Robin, Same. I would never leave the house without makeup. Husband and daughter would insist I looked fine. I’d refuse. Many times, it was just too much of a bother and I’d stay home. So many wasted opportunities. What I wouldn’t give to have Doug here now, I’d happily skip out of the house with no make up, hair pulled back and sweats…daughter and I were out grocery shopping yesterday. My heart would stop every time I saw an older couple. Doug and I were supposed to grow old together. My God it hurts so much. 42 years. When I shared my thoughts with my daughter, she told me her heart breaks every time she sees a father with his children…so much pain and none of this had to happen. OK, I’m ready to share my story now…
This is going to be long so y’all feel free to come back later when you have more time…Doug was the 4th of 5 children, all dark hair, brown eyes. Doug was blonde and blue eyes. The joke was that he was the milkman’s child…moms aren’t supposed to have favorites but his mom had confessed he was extra special. Doug was very close to his mom. His mom had diabetes and in 1994, she died. Doug fell apart. He had always enjoyed a few drinks, but he began pouring it down. Mass quantities. Doug never called me by name. I was always ‘Babe’. One day I came home from work. He was already home. I heard from the bedroom a loud SUSAN!! and I began running. I knew something was wrong. I found him sitting on the edge of the bed in a pool of blood. His clothes were soaked, blood smeared all over his face, all on the floor and it appeared to be a faucet coming from his nose. No idea how he hadn’t passed out from loss of blood. Against his wishes, I called 911 and he was taken to the ER. They tried for 6 hrs to stop the bleeding and at 11:30 PM, decided emergency surgery was required. Turned out that the drinking had weakened the membranes way up in his nasal passages. He would have bled to death. That didn’t stop him. 2 more times I took him to the ER… then, after 19 years of trying and finally giving up, I became pregnant. Doug stopped drinking. Just like that.. Stopped. We agreed that we didn’t want our child going to daycare so one of us would have to quit their job. I made more money and Doug was more patient so Doug stayed home. For 20 years, he was a model dad. Every ballet class and recital, every soccer practice, game or tournament, every cross country meet, every choir rehearsal, Doug was in the thick of it. Everyone loved him. I’m not sure when it started. Perhaps a beer at Oktoberfest or a margarita during a dinner out and then just a drink now and again at home. Nothing major. He would go without for months. I have no idea what happened or when, but somewhere along the line, the drinking progressed. I’d comment and he’d supposedly stop. We were down to one parent, his dad, who was in his early 90’s and a weak heart. He was rushed to the hospital on numerous occasions. Once, it was especially bad and Doug apparently showed up intoxicated. He was not well received… First week of May, his dad died. I was terrified that Doug would again start pouring it down. The night before the funeral, I warned Doug not to embarrass himself or the family. He did great. Looked so handsome in his suit. So many generations were there. An Honor Guard was present, a flag was presented to each child, Taps was played.,And Doug looked awesome. All seemed to be relatively ok in the days to follow. I knew he was having a little, but I had no idea. 1 month after his dad died, I had a stroke. Doug usually seemed ok but occasionally had too much. I came unglued. I told him that for 42 years I had taken care of him, been there for him, called in sick and stayed home to take care of him and now, for the first time, I needed him to take care of me! He said he knew that and was working on stopping. I wanted to believe him. But he’d eat very little, claiming to already have eaten, disappear into a back bedroom or garage for extended periods…the morning of June 29th,I got up to get ready for work. As had happened so many times before, Doug said he wasn’t feeling well and was staying home. I was pissed. I ALWAYS stayed home to care for him. ALWAYS. I’d had enough. I was going to work even though my vision was somewhat impaired and I was weak. I told him I was going to work. I told him if he felt worse, to cal 911. Before I left, I said again that I was leaving for work and asked f he agreed. He just mumbled. I’d never done this before, not in 42 years. That was the last time I’d see him alive. After hours of not responding to calls or texts, I went home and found him. If only I hadn’t left. Even if I couldn’t save him, I could have been with him. Now, I am filled with so much pain, pain for my loss, my daughter’s loss, anger because all of this pain didn’t have to happen and guilt. So much guilt. I tell myself I deserve the pain but my daughter…what if I’d stayed. She might still have a dad. Those last moments with Doug right before I left will haunt me until my last breath. I’ll never grow old with someone. I’ll never again be with the person who knew me as well as I knew myself. Never. I shouldn’t have gone to work. The best scenario now is that my daughter find a good man and start a family of her own, and I’ll be free to die. I am oh so ready.
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