Stages of Grief: Anger

I have to say I took a second glance when I read Greg the other day. Wondered who that was. Haha.
Robin

 

Gary, I missed the first watch. Let's put a shiner on Mr. Grief just for the day.

 

Robin, glad you didn't give up on GIC, in
spite of your technical difficulties. "total
understatement!!!" as our dear friend,
Deb, would say. It's funny that you
caught my blooper. Karen always gets a
kick out of my whopper typos. I used to
be annoyed & overly sensitive about it,
but, Karen, and others in my life, have
taught me to laugh at myself. Lou

 

Gary,

Thank you. I've sunk so far down into this cold, dark hole, the one that I'm afraid if I sink any deeper into it, I won't be able to find my way out of it. One of the things that helps me is trying to give back to others, what all of you give to me. I haven't been around as much as I usually am because when I'm feeling this down, I have trouble expressing myself. This is so frustrating!!!, TU!!! Putting my feelings into words was so easy before Bob died, that I took it for granted. Now this is another one of those things I'll never take for granted again. TU!!! (Last one for now. This is growing more stale by the minute, but I can't seem to break the habit.) Backing up just a bit, I'm trying to think about how I'm feeling in an optimistic way. I know things will get worse before they get better. So, I'm hoping the way I feel is progress, even if it doesn't seem like it is.

I agree, we need to do more than just function!!! We need to do this not only for ourselves, but for Cheryl, Bob, and for all of the other GW spouses... They want us to find happiness again. I think that the best way we can honor their memories is to find some sort of happiness again, although at this point, I have no idea what that new kind of happiness will look like. I love how you said all of us "will take turns holding down the fort to keep Mr. Grief out." We can and will get through this together!!! WE ARE TGW!!!

I hope you have at least one, but hopefully more than one reason to LMSO today...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hey Guys,

A quick TCB question - Did anyone (or everyone) send out Thank You cards to those who sent cards or gifts or flowers? I'm starting the process. I'm not sure where to draw the line. Are thank you cards expected from the surviving mate? Having to come up with a personal message for each one is a lot for my brain and heart right now, but I've been trying. I was just wondering what everyone in the same situation, thought or did.

Thank you in advance for thoughts, information or advice you would be willing to share. ♥ Stacey

 

Stacey, perhaps you could buy a box of
thank you cards---not blank cards--- so that
the Hallmark message can speak for you,
and you would just have to say the person's
name, and sign your own name. If the
person is really close to you, you could
add more personal words. Anybody who
judges you during your terrible time of
mourning, is not really a friend. If the
person is a relative, he or she should know
better. YOU COME FIRST!! Lou

 

Stacy, I received a lot of sympathy cards, no gifts or flowers. I did not send thank you cards. Good question, Karen

 

Marcey, So sorry for your loss. I'm new here too and I can really relate to your post, especially about being angry. I too keep cycling through all the grief emotions, but anger accompanies them all.

The love of my life died in my arms from hereditary cancer in June. And it could have been prevented had relatives aware of a germline BRCA2 mutation for years before her diagnosis had sat down like wholehearted adults with the information and talked openly and honestly about it.

 

Heartbrokenartist,

I am so sorry for your loss. It makes it even harder to take when it's something that could have been prevented.

From everything I have learned (especially here) so far, everything you (and I) are feeling, is completely normal and even expected. This is a good place of support and it has helped me through some very painful days already.

Thank you for reaching out. I hope the rest of your day is filled with some degree of peace in that at least you have found some people here, that understand what you're going through and can truly empathize with you.

 

Lou, Thank you. That's a very good idea. I have already written out a few, but I'm going to do that for the rest! ( Look for thank you cards with the sentiment already written out ).

Karen, I decided to just write out cards for those who sent gifts and/or flowers. There's just a lot. He was a teacher and a coach for over 30 years in his job (in 2 large high schools), a teacher and music director in our church and has a big family. So there were a LOT of people that came out to support and show their love for him (and for us). I believe the estimated count at the memorial was somewhere between 300-350 people (and several hundred more watched online, I was told - they live-streamed it).
So that is why I'm a tad overwhelmed with this and have been putting it off. But I AM grateful beyond words for the outpouring of love and support and I want to thank everyone. So narrowing the personal thank-you's to those who went above and beyond a card, is what I feel is the least I should do. I think.
My decision making abilities are no bueno right now.

 

Stacey, you have every right to be angry.
I see that your thread was written a
month ago, on Oct. 21, but you were
responding to a post by Heartbroken
Artist. My anger ebbs & flows. When I
see couples walking hand in hand, or worse, kissing & hugging, I get mad, bc
I'll never have that with Linda again. That
is why Jonathan Santlofer's book, The
Widower's Notebook, a memoir, has such
a profound effect on me. He had to grapple
with the fact that his wife of 40 years, Joy,
was not coming back, in a physical form,
EVER. I highly recommended this book to
The Grief Warriors. Given the length of
his martiage, so similar to yours with
Mark, I know you'd derive wisdom &
comfort from Jonathan's book. Lou

 

Thank you Lou.

Yes, seeing couples is killing me. It's awful.

I took your advice a while ago and got The Widower's Notebook (on audio). I have started it but am not very far in. I need frequent and long breaks from it right now.

