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Stages of Grief: Anger

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Marcey, Oct 21, 2021.

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  1. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Stacey,

    I’m so glad you spent Thanksgiving with your family at your son’s house. I smiled reading that you had many enjoyable moments and did lots better than you thought you would.

    This tilt a whirl of emotions, as Lou so perfectly described it while you were away, is way beyond exhausting…. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you, after being surrounded by your loving family, to come home to an empty house… I HATE!!! that life will always be so bittersweet…

    Take your time…, do whatever you need to do today…, take care of yourself the very best you possibly can. We will be here for you when you want/need to “talk.”

    As always, sending you and Miles hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Good morning. Deb. Sometimes I feel like
    I'm back in the psychiatric unit, in the
    sense that I wake up in a lonely, sad state.
    As I told Gary, I then become my own
    drill sergeant & kick my ass out of bed,
    make coffee, and check in with my close
    friends on GIC, one by one. I told Gary
    how alone & scared I was that first
    night, the night before Thanksgiving,
    2018. I started to feel better when one
    older, lonely, depressed woman emerged
    from her room, and we had coffee
    together. I guess I'm weird, but the
    manic part of my manic depression, was
    determined to make this woman smile,
    and I succeeded. I can now understand
    why some of our greatest actors and
    comedians, had a deep sadness , tragedy,
    and loneliness in their lives, and wanted
    to make others feel better. I did, in that
    psych. unit, and I do now. Lou
     
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  3. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    I can relate to what you just said about waking up in a lonely, sad state... I wake up feeling like this every morning. The colder weather just seems to intensify my feelings. Like you, I make myself get up, start the day, tackle whatever is on my to do list. Like you, I'm determined to do whatever I have to do to keep moving forward. I'm feeling especially sad this morning. Like most of TGW, I made it through Thanksgiving, and to my surprise, the day turned out much better than I thought it would. However... as I was forcing myself out of bed this morning, I thought about Christmas... It's going to be here so soon!!!, TU!!! It was almost enough to make me want to pull the covers back over my head..., but I refuse to give up. Going to pour another cup of caffeine. Hope it kicks in soon...

    I love that after all the loneliness, deep sadness, and tragedy you've experienced, you've been able to create a new life for yourself, a new purpose... helping others to see the humor in life..., to smile... to feel better... (even if sometimes it's only for a short while.) By being able to smile again, we can begin to realize that the world can still be a wonderful place, filled with many new and exciting adventures, even after our hearts feel as though they have been ripped in half, our once happy lives, our dreams shattered... Knowing you have found your purpose in life, has me smiling big time. Thank you for being here for me, for all TGW...

    BTW, I love that you're the drill sargent of TGW!!! I hope your day is off to a good start...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  4. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Wow, Deb, your words pack a powerful,
    punch, as always. I keep thinking of new
    names for TGW, so it doesn't get "stale" as
    you pointed out. I feel like we're boxers
    of grief, pounded into the mat by Mr.
    Grief. We slowly, painfully get up, off
    our feet, shaken, but determined to live.
    I think of Marlon Brando, in On the
    Waterfront. After he's almost beaten to
    death, he emerges, in a powerful scene
    toward the end of the movie. And, of
    course, there's the more recent Rocky
    movies. The scene of Stallone running up
    those steps, triumphant, with that
    stirring music in the background, still
    makes me choke back the tears. Maybe
    we're the Boxers of Grief (BOG), but, I
    won't be hurt if the group prefers TGW.
    Lou
     
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  5. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    I'm definitely feeling like that BOG that has been pounded into the mat this morning... trying so hard to get up, and as soon as I'm standing, there's Mr. Grief, ready to knock me back down... We are the BOG refusing to give up, but ultimately we are TGW. WE WILL WIN THIS BATTLE!!!, TU!!! We are the BOG on our way to becoming TGW!!! Love this!!!, TU!!! Backing up a bit, I think we should keep TGW as the official name of our group. It packs a more powerful punch.

