So lost

If you know her secret pass it along. I wish I didn't dwell, but I do.

 

She had 2 husbands: one in her 20s, another when she was in her 70s. When
she was 85, she met a man at a church
supper. They were together for several
years, until he became ill, & she had to
take care of him until he died. She has a
son my age, & a great grandaughter. She
told us that she would still like a man,
with whom to cuddle. I was teased by
friends that I better watch out! I must
point out that she's sharp, reads, walks
everywhere, and is interested in the
stories of other people. The woman is
always dressed nicely, no sweatpants,
and gets complimented from all the guys,
including me. Lou

 

hello..... i'm so sorry..... you are not alone

 

Sorry for posting on this thread but I can’t figure out how to start a new one. So, I have to share something that happened Wednesday. This is a copy/paste of what I sent to a friend.

Yesterday was bad, very upsetting…so, some background. We have 3 ladies in their 70’s who usually are called in to work only when Christmas merchandise is coming in. They work across the street in an office/tiny warehouse. Sometimes they come into the store before going to their location. So, yesterday, before store opened, they’re at my location. I’m in Receiving and one of the ladies walks over to me and says she needs to talk to me. Ok. She starts by saying ‘ I know you’re hurting. Of all people, I understand. I went through a horrible divorce and ended up in a mental hospital.’ ( I’m sure divorce is horrible, but it’s not the same as finding your husband’s stiff body!!!! WTF!!!) She goes on to say,’ You snapped at someone today’. My jaw dropped. I snapped at no one. I avoid talking, avoid eye contact because I’m too likely to start crying. I had said good morning to I think, 4 employees. That was it. No snapping. I told her same and asked who said it, makes no sense. Won’t tell me but goes on to say ‘ you should b kinder to people. It’ll make them feel good and you too. Smile!’ So… not only should I come in, work my ass off, I need to be the life of the party 6 weeks after my husband died, to make others happy?????!!!! WTF???!!! I told her the only thing I felt like doing now was going home!!! Told me ‘no!’ as I stormed off, went outside and started bawling. Fast forward to end of day. Lady who’s sort of my supervisor comes back to see how it’s going. I tell her what happened. I ask if she knows anything. She takes me outside and tells me ‘everyone’ is really worried about me. ??? She thinks it was the other lady’s attempt to let me know that, that she’s worried…so, the way to do that is to make up a story about my snapping at someone??? That makes ZERO sense!!! Goes on to tell me that she’s really worried too but doesn’t know who to tell besides my daughter. What??? I’m coming in to work, working hard. Yes, I lost a few lbs but it’s improving. No, haven’t colored hair because I don’t feel like it and not wearing eyeliner because if I cry, it smears. Without it, no one knows if I’ve cried. Those are only changes. I’m confused. I’m upset. I’m sad. I’m pissed! WTF??!! Are they insane??? If they ever have a monumental loss, I hope they remember to laugh, be silly, have fun and makes others happy!

Thank you for reading all of that. Is that bizarre or what?! I understand that people don’t know what to say after a loss, but to make up something and then suggest that a grieving person be happier in order to lift up those around them??!!

 

Susan, I’m not even sure where to start. I’m so very sorry that all happened. And angry that happened to you. That’s a horrible way to be treated. I wish I could give you a hug and we could sit together and just be. These people have no idea that they’re making things worse. At 6 weeks after losing you’re wonderful husband and losing everything that was your happy life, no one should expect you to be full of joy and smiles. And yet that is exactly what you were told. Everything you mention, losing weight, eyeliner, hair color, I’ve been through and I’m sure many others have and are too. I’ve lost a lot of weight, I tell my daughter that Ron wouldn’t recognize me. She says dad would know you with your eyes closed. She’s right on that. I have stopped wearing make up and nail polish. Ron loved my nails done and now I just don’t care. I do color my hair because for me it does make me feel better. But that’s me, the first time I was thinking why am I doing this. But I’m doing that for me. I’m sharing because possibly what they’re coming at you with might make you second guess what you’re doing. Susan you’re going through the worst thing that can happen to anyone, yet you’re getting up and going to work. I guarantee you’re not snapping at anyone. That takes energy. Energy we don’t have. To answer your question, yes. They are insane. But I also think they don’t realize. I’m not sure how to handle this. Except to say something to effect that people don’t realize that losing your spouse is life altering and the most difficult thing to go through. Let them know 1 quick hug or how are you goes a long way. Knowing people care helps, being judged doesn’t. It makes things worse. They’re judging. If they really care they’ll listen to you. Telling you you’re not smiling enough or acting happy enough has the opposite effect. I’m glad you shared this with a friend, you have a lot of friends here and I’m sure you’ll get a lot of support. Trying not to cry in public takes so much energy. Let alone smile. I’ve had many cruel things said to me. I know how it feels. I worked beside Ron and had to close our business which was a second loss. But I didn’t go through what you have happening. My cruel remarks were from family and supposed friends that I might bump into.
I hope sharing your story here and with your friend feels good to get off your chest. No idea if anything I said helps at all. But I’m so in your corner and would love to give you a big hug.
We’re here for you, Robin.

