So lonly

Karen,

I wish so much I could get together with you in person... share stories together, cry together, maybe share a few laughs together too... Sending you another one of those biggest hugs... Just as you're missing Jack more, I'm missing Bob more too. Grieving SUCKS!!!

I want to keep on "talking" to you, but really need to get a walk in. I really have to force myself to walk today, but when I'm at my very worst, is when I need to walk the most. I want to come back here later, finish this conversation. I hope I remember. I HATE!!! this widow foggy brain thing!!!, TU!!!

Before I go, backing up a bit, when I first read Gary's line welcoming us to Mr. Grief's amusement park, I smiled at first, then got teary eyed. Gary's description is the absolute best one I've heard yet!!!, TU!!! I HATE!!! this seemingly endless roller coaster ride of emotions..., TU!!! I need to get it moving upwards again, I've been stuck at the bottom of it for way too long. So sorry, as I keep telling Lou, TU is way past stale... If it was a slice of bread, by now I would have broken a tooth, attempting to take a bite out of it.

Sending lots more hugs and love to you and Rambo, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I feel so lonely too without my beloved. I never saw it before, but now through prayers, I look back & see perfectly how God has brought us together. All this time I hadn’t seen it. God is helping me so much. I talk to Him all the time, & told Him “I shouldn’t be lonely cause you are there for me, but Lord I am still so lonely” I leave this in His Hands✝️

 

Rollercoaster of emotions is right! It’s so difficult. Writing to my sweetheart helps me, telling him how I feel

 

Well, you got me to smile with your comment, way past stale. Perfect. Deb I think you're too hard on yourself. It hasn't been that long since Bob passed, you need more time, and more time to heal and more time. I'm not coming from experience, god knows I'm still a mess--I have realized Mr. Grief will be a part of my life and hopefully, someday, we all can leave the amusement park for some peace and contentment with some kind of a "new" life and cherish our memories in our hearts until God takes us to be with our love one.
But, on the flip side of the coin, it's so weird, unbelievable, shocking that Jack is not with me in our house. You would think in one year I would have accepted his passing, but no. I'm stuck from moving on. Roller coaster stop and let me off. Hope your day is going okay, Karen

 

Karen,

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, but I've been MIA for almost two days. Yesterday I was way past emotionally and physically exhausted, and when I woke up this morning, Mr. Grief was right there, waiting for me... I got out of bed super late, and knew if I didn't get out of the house, Mr. Grief would be right beside me the entire day. I ended up spending the entire afternoon outside, did some much needed yard work, even around here, the leaves just keep on falling..., talked with some of my neighbors who were also doing the same thing, and took a short walk. It helped because it was a beautiful, warm day, filled with sunshine. I felt so much better... until I stepped inside my front door. There he was, Mr. Grief, already waiting for me.

I wish I had something more positive to say today, but all I can say, is that this just SUCKS BIG TIME!!! (Of course I thought it, but didn't say it.) I have to believe that Mr. Grief will not only lead all of us to the exit of his twisted amusement park, but also open the gate, and watch all of us walk outside, to freedom... However, even outside of Mr. Grief's amusement park, life will always be so bittersweet... As I said a moment ago, it just SUCKS BIG TIME!!!

I thought about what you said, me being too hard on myself, and you're right. I know I need to tell myself the same things I tell TGW, my friend who lost her husband before we lost Jack and Bob, who lives a couple blocks away from me, but I've always been this way, always much harder on myself, expecting more from myself than I'm capable of doing. I'm going to work on this because I know I make things worse for myself than they have to be. I don't think I've fully accepted that I'm not as far along in this miserable journey as I want to be. I need to accept this, and be much easier on myself. Thank you for reminding me of this.

I also think you are being too hard on yourself. I know you already know this, but try to keep in mind that there is no timeline for moving forward. You are doing the very best you possibly can to build a new life for yourself. Although it was way beyond difficult for you to do, you visited "home," for your daughter. I know you were in unimaginable pain after that trip, but still you tried. You had Thanksgiving dinner with your family, the people who you are most comfortable with. I know Jack is proud of you not only for being brave enough to travel "home," but for celebrating Thanksgiving, even if it was anything but a celebration for you... You are doing the best you can to move forward, Mr. Grief just isn't ready to let go of his firm grip on you (yet.)

