Spouse. Caregiver. Widow. What now?

Discussion in 'Life After Caregiving' started by Penster, Nov 7, 2019.

  1. Penster

    Penster Guest

    I lost my first husband to cancer in 2009. I met someone special in 2010 but lost him to cancer in 2017.

    I’ve been a partner, wife, caregiver & a widow. I know I’ll never be the same again and some of that is sad but some of that is also good.

    My concern is who I will be when I decide it’s ok to go back out into the world...if I ever do.
    It’s a struggle between acceptance that I’ve already had the best & there’s nothing out there for me ... and trying to go on & maybe have one more “best friend” before I depart this life.

    How do you know which way to go?
    Indy Widow, 1guy, cjpines and 4 others like this.
  2. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    I have always been a believer of making plans and guiding your own destiny. Since my loss I am allowing some of life to happen. I am just too worn out to make it happen my way. You need to listen to your body and soul. You will guide yourself into being who you are. You are defined by your life experiences, and yours have been mostly loving, so continue that path. You will not be able to live without caring...about something or someone. You will make all the right choices. Don't over think it.
  3. linda weiner

    linda weiner New Member

    i lost my husband in april after 25 years of marriage. it was a second marriage for both of us and a true love affair. he had multiple sclerosis but was doing very well for quite awhile. the disease began to progress and for the last 8 years he was bedridden. his mind was clear and i was his total caregiver...it was a labor of love. in the end he contracted pnemonia and his body was too weak to fight it off. he passed away at home in my arms. i am 75 years old and totally along without him. the days and nights are long and lonely and the passage of time does not seem to make it more palatable. i miss him terribly and don't know what to do to get through each day. what will become of me?
    czielinsky and TinyMamalava like this.
  4. Penster

    Penster Guest

    I lost my last “best friend” at home also. I try to find comfort in the fact that “ I was there for him “. You showed up. You did your job. Now we have to take care of ourselves.
    czielinsky and TinyMamalava like this.
  5. GrammyJoyce

    GrammyJoyce New Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to lung cancer in July. We had been together 20 years, second marriage for both of us. I am 70 years old. I was his caregiver until he went into hospice and it was very hard. I loved him dearly so I am thankful that I could help him. But now I find that I still need to be caring so I will be volunteering at our local food bank. Maybe some volunteer work in your neighborhood will keep the loneliness at Bay? Also, do you know about GriefShare?
  6. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I lost my husband to a complication of lung cancer treatment in July. I feel lost without him and the days and weekends seem so long. His death was unexpected and I lost him within 12 weeks. It was like trying to hold water in my hands. I cared for him in every way possible. Loved him so deeply. I am grateful as well that I could help him through his illness, it was hard to see him suffer and be scared. He did not want to die, but he was so brave throughout everything. I would take care of him for another hundred years if I could. I am trying to find things to do that have meaning and that also honor his life. I belong to GriefShare and also have a grief counselor, and that all helps. The hardest thing I have ever had to do. Praying for all of our peace.
    Returning joy and czielinsky like this.
  7. TinyMamalava

    TinyMamalava New Member

    So sorry I loss my husband to Glioblastoma brain cancer stage 4 he was diagnosed December 6 2018 lived until August 16 2020 at 5:20 AM Sunday . He had a major stroke April 3 2019 then 3 mini stroke September 5 or 12 2019 could not talk walk or anything after April 3 ,2019 he was 44 The last 3 mo was the worst. I miss him dearly. He was funny kind and giving had a great smile.
    czielinsky and JMD like this.
  8. Punkinpie

    Punkinpie New Member

    Hi. I'm new here. I lost my husband of 40 years one month ago. I am so devastated. He was the love of my life. Diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in dec '18. He put up a good fight but eventually his body couldn't take it anymore. I was his caregiver for the last 6 months. And he died in my arms April 1si. He wanted to die at home so i made sure to honor his wishes. Thank goodness our daughter was with us the last month. I feel so empty inside. I've gone back to work due to my financial situation but i am just going through the motion. I come home from work and cry most of the night. I miss him so much. I just dont kniw how to deal with the pain
    Countess Joy likes this.
  9. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know the pain of losing your love to lung cancer. My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you loved each other dearly and that you did everything possible to honor his wishes. Your loving actions will help you heal. All of us have an experience that is a little bit different, but we are all struggling to come to terms with losing someone who meant the world to us. It is a very difficult path at times You will find a lot of help and understanding here. Take care of yourself - eat, get rest, drink water, be near people who make you feel better. I will keep you and my family in my prayers.
  10. renakolk

    renakolk New Member

  11. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    So sorry, us that lost our husband or wife understand. My husband gave me nickname of "Punkin" he went to Heaven
    11-7-2016 our 65th wedding anniversary was in May, after his long battle of Parkinsons. The last nine years (after 24 years of PD) I totally took care of him.He passed in my arms at home. I haven't found it easier, have cried every day, missing him, My last words to him was that he will always be in my heart and I in his, that we will never be apart. I thank God every day blessing me through all the years in taking care of my husband. He would ask me in whispers (due to PD) "Are you ok" many times in my mind I hear him asking me, and I tell him like I did before, yes, I'm ok. He was a gift to me from God, I am so grateful.
    I have fully learnt why God gave us tears. Lifting you and all others in prayer.
    JMD likes this.
  12. Returning joy

    Returning joy Member

    JMD likes this.
  13. Returning joy

    Returning joy Member

    Lost my husband of 48 years on May 2nd to stage 4 lung cancer..so very hard..take one day at a time, one emotion at a time..praying you know the Lord..He will comfort in those very hard moments, days of grief..I hope working helps you..This is so very new for both of us. I read to “lean into” the grief..allow your sorrow to be expressed, cry when you need to..be very kind to yourself..very tough journey..walking, praying with you..
    TCM classic fan and JMD like this.
  14. TCM classic fan

    TCM classic fan New Member

    I know how you feel. I cry everyday over the loss of my husband. He was my rock, no matter what we did. It didn’t matter. As long as we were together.
    Sapphire449 likes this.
  15. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    TCM, Lifting you in prayer and all others here. Miss my husband more every day, I too still cry daily, we were everything to each other, in God's timeing we will be reunited in Heaven.
  16. Sapphire449

    Sapphire449 New Member

    Relate to everyone here. I also lost my husband and was his caretaker with hospice and am crying everyday and struggling. Doing one day at a time, one hour, one minute etc., Hugs to you all. ❤️
  17. JMD

    JMD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for these posts. I miss my husband every minute of every day. All at the same time it seems like he was here yesterday and gone for a million years. What I wouldn’t give for mor time with him. He made everything all better. Navigating one day at a time. Love and peace to all on this journey.
    Patti 61 and Sapphire449 like this.
  18. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

  19. Husband43

    Husband43 New Member

  20. Husband43

    Husband43 New Member

    I too lost the love of my life on March 2, 2015 after 43 years of marriage. She died of pancreatic cancer and I was her care giver and I learned so much during those ten months of going to Arizona where we entered an experimental program at Cancer Treatment Center of America. Those people were a blessing. But most of all I grew closer to our Lord and it was only with his carrying me across that awful span of time that I survived. But the pain and grief has never stopped and even now I have days were I just can't stop from crying. I suppose when God gives you the best spouse for you, when they die it is hard to move on.
    Patti 67 likes this.