    Having trouble putting my thoughts into words as I always do whenever I've lost a round with Mr. Grief. I know I need a walk, but it's way too cold this morning. I know you haven't yet, but it's really okay if you laugh at me. Our high is supposed to be 58 degrees, but at least Mother Nature has plenty of sunshine in store for my little corner of the world. I hope I'm tough enough to brave the elements and get that walk in this afternoon. A part of me just wants to spend the day, wrapped in my super soft bereavement blanket, drinking HOT tea, doing absolutely nothing at all... But, then when I look outside that big picture window in my living room, see all those bright pink, beautiful flowers, I think of Bob, how brave, strong and determined he was... How much he wanted to "be on the right side of the dirt," and then I feel guilty for wanting to waste away this day.

    I know part of my sadness this morning is because I'm expecting some very important news soon. Either way, whether it's good or bad, will make those floodgates open... so glad I'm armed with lots of Kleenex. Either way, the news is going to be so very bittersweet. I don't feel strong enough to handle it, but, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I will be strong enough to handle it, because more than anything else in this entire world, I want Bob to be proud of me.

    The floodgates have just opened, Mr. Grief has just knocked me back down, feeling stuck on that mat. Going to stop here (for now.) Force myself to tackle something on my daily to do list. I refuse to let Mr. Grief win this battle!!!, TU!!! (This is way past stale... but I tossed this last one in just for you.)
    I hope you have a productive therapy session this morning, and it gives you added strength to conquer whatever challenges Mr. Grief might have in store for you today.

    Going to make one more cup of coffee, but it's the last one for today. Otherwise even if Mr. Grief allows me to go for that walk, my plumbing system won't (TMI, especially in the morning, but I know you can handle it, lol)

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, I agree with you about keeping TGW,
    as our title. I'm confused, & "foggy", as you
    say, as it is! My therapy went well. I even cut it short so Icould hop on the bus, on a
    cold, 40 degree, but sunny day. If I can
    do it, so can you, Deb. 58 degrees??!!
    Really??!! You've got to be shi**ing me!
    BTW, Center for Loss is back today. with a
    quotation from Abraham Lincoln. He
    suffered from depression all his life. That
    intensified the tragedy of losing his son,
    and, of course, seeing the many lives
    taken in a horrific Civil War. Sometimes,
    I wonder if this country ever recovered.
    It's so strange that the state where you
    currently live, was at war against my
    state, your former home. When I just
    got off the bus, I took care of my
    "plumbing" at the senior center. Linda & I
    used to say we were too young for the
    center. She may be right. The only thing
    that appeals to me, is a once a month
    group of accomplished jazz band
    musicians. They are older than I am,
    with a real spirit. The songs are upbeat,
    thank God. Lou
     
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  7. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    So glad your therapy session went so well that you cut it short to get on that bus. I'm looking forward to hearing about your day. I know I repeat myself all the time, but, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I love how you make the most out of each and every day!!!, TU!!! I know I would make good use of that senior center if I lived nearby... I stopped drinking coffee, so hopefully my plumbing system will let me get a good walk in later. I'm still too cold to brave the elements, lol...

    Enjoy the afternoon...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  8. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, I had to make a choice. I can dwell
    on the fact that, at 72, I'm in the "autumn
    of my years", as Sinatra sings. But, since
    I'm blessed with good health----so far----
    unlike Bob and Linda, I want to do
    more than be "above ground", as Linda
    said, or "the right side of the dirt" that
    Bob said. An ancient Roman philosopher,
    Horace, said "carpe diem". As you know,
    like Stacey, I like to quote stirring movie
    lines. In the Dead Poets Society, an
    English teacher, Robin Williams, pleads
    with his students: " Carpe Diem. Seize the
    day, boys, make your lives extraordinary".
    Don't we owe ourselves, and our late
    spouses, that, Deb? When you're thinking
    of the news for which you're anxiously
    waiting, try to think of that quotation.
    Lou
     
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  9. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    Thank you!!! I can't seem to pull myself together enough today, to stop crying long enough, to get that walk in... I keep saying I'm going to make it out the door, BUT haven't been able to yet. I'm going to think about this message lots today. As always, your advice is excellent, just what I needed to hear.

