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So lost

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Lost and in pain, Jul 20, 2022.

  1. pam9458

    pam9458 Member

    I also lost my Dad in 2020 and it was 18 months before I could function. I still care for my 87 year old mother and now have PTSD from so many loses so close togeather
     
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  2. pam9458

    pam9458 Member

    My son calls every few months and I haven't spoken to my daughter in 2 years
     
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  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Susan, thank you so much for reaching out
    to comfort our newest member, Pam. I
    have found that helping other people in
    their grief, helps me through my grief
    journey, as well. Lou
     
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  4. pam9458

    pam9458 Member

    I also want a male companion just to hang with. No interest in romance just to watch some sports or dine with
     
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  5. pam9458

    pam9458 Member

    I feel better having someone to talk to...Thanks
     
  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Pam, that isn't enough, and I hope you
    can have a support system, perhaps join a
    widowed persons group..... Lou
     
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  7. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    That's great, Pam. I'm not a big sports fan,
    but I like to eat in my local cafe, while
    listening to live music. I gave up drinking,
    bc it made me more depressed, but sit at
    bar with a buddy, whose soulmate
    died 3 years ago. He's actively seeking a
    mate. I go for the music. If I meet a woman with whom to enjoy music, that's frosting
    on the cake, as my good friend, Deb, on GIC,says. Now, I really have to get back to
    sleep. "Talk" with you soon, Pam. Lou
     
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  8. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Susan, Cheryl and I had supper watched tv hugged and kissed good night the evening before. how could I ever imagine the next morning I would be Cheryl’s first responder? Cheryl went without breathing 73 minutes but was revived only to die 2 days later. We all relate to your experience. I kept having flashbacks of the events that were traumatizing. I made a colloge on my phone of Cheryl and some of the spiritual places we had visited. When flashbacks would come I would look at the photos and remind myself the horrible events were a fraction of our time together. I began intense mourning for the next 3 months. I had a therapist who was basically like a friend and I was going to grief meetings which were bimonthly. I felt some what safe and secure at the meetings and therapy. But I began to isolate because only 3-4 people I knew understood what grief was about. The book Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba was a game changer for me. The author explains how important it is to let the grief bubble out of us. After heavy balling jags under the direction of the book I began telling myself that I was healing. The worse I cried the more I was healing. Zuba explains there is a new way to do grief. Just because Cheryl is physically gone doesn’t mean the relationship has to end. I still refer to Cheryl as my girlfriend friend. I made a shrine to honor my beloved Cheerful Cheryl. Sometimes we watch music videos together and do air hugs. It takes a long time to get steered in the right direction but we are warriors. We all bear tremendous emotional wounds but we keep on keeping on. I’m glad you have found GIC. Approach your day one task at a time. Kristin Neff has free self compassion audios online. The 5 minute one is the best. Please check out. Be very gentle and kind to yourself. Like Karen said you are worth it. Gary
     
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  9. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Gary, what a moving reply to Susan. I am
    proud that I recommended Zuba's book to
    our group. I threw the ball, but you
    caught it, and ran with it. You have more
    patience than I do, in regard to grief
    philosophy. After the psychiatric unit,
    with counselors, and an individual
    grief counselor, I'm on my own, with the
    help of you & other GW, and the friends
    in my small town. Being able to talk &
    laugh with both locals & tourists, has
    been my salvation, as well as listening to
    live music at the local cafe. Lou
     
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  10.  
    Van Gogh likes this.
  11. Thank you to all who have taken the time to respond. I appreciate it, I truly do, but I feel so lost, so alone, so far away as if I’m on island of pain an no one can reach me. My stroke left me with vision issues and lack of strength. I try to research stuff my husband always did ( clean the pool) but there’s always a problem and my physical limitations just make everything seem hopeless. I finally reached out on a neighborhood FB page and received offers to help with the pool. One person came 2 days, then tagged someone else who came 3 days and made progress. He was to return Saturday morning. No show, nothing. Another offered to set up a meal calendar. I accepted the offer and she disappeared. Just poof, gone! My daughter and I lived off junk food. A week later, person reappears, back from vacation, let’s get that meal calendar set up. I told her no thanks, we’ve been handling it. Why do people do this??!! They’re dealing with fragile humans who are clinging to something, anything, needing help and there are just words. Every day I seem to slip a little further away.
     
  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Susan, the sad fact is that many people
    suck,and don't come forward to help,
    like you, Linda. & I would've helped
    someone else in need. Hope you get real
    help soon. In the meantime, please feel
    free to vent on GC. Lou
     
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  13. Thank you. Your first sentence did make me laugh for a second. Yes, some do suck.

