Son was Stillborn at 33weeks.

On September 12th I went into labor at 33 weeks. Going to the hospital was excited to meet my handsome son Zaythen. Never in a million years did I expect to hear the words " I'm sorry but there's no heartbeat, he has passed. " My world came crashing down around me. The flood of emotions hit me like a ton of bricks . As all the nurses are prepping the delivery room , I lay there silently crying think how I was ever going to give birth to to my son knowing he wouldn't be taking his first breath. The nurses try to talk me thru the process and tell me what to expect. My mind's rambled and I can hardly understand . When the time came to push we all prepared for what comes next. My son had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice. That's what caused him to pass. When they handed me my little angel , i put him to my chest and told him I loved him. I held I'm tight in my arms . The emotions that I experienced are one I never knew existed . He was perfect . I couldn't stop looking at his little face and seeing so much of myself in him. As I sit here 4 days later I still haven't packed his stuff up. Everythings still in the same place. I can't seem to put it away. His swing, bouncer, bassinet, and stuffed animals are still in my room where I placed them waiting his arrival. I have no idea what to do next. When does the crying get better and the pain in my chest ease up?

 

Hi Chellmarrie,

I know exactly how you feel. It wasn’t recent but still feels fresh like it was yesterday, I lost a son too. His name was supposed to be Jacob Jesus Lopez. But at the time they asked me what I wanted to name him and i could not talk. I had a Trach due to my lungs collapsing so I could not talk. But he ended up being named Alejandro Jesus Lopez. I did not talk about him nor let anyone talk to me about him, it was too painful. When I came home there was nothing there to even remind me of him. My mom got rid of everything before I got home from the hospital with out my permission and gave everything She could not return to my neighbor who had, had a baby boy as well. That just made everything harder and made me feel so selfish, Because I was angry And hurt every time I seen her. I wanted to take everything back but her baby needed them as much as I did. I say you keep his stuff around as long as you want until you are healed and are ready to put them away. I wish I could have grieved and kept my sons things and done as I see fit with them when I was ready. He passed in 2009, and I am still aching and grieving silently. this is my first step to finding a grieving group, I think I am finally ready. As for the pain and crying, it doesn’t go away it just get easier to carry. I suggest talking about it and finding a support group or talking to a therapist. I never did and I wish I would have, I would have a lot less pain and crying in my life since then.

Chynna

 

I am so sorry for your losses. I just recently (Nov 2019) lost my daughter at 35 weeks. I am devastated and don’t know how to cope. This is so unfair and I can’t believe this has happened. This is the worst thing a woman can experience. I am feeling so despondent, sad, and guilty. I cry all the time And my heart feels physically in pain. I am horrified and traumatized.

 

I totally understand. I'm so sorry for your loss. I keep telling myself that our babys are the most pure. They never had to experience the pain heartache or disappointment of the world. Our babys will never felt pain and for that I'm grateful. Things happen for a reason and one day we will find a way to make peace within ourselfs. It's been 3 1/2 months and I still can't bare the thought of going back to that day. I have this black hole in my heart and it's filled with anger. I wish I could tell you when it gets better bc I'm still trying to figure out that myself. But I want you to know that you are a strong and brave woman. The best advice i can give you is to take it one day at a time. That's all I can do . This pain we feel is all temporary . It will get better. Stay strong sister !

 

Thank you. I just don’t see any pathway forward. I am so sad all the time. I cry nonstop. I feel like I am going crazy. How could this happen? The cause is unknown as of now. The doctors tell me it’s not my fault. But I feel so so so responsible.

 

I appreciate your words. This is the most unfathomable loss. I would never have imagined. It’s just so horrible and horrifying and now I feel like anything can happen at any time. How can life possibly go on without my daughter? Everyone says we’ll have to find a new normal. I don’t want to! This is so unfair! How can life be so cruel? I was just at my baby shower 2 weeks before this happened - I was happier than I had ever been in my entire life. Not a care in the world. My life now vs. my life then... what a mindfuck. I am so traumatized. I just don’t feel that time will heal this particular wound... I hope you’re hanging in there too. This sucks.

 

I’m so sorry you had to experience what you have. I lost my baby girl whom I had Hopes and prayed for for years unexpectedly at 26 or 27 weeks (not actually sure) and it was the most traumatic experience I have ever had and I swear it just gets worse and worse. I can barely make it through e days now that my mom left. I just don’t understand how ppl are so careless and not compassionate or understanding. When Hope was born they couldn’t tell me why or what happened and they did t have much Hope for Hopes survival