch of highway 20 miles from here. and then Two weeks later I was on that stretch of highway and I heard the same song. This is a sign. I tried for months to figure out why Cheryl’s heartbeat started again over an hour after she stopped breathing. I finally figured it out. when I said goodbye to Cheryl she loved me so much she tried to come back. The spiritual realm is totally underestimated in our society. But it exists. Sending you positive thoughts. Gary
  14. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I've read your messages and I can relate to all of them. I'm struggling today. I'm having more trouble than usual expressing myself, but want to share with you several things that have helped me move forward, to begin to heal. There is no right or wrong way to do grief, so please don't feel like you need to do either of these things.

    Lou, a GIC friend, recommended to TGW, the book that Gary mentioned in his message to you today, "Permission To Mourn, A New Way To Do Grief," by Tom Zuba. Tom Zuba lost his 18 month old daughter, his wife, and one of his sons. He managed to not only exist after this unbelievable amount of heartbreak, but to also find happiness again. This is one of the best books I've read. I keep it on my nightstand and refer to it often.

    Lou also said to us that it makes things much more personal if we use our loved ones names instead of just referring to them as my girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, or wife, etc... I couldn't do this in the beginning. When I continued to refer to Bob as my husband, Lou asked me again what my husband's name was. I realized that the reason I couldn't refer to Bob by his name was because by doing this, it made his death seem that much more "real" to me. While my brain knew that Bob was gone, my heart didn't want to believe this. The first time I used Bob's name in a message, I cried... I couldn't stop. My heart needed to accept what my brain already knew. If and when you feel ready, it might help you too, if you refer to your husband by his name.

    I almost forgot to mention that I think that if you can handle it, joining a gym would be an excellent thing to do. I used to workout regularly, and run. I had to give up my HIIT classes and running, my two main ways of dealing with stress, because of health issues. Although walking doesn't help me as much as much as my classes or running did, I'm not sure I would be able to survive this total heartbreak without my daily walks. I find that after spending time outside enjoying nature, the fresh air, sunshine, and a walk, I always feel at least a bit better by the time I get home.

    October 28th would have been my wedding anniversary. I'm having a very difficult time dealing with this. Robin and Lou have both told me that the actual event isn't as bad as the days leading up to it. I think Karen might have said this too, but with this foggy widow brain, I'm not sure. While I hope it's true for me too, I'm an emotional mess today. Need to stop here (for now.)

    I hope you have at least one reason to smile today....

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  15. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Thank you Robin! ♥

    Thank you for your encouragement and understanding. It helps a lot feeling like I'm understood right now.

    I think you're right in that your husband would want you to do exactly what brings you the most comfort and peace. And we need to honor them accordingly. WE know and love our spouses more than anyone else on earth, so we know what would be okay with them. Sounds like your display is very special to the two of you and just what you need. ♥

    I will be praying for you this evening, as you prepare, and tomorrow for you and Teddy. I hope all goes smoothly and he recovers quickly! It's going to be okay.

    Will do my best to take care. Today was church, but I am tired now and I have a long week ahead, so I will be resting for the remainder of today.
    I hope you can rest too!
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  16. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Gary, I'm so sorry for what you had to go through with Cheryl. Sounds so traumatic and painful. I'm glad for you that at least you have that final peaceful image of
    her to hold onto. That has to be a comfort.

    Thank you for sharing about your signs from her. That has to be a comfort to you - to feel and see that she is still near. Still with you.
    I will keep hoping and watching for my signs. I desperately need to know he's still with me.

    I hope your day has been full of hopeful signs and lots of peace. ♥ Marcey
  17. Marcey

    Marcey Guest

    Deb, thank you so much for your reply ♥

    I'm definitely going to order the book. Thank you for telling me about it. I'll think about using his name. I see what you mean, in that it makes it much more personal and real.

    I think walking is fantastic. It's great that you're doing that for yourself. I might start with that (there is a large park at the end of the street) and move up (to the gym) from there.
    I feel self-indulgent considering a gym membership. I already pay for Beach Body on Demand (my son is a coach) and have access to all of those at-home workouts (a HUGE library of workouts - all different kinds). But the gym would offer social interaction - if only being in the same place as others...even if I don't talk to them (and I don't want to talk to them). I have a tendency to be hermit-like, especially if I'm in pain. I have to force myself out of the house, on a good day. I'm afraid this is really going to make me never want to leave home again. So I am trying to be proactive and do something before it's a problem. Plus the benefits of exercise which should help me cope and lessen the depression. Not sure yet. Walking like you are doing, sounds like a good start at least. People can see me. I will have to brush my hair, at least. So there's that.

