So Tired...

BroGeo, I agree with Summer ( Robin)
about your latest offering. So cheerfully
representative of the warmer, sunnier
spring & summer ahead, when I hope you& all TGW will be happier. Lou Travolta

 

Brohemian Rhapsody Geo, I am blown away by your art. Especially the one that Robin referred to as a polar vortex or low pressure weather system. In fact while I was doing a Kalpavriksha meditation I imagined a stained glass window of that drawing. It became a portal to my beloved friend Cheryl in the afterlife. I had to look an old phone number up from my old phone last night. I keep my old phone with my beloved Cheerful Cheryl’s phone. I’ve never looked at the photos on Cheryl’s phone till last night. I was afraid to look at first but it is filled with beautiful photos of wildflowers we looked at together of places we hiked. As I progressed to the date when Cheryl transitioned I became more afraid of grieving but I decided to celebrate Cheryl’s life instead of grieving. Afterwards I got Cheryl’s look a like figurine and we watched I wanna be your lover by Prince in the dark. It was so healing and I felt very near Cheryl. See what the power of your art can do me BroGeo? Gary

 

I have them too. I’m using a bait called Top Kat now. I don’t like using poison but there is no other way. This bait seems to spoil before it is totally consumed and has to be changed from the bait box. The white footed mouse scares me the most because it carries the deer tick which causes lyme disease. I posted a photo of a mouse that didn’t party responsibly. I think we could use a little humor sometimes. Garbear

 

Gary, just woke up for the day and reread
your post to BroLombardo Da Vinci, and
realized I missedyour "Brohemian
Rhapsody " and I laughed. It reminded me
of the Wayne's World movie. George is a
master of art, and you & I , and other
Grief Warriors , believe in the power of
words, to express our emotions. BroLou

 

EEEEK! I honestly think they are adorably cute, but goodness gracious! They were building a NEST IN MY CAR! For goodness sake, I can’t completely describe the fear I have of driving along the freeway and suddenly realizing that there is a mouse running up my leg. Oh! Dear God help me! NOW!!!

 

Given your terrible loses and your health issues, I am so impressed that you are making attempts to rejoin the world. Even if the Art Leage failed, you should be proud that you gave it a try. You are an inspiration to me. Please know that you matter to people here

 

I appreciate your kind words! All I can do is keep trying!

 

beautiful

 

Sorry to hear you were having issues Lou. Hope all is better. I have been sick with a cold here lately and it definitely lowers my mood and spirits. Getting out and doing something physical is my mental go to. That also makes me feel for George who can't go out too much with with his situation too. I am in the middle of my second year without Lizzy. Like George I accept shes gone, but like we all probably do, I wish like hell that she wasn't. I wish for her to be here with me happy and healthy, making tea, fussing over how to redecorate our house since the current nick nacks and decrations have been there for almost a year (not sure how she would feel seeing the house now as I haven't change anything since he passed) Playing with Fergie, Going to see her parents. She really did a lot for me, some stuff I didn't even realize. I am pretty uncomfortable in social situations, painfully shy (its quite annoying), but, she would do countless little things that I didn't even realize she was doing. Like getting me a place to sit as soon as we arrived, arranging for someone who I was comforatable with to come and chat with me, making sure I knew where she was...etc. I thought I would have it all figured out by now. Its been over a year, I should have no more burning questions and more or less be healed in a way. Wouldn't be perfect, but it also wouldn't feel anything like it did at the beginning. But it does, sometimes only for a short while, other times for weeks or months. I hope and pray everyone is doing okay and can find some peace.

-Chad

 