    Hope you enjoyed a fantastic lunch...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  10. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    Deb,
    I will share that I decided to just go ahead and cry so that I can go ahead and do things. The garden doesn’t mind my tears. I got a confused look at the store but I decided not to stifle it, wasn’t sobbing but there were tears.
    I wonder if you could walk and cry, maybe just a short walk to try it?
    Thinking of you often, I see you’re having a rough go of it. I’m so sorry.
    Bernadine
     
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  11. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Deb, I had a tasty AND healthy
    cod dinner at Oliver's, with pineapple &
    soda, instead of cranberry, for a change.
    I've always tried to follow the adage:
    "variety is the spice of life". On the bus
    back home, after looking out at the ocean,
    I nodded off. It wasn't so obvious that
    other passengers could see, bc of my
    mask, sunglasses, and hoodie. I used to
    see people, with their mouths open,
    sleeping, even snoring ( !) on the bus.
    Linda would call those passengers, some
    drunk, "open mouth bass ( fish) ".Also,
    whenever we would walk into a place to
    eat, if Linda felt people were staring at us,
    with their months open, she would also
    refer to them that way.. If she wanted
    to annoy someone who stared, she would
    say, " take a picture, it lasts longer". When
    she did that, I got very busy looking at the
    menu!! As much as that could be tense, at
    times, I'd love to see Linda do that again.
    But, as we know, that was not meant to be.
    Lou
     
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  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Bernadine, you are a kind, sensitive
    woman. Thank you for reaching out to
    comfort my close friend, Deb, who is also
    a kind, sensitive woman. Hope someday,
    you can walk back into that same store
    without fighting back tears. Lou
     
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  13. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, it's dark & cold, at 6pm. I'm grateful to
    God for my warm apartment. Now. MF
    has set in ( Mourner's Fatigue), so I'm
    about to take anap. Don't know how long.
    It will just be a sandwich later, and I will
    check in to see how it went with you
    this afternoon. I reached out to Mary

    ( Mary 0128), bc she put a LIKE on my
    carpediem reply to you. Talk later. Lou
     
  14. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Bernadine,

    Triggers are everywhere and just about anything can have me reaching for the nearest box of tissues. Whenever I go for a walk, I make sure I have a pocket full of them. In stores, when it's sunny out, many times I'll wear my sunglasses inside, lots of tissues in my purse. I wish so much we didn't have to have this in common... Lou said something about us keeping Kleenex in business once (or something similar to this). I really hope whoever owns Kleenex appreciates all of TGW, all of GIC!!!, TU!!! They should be sending us cases of tissues for Christmas...

    Your advice was right on target. Normally I would have followed it, but, and this is one of those very BIG BUTS!!!, I had, as Lou calls it MF (mourner's fatigue) to the max... Between being totally emotionally and physically worn out, and being freezing, in spite of the fact that in many other parts of the country, today would have been considered just a bit on the cool side, the longest walk I got in was to my mailbox and back. However, I accomplished a bunch of things I had been putting off for awhile. I accomplished everything on my to do list except for hitting the pavement.

    Thank you so much for being here for me and for your support. I knew the holiday season was going to be difficult, but it's much more difficult than I expected it to be. Add in the news that I'm still waiting for, no matter what the outcome, will be very bittersweet, and I'm hanging on to that seemingly endless tilt a whirl of emotions (thanks Lou!), by a thread. I am determined to keep myself from falling off of it.

    I hope today you had more reasons to smile, then cry...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  15. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    Deb,
    I used to find wadded up kleenex in my grandmas purse, pockets, pillow case and laugh….. I feel like that applies to me now- wads of tear stains around the house.
    You’re one up on me in accomplishments today, but tomorrow. Ugh, another tomorrow *sigh*.
    Do tilt-a-whirls have seatbelts I wonder. If not, we should get on that :)
    ~B
     
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  16. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    I'm so glad you went to Oliver's and enjoyed a really healthy, good meal. This is the first time I've heard you mention pineapple & soda, skipping your usual cranberry & soda. Once again, great minds think alike... One of my favorite sayings is "variety is the spice of life." I love!! Linda's feisty personality, how she referred to things as being beige (way too boring!!!, TU!!!)... She didn't believe in sugar coating anything, what you saw is what you got. I know it got you in trouble sometimes, but I would have loved her!!!, TU!!! I wish I could see Linda do these things right along with you...