 

Susan , don't worry about starting a new
thread. You are still "Lost and in pain" .
My usual thread is "Loss of Spouse", but
we Grief Warriors will find you. Your
work story IS one big WTF!!! It sounds like
a horrible place to work,with uncaring
co workers. These people are NOT your
friends. I know that it is tough, at your
age, to get a job, but I wonder if there is
a better one in your area. The woman who
compared her divorce to your finding your
dear Doug dead, is beyond the pale. In
The Widower's Notebook, a memoir, by
Jonathan Santlofer, Jonathan is outraged
by that same encounter. He also has a
chapter, Stupid Things Said By Smart
People. But, in your case, it's by stupid,
unfeeling people, like your supervisor, who
should no better. My heart goes out to you,
bc you are outnumbered in your workplace, and have no ally. As we know
on GIC, only those who have suffered the
deaths of loved ones, can truly "get it".
I'm glad you vented here, on GIC, where
other GW have had similar experiences.
I'm over 10 yrs. older than you, & retired.
I can't picture myself working in a place
like yours. I'm sending a virtual hug to you
in Texas from Massachusetts. Lou

 

My dear Susan, I could feel red hot rage burning inside me when I read your post, and in the end I just wanted to hug you and cry with you. I did have a little sob to myself. I just can't believe how heartless people can be. Just ignore them, they don't understand, how could they treat you that way? Robin and Lou have expressed beautiful comforting words for you, I really couldn't add more, just want to say that we really do all understand you, and are here for you. You did nothing wrong, THEY did. You have all my sympathy and solidarity.

A big hug to you.
Rose.

 

Rose,
I had tears running down as I read Susan’s story too. People can be so cruel. And not even realize even though this isn’t rocket science to figure out.
Robin

 

Oh, Robin, you're so right. They are all really on a different planet. I'm so glad I have you all here to pour my heart out to.
A big hug.
Rose

 

Robin, whether cruel, or simply stupid,
there is no excuse for their attitude. I know a woman who was hit by a car, while
walking out of the Senior Center. A
bystander saw her on the sidewalk, and
accused her of exaggerating her pain.
Unbelievable, but true. The woman has
suffered pain for 3 weeks, & has to use a
cane. She needed someone to listen to her,
which I did. Lou

 

I agree Lou. I’m glad you were there to listen. She definitely needed that. My first time out shopping that wasn’t for essential things, while walking to the car a woman was speeding through the parking lot. She had to slam on her brakes, her car touched me. And she acted like she didn’t do anything. My daughter let her have it. Two emotional woman who recently lost their husband/dad, we weren't up to that. We got in our car and we both started crying. My daughter kept asking me if I was ok. I wasn't hurt but emotionally, I was a mess. I hope that woman is continuing to heal. Robin

 

Robin, I felt so bad when I read about you being hit. I know it was horribly traumatic, emotionally, for both you and your
daughter. I hope that if you experienced
any pain, that you have it checked out by your primary care physician . I am struck
with the idea, that at any minute ,we can
be struck with something, and we can
rely on someone to help. In this case, your
daughter. Lou

 

Thank you Lou, it was such a difficult time. Obviously. I was pushing myself to get out of the house. Not just buy food or cleaning products. And that happened. thankfully her car just barely touched me. My daughter can be a bit of a slit fire, and it certainly came out that day. I hope you’re resting Lou.
Robin

 

Robin, How horrible! I can’t even imagine. I remember just a few weeks ago when my daughter and I went out to buy some necessities. Each of us broke down multiple times in the store. Had we had such a traumatic event on top of it, I don’t know if we could ever have ventured out again.

All, Thank you so much for reading my long winded post from yesterday and for letting me know that yes, the women are nuts. I’m trying so hard to be strong for my daughter, to be focused and work hard at my job, to not let the impacts of the stroke ( worsened vision,weakness) stop me.

I have to congratulate myself on all of the small ‘wins’ I’ve had. Doug did RVERYTHING for us, drove us everywhere. In 6 weeks I have learned how to:

Drive to nearby stores, using Google Maps as necessary.

Use bank drive thru as well as a few fast food drive thrus without scraping the bldg ( although I did start to drive onto a small cement median at the bank. I quickly backed off of it and went to another bank location…)

Pump my own gas.

Use self check out at stores although I hate it..

Clean the pool and add chemicals.
So yeah, I’ve learned some stuff. I’m told I should be so proud of myself. Proud? No. I miss Doug. I want him here. I still can’t believe he’s really gone. I’ve learned what I had to.

I have more to share but I need to take a break before I do.

