So lost

Dear Susan I’m deeply moved of your life story with Doug and living with alcoholism. Unfortunately I have the disease of alcoholism too. At every meeting we have a moment of silence for those who will give their lives to this disease so we can take our disease more seriously. My wife was admitted into a treatment center in 1992 and she followed up with regular attendance at aa meetings. We are divorced but she is still sober. I tried to stay sober on will power till I almost shot myself a year later and begrudgingly joined aa. 6 months later I’m thinking about ending it all again. Fortunately I got a sponsor and began my journey into recovery. I have been active in aa 30 years but only do zoom meetings now. Guilt is a terrible thing. A friend told his wife if she didn’t quit drinking he was going to leave and she took her life that night. He found a lot of support in Alanon. Check out al-anon.org. They have zoom meetings 24/7. When you try to find a meeting there is a questionnaire that needs to be filled out. No personal information. Just meeting day and preference. There you will get a tremendous amount of support. With grief support and Alanon support you will find many others that have experienced what you have to and found a solution. Guilt haunted me also when Cheryl transitioned. Cheryl basically suffocated while sleeping because of a cardiac arrest. No warning signs or previous health issues. I was Cheryl’s first responder. I tortured myself a long time till I finally accepted it was Cheryl’s destiny. I made a collage on my phone of special places we went together. When flashbacks would come I would look at the happy photos and realize the event was a small part of our life together. I’m very proud of you Susan for standing up to your supervisor and customers too. You are an inspiration to us. You have a warrior spirit. Grief sometimes wipes me out where I can’t come to this site. I have be careful how much grief to dose myself with. If I take to much I try and distract myself away from it. That’s where our fellow grief warriors are here to help guide one another. Gary

 

I guess I'll have to read into that Hum.....

 

Gary, you've gone through so much sharing here. You've come a long way. A lot of information for Susan, I'm sure it will help her.

 

I lost my husband of 27 years on 11/6. I feel exactly the same way you described. I just can't make myself comprehend he is really gone no matter how hard I try.

 

I am so very sorry for your loss, and your pain. I’m 5 months in and still cry every day. I know Doug died. I’m the one who found him. But I still can’t quite grasp the concept. This just can’t be possible, yet it is.

The only ones who will understand it all is a fellow widow/widower. A friend with whom I had lost contact, a widow, reached out when she heard the news. She has been my rock. She told me not to think too far ahead, not even a day. Focus only on one step, one thought, one breath and that’s what I’ve done.

Ever so slowly, so slowly you don’t even notice, the grief DOES change. While I still cry every day, I’m no longer curled in a ball, unable to move. I can now control my tears until I’m home from work. I go grocery shopping without bursting into tears

 

sorry, hit send accidentally…

i accomplish small tasks. My daughter is home from college. Thanksgiving was hard, Christmas will be worse. ( as what would have been his 60th birthday) but we made it through. And will keep taking one step at a time, one breath at a time.

Take your time. Everyone’s grief is different. Learn to ignore poorly thought out comments. People mean well. They just don’t get it. My favorites so far:

i know just how you feel. I lost my dad…

I know just how you feel. I went through a bad divorce…

At least you still have your dogs…

Smile! It’ll make others more comfortable and you’ll feel better too.

 

Thank you for your post. I am the same way ad far as work goes. I went back two weeks ago and most days I don't cry until I leave work. What is so hard, is my husband kind of worked part time where I work. He was a courier and he would come to where I work to pick up parts. I was always looking for his truck. He had been disabled for so many years dye to an injury so when he was able to do this part-time he became a different person. He was so happy and that was cut short. Now I am having to sell the truck that he loved. I can't believe people would say those kinds of things to you. People can be very insensitive. I have never said to someone who is grieving "I know how you feel" because usually I didn't know. I am so sorry that that happened to you. My mom passed away on Labor day and the I lost my husband on 11/6. I didn't really have time to grasp that my mom was gone. Thanksgiving was very weird to me. I love to cook and would spend the entire day cooking for everyone. This year I bought a pre-made meal from publix. I am always off Thursday and Friday for Thanksgiving so this has felt like an eternity. I cannot turn my mind off and I think about Andy constantly. I guess what I have such a hard time with is everyone around me has their life in order and mine is turned upside down and I feel like it will never be normal or happy again.

