So lonly

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by christine 36, Nov 2, 2019.

  1. christine 36

    christine 36 Active Member

    Hi Robin
    Sorry yesterday was tough for you, I have never met anyone who understands
    and thinks the same way I do, you seem to say the words I am thinking , So you are an animal lover as well, I had a beautiful cat that absolutely adored my husband and visa versa, I even bought him to the hospital so he could see him,
    It was an amazing experience The kitty walked up to my husband’s face and just stared at him George gave him a pet then the kitty walked to the end of the bed and curled up and went to sleep for an hour, if you knew my cat you wouldn’t have believed it because Sasha (my cat) never does that it was Amazing,
    Sadly my little cat got very sick in March
    And I had to put him down it was so heartbreaking , I loved him so much as he was a part of George to me, So after Sasha was gone I really felt alone, I am glad you at least have your little dog it’s sad as well when your animals miss the person that has gone my cat used to find anything of Georges and lay on it, it was so sad, Anyway lovely to hear from you,
    Talk again soon
    Christine ❤️
  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hi Christine,
    What a nice compliment, saying I say the right things. I think it’s because we had such wonderful husbands and marriages and longevity. We think the same. I love your story about taking your cat to the hospital. Warms my heart! Yes, I am an animal lover. Ron found my dachshund (Ted) after our last one passed. He set us up to go to the breeder and see him, it was all a surprise for me. The day my husband passed he felt so sick he was laying in the bathroom floor and I couldn’t keep Ted away from him. Wanted to walk on him and lick him. Ted sniffs my husbands shoes regularly. I don’t know about you. But I’ve kept many of the things where my husband put them down for the last time. Including where he last took his shoes off. So Ted sniffs them. He’s always been very attached to me but even more so now. Cries when I leave him. Makes me sad. I feel so bad your cat had to be put down. That’s heart breaking. Maybe you should look into finding another beautiful cat. Your relationship with your husband seems so close to what I had with Ron. So I feel I can say without a doubt, your George would want you get another cat, a friend for you to hold. Just a thought.
    I wish I could go out for walks like you mention you do. Afraid my arthritis makes it difficult. Ron and used to go on walks and take ted depending on where we’re going. I also inherited a large fish tank that I’m struggling with. I’ve lost some fish sadly. Don’t know what I’ll do if they all die. Can’t think about it. I’m trying to do things I’ve never done and other things I’m not strong enough to do. As I e mentioned we did everything together so I know how he did most things cause I was by his side, so that’s makes things harder cause I picture him doing things but easier but thankfully we did everything together.
    Look forward to your post. You also say the things I need to hear. It’s cray.
    Robin ❤️
  3. christine 36

    christine 36 Active Member

    Hi Robin
    The only thing wrong with being connected is we live so far away from each other, I know we would be friends and I would be able help you with stuff , I think you are a bit younger than me but I don’t look or feel my age so i’ve Been told haha, Actually Robin I do have another cat, She belonged to my niece but she couldn’t keep her for many reasons so she begged me to take her, this was shortly after George passed away, I really didn’t want another cat because I had Sasha and I didn’t think it fair to bring a strange adult cat into the house, so I said No, besides I was already so stressed and crazy dealing with the loss of my husband, So a few months later my Niece started begging me again so this time I said yes because I felt so sorry for the poor cat, there is a lot more to this story but it’s to hard to write, Anyway I got the cat her name is SnowB she has been with me for two years, Sasha and her didn’t really like each other but they tolerated each other so it was OK , Of course I have grown to love SnowB but it’s not the same as Sasha , He was such a special little cat and I miss him soooo much!! Another loss I had to bare, I am glad you have Ted as I am sure he is s great comfort to you, I don’t understand why bad things happen to good people it’s just not fare,
    Where exactly do you live, You never know maybe I can come and visit one day,
    Sending you a hug
    Christine ❤️
  4. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    So I wrote a whole answer and it disappeared. I’ll try to rewrite it, that’s frustrating. I usually see what I’ve written gets saved often. Ugh that didn’t happen.
    I agree we would be friends and go get coffee, be each other’s support etc. as far as age, I feel it’s just a number. There are days I feel 50. If I didn’t have arthritis I’d feel much younger all the time. Usually sitting still I feel great. The business Ron and I operated was an auto upholstery business. I was sewing about six hours a day that’s very therapeutic for my hands. We made cushions and straps for therapeutic exercise machines and that’s what I sewed and created daily. I miss going to work with my husband. We had a great life. People say I should keep sewing and I will eventually but I’m not feeling it right now. Plus I brought so many things home from our business I need to clean some of that up. It’s hard to go through those things.
    I understand your feelings on the cat, it must have been difficult bringing a new pet into your life so soon after losing your husband I’m thankful for ted, he’s always been so well behaved but he’s been acting out some. Chewing on cords and things, when he’s left home alone. I think I spent too much time with him and now he’s needs me by his side. He checks on me often. And now I have music play and give him a little treat when I leave him. He seems to be doing better.
    I had more written but I’m forgetting and need to get ready to meet up with my daughter.
    This link should show you NY. I live on Long Island that’s the red fish like shape you see. Hope it opens for you.


