Bill,
I am sorry for your loss. Hospice was simply amazing as well for my wife. I understand how getting up to face each day as the love of your life is slowly slipping away is an awful thing to endure.
Each day I rode to hospice with my two sons I am sure my frame of mind was erratic at times. The doctors and nurses at hospice were very caring and made my wife Nadine as comfortable as humanly possible.
We were married for 42 years and our 47th anniversary would have been on the 15th of this month. I have found that my grief comes in stages. There are time of mindful rest and then an event or an object seen or a person’s words can all of the sudden rush memories suppressed but not forgotten, back in full force.
Bill, I am sure Janet meant the world to you as did my Nadine to me. She also had cancer, just not the same type. I think what bothered me the most about my wife is how long she had been sick off and one (over 10 years), and for the first four years they hadn’t found cancer yet, but she always seemed to have something new appear over time.
The worst part of cancer is how helpless you are. So far our medical experts are still delving for answers to cancer. People's hopes are met with a parade of ups and downs. Words while nice really don’t mean much other than to say how they too are at a loss on how to help her beat cancer.
When you sit beside your spouse in a doctor’s office and they deliver the news that cancer is now in the untreatable stage,
TIME stops, your heart gives way to aches, and your mind races with hopelessness. Sure you cry with your wife as you hug each other, but how do you really comfort someone who now knows their outlook has no more future.
Bill I feel really bad for you, I know life is awful right now. I won’t kid you, no amount of counselling can prepare you for the future. No books, no movies and no family members. What you now have is stone cold grief. You have lost the one who you loved with all your heart and soul. Those special talks, those tender moments, and your walk through life with Janet with so many memories.
I hope you will see many happier days in the future. I also hope you find peace of mind. Bill I have turned to music now for helping me work through my emotions. I have also viewed many wedding proposal videos done impromptu on the internet (for some reason watching them made me feel happier). I also posted two separate threads
https://www.griefincommon.com/threads/the-good-in-our-world.1324/ and
https://www.griefincommon.com/threads/the-good-in-our-world-part-2.1415/ I did this for one reason only, to help us see the Good In People. It also includes many videos, some with words as they are sung and some with just pictures. Even though I haven't continued both threads, I still do watch videos daily and listen to music endlessly at times.
But the one thing I want to stress to you Bill is don’t give up. Don’t ever give in to despair and never ever stop loving what you once had with Janet. Life can be so amazing. There is still much to do even at our older age. Just remember Bill, you are not alone. I am here along with others to offer you words of encouragement and our memories as well. May peace caress your mind and love never leave you soul.
David
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