So lost

Rose, I’m so sorry you’re struggling so much. But I can understand 100%. Life has become so difficult. Let out your emotions and just do what you feel up to. Try to get fresh air when you can. What you’re going through is part of the peaks and valleys of this torture that was thrown at us. Missing the memories from summers past makes you miss them even more. I can tell you from experience that eventually and very slowly these memories will bring smiles. Hard to believe I know but it does happen over time.
We’re here to help you and each other. Robin

 

I really don’t want to be here anymore.. my husband and and I grew up together, every memory, ever, includes him. He did everything, drove us everywhere, repaired everything ..…Now, everything is a mess. The property is falling apart, I’m falling apart. I never had a chance to recover from a stroke, 3 weeks later, my husband died. The stress brought on hives, followed by an almost daily change of ailments- one hand goes numb, the next day, one finger swells, the next day, the next finger, another day it felt as if my shoulder was dislocated and on and on. My vision keeps worsening. I feel like God is punishing me but I don’t know why. I have to go back to work. My daughter does next to nothing even though she sees I can’t do much in my current state. She’ll be a senior in college next month. I hoped she would take classes online so she could stay at home with me. Nope, wants all the senior activities. I’m sorry. I know it must sound like all I can do is whine, but I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I just want to die.

 

Lost, please tell me your name and that of
your husband. That's the first step in the
healing process . I'm glad you are still
with us on GIC. The more you reveal,
the more we can help you. As I said before.mywife,of 25 yrs, no children, died over 3
&a half yrs ago. Linda was 68, and I had
to see a grief counselor, bc I had
suicidal thoughts. She suggested GIC,
& I joined a year ago. Lou

 

You don’t come across as someone whining. You come across as someone struggling and in pain. I’m so sorry you’re having all these health issues on too of the loss of your husband. I’m sorry your daughter isn’t changing her plans to be there for you. When my Dad passed many years ago, the stress of losing him brought on health issues for me. After more tests and doctor visits then I could list I was finally diagnosed with RA. After losing my husband Ron I got some worse. Stress affects us many ways. I also questioned what did I do wrong to lose my soul mate who cared for me with so much love. And then I changed to what did Ron do to have his life cut so short. We all through these questions. Truth is we haven’t done anything wrong, God needed them, it was their time. But way too early. It takes time but you’ll get stronger, I’m not sure there’s such a thing as healing from this, but we do get stronger. I’m so sorry you have to go back to work. I know TX is very hot right now but try to get fresh air. Try to goer out of the house. It might not feel like it helps but it does. This site is here for you to voice what’s bothering you. I’m glad you’re doing that. Baby steps, one day one hour or one moment at a time. Holding in your emotions or what’s going on in in your mind is not healthy. We’re here for you. Robin

 

Doug and Susan

 

Thank you very much, Susan. That's a
big step. It is also good to honor Doug. Lou

 

Dear Susan I am so sorry you are in so much physical and emotional pain now. That is what grief does to all of us. I didn’t know if I wanted to keep living either. I stumbled forward with half a brain for 5 months. 75% of Friends and family abandon us during loss. They aren’t being bad they just don’t know what to say or do for us. What I read is that we are supposed to tell our friends and family what we need and expect from them. I never accomplished that though. Muster all the power you can and be extra gentle and kind to yourself. When our bodies are stressed the brain dumps an excess of adrenaline and cortisone into our system and the body can’t process it fast enough and that causes health problems pain and depression. It causes memory loss too and we refer to that as the foggy widow/widower brain. I increased my antidepressant and pain medicine. I’m 15 months into this miserable grief journey and off antidepressants and sleep meds. It takes a lot of time. This is the hardest thing you will ever do but you don’t have to do it alone. Google the site centerforloss.com. Read 6 needs of the mourner. This will explain the shock and confusion people go through from grief. If you stay here you are going to feel a part of the group and get support understanding and love. I’m glad you figured out how to navigate the site. I’m sending you a virtual hug and positive thoughts and encouragement. Be extra extra gentle and kind to yourself. Gary

 

Susan, this is Karen. Some good advice here and it's proven with me that this site has helped me more than I know. I can get on this forum and say anything. It's not whining it's what's in your heart, what you are thinking. You may be feeling desperation, nowhere to go, no hope. We truly understand, we really do. Stay with us. God bless you, K
P. S. I too, for many months, wanted to die and be with my Jack. I felt there is no more life for me here. I didn't take care of myself and didn't care. Now I'm paying the price physically and mentally. But, I didn't care and nothing would of changed that -- at the time. You worth taking care of yourself the best way you can.

 

Thank you. I read the 6 needs. With time, I hope I can move forward. Right now, not quite 30 days in, I’m cycling between fog, intense pain and flood of memories, bawling my head off and back to fog. I’m guessing the fog is my brain temporarily relieving the pain. Right now, it still doesn’t seem real. On 6/29, my husband wasn’t feeling well and stayed home. I went to work. When he didn’t answer my texts/phone calls, I went back home. I’m the one who found his lifeless body. I reached out and confirmed what I already knew..he was gone. I could hear my screams echo through the house. That moment, reaching out to touch him, feeling the stiffness, knowing instantly that my life had been shattered, and my screams just repeat again and again like a horrible nightmare. I used to pray every day. Now, I see no point in it.