You have said many times that it's gotten worse for you the more time that goes by. You are going through the absolute worst part, stuck deep inside Mr. Grief's twisted amusement park. Although I haven't been dealing with this total heartbreak as long as you have, from what Robin has said many times, and others too, it gets worse before it begins to get better. Even though you don't think you're making any progress, you are healing. It's just that it's happening so slowly, it's hard for you to realize this.

Stopping here before I really begin rambling on and on and on, etc., etc., etc.

As always, sending you and Rambo lots of love and hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

P.S. I agree that someday God will take us to be with Jack and Bob again. However, I think we both have lots to accomplish in life before this happens. God has a plan for us, the reason I believe we're still here. And as I say so often, I sound like a broken record, I don't think the reason we're still here is just to be miserable for the rest of our lives.

P.S.S. I hope you're able to get some quality sleep tonight...

 

Patience for all of us. We want to move on quickly because grief is painful to say the least, but we can't control Mr. Grief. I think I expect things to move faster so I don't have to cry and be in pain all the time, but that's my impatience that I was born with all my life. My Dad always said, "Patience is a virtue". I was never patient and it has cost me all my life bad decisions. So, now's my chance to learn patience with this awful trial to go through.

 

Hi, I lost my husband almost months ago. It seems like yesterday. I have regrets, sadness and remember good times. I had one dream shortly after he passed. It showed him standing, talking, around our family. I stood up and said "look at him he's talking and standing"
When I woke up I felt God was showing me that he's like brand new again.
I just want to say I feel the pain of loosing a spouse. Loosing my parents felt different. My heart hurt for them but didn't break. My heart is broken now.

 

Hi this is Paulette I just posted about loosing my husband. It was almost 6 months ago. I'm feeling worse now
I'm lost and lonely.

 

Hi Christine, I sure feel the same way. I have my children and 10 grandchildren, good friends but I still miss my husband so much.
Who else can we talk with as with our soulmate, our confidant or love? We were married 42 years, we were married young too, I was 18 and he was 21. Then he passed away unexpectedly (even to my Dr’s surprise cause he had had a physical checkup 2 months before) and very suddenly.
That summer we often talked and laughed as still being on our honeymoon. It’s been 4 years and I still feel so lonely.
You are sure not alone feeling lonely Christine.

 

Hi, Paulette. Wish I didn't have to, but
welcome to Grief in Common ( GIC). So
sorry to hear about the death of your
husband & lifelong soulmate. May I ask
his name? Sometimes it helps to share
here. My name is Lou, about your age.
My wife. Linda, died suddenly in front
of me at 68, after 25 years of marriage,
no children. That was 3 years ago, right
before Thanksgiving. I still cry for Linda
every morning before I walk outside. I also
have occasional dreams about my wife. My
salvation is living by the ocean, on the
northern coast of Massachusetts. Did I
see you live in Idaho? I hope it's not too
isolated for you. Way back in my 20s, I
remember seeing beautiful Coeur D'alene
Lake. Do you live near that? GIC is a
very kind site. Right now, we have 5 widows. 2 of them, Karen and Stacey, both
from California, just wrote to you. I'm the
oldest of 3 "brothers", widowers. We check
on each other every morning. Also, if I wake up in the night, I can sometimes find
Karen, Stacey, or Bernadine ( "Countess
Joy") from Oregon, bc of the 3 hour time
difference. Hope you stay with us,
Paulette. I call us The Grief Warriors (TGW). Lou
,

 

Hi Paulette
Your dream sounds like it might have been helpful for you?
I’m sorry to hear you say your heart is broken.
My mom died 9 years ago.
My partner, Kenn died 6 weeks ago.
You are right, it feels so very different.
I’m Bernadine.