 

Thank you so much Susan, it was definitely traumatic for both of us. It was supposed to be a positive outing. Trying to push ourselves. Many tears in the store. I don’t think I bought anything. We felt kind of happy with ourselves not going for food or cleaning products but we were still anxious. I didn’t last long in the store. This woman had the nerve to say we jumped out in front of her. Yeah ok. I use a cane, I look carefully for traffic. She was no where in site and she was flying plus texting. And it actually was a pick up truck. My daughter screamed at her and she said what do you want me to do. She said you could at least apologize to us especially my Mom. She said nothing and took off. It did take a long time for us to go out again after that. I called one of my brothers crying. Told him everything. I just needed to share.
Ron did everything for me too. Susan you’re doing great! I’m impressed. And you recently suffered a stroke. And you’re still pushing. It would be nice to get a job else where like Lou mentioned. I know that would be hard to go through right now. The applications and interviews. I’m hoping they treat you with more care and stop judging. Do you work 5 days?
The pool takes some learning. I’m caring for ours too. Our pump stopped working last week. Always something.
Susan you should congratulate yourself. You’ve done so much. And I congratulate you as well. Doug would be so proud. Robin

 

Thank you! I forgot, also learned how to pay all the bills. THAT was a challenge.

I am so angry after reading what transpired in the parking lot. Absolutely outrageous! That is someone who needs a giant dose of karma.I just cannot fathom how some people treat others so poorly. You could have been killed! She should have jumped out, helped you sit down somewhere, checked your condition and called 911 if anything seemed amiss. She knew she was in the wrong!!

 

Robin, so sorry to hear about what happened to you. Of course, she was in the wrong, like Susan has said. Some people can be so callous and nasty! Doesn't she know that you drive slowly in car parks, and have to watch out for pedestrians ? I'm so glad you weren't hurt, but the scare and the reaction from this person must have been so upsetting for you, and just as you had finally found the strength to venture out with your daughter, not just for necessities (I relate to you completely for this). I've done that only once so far, with my daughter, I also only go out for groceries and other necessary errands. Like you said earlier in another post, I'm the same when it comes to makeup. Haven't worn any at all, since that day, what for? Who cares? Just like you, I still do color my hair, but for me, I ve just become used to it. My hubby used to do it for me often. I didn't used to wear much makeup anyway, but I never would have thought in a million years, that I'd give up my eyeliner. I remember once, long ago, during the first weeks when me and my C had just met, I almost turned down a dinner invitation from him, because I had lost my eyeliner, it was late so shops were closed and I just didn't want to be seen without it!
I really couldn't care less now.

Take care.
Rose

 

Susan, I can’t thank you enough for all your kind words and compassion. I know you understand just how difficult it was to finally go out and then to have that happen. Then sitting in my daughters car crying and hugging each other. We couldn’t even move the car to head home. It took a while. And then we decided to turn it around and be happy that neither of us were hurt. She definitely knew she was wrong. But refused to admit it. And didn’t care.
I agree and feel the same. There was a time I wouldn’t leave the house without makeup on. I never wore much either. Now, who cares. I’m not trying to impress anyone.
You’re doing so well with learning how to do so many things. Thing if Doug was here where he belongs you wouldn’t need to learn. But you’re checking one thing after another off and in that aspect you’re doing great. Things we don’t want to do but there’s no choice, we have to. Robin

 

Thank you Rose, When this happened I wasn’t on GIC, but I shared with my son and both brothers. They were devastated that happened but so happy my daughter and I were ok. I have thought about it from time to time. And think about all the children we had seen. The world is full of many different people. I could never be that callous. But then I’d never speed in a parking lot.
Isn’t it something how so many things used to be so important to us and now, who cares. I love that your husband used to color your hair for you. I’m actually a licensed beautician and always do my own hair. But I needed help once and Ron did it for me. I had fallen and had bad bruises I couldn’t lift my arms up. I couldn’t do much of anything. I love knowing and hearing about husbands stepping in and doing things out of their comfort zone because that’s how we show our love for each other.
I’m tired, spent today on the beach. The fresh air helps me sleep. Take care, Robin

 

Robin, woke up around 5:30am, ( usually
then, or 6ish) to enjoy the summer day. I'm
so glad you made it to the beach. When I
walk near my apartment every morning,
I see the ocean, and do a short prayer of
gratitude to God that I'm still alive ( I didn't give a damn right after Linda died) . The
summer is so short, as you know, so I'm
trying to savor each minute . Some people
complained about the recent heat & humidity, but not me. I felt sad when it was
really cool & cloudy this am. I hate it when
people say the summer is over at the Fourth of July. I've gone to many band
concerts , next to the American Legion
( thru July & Aug), and buy popcorn &
cold drinks from my Vietnam veteran
friends. They are a fun bunch, who live
life with gusto. One friend brought his wife
of 53 years. They have a happy marriage.
He has a boyish smile, and mischievous
humor, despite the fact that he can't walk
too well, bc he was shot in the legs in
the jungle of Vietnam. He still has occasional nightmares that the enemy is
chasing him, but it's on the main street of
my town. Though not a veteran, he respects me, bc I have occasional dreams
about Linda, regrets that I didn't show her
more love, or "save her". Now, as you know, I feel vulnerable bc I have upcoming
surgery. I promised Linda I would try to be
healthy & not discouraged, and enjoy life.
But, once in a while, when I hear that a
classmate died, I think it may be my turn,
and say WTF. Then, I have a strange thought that I can't let my friends, like you,
on GIC, down ( and you wouldn't have
known that I died) . I'll end on a happy
note: I've been clapping for great musicians, as Linda would have. She told
me when she was ill, that she wanted me to
be healthy & happy. I'm trying to do both. L