    Take Care, Robin
  5. christine 36

    christine 36 Active Member

    Hi Robin
    We seemed to have lost touch again, how are you coping with this craziness that’s going on, I hear the virus is really bad in New York how is it in your area, It’s really bad in Vancouver as well not anywhere the same as New York because we don’t have that many people living here as the USA but still it’s bad, everything is closed except Grocery stores, Pharmacy’s and the Dollar Stores
    Restaurants are take out only, I am basically staying home other than Grocery shopping We can’t visit anyone so it’s getting pretty lonely as if losing our husbands wasn’t enough my kids phone everyday and I keep in touch with my friends but it’s not the same, You are younger than me so your risk is a bit lower I think unless your immune system is compromised, which it may be because you have Rheumatoid Arthritis
    So sorry if I am wrong, Anyway just thought I would write to see how you are
    I am missing George more than ever, he would make this so much easier to handle as I am sure Ron would for you,
    Please let me know how you are,
    Love Christine xxxxxxxxx
  6. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hi Christine, This situation has me feeling worse, like you mentioned I feel the need for Ron so much more. He’d keep me calm and this loneliness is overshelming.
    I’m going to finish writing in our inbox conversations. Hope you don’t mind
    Love Robin XXX
  7. christine 36

    christine 36 Active Member

    Hi Robin
    It’s been so long against each we have been in touch Hope your ok, I am not doing too good at the moment
    Miss you my George so much again, one day I feel I am doing a little better then everything just comes rushing back and I am so sad again, I just want him back, I don’t think this pain will ever go away And you probably feel the same, Plus what’s going on in the world with this virus isn’t helping, Anyway hope you get this message, please let me know love Christine xxxxxx
  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Hi Christine,
    So good to hear from you! I was feeling concerned about you. I had written you a couple times in the inbox.
    I’m glad your not sick hope your family is doing ok too Sorry you’re having a rough time. This social distancing from this virus is certainly causing some steps backwards as we try to move forward. In NY things are slowly, very slowly starting to open again. Our numbers are becoming less, they’re less then when we first were put on quarantine. Yesterday my brother invited me and my daughter for a Memorial Day bbq. We decided to go. We haven’t seen them in months and they’ve been careful. It felt so nice to see them in person. Being around people, and my brother catered to me, he wouldn’t let me help with anything. He seems to understand what I’m going through plus I’m walking with a cane because of arthritis. I know I’d be doing fine if Ron was here going through the social distancing, I do miss him terribly but I’m working on the memorial garden I made last year and making it different adding perennials, last year I used a wild flower seed pack that Ron had bought me, all I had the energy for. This year I going in a totally different direction. I hope you’re able to find things to help you stay busy. I’m best if I can be outside, our weather is finally turning warm and less rain.
    Hope to hear back
    Love Robin xxxx
  9. KM-2020

