So Tired...

2/28/23: I'm so tired. Why won't I heal? Why can't I heal? It's two years... I accept that you are gone. I acknowledge that you are gone. Why must I continually grieve? Today marks 7 years since my other big loss, my teaching career. 7 years ago was the last time I was a teacher in a UJHS classroom. The kids were clustered around the door nagging me about leaving the classroom... need to go to fourth floor- "can we walk M. up there?" "Bathroom Bathroom Bathroom!!!" (they nagged- just to wander around the halls)... I had no control over the situation. I did not care. I had no energy to deal with crazed 7th grade students. The failing kidneys left me with no energy or interest. I didn't care. I knew I was done. I was already in trouble with the administration because I couldn't follow their business model of education... Profit over people (in this case profit was in the data of standardized test scores...)
I feel so utterly hopeless. My attempts to reJoin the world of life have mostly been rebuffed. That Art League attempt was a particularly back setting fiasco. I have two things I look forward to. My morning cup of ice and talking with people on GIC. Then there's the endless never-ending torture of dialysis. I can't/won't do Anything

 

Oh George. As I read your post I understand your pain so much more. I could be wrong but I think sharing these things could possibly be what you need to start the healing process again. I can picture those students and how that could get to your last nerve. George your normal in how you felt with all that was going on and your kidneys failing, of coarse you didn’t have any energy. Losing your soul mate is enough to go into a tailspin. You’re strong you’ll get through this. There’s a lot to get through. I’m glad you stay on here and have this outlet that helps you through each moment, hour, day. Sending you virtual hugs. Wish I could give you a real hug. Your art feels like a warm hug to me. Thank you for that.
❤️ Robin

 

Thanks Robin! I have no one to talk to outside of GIC. My therapist seems to be a waste of money. At dialysis all they ever do is bright-side me with inane platitudes. I am so alone. I can't talk to my son, he doesn't get it. I have lost almost everything and I have no idea how to get anywhere to a better place. Thanks for listening.

 

You are definitely a Warrior! People say time heals you but I don't believe it do. I think that it jus makes us stronger to deal with things. You have been dealing with a lot and the fact you do your art and share it with us is a blessing. It may be a good ideal to seek a different counselor if you feel the one you have isn't helping. Definitely continue use the site as an outlet. I pray you continue to get strong with each passing day and know that you're not alone. Much Love!

 

Heartfelt words George, I can feel your pain and understand you. I try to convince myself that we will come out of this nightmare stronger and wiser than before. Losing your life partner is an ordeal that only others in the same situation can relate to. That's why I'm so grateful for having met all of you here. We will make it together, helping each other in our daily struggle, in honor of our soulmates.
We are all here for you George, looking forward to your art today.
Rose

 

BroGeo Lombardo , the Artist, let me
join your fan club with Summer
( Robin), Nicole,and Rose, in giving you
comfort in this horrible 2 year anniversary
of your dear Valerie's death. We Grief
Warriors are here for you, but as has
been said here before, you are the
Ultimate Grief Warrior ( UGW). None of
us know the pain, boredom , and
loneliness which goes with dialysis.
I thought of you yesterday, in my
doctor's office. He told me that as a
result of certain necessary meds and
simply aging, my kidney function has
worsened. I will need an ultrasound of my
kidneys at my local hospital, and then a
consultation with a nephrologist out of
town. My follow up with my PCP is the
end of May. I said I have 2 friends who
have to undergo dialysis: one is you.
The other is a Vietnam veteran who has a
Purple Heart.who is fortunate to have a
son who can monitor his dialysis at home.
instead of at a facility, like you have to.
I was both annoyed and fearful over the
doctor's stern words, and wished Linda
were with me, like she always was, with
this doctor. I pointed to Linda's cane, and
said her spirit was with me. He simply
nodded. My NP, who Linda and I both
liked for her warmth and sense of humor,
would've comforted me. After Linda
died over 4 yrs ago, I went into her
tiny lab room and wept. She put her hand
on my shoulder, and I've been going to
her ever since. I had to see my PCP
yesterday, bc it was required for my
Annual Wellness Exam, but I was not a
happy camper. My blood pressure was
higher-- another thing to worry about.
I have to watch my sodium, which I told
him is didfficult, bc I like to have
breakfast and lunch out for the social
aspect. I don't like cooking for myself at
night and throw a frozen gluten free
dinner in the oven. Hope to see your art
today, only if you're up to it , Grorge. Lou

 

Oh man that sucks so much! I can't cook at all. It is hard to watch everything you eat. My routine has been shot to hell this week with TB so sick and not attending classes. Feel so helpless, can't help TB cuz I can barely help myself.

 

George, I’m glad GIC is filling in some of the need to talk about your feelings. I’m sorry your son just doesn’t get it. I could be wrong but I think you mentioned he wasn’t all that close to his Mom. My kids were very close to their Dad. That helps them understand a little more. I don’t tell them everything I’m feeling but enough that I get support. Especially from my daughter because she lives close. It does help me. She’ll cry with me share memories and just be there. At least you have the TGW family here for you. And spring is coming you can get some much needed fresh air. How to get in a better place. It’s different for us all. And I’m thinking it’s a gradual thing. Sometimes I think I’m doing better and then I slip back. Solitude feels right for some and being around people for others. I go back and forth. Staying busy usually helps. And caring for Teddy, he gives me a reason to get up and get outside. After Ron passed nothing in my life was the same. I lost my soulmate best friend and business partner. Lost my job cause I couldn’t run the business myself. Plus I do have RA quite bad which restricts what I can do. What I have the same is our home. And that became my safe place. George you’re fighting the hard fight, just don’t give up. We’re all rooting for you. I’m sorry that TB is sick. Hope he feels better soon. You mention you can’t cook. I can and just don’t most days. I wonder if Ron would. Somehow I doubt he would if he was here and I wasn’t. I don’t know. Take care, much love, Robin

 

Lou I’m sorry your appointment went like it did. And no Linda to give you comfort. But she was with you you just can’t see her. She’s always with you. Let’s think positive on your tests and consultations. Keep us posted Lou. We’re going through these things together. You have support and love coming your way. I have to say. All the support I got for Ron’s birthday from all my friends here definitely helped me not feel so alone. It’s amazing what a friendly note can do for a person. Take care Lou. Summer.

 

Yeah TB hated her, and I understand why... We are going through therapy and it is becoming clearer, however, unfortunately there is NO ONE I can share my love for Valerie with. I am so alone.

 

Thank you so much, Summer, for your
comforting words, as always, about Linda.
Glad TGW came to your rescue , as they
do for me. Today is finally sunny & warmer, with hope for spring. A friend
spotted a cardinal. I'm looking for a
robin....Louster

 

Of coarse Lou. I still have most the snow still on the ground here. It has warmed up a little thankfully. Hoping it melts today. No spring birds here yet either. Hopefully soon. Another storm is coming through. I think I’m getting rain this time. I hope. I do have spring bulbs putting up shoots though. Robin

 

Sharing your memories and the love you shared with Valerie would be a huge help. I wish you weren’t so alone. I’m glad your therapy is helping and making things clearer. ❤️

 

Some Wednesday art therapy cuz I think we need it!

 

BroGeo Lombardo Da Vinci- you're
the man! LobsterDude

 

I try so hard...

 

Yes we do! Beautiful!

 

Thank you!!!!!

 

Sorry to hear about this!