So Tired...

Karen, I recall saying on here that I’m feeling different, so I totally understand. There could be some denial, I feel like I know Ron’s not coming home. But that’s what I desperately need, him to come home. If I stay busy I feel better but in my mind I’m thinking am I just putting things on hold and not feeling the feelings. I look at Ron’s picture and think how did this happen. I think how is the healthiest person I know gone. You’re explaining it just fine. Everything is foreign to us, at least we keep trying. Nothing prepares us for these feelings. Summer.

 

I've been thinking about what you've all been saying and I agree about our grief feeling "different", as time passes. I have days when I just want to run around in our fields and scream and scream and scream. The slightest thing may trigger tears, even just a particular scene of a tv series I may be watching, or something I've cooked, which my C would have loved. I still avoid cooking most stuff, it's just so unbearable without him.
The rosemary shrub he planted near our house is growing so well and I walk pass it every day asking:"Why aren't you here to see it?"
I often wish I could put my hands out and stop time, I hate the fact that this world is going on without him, so unfair. I don't want him to be considered as someone from the past, for me he isn't, he will always be in the present for me. He has had such an important role in our lives, he made it all happen, so will always be part of our lives, part of us. I can definitely see how we manage to go on with his guidance, his wisdom and knowledge.
This morning, my daughter and I are venturing out in the cold North winds, to get new tyres put on her car. Something my C would have taken care of.

Hug to you all.
Rose

 

La Rose, just woke up in the middle of the
night, and was very moved to read your
message about C. being a vital part of your
life---in the PRESENT, as well as in the past.
I feel the same way about Linda, when I
walk with her cane, point to it, and share
stories about her with friends and
strangers alike, The Godfather

 

Rose, woke up around 6:30am, my usual
time , to start the day. GIC conversations
can trigger emotions from the world of
dreams. A wave of sadness engulfed me
just now, and I'm grateful I can share it
with you and the group. I had a vivid
dream that Linda and I were standing next
to each other, and I was holding her cane,
telling her how much it meant to me. She
was wearing her usual outfit , a colorful
short sleeved top and black Capri pants.
I'm crying as I write this, bc after she
died , over 4 years ago, the funeral
director had asked me to pick out her
favorite clothes, so that when she was
cremated, she would be treated with
dignity. I was also asked to enclose a
personal note to her, and 2 of our
photos----for eternity. I did all 3 , without
hesitation. In the dream, I hugged her, on
impulse , tightly. I woke up crying, saying
over and over again, "I miss you, Linda.
I miss you so much.......".I got out of bed,
relieved it was time to wake up, and not
still the middle of the night. As Karen
would say, I guess I needed to let Mr.
Grief visit with me, before I start a
weekend filled with dancing with my
buddies and women friends before
live bands. Lonely Lou Travolta , at home.....

 

Lou, I have tears in my eyes reading your post,thank you for sharing your beautiful dream of Linda. I understand about thinking about the last clothes we saw our soulmates wearing. I was in complete shock at the time, not really understanding what the funeral director was saying. I remember I actually nearly threw him out of the room when I first saw him. My FIL had made the arrangements, I just wasn't 'functioning', I was in a total daze, total confusion. When I saw this stranger entering the room, I started shouting that I didn't want to see anyone, waving my hand in the air to say 'go away'. My FIL told me who he was, so I calmed down.
Just before they took my C away, I suddenly told them to stop for a moment, I ran to our music room and came back with some music sheets we had been working on together, and I placed them beside him, to be taken away with him. They included one of our favourites: Bach's Prelude from Cello Suite n. 1. I'll never be able to play that one again.

By the way, Lou, do you actually dance to Travolta-style 70s disco music?
Rose.

 

Well, Rose, now you have me crying with
your story. As I've said to you before, your
words are so descriptive, that it seems
like I'm watching a powerful movie. I
understand why you can't listen to that
particular Bach piece. I felt the same way
about the song, Respect, sung by Aretha
Franklin, bc Linda & I heard that when we
met. But, recently, with all my dancing ,
I decided to hear it again, and include it
on my playlist, and I'm glad I did. You
may recall that after Linda died ,it took me
a long time to hear ANY song without
weeping. On a lighter note, I can dance to
anything ( I prefer the music of the late 60s, & early 70s). Tonight, and Sat night,
my friends, both male & female, will be
dancing to blues bands. Tomorrow
night, we'll be celebrating St. Patrick's
Day with an Irish band. I've become
lost in the joy of dancing in front of live
bands. Dancing Godfather

 