    I'll be praying for you, as your anniversary approaches. Ours was around 2 weeks after he passed. It was hard. If you can, plan to do something that day (either to honor the anniversary or just to keep yourself busy). I sat home and I feel like, for me at least, it was a mistake. But it was so soon after he died. I was still reeling (I AM still reeling).
    Next year though, I am going to "write" to him (in a draft in my email - and not send it - just type out everything I want to say to him, for myself) and will take a flower to the cemetery to honor our day. But I know we all process things differently. I will pray for a calm heart and mind up to and through your anniversary.

    (((((Hugs))))) Marcey
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  18. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    No need to respond!!! I know how difficult today is for you. If you see this, I just want you to know that you and Teddy are in my thoughts and prayers... I know, just like every day, Ron is watching over you...

    Sending lots of hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Robin, it does my heart good to see you &
    Marcey talking. The Grief Warriors,
    including me, were worried about you &
    didn't want to keep bothering you about
    Teddy while you were waiting to hear.
    As for the lump, I have to tell you about
    a local manic 70, and his black Labrador,
    Molly. Molly had a tumor in one of her legs. Outside of that, she's a very healthy,
    active dog, who likes to walk all over
    town & greet people. Molly also loves to
    swim. Bc the tumor never spread, Steve
    didn't want Molly's leg to be amputated.
    He feels he made the right decision. The
    dog has a lump on the leg, but appears
    to be fine. A classic Lou blooper: a local
    man, not "manic". Karen, if you see this,
    please giggle. I won't get mad. Lou
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  20. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Marcey, I wish I had seen your threads
    sooner. I just finished my Monday am
    phone therapy for grief, and stumbled
    on your conversations with my close
    friends, Robin & Deb. I am so glad you
    found our group. I made up the term,
    The Grief Warriors, to describe us. Just
    as in a battle, when one soldier falls &
    is wounded, the other soldiers lift him
    up. As they say, no one should be left
    behind. So it is with us. Deb checks in
    with me every morning & every night
    before I go to bed. When she cries about
    Bob , and their anniversary, I cry along
    with her & try to comfort her. Bob died
    6 months ago. My wife, Linda, died
    suddenly, at 68, in front of me, right before
    Thanksgiving, 2018. I cry every morning
    before I walk outside. My crying is not as
    intense as my first several months, when
    I used to sob. I couldn't listen to ANY
    music without weeping. My heart breaks
    for you, Marcey. You were married a
    long time. We were married 25 years,
    no children. We met in our mid 40s, 1st
    marriage for both. I miss her every day.
    Like you, my belief in God, and despite it
    all, my sense of humor ( though dark at
    times have taken me this far. When
    Linda died of a pulmonary embolism,
    and I couldn't " save " her, I couldn't
    get that last image of her out of my
    head. I suffered from PTSD , suicidal
    ideations, evtreme bereavement , and
    loneliness. I also had tremendous
    "survivor's guilt". Since Linda was my
    best ( &only ) friend and family, I was
    completely alone. I went to the ER, &
    then, to a small psychiatric unit for 5
    nights. Instead of being alone on
    Thanksgiving Day, I was able to be with
    8 other clients, and we could sit at a
    long table and eat the holiday dinner
    together. Thank God, I knew enough to
    go to the unit, & never attempted to take
    my own life.I can see by your very
    brave, honest posts & replies that you
    will be a real comfort to others here. I also
    see, that like all of us, you have a way with
    words & a wicked sense of humor, when
    you felt like you were "stalking" us in a
    creepy way. It's just in time for Halloween.
    I like the holiday when I was a boy, but
    not now. It also brings pain to some of
    my friends here, like Deb. I know you
    are reading Zuba's book, but I didn't get
    a chance to see if anyone suggested The
    Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by
    Jonathan Santlofer. Like Deb, who has
    Permission to Mourn on her bedside
    table, I have Jonathan's book next to my
    bed, so I can reread chapters. From what
    you wrote, Marcey, I highly recommend
    this book. You would know only too well
    his chapter, Stupid Things Said By Smart
    People. Really look forward to "talking"
    with you here, and hearing your thoughts
    about the books in our informal little
    "book club". Lou
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