    One of the things I loved about Bob was his sense of adventure, always wanting to try new things, explore new places. Need a tissue... I'm way past an over the top train wreck... TU!!! (Just for you, as this is way past it's expiration date. As I said to Karen earlier ,if TU was a slice of bread, I would have broken a tooth trying to bite into it.) Not going any farther with this one tonight. I need to make sure I have enough tissues left to get me through the rest of it.

    I'm still waiting for the news that has Mr. Grief refusing to leave my side. I've been thinking about what you said so much today... I thought about how Linda and Bob will never get to experience anymore of the wonderful things that this world has to offer, all those simple, but the very best things... beautiful sunsets..., the waves crashing into the shore... Stopping here, before I outlast that Energizer Bunny. (Bob wouldn't have let this one get past him.) I agree with what you said. We owe it to Linda and Bob to experience as many of the things in life that make us happy. This is what Linda and Bob wanted for us. I know you have already made Linda so proud and happy... I'm determined to make Bob just as proud and happy as I know you've made Linda. Once again, I can (almost) hear Tom Zuba saying directly to me "choose life." No matter how many times Mr. Grief knocks us down onto that mat, we will get back up and continue fighting. Our name says it all we are TGW!!! Stopping here before I really get going.

    Thank you so much for always being here for me, for all of your support and advice. I hope you're feeling much better after your nap. I hope the rest of your night is a calm, relaxing one. I'm going to put away my chrome book for the night, wrap my super soft bereavement blanket around me, make some herbal tea, and tune out of life for awhile, into some mindless TV.

    Sleep well... Only the best of dreams...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, you don't ALWAYS have to take that
    walkwhen MF (Mourner's Fatigue)
    strikes. I looked back at my drill
    sergeant comments to you this am.I thought you'd feel better if you took a
    long walk, and I teased you about your
    complaining about your temps in the 50s,
    when it hasn't gone above 40 here. Hope
    you don't think I was a pain in the ass,
    or, as you put it, PITA. At 6pm, I fell into
    my bed. I knew that I would sleep at
    least an hour and a half, and I did. My
    naps are more satisfying than my overnight sleeps, which sometimes have
    weird dreams. The dreams aren't usually
    about Linda anymore, but about my
    dealings with people ( some I recognize,
    and some I've never seen before). Stacey
    would be amused that I even have
    celebrity guest stars from news and
    entertainment! Lou
     
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  18. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Bernadine,

    I hope those tilt a whirls don't have seat belts!!!, TU!!! If they do, I think we're all in big trouble...Thanks so much for getting me to smile... I really needed to smile. Sadly I used to take them for granted, but and this is another one of those BIG BUTS!!!, I'll NEVER (I know I should never say never to anything, but this time it's a definite NEVER), take them for granted again. I have a box of tissues in every room. They're now decorative items.

    I have days when my biggest accomplishment is getting up dressed, and making my bed. Grieving is way past emotionally and physically exhausting!!!, TU!!! (I can't seem to break this habit.) I hope tomorrow is a much better day for both of us... I've been saying this a lot lately, the only thing that I know for certain, is that everything is always subject to change.

    I hope you get some quality zzz's tonight. Sleep is another one of those things I'll NEVER take for granted again. Stopping here. I'm way past frazzled. I need to escape from life for awhile...

    Sending lots of extra hugs your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Well, Deb,we did it AGAIN! We were writing at the same time! Thank you for
    quoting me to the other GW. That is high
    praise indeed. For someone who professes
    to have a "foggy widow's brain", Deb, you
    have an amazing memory for detail. For
    us, that's a blessing and a curse. Lou
     
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  20. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    Lou,

    I always seem to be way too hard on myself, always pushing myself, attempting to do more than I'm capable of sometimes. Then I feel guilty, irrational, I know, when I don't do things that I think will help me feel better. I don't think your a PITA!!!, TU!!!

    Okay, now you just made me really laugh!!! when you said that you have dreams that involve celebrity guest stars. You definitely aren't a beige person (thank you Linda!), total understatment!!!

    Now, I'm really putting away my chrome book. WARNING: I'll be back tomorrow, and if I'm in the mood I'm in now, you might get another one of my "books." I can almost hear Bob's voice...

    I hope tonight you're pleasantly surprise and get some quality zzz's.

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
     
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