Wow, Chad, it's been so long since you last
posted, that I thought you'd moved on. I
greeted a new member, Daisy, from N.Y.,
and talked about my 2 brothers, Gary and
George. I'm so sorry I forgot you! When
I read that you felt bad that I had some
issues, I had to reread my post to see what
my issues were. My attitude has been
more positive since then. I had an
ultrasound. Though uncomfortable, it was
quick, and not painful. I talked with the
kind technician right after it. I told her I
remembered her from other ultrasounds.
After my original doctor visit, I went to a
local cafe on a Friday night to hear a band.
A female friend on the dance floor , called
out to me to join her. I was reluctant, bc it
had been a long time since I danced, but I
put Linda's cane in a safe place and danced
with my friend. She told me not to close my
eyes ( and lose my balance), or look at my
feet, or at other people to see how they
were dancing.,With fast dancing, everyone
is doing it differently---- as in grief. Her
advice worked. After this dance, she and
her 2 friends invited me and my 2 friends
to more dancing in clubs in the larger,
nearby city. I lost myself in the music,
and stayed out past midnight, as opposed to being in bed by 10. The dancing was
liberating and joyful. I asked other women
to dance, or simply spontaneously joined
them. The next morning, I realized I did
all this sober.I was proud of myself, bc in
the past, before I met Linda, I thought I
needed to drink a few beers before asking
a woman to dance.I noticed that I wasn't
crying in the morning, bc I was planning
my next dancing night.I've danced as if
it's my last dance on earth, and just
savored the moment, and it wotks. Even
though I have to see a specialist next
month, I've been told that, with proper
diet and exercise, I can avoid dialysis,
unlike George who unfortunately has no
choice. Dancing with different women,
not just one"girlfriend" has given me
confidence and the ability to get out of my
shell ( which was worse in the winter),
and talk with new people, some tourists.
Like Robin, who I nicknamed Summer,
I'm looking forward to my favorite season,
summer, by the ocean on the Massachusetts coast. Being in Texas,
summer may not be your favorite season.
Last time we talked , you said you were
going to try to stop drinking. As your older
brother, I'm curious if you were able to
stop. Because of my dancing, I've jokingly
referred to myself as Lou Travolta, much
to the amusement of Gary, George, DEB
( who just got discharged from a hospital),
Karen ("Ms. Hum"), Robin ( "Summer"),
Rose, of Italy, and others. Hope to hear from you soon, Chad. Lou Travolta

 

Wow! that's deep. It really describes my feelings. It's a re-read over and over.

 

Bernadine, I missed your sayings and
photos, but I know you were on a tour of
Griefland. It is good to see you on here,
with your powerful essay, which goes
beyond the Center for Loss quotations, you
had posted
for the benefit of those Grief Warriors, like
Robin, who are unable to receive them. The last sentences of your post brought
tears to my eyes, bc that's what I say
sometimes to Linda, when I'm either
about to take a nap, or emerging from one.
Up until recently, I was crying about
Linda no longer being physically beside
me. As you can see from my previous
posts, that has changed, bc I'm now
going out with my friends, to dance with
our 3 female dance partners. Instead of
crying, I plan my next night out. I bring
Linda's cane, point to it among friends,
but put it in a safe place. Having been
with Kenn, a musician, you know how
wonderful music, and dancing, is.
Lou Travolta

 

Bernadine,

So very beautiful... so very bittersweet... I was teary eyed while reading this. I hope you don't mind me saving it, reading it whenever I need to be reminded that I'm NEVER!!! alone. Bob will always be a part of me.... Just as Kenn will always be a part of you... No one, not anything, can ever take this away from us!!!, TUTTAM!!!

I've missed you, been MIA for a long time. I have lots of catching up to do, but hope that today is a good day for you and Maggie, as good a day as it possibly can be, in this totally f*cked up, bittersweet world, we live in.

As always, sending you and Maggie, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

La DEB, noticed that since your operation,
you've added f*cked up , to your
usual bittersweet world. I've felt the same
way over different medical scares as I age.
There was a time after Linda died, that I
didn't care if I lived or died, but I feel
differently now. I want to live, and to
live as joyously and gratefully to God
as I can. Not as Lonesome Louster

 

Chad,

It's been almost two years since Bob passed away. Time seems to have stood still, and moved forward, all at once. Like you, physical activity, being outside, in Nature is one of the best things I can do for myself emotionally. It helps me to be the very best version of myself I can be, each day. I have days when I miss Bob so very much, the floodgates open, and I can't stop crying... It makes me feel like I've regressed right back to that first way beyond miserable day, TUTTAM!!!, when I was suddenly forced, to live the rest of my life, without him (physically) with me. It SUCKS!!! BIG!!! TIME!!!

The one thing that's changed for me since Bob's death, is now when I feel like I've regressed back to that first over the top heartbreaking day, when my world was shattered into zillions of little pieces, after I let myself cry, I'm able to pick myself up, brush myself off, and find a way to make the very best of the remaining part of the day. I kick the F*CK!!! out of Mr. G. as many times as necessary, until he's finally knocked out cold.

I have no idea exactly when this change occurred, but I do know it happened because of what I learned from Bob, as he was slowly dying, a little bit more with each passing day... I think of how positive Bob was, starting every day the same way, no matter how much pain he was in. I would ask him how he was feeling, and his answer was always the same, "It's a good day as long as I'm on the right side of the dirt." Bob truly taught me that life is a gift, to be cherished, never knowing how many more days, hours, minutes, we have left on earth.