Rose, I hate that you and others know the feeling of “different” or anything we’re going through. I don’t want others to understand it so well. But at the same time it brings some peace, knowing there’s others who understand. All the things you mention, tv, cooking, music, they’re all triggers for me too. I’m trying extra hard to cook because I know I’m not eating like I should. It’s hard I won’t lie. Easier if my daughter is coming over. We’re dropping her car at the mechanic tonight and I’ve invited her for dinner. Like you taking your daughters car for tires, setting the mechanic up was something Ron did. Thankfully we did business with this man and I know him and he treats us well and I know he’s honest. I wish we could stop time too. Seeing couples happily living and enjoying everyday things is a huge trigger. And if by some miracle someone asks how I am, the tears flow. It’s nice to have someone care. For me, my home is my safe place, comes from years of creating this home together. People tell me they feel Ron’s presence in the house. That’s nice to hear.
Making the funeral arrangements, my SIL called and set up the appointment. We all went for the appointment. I needed as much support as I could get. And now I’m crying remembering sitting there and making the arrangements. I remember the last clothes Ron was wearing as he left in the ambulance. I don’t have them because they cut them off of him. But I know and remember well. And how he yelled to me, “I love you Robin” so many times. A special and sad gift he gave me. We each also added notes and pictures to be with him. And I kept my promise to Ron and didn’t put him in a suit. He wore jeans and a nice button down shirt. And his belt was 2 sided and they put it on the wrong way I had to ask them to turn it around. As with each of us, it’s all so vivid. So very clear. Ron and I made such a wonderful life together. He will always and forever be a part of my life and what makes me get up each day. He’s honored and loved every day. Your story of getting the sheets of music, made me cry. But such a wonderful touch. I understand how you can’t play that again. Good luck today getting the tires on your daughters car. More hugs to all. Robin

 

There's no right way to grieve I think...

 

Your few words says it all George.

 

These stories remind me that our journeys are all unique and incredibly valuable. Steve would want me to elevate everyone on the anniversary of his death. I want everyone to remember that life is brief, precious and unique. Hug someone you love. Treasure each moment. Be the best person you can be, and give yourself tons of grace. I am sure I’m missing something here. But I want to spread love, love, love!

 

And I am so sorry for lacking eloquence in all of these moments!

 

Like we always say to each other here Deb, there is never, ever any need to apologize for anything you may say or how you may say it. Actually, you express yourself very well. Every single word you say is precious and meaningful and comes straight from your heart and reaches our hearts. This is our comfort place, where everyone empathises and relates, making us feel there is still a meaning in life, after losing our soulmates, our other halves. We comunicate in our own special language, talking in a way that others who are not in our situation cannot possibly understand.
You're right that we should treasure each moment, I wish I had thought about this before, I wouldn't have been left with so many "should/shouldn't haves".
Rose.

 

Dear Rose,

Thank you for reframing this moment for me and walking beside me. I’m guessing everyone here experiences those anniversaries and knows the pain.( My wedding anniversary feels more like a celebration.) I’m so grateful for this place and each person here. Right now, I’m just so grateful for you, Rose. Sometimes I think we are buoys in the grief storm for each other. I hope that I can be that for you. ❤️ Thank you!

 

There's no right way to go at other than living and going through it. We've lost a piece of ourselves and I don't think its nothing we'll ever get over. Time makes us stronger to deal with it and keep going but it dont take the pain away. It'll be 3 years for me soon and it feels like it just happened. My kids have been talking about him alot lately so I think they even sense this the month our lives changed. You're doing every thing right but like you said its a process so we just got to continue to go through it. Good thing we all have each other.

 

Good morning,

I’m sure you’re right—and thank you so much for reminding me. Looking back, there was a time when I felt closest to Steve when the grief was most intense. Now, it’s a daily journey. I have mice in my garage, and they even built a nest in my car! This freaks me out, because I don’t know how to keep them out of the garage. I’ve cleared out the junk. It’s frustrating. I miss Steve and his common sense in these situations. BUT. There’s no going back. So I am here. I found out a while ago that mice hate mint, so I’m saturating a cheap throw rug with it and keeping it under the engine compartment. It’s the best I can do. It’s embarrassing. But it’s my life, warts and all. Thank you so much for chatting with me — as I’m sure Steve would say, I am not going to be stumped by some mice! Hugs and comfort to all! ❤️

 

Good morning! They don't like moth balls either. Put some out and get some sticky traps. I tell you when we need things done it does make it harder because there use to be a time we barely had to ask and they'd do what needed to be done not having them.makes it a little stressful but we've proven how strong we are so we'll get it done. It may take a little longer but we'll figure it out. Stay strong!

 

Deb A. Just fixed coffee and pulled up GIC and saw your post. Let me share my mice story which is still going on. Two weeks ago my van wouldn't start so I got out my Halo charger lifted the hood and gasps. The whole liner was eaten up, torn to shreds all over the engine. Then I found they had destroyed most of my Christmas decorations in the garage. I took the van to the mechanic to check the engine because it's bolted on and I can't get it off. They found a rat and a nest and told me they can ruin your engine and chew wires. Because of the snow and rain I decided to use mint, moth balls, rodent repellent and rat pellets. Nothing worked so I bought some Decon smothered it with peanut butter. Not working. My kitty has been poking around my bathroom as looking to find something which tells me they must be in the basement and maybe attic. I will have to call an exterminator, then back to the mechanic to see if there were any rats in the engine. I need Jack back.
I was told Decon is not powerful enough, exterminators use a percentage much higher, but you can't buy the higher percentage has to be done by an exterminator. I hate killing mice/rats, but my engine means more. I'll let you know what the exterminators say to keep them away.

Another quick story is why I'm worried about my engine. A long time ago a friend was taking his car to have an oil change. On the freeway people kept honking at him, he pull over and his engine was on fire. Found out a rat nest caught on fire.

My finances go to hire people now, things Jack could of taken care of. It's just the pits isn't it?

 

Oh my goodness! That’s absolutely terrifying! Thank you for letting me know. I think I will be done feeding the birds for a while, because I am sure that rodents are raiding the feeders. Jeepers!! Yikes!!

 

Late Wednesday Art... hope you like it

 

Beautiful George!