 

Great, Stacey! So glad you have audio
version. Take your time. I had to put the
book away, at first. bc the beginning of
the book was too close to home, and I was
sobbing. A week later. I started reading,
over coffee. When you get to the end, you
have an honest picture of a 40 year
marriage. It is filled with humor, about
their relationship, but also, his dealings
with people ( both friends & strangers).
I have his book by my bedside, and reread
some of the lighter chapters. Right now,
you sound too busy for even the audio
book. You may want to save it for
another time. Is it Jonathan's voice on
the audio? I've seen him on You Tube,
and he has a pleasant voice, and self
deprecatory humor. Lou

 

Lou,

Yes, Jonathan narrates his book. I also bought one of his other books (Mona Lisa) and he is not the narrator. He has a pleasant voice.
I'm not surprised that you had to stop at first. It's a lot. That's why I haven't made it very far in yet. I'm so glad to know that it was a help and comfort to you.

And you are correct in that I am pretty busy right now (and for the foreseeable future). I have time in the evenings to listen, but after crying all day, I want to watch stupid stuff that makes me forget my pain for a while, not delve into something that will bring all that pain back to the surface. That's why it will probably take me a long time to finish it. But that's okay. What I have heard so far, I liked. I can tell that I will appreciate his book when I'm ready.

 

Stacey,
I sent thank you cards to everyone that sent flowers, or brought food. people who sent cards I didn’t send a thank you. the funeral parlor provided the cards. There was a short saying inside if I remember correctly. I will share that I waited quite a while. And then wrote 2 or 3 a day. Because like you said, it’s hard to wrap your mind around it and think clearly. I tried to mention what they gave and signed from myself and kids, and then added, and Ron ********* extended family. My daughter and son each had things sent for them and they wrote their own. I got stamps with hearts on them.
My main advice is to only do a few each day. Hope this helps you some. There’s no specifics on this, I’ve done things for people and never received a thank you. I don’t hold that against them. I get it. They get a pass. ❤️ Robin

 

Thank you Robin!

That helps me. I didn't even think about the heart stamps. That's a nice idea. And it is definitely taking me a while. But I will get it done.

Thank you again. ♥

 

Thanks Lou,
I won’t give up on this site, it’s part of my life. But it certainly has gotten difficult. Sometimes I get emails but most the time I don’t. Same with the alerts, sometimes I don’t get any and then I search and see many posts I should have gotten notices for. But I’ve been on here too long to walk away. I have people Ive. Even close with from 2 years ago and of coarse TGW. Today I didn’t feel like a GW. I had to make yet another visit to the grocery store for Thanksgiving supplies. I made a huge mistake in my car. I put my XM radio on, which I rarely listen to any more. Anyway, I put 70’s music on. What was I thinking? We met in the 70’s, dated, got engaged and married in the 70’s. Every song brought more tears. Got to the store and then sat and cried. I’ve gotten some better with music but 70’s music, was a foolish choice.
Your typo with Greg or any others are just that. Typo that sometimes bring a chuckle. Glad you’ve come a long way and can laugh at yourself. Robin

 

You’re welcome!
Take your time! This is so hard to do. People understand. And if they don’t thats on them.
Robin

 

Stacey I did not send out any thank you cards. I think we have a 24 hour a day job taking care of ourselves without the hype. Myself Being a people pleaser I had to reconsider my previous behaviors. We have to treat ourselves like somebody we deeply love and are deeply concerned about. How can I possibly be there for other people when I can’t be there for myself? Be very gentle and patient with yourself. Consider this command “Satan in the name of Jesus Christ I command you to leave!” This is a powerful prayer and speak it verbally do not think it. Sometimes I’ve had to repeatedly say it over and over and over until I fell asleep. Also when you’re sitting try to keep your feet flat on the ground. This will keep you grounded. Negative energy can not attach itself as easily. Lou I listened to “it was a very good year” and “a man alone” yesterday. Since I’ve been divorced twice and have been in four long-term relationships I like “it was a very good year” the best. Yes I like the Animals and CCR. Yesterday I listened to dreamboat Annie and dog and butterfly by heart and face in a crowd by Leon Russell CDs. The right kind of music is peaceful and stimulating the wrong kind would affect me like it did Robin. I like old country and western hank Williams Senior Charley Pride Merle Haggard and Bobby Bare. I also like native flute and drum music with nature sounds. I like listening to CDs because I can control what I’m listening to without hearing some painful songs or some insane advertisements. I came to grief yesterday after turning down an invitation to a Thanksgiving dinner. I want to stay connected with our tribe over the next couple of days. Thanks. Gary

 

Stacey, you are very wise to watch fun,
"mindless" TV series ( reality TV, etc.),
like our good friend, Deb, does. Jonathan
can wait. I'm so glad he is narrating his
memoir. I'm also happy that he went on
to write another international mystery.
When I read his memoir, I emailed him to
thank him for his amazing book, and told
him how similar my horror over Linda's
sudden death in front of me, was to his
horror over Joy's sudden death in front of
him. I told him he was like a brother I
never had.Jonathan astonished me by his
warm email to me 2 days later. He gave
me words of compassion and wisdom. He also moved me to tears, when he said he'd
be "proud" to be my brother. I'm on his
email list, so I knew about his book tour
for his new book. I emailed him again,
recently, to tell him I was happy to see him
on You Tube, and to tell him I had
recommended his book to my friends on
GIC. He wrote back to me AGAIN, which
surprised me. given his busy schedule.
Stacey, when you're finally done with his
audio book, you may be interested in
writing to him, too. His email address is:
jonathan. santlofer@gmail.com. Lou