    Family and friends send an occasional message but it’s more like an afterthought, oh yeah, she’s still grieving. I should say something…,someone with whom I had lost contact heard from a prior coworker that Doug had died. That one person has stood by me, sent mssgs every day, shared her experience ( also a widow) and walked the walk with me. When I told her about the meal calendar, she asked to send food ( in same state but nowhere close). I told her we’re eating junk so…. She had a box of junk delivered-chips, cookies, popcorn…I’m thankful for her.
     
  14. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Susan, I'm glad I made you laugh, even
    for a minute. A sense of humor, and at
    least one person, with whom to talk, is

    essential for the grieving process. The
    widow friend is important, even if she
    sends only junk food. She means well,
    but I hope you & your daughter can
    get healthier food. Is there a Senior
    Center near you? They may help. Lou
     
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  15. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. Don't apologize for expressing your feelings. This is the place to do it. Its not whining to us because we get it. Losing your soulmate turns your world upside down. Then you have your health issues to work through so its making your situation even harder. Im sorry. I wish I could just give u an hug but I'm sending you a virtual one.
     
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  16. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. Its so recent and you're showing strength by being here talking about it. With time you'll get more stronger to deal with it. Nights are the worse for me too. Its been 2 in a half years for me and I still have nights where I can't sleep or sleep a few hours wake up and go back to sleep. Some nights I wake up every hour. I know with time it'll get better but I think my body just still wants him beside me. Try staying as busy as you can. Get as much fresh air as possible. Keep expressing your feelings here because we get it. Praying for your strength.
     
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  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Nicole, thanks for your kind words to our
    new member, Susan, who is struggling with the death of her husband, Doug. Your
    words comforted me, as well. I happened to wake up just now, at 4am, from a
    dream in which I was hugging Linda, and
    was crying with joy, bc I was happy to see
    her. It's been over 3 and a half years since
    Linda's collapse, & subsequent death, right
    in front of me. I hadn't had a hugging/
    crying dream for a while, but Mr. Grief
    paid me a visit early this am. Some would
    say that Linda was giving me another
    chance to hug her, and maybe to assure me
    that our spirits will be reunited some day.
    A friend of mine, whose soulmate died, is
    actively seeking another woman, but it was
    12 years for him , and 25 for me. I will see
    what happens, but no woman can replace
    Linda , in my heart. Thank you for being
    there, when I needed somebody with whom to "talk". I'm sorry you still have
    trouble sleeping, Nicole. You're right that
    getting outside for air is vital for the grieving process. Lou
     
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  18. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    Im sorry I didn't see and respond earlier. Im always just a message away to lend a listening ear. I know the dream made you cry but I think it was sweet and agree that she wanted to.let you.know she was ok. I remember the last time you shared a dream with me you said you didn't get to ask her if she was ok. This was her way of letting you know she was. Thanks for having compassion toward my lack of sleep. All.of this is a process that we're all adapting to. My body just having a harder timing adjusting to sleeping. I feel that it may get bet. I think I get an hour or so more on certain days. Well I hope you enjoyed dayand continue to get out when you can.
     
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  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Nicole, great to see you on here,as always.
    Went to sleep peacefully , after seeing a
    rock band concert , with friends. It was
    outside the American Legion Post, where I
    have coffee every Sat morning , in the
    other seasons. Friends & live music have
    Been essential in my slow crawl of
    grieving for Linda. My dream this
    morning, , I was. Joking with strangers.
    It was a pleasant dream. Now, back to
    sleep..... , Lou
     
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  20. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Hello Susan. I’m sorry you are having trouble. Have you ever checked the site stroke.org? I think that’s the name. It has a support page. During the pandemic we ordered non-perishable foods from Costco and did curb side pick up for fresh at walmart. Please be extra gentle and kind to yourself. This is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. Practice self compassion with your self by admitting this very difficult. Unfortunately this is our humaneness. People suffer like us. Put one hand on your heart and the other hand on top of it. Tell yourself you are here for yourself. Talk to yourself like you would a very dear friend whom you had compassion for. Say things like I am here for you. I will not leave you. I care about you. I have to do this sometimes and it gets me going a little better. You are worth it! If you have to steal money and buy the book Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba. This is imperative in learning how to do grief. When I read it was important to mourn to begin healing it helped. The grief is a toxin. It has to come out. Also I had to set my intention to heal and commit to it. It’s not easy. Therapy in person grief meetings reading books and add whatever you can add to the list. I stayed in a stupor for 5 months after losing Cheryl. It takes a long time to get steered in the right direction. You can do this. We are warriors. We are constantly taking body blows from Mr Grief. We have each other for support. We learn different techniques of survival. We keep on trucking. Sending you a big hug and positive energy and encouragement. Gary
     
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