 

Yes. To all of it. I totally get it.
Doug would often come to my work after he got off, to say hi or whatever. I loved the surprise visits. When I returned to work, I knew I couldn’t do it. I felt and saw Doug in everything. Im very lucky that the owners are so caring. The store is an upscale plant nursery and gift shoppe in a very high end neighborhood. The wife of one of the owners said she didn’t want a customer telling me about their latest European vacation while I was suffering. I was allowed to work at a different location, different tasks, no customers. Even now, 5 months later, while I’m back at the original location, they’ve allowed me to work where I have less customer interaction. It’s given me a chance to settle back in, somewhat.

i understand about watching the world around you moving while you’re stuck. I watched Halloween decorations being put out, then Fall, now Christmas lights and decorations. Even before any of that, just watching husbands and wives during their evening walks, kids being picked up/ dropped off. How can life just go on???!!! Hello!! Do y’all not understand that Doug DIED???!!! But their lives just continue…

I think I’m dealing with it, grasping what happened, but then I’ll find myself crying, sobbing… and I realize for the last 5 months, I have been in survival mode. There is no joy, no hope, no dreams for the future, just an endless string of days. My widow friend insists this is all part of grief and I will come out the other side, different, but again finding joy. Right now, I still don’t believe it, don’t even care, but I keep taking one step at a time, one breath at a time..that’s all we can ask of ourselves.

 

Susan, when I saw your user name, Lost
and in Pain, it sounded familiar, so I did
some research of past posts, and discovered that we had "talked" about the
death of your husband, Doug, and that
you have a daughter. I told you about the
death of my wife, Linda, who died 4 years
ago. I actually made you laugh when I
said some people suck at trying to
comfort the grieving, with well meaning,
but stupid remarks. In this tough holiday
season for widowed people, I'm grateful
that you, Karen ( KLovinggood), and
CathyLynn, reached out to each other &
returned to Grief in Common. Welcome
back. Lou

 

KLovinggood ( Karen), it must be extremely difficult for you to get started
on Grief in Common. I see your posts
under different headings besides "So
Lost".I had trouble in the beginning, when
I first joined this site , in July of 2021. Now that you've had to tell your story of
Andy's last days on earth, you may not
feel like posting again right now. It
would be good if you could just put a
"LIKE" to our posts, so that we know
you're still with us. I really hope you
can stay on Grief in Common ( GIC).
Thank you,and God Bless you. Lou

 

Hello VanGogh,
Does that mean I have replied too many times or to too many different threads? Am I doing it wrong? I guess I don't really know how it works or what to do, so I will just read and not reply. My apologies.

 

Thank you so much for replying to me
so quickly this morning, Karen. You're
not doing anything wrong. I was
worried that you weren't reading all the
posts, from the many people , like me,
who care about you. I just suggested that
if you're too tired to post, you can just
attach a "LIKE" to our posts. You can call
me Lou. I had chosen Van Gogh as my
user name, originally, to get on this
site, bc I was a tortured, lonely soul
like the great painter. I feel better now
that I have friends both on & off GIC. Lou

 

I’ve been trying to catch up. I’ve been visiting my son in Florida for Thanksgiving. I’ve been home a couple days now. Coming home to an empty quiet house gets me started every time. But Ron would love that I got to spend the holiday with both my children. Who took such good care of me and spoiled me. I made it home safe on Sunday evening after traveling all day in pouring rain.
Karen my heart goes out to you. I understand every feeling you’re going through. I’ve been there and still can’t believe I’m alone now for 4 years. But I’m pushing through. Ron passed very suddenly Nov 17, 2018. He was healthy as far as we knew. He suffered a massive heart attack that took him in 2 short hours. My life has been turned upside down, nothing is the same. We were married 41 years together 44 years. Dreams are gone, I closed our business and I live day to day. I find that is the best way to try to move forward. From my experience, time does not heal. But you grow stronger. I’ve had many people say such cruel things to me. “Can we happy this year for the holidays”? That was 3 years ago from my SIL. 3 months after Ron passed I tried to get groceries and ran into a cousin, she was shocked I was still having troubled days and not sleeping. I had to get back in my car and cry it out then drive back home. People don’t realize. But as I’ve said before, it’s not rocket science. Nothing prepares you for losing your spouse. And others don’t understand. Strangers treat me better then most friends and family. I have always loved to cook and bake and I did do the cooking at my sons house. It felt good to cook for my family. I rarely cook any more. No desire or motivation. It doesn’t feel good any more. It makes me sad. But the people on GIC all understand all the ups and downs and we work together as a family to help as best we can. Karen, as Lou mentioned you can reply any where you want and as much as you want. Or not at all. There are no rules. Do what feels right or helps you. Your loss is so very resent, be sure to take care of yourself and definitely get fresh air. CathyLynn, my heart breaks for you too. I’m forgetting names since I missed most of these posts while I was in Florida. This message is for each of you. My friends here on GIC have given you great support and advice. I credit this site for getting me through my worst days and I know this site can help you too. Post as often or as little as you want. We’re here for you.
There’s are better days ahead, keep working towards them. Our spouses helped make us who we are today and will always be a part of each of us. They want us to be ok and live life. It’s hard but we need to try.
Robin