    KM-2020 New Member

    Hi Christine - I am new to all of this, so I hope I am posting this right. I lost my husband of 48 years, just 12 weeks ago. He had a heart & lung condition for quite a while, but it was just in the last year that his health really starting to decline, so his death was not unexpected. Not that it makes losing him any easier because I don't think I could ever have prepared myself for this - the loneliness is overwhelming and the anguish can be crushing. What stuck me about your post - I was 17 when we married and he was 21!! so I understand exactly how you must be feeling! Can you even remember a time without him? I still wake up and expect him to be next to me. John was my world and I am struggling. I miss "US" if that makes sense. He was everything to me and our lives revolved around each other and I struggle each day trying to figure out HOW to live without him. I don't think I have had one day where I have not cried since he died. Making it more difficult is that he died within days of the "stay-at-home" order from our governor, so from the day he died, I have been alone 95% of the time. We never had children so the only family is on my side - a sister and her grown kids. Because of the pandemic - we could not have a funeral or even a memorial service, so there was no gathering of family, other than my sister. All of her kids live out of state and they too were under a stay at home order, so communication has been limited to phone calls, emails and text messages. So the last 12 weeks have been very surreal. I miss him so much and so fully understand how you feel - on one hand I am grateful for the wonderful 48 years we did have and then I get angry and start crying that it wasn't supposed to end like this. I was not ready (are we ever) to let him go and I am still not. I miss everything about him - the sharing of something I just read; or laughing at something on TV or just talking about nothing as you are getting ready for bed. At this point I try not to think too far into the future because "the future" just fills me with more anxiety. Most of my family- specifically my sister, cannot relate to what I am going through. I don't think most people can relate, unless they have been thru it themselves. What makes this even harder is that I can see how it is affecting my relationship with her - we have always been close, but she does not understand the roller coaster of emotions that I have on a given day and gets offended if her suggestions on how to "make my life better" is not received enthusiastically. She means well, but she is the kind of person who wants to "fix" everything and gets very annoyed if her recommendations for "fixing" the situation is not well received. She does not hear me when I try to tell her that this is something she can't fix - that it is something I need to try to get through. To her - helping is physically doing something. Fortunately, I have a niece-in-law (not sure that is really the correct designation - she is my nephew's wife, so we are not related by blood) who has been my angel and someone that I can talk to, just wish she were not 7 hours away! Have you found the support group to be of any help? I am hoping that at some point, things will open up more and there will be more in-person groups. I have not joined any support groups - somehow joining a virtual group just seemed weird.
  10. Gaby

    Gaby Member

    I sure do feel the same way, and totally understand how you feel. It’s been 4 years for me, and it still hurts. We were sole mates, married 42 years (I got married at 19) and in love with each other, even more than when we got married, which we never thought that would be possible.
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  11. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Hi Gaby, my heart feels all that you, and all others here are
    going through. Only us that have lost our beloved husband
    or wife can fully understand. Finding GIC site has been a
    Blessing, ( I finally searched for an online grief support
    group two years after Jack passed and joined) so many folks
    have helped me to understand myself better, by reading what
    others are feeling and going through.
    It was 11-7-16 that God called y my Dear Jack to Heaven after
    24 years of Parkinson’s , ( I was 54, he 57 at time he was
    diagnosed, I Totally took care of him at home day and night his
    last nine years ( after he fell suffered a brain injury).
    The memories of his last nine years
    were so embedded in my mind , that has gotten better now
    and can remember all the wonderful life we had , I still
    cry every morning and think of him through out each
    and every day. He was my life, I was 17 when we met,
    we were one throughout our marriage, (Blessed 61 years)
    I call out to God through the difficult times, my
    Faith in God gives me the strength I need to push on , till
    God in His timing , calls me to Heaven. Life has been very
    lonely, Jack was a gift to me from God.
    Prayers you are doing better Gaby. Blessings, Patti
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  12. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Patti, I looked for your posts and couldn't find it to wish you a good Thanksgiving Day. I think you mentioned you were going to be alone. I hope the holiday was okay for you. I spent it with my daughter, sister and brother-in-law here at my house. I have to say I really wanted to be alone, honestly. When they gave the blessing at the table I broke down in tears and had to leave the table momentarily. Then I got an anxiety attack. I was okay and everyone was so nice and didn't cater to me, they were just sad. They knew why I broke down. Enough Patti, I didn't mean to get into this. But, I'm very glad Thanksgiving is over with for a year.