 

Oh, God, Susan, your horrific experience
of finding Doug's lifeless body, sent chills
down my spine. Would you be open to
seeing a grief counselor? When my
wife collapsed in front of me, in her
room at the rehab / nursing home, I
was having suicidal thoughts. & went to
a kind psychiatric nurse practitioner/
grief counselor. She suggested GIC, but
I didn't join until a year ago. Lou
.

 

With time, I’m sure I’ll need some type of counseling/therapy, Right now, I’m on 4 meds for the stroke, 1 for anxiety,1 for depression. I’ve suffered from depression my entire life so that’s nothing new although I didn’t take any meds. I personally don’t believe I have the right to take my own life but I’m just splitting hairs…I would gladly curl up in a ball and simply waste away. But, I have a 22 yr old daughter…. I can’t just exit.

 

Susan, thank you for your honesty about
taking medication for your anxiety and
depression. As I've said to The Grief
Warriors (TGW) here, I've taken meds
for manic depression ( now called
bipolar disorder) for more than half my
life. When Linda fell in a weird position
on the edge of her bed, I couldn't get that
horrible image out of my head. I suffered
PTSD, & my manic depression magnified
the horror. Linda died right before
Thanksgiving, 2018. I went to the ER
voluntarily , and was put in a taxi to
a small psychiatric unit. I woke up to
see other clients, with depression, manic
depression, drug & alcohol addictions, etc.
We had counselor led groups & we cared
about each other. We sat at a table and
had a turkey dinner. Bc I had no family or
friends , this group was my family for 5
nights. Upon discharge, I met with the
grief counselor. She kindly suggested
2 books on grief: Permission to Mourn,
by Tom Zuba, and The Widower's Notebook, a memoir , by Jonathan
Santlofer. I recommended them to my
friends on GIC. When you're ready, you
can take a look at them. I'm so glad you
decided to stay with us. I have to keep a
consistent sleep schedule , of early to bed,
early to rise, in the summer, so I'll sign off
now, at 10pm, my time, on the coast of
Massachusetts. Look forward to "talking"
with you again, soon. Lou

 

Hi Lou. My name is Pamela and I recently lost my husband of 41 years. I am also Bi-polar and am struggling with the loss. Also lost my father in 2020 so it's been rough for a couple of years. No family or friends to distract me......how do you get thru it?

 

I'm struggling to find a reason to live anymore

 

Dear Susan, I really feel for you, I know that now, there are no words that I can say to make you feel better, but believe me, talking with us here will help you along your journey, don't make my mistake of repressing your feelings, denial. It's important to let out all your sorrow,
and if you feel up to it, you could find a good personal grief counseller to talk to. I relate to you, as I also have a son and daughter in their twenties, and I feel I have to 'pick myself up' for their sakes. Your daughter will give you the strength and reason to help you get through this, she is grieving too, in her own way. I understand you are disappointed that she hasn't chosen to study from home, that's probably how she feels at the moment, she has also received a shock like you, in time, she may have second thoughts and decide she also needs to be close to you. Our friends here have been comforting you so warmly, making you feel at home here, like they have done with me. We are all with you.

Sending you a big hug.
Rose

 

Understand your pain. Lost my husband of 41 years on 7/2 and feel the same way. The nights are the worst and I don't know if I'll get thru it.

 

Pam, your post about having manic
depression ( a phrase I prefer, over bipolar), hit me in the chest. I happened to
wake up in the middle of the night, got on
GIC, and found you. Thank you for being
brave to say your name and to
reveal your mental illness, like mine. May
I ask your husbamd's name? I looked up
your profile, and saw that you're 10 years
younger than I am, and from West Virginia, the first person on here from that
state. My wife, Linda, and I got married
( first time for both of us) in Las Vegas, in
our mid 40s. We didn't invite our parents,
bc they didn't share in our happiness.
The only people at our wedding were the
minister & photographer. My wife had one
blind spot. After our wedding, we came
back to help her parents, in Massachusetts,
instead of putting ourselves first. We made
bad financial decisions , had no friends, and my manic depression got worse, despite my meds, bc of the stress. Due to
both her blind spot, and my mental illness,
we ended up living in our car. We drove
down to Florida to escape the winter. Linda worked as a waitress, but I was in no
condition to find a job. We had to drive
back to Massachusetts. On our way, our
car broke down---- in your state, and we
had to take a bus to Boston. It was a
nightmare of living in homeless shelters,
with some bad people. When Linda died,
I was consumed with guilt that if only
Linda had married someone else, she
would've had an easier life. The grief
counselor had to guide me . All I did was
weep. I couldn't sleep, which as you know,
is the worst for people like us with manic
depression. She said I should take over the
counter Melatonin, which is non addictive,
and helped me relax enough to sleep for a few hours. I no longer felt suicidal. I'm so
glad you found us on GIC. I call us The
Grief Warriors ( TGW), bc we leave no one
alone on the battlefield of grief. Look forward to reading your posts and your
replies to different threads. Lou

 

I feel for you but it sounds like you at least found love. Due to my bi-polar, I take my meds and they help a lot. I also need to take sleeping pills. We struggled to make ends meet with 2 kids but we always managed to have what we needed....I just miss him so much.

 

My husband loved me completely in spite of my issues. He supported me in any task I undertook. He gave me confidence and taught me to love myself. I wish I had told him this before he passed

 

Pam, I'm glad you take your meds and
sleeping pills. Do you see your children
often? I think it would've been easier,
and more comforting, to have a child,
who would be a grow up, now, to help me
with my loneliness. I am open to having
a female companion. When Linda became
ill, she wanted that for me. Lou