 

Robin, this post is one of your best.
I recall the unfeeling comments to
you right after Ron died. I thank God for
The Grief Warriors (TGW) on GIC, every
morning, and sometimes in the middle of
the night, when I'm at my most vulnerable
& lonely. I've always considered you a
leader on this site, with your insight that
any happiness we will have, will be
tinged with sadness. As our good friend,
Deb, and others ask, " How could it not,
after so many years with our soulmates?".
Thank you for reaching out to our new
member , Karen, and to CathyLynn,who
returned to us. I had written down the
name of the widow, who posted "Lost and
in Pain"----Susan, whose husband, Doug,
had died. My trick is to write down the
names of people I meet, so this comes
naturally to me. I also like to make
connections here, concerning where
members live, how long they've been with
their soulmates, etc. You and I have a
special connection, of course, bc our
spouses died about the same time, right
before Thanksgiving, 4 years ago. Welcome back from your trip, Robin. Lou

 

Robin, happy to see you back, safe and sound. I'm so glad you spent a great Thanksgiving with both your children, and that you were " brave" to cook for everyone. I relate to you so much here, because I have the same problem. How will I ever prepare those special festive dishes ever again? I was the one who hosted for all the family at Christmas, New Year, Easter, ecc., everyone gathered at our house. I feel guilty for my children as they love these special meals just as much as my C did and a little voice inside me tells me: "Go on, do it, at least for them!" but I just can't bring myself to, it isn't fair if their dad isn't here to join us. Both my children are very understanding of course and I know that they can see my point of view. It's just me that just can't be the same person I was.
Anyway, like you Robin, I'm grateful for this site, keeping me sane. Apart from my children and close family, you GWs are the only ones who manage to make me smile.
Rose

 

Lou, you have a very understanding approach in welcoming new comers like Karen or others who haven't been on the site for a while, making them feel at home.
Rose.

 

Thank you, Rose. As I told the new
Karen (KLovinggood), I almost didn't
reply to her long , very sad post of her
last days with her husband, Andy, for 2
reasons: 1st, I didn't want to rehash
the borror of Linda's last day on earth,
and, 2nd , I wasn't sure if she'd stay with
us on GIC, and my time, effort, and
emotional comfort would've been wasted.
I told her I was so glad she answered me.
But, she's having a hard time navigating
this site, with her intense grief over the
very recent death of her beloved Andy.
I had a very hard time in the beginning
with this site, too, and went to Robin
for help ( she recently reminded me of
that, bc I had forgotten), and even emailed
the founder of GIC, Karyn Arnold. I just
pray that Karen won't give up. I hope
other Grief Warriors will lift her up on
the battlefield of grief. Lou

 

Rose, thank you for welcome back. My home is my safe place. So it feels good. But it always feels sadder with my home so empty and quiet. I was always the host for every holiday too. I wanted to keep hosting and my family said they would come. But it didn’t happen that way. I wanted to keep things like they were. Keep traditions I had with Ron and my family. I’m able to cook and bake for others, it’s still a struggle but I can. I do not desire to cook for myself. I just can’t. I’m not eating as healthy as I should but do enjoy fresh fruit and vegetables. I relate to it’s not fair to have the things you enjoyed together. That’s a road block for me too. In many areas. And I have such trouble signing cards without Ron’s name. I’ve stopped sending cards pretty much it’s too difficult. I’m happy your kids are there with you and understand. I’m no where near the person I was with Ron. I loved life and was always happy and looking forward to each day. I try to be happy cause Ron would want that and he told me that so many times. I push for him. Ron is my inspiration. You’re doing the same and trying so hard. But some days feel harder and miss them more then the day before, holidays or not. It’s definitely a long journey. Each passing day is its own battle. We’ll get there. Robin