When it's finally my time to be reunited with Bob, I don't want to have any regrets. I want the rest of my life to have meaning, I don't want to waste precious time, paralyzed by grief. I know being paralyzed by grief isn't something that we can control, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I will fight this as hard as I possibly can, whenever it happens. I want to feel that in some small way, I've done something to make this world a little bit better place. I want the rest of my life to have purpose, meaning, and I will do everything I can to find happiness, although so very bittersweet!!!, TUTTAM!!!, along the way. I have to do this!!! I want more than anything else, for Bob to be proud of who I'm slowly morphing into, now that he can't be with me (physically).

There is so much more I want to say, but stopping here. I want to try catch up on everything I missed since being MIA, or at least read as many threads as I can this morning.

I hope you're over your cold, feeling much better. I hope today is a good one for you, as good as it possibly can be in this totally f*cked up, bittersweet, crazy world, we've been thrown into.

As always, hugs and love to you and Fergie, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Louster,

After being discharged from the hospital, having had sepsis, pancreatitis caused by a gallstone blockage, my gallbladder removed, and a kidney stone, I've been looking at the world from a slightly different angle. I added f*cked up because bittersweet world without the addition of f*cked up, doesn't fully express how I feel. It was a surreal experience with my health insurance calling the shots instead of my doctors. I was discharged too soon, the discharge summary said that I was in fair condition. My blood pressure was way too l0w, so I was pumped full of fluids, way more than I should have been given. It caused me to gain lots of water weight, leaving me short of breath, and exhausted.

As much as I wanted to go home, I didn't feel well enough to leave, and couldn't understand how they could send me home so full of fluid, 26 lbs of extra fluid to be exact!!! When I got home, and got my mail, the answer became clear. There were two letters waiting for me in my mailbox from my insurance carrier. The first one approved my inpatient stay from March 15th through March 20th. The second one approved my inpatient stay from March 15th through March 23rd. My very close friend from "home," who is a nurse, said the hospital probably didn't receive that second letter from the insurance carrier until after I was discharged. All I could think of was what a f*cked up world it is, when insurance companies, instead of doctors, determine the length of hospital stays, what tests can be done, etc, etc, etc... I then took it a step further, adding f*cked up to my usual bittersweet world, because there are so many other instances in this over the top bittersweet world, that are just as f*cked up, TUTTAM!!!, as insurance companies making medical decisions for patients, instead of medical professionals calling the shots.

The good news is I've lost all 26 lbs of that extra fluid, and am feeling so much better, TUTTAM!!! I'm still tired and feel a little weak, so will continue to take it easy, until the surgeon tells me, it's okay to go back to living my life, the way I want to live it.

In the short time I've known you, although it seems much longer, but only in the very best of ways, TUTTAM!!!, you've morphed from Lonesome Louster, into the UPM/the Godfather of TGW/Lou Travolta. You've morphed into the very best version of yourself, finally being able to enjoy life to the fullest, in spite of never knowing when Mr G. is going to surprise you, with one of his way too many, most unwelcome visits, TUTTAM!!! I've learned so much from you, and hope to follow in your footsteps.

I smile BIG!!! TIME!!! whenever I think of you, dancing away the night with your friends, enjoying life to the absolute max... I know Linda is so very proud of you, smiling down at you, from wherever she is...

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE. DEB & Skye

 

George,

I love all of your art, but these are by far, my very favorite yet!!!, TUTTAM!!! As always, thank you so much for brightening a very miserable, cloudy, rainy day...

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE. DEB & Skye

 

George,

Love these!!! Numbers 2 & 4 are my favorites... Thanks again for making an over the top miserable day, a little brighter.

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace, all the way from TUTTAMVILLE. DEB & Skye

 

Debarino, you honored me and also made
me laugh when you said I "morphed" from
being Lonesome Louster into the UPM/
The Godfather of TGW/ Lou Travolta! I'm
amazed at myself. When I met Linda, she
was more of an extrovert, which is one of
the things I liked about her,besides her
beautiful eyes, smile, and laugh. Oh, no,
pardon me while I kick Mr.Grief in the
ass. As I've said on GIC, as Linda became more sedentary and weak, she had "the
talk" with me, bc I think she had a
premonition of her death. She told me
she had a sixth sense. She was also more
perceptive about people we met. Linda
made me promise to be healthy, try to
be happy, and even find another woman,
if anything happened to her. I'm working
on the first two promises. But as far as the
3rd, I'm content to live alone, and have
the freedom to come & go. Instead of
having a relationship with ONE woman,
I have a dancing partnership with THREE.
We greet each other with hugs, which are
so needed, both for me , and the 3 divorced
women I know. As for your recovery,
Debster, as Gary would say, keep on
trucking........Lou, The Godfather, Travolta