    Your history with Jack is interesting, keeping the faith is all we have. Blessings. Karen
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  13. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Hi Karen, sending you GREAT BIG HUGS, I
    too will be glad when the holidays are over.
    I haven’t been out for eight days, some sort of
    flu virus, still coughing , etc., left feeling very
    weak. Just not me, I’ll be glad to get back to
    my outdoor three mile daily long walks
    mornings and evenings.
    I’ve still had problems getting into GIC hope
    this posts to you.
    Hugs, continued prayers for you and all others.
    Blessings, Patti
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  14. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Patti, sorry you are not feeling well, it will pass but not nice. Yes, I got this post, thank you.
  15. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    In your other post you asked how my arm is and am I moving. My arm will probably take months yet. If I don't exercise it it gets stiff.
    Moving, someday, but don't know where. Thanks for asking, K
  16. Patti 61

    Patti 61 Guest

    Hi Karen, so glad you saw my post, am sorry about your arm, it
    takes longtime to heal, and so painful after being immobilizes for
    lengthy time. Prayers it will completely heal.I know how you feel
    about moving. I many times wish I’d remained in our home, it is
    what it is now, am making the best of it. All the wonderful
    memories with Jack prior to his illness surround me , taking
    me back in time together at home. Those latter years are easing
    up somewhat am thankful to say, praying they keeps doing so.
    I’ll call Dr. Monday, not bouncing back on this virus it’s heck
    being alone, Please keep in touch.
    Big hug, prayers.
    Blessings, Patti
  17. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Patti, you may just need some meds to kick this virus. Yes, I'm alone too and it's a whole different life. Faith in God is a must. Take care, Karen
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  18. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I hope you see this, I didn't know where to stick it. I'm so sorry you haven't been feeling well... I hope that you're feeling much better this afternoon, but if not, I hope you can see your doctor today, or least do one of those virtual visits. I agree with Karen, you might need some meds to kick whatever you have to the curb.

    It made me smile knowing that now you're able to think of all the beautiful, special memories before Jack got sick, and not just the way beyond sad, horrific memories that followed, especially during those last nine years. This is such a positive step forward!!! Lou said something to me this morning that I want to share. He said we are the BOG (boxers of grief), getting knocked down to the mat frequently by Mr. Grief, but always getting up again, determined to live, pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, and move on. (He didn't use these exact words, but I don't think he will mind the way I said it here.)

    Mr. Grief will always be within striking distance, but, and this is one of those very BIG BUTS!!!, I think all those wonderful, beautiful memories of the life you and Jack shared prior to his illness, plus your strong faith in God, will keep you fighting Mr. Grief as hard as you can, getting back on your feet, no matter how many times he knocks you down, not letting Mr. Grief get the best of you for too long. To repeat what I've said at least a couple of times already, I wish so much... that this Christmas, I could wave a magic wand, give every one of TGW, every member of GIC, one perfect day... A day filled with only joy.

    Please continue to take the very best care of yourself you possibly can. As always, keeping you in my daily prayers...

    Sending you and JayCee lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
  19. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I read your messages to Patti, and am sending you the biggest hug... I'm so sorry that this Thanksgiving was so difficult for you, but I'm glad your family supported you in the way you needed to be supported this year. My eyes got watery at the table when one of my friend's friends gave the blessing before enjoying a delicious Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't fall apart to the point where I needed to step away for a few minutes, but I think that it is partly because I didn't know everyone there. If I had been surrounded by only those who I'm closest to, things probably would have turned out differently. I know as soon as I pick my son up at the airport on Christmas Eve, as soon as he puts his bags down, and we hug each other, I'm going to be a total emotional train wreck... I know those floodgates are going to open... no way to stop those tears... If and when you want/need to "talk," I will be here to "listen...," give you a "virtual" shoulder to lean on.

    I'm sorry it's taking so long for your arm to heal. It must be very frustrating... I hope by now, if not totally, it's mostly pain free. Off subject, but as far as moving, like you, I will be moving someday but