 

Paulette, may I ask what part of Idaho do you live? My daughter and myself are looking into Idaho for a possibility to move from Calif. If you do not wish to answer I truly understand at this point. 6 months is so new for a loss it's still shocking. I'm so glad you are with us on this forum. We are all bonded in this journey with Mr. Grief as we call it. This is such a safe place to be and vent. Bless you Paulette. Karen

 

Thank you, Karen, for reaching out to
Paulette again. I had gone to Idaho, with
a buddy, when we were in our 20s, and I
remember a beautiful lake, Coeur D'alene.
I asked Paulette if she were near that. I
introduced myself, and told her Linda's
name, and asked for her husband's. I'm
about the same age as Paulette. I really
hope she answers us. We could help her,
in her more recent mourning. Lou

 

Yes, I hope she answers too. I think we all remember our loss at 6 months and every month beyond, where we were in our head, the progression of Mr. Grief's changes, and more changes, and more, never leaving us alone. But, someday Mr. Grief will be in our background still with us forever, but more quiet and calm.

 

Karen, crashed early, & just woke up to
see your beautiful words: "still with us
forever, but more quiet and calm" . That's exactly how I feel 3 years after Linda's
death. But, as Gary put it, sometimes Mr.
Grief "pulls up a chair" unexpectedly. It
happened yesterday. I was at a cafe, at
lunchtime, and the pianist played a sad,
romantic song, and my eyes filled with
tears. I was sitting alone, at a small table,
and no one saw me. Later, when I put
money in his tip jar, I thanked him &
joked that I wished I had not given up
playing piano ( classical) when I was 15.
I was in awe that he could play all these
songs without sheets. Come to find out, he
had just moved here, and was renting a
small house ---- on my street. Had I not
put myself out there, I never would have
known that. Lou

 

Yes, Mr. Grief pulls up a chair and I think it will happen the rest of our lives.
I also wished I'd continued with my piano lessons, I can't read a note now. Another friend, the piano player. One never knows what's around the corner.

I had a bad day on Friday. You know how it is when you wake up and are in a bad mood all day and can't shake it off. I just couldn't figure it out what triggered it. Maybe grief in one's subconscious. I wasn't teary or emotional just moody and crabby--I even yelled at my cat, Rambo when he wanted attention. That's my complaint for the day. I'm better today. Going to another winery with my daughter and sit in the sun in their gazebo with complimentary soup.

Lou, hope you're having a good afternoon. It's 9:45 and I'm still in my robe, what-the-heck. K

 

Karen, the pianist said a kind thing, that
my piano knowledge was still in my head.
l used to play a slow, sad prelude
by Chopin, and my teacher was impressed
with my soft touch & soul. Now, I can
appreciate ANY piano music, and good
music in general, when I'm not crying.
You are funny when you acknowledge
that you can be "crabby" ( & impatient),
and even yelled at your cat. I understand,
bc I can be the same way. Hope you have
a relaxing time with Trish at the winery.
You deserve it ! Lou

 

Yes, I do live in Boise Idaho. We moved here from Virginia 13 years ago when my husband retired. Our youngest daughter was pregnant with our youngest grandson. I don't feel isolated here at all. Boise is a little big city. They have everything here one would need and so much more. Ada County is a very desirable place to live right now. The growth and the housing market are unbelievable. I am an Army brat my husband a navy brat. He was a Vietnam combat-related purple heart recipient, retired from the USAR as a Colonel. He also retired from the Department of Defense as a GS-14 out of the Pentagon. We had lived in Atlanta,( Ft Mcpherson) 3 States in Germany (11.5 years) Tacoma Washington ( Ft Lewis) We have 2 daughters and 5 grandsons.
Thank you to everyone who has welcomed me to the Grief in Common group. I'm not good at messaging or pouring out my feelings to others even with family. For some reason, I am feeling my loss more now. I am constantly ruminating about things that just pop into my head. I feel as if others think I should move on and get over it. My heart will always be scared.
This weekend, 18 December was the National Laying of Wreaths at all State Veteran Cemeteries. It was a beautiful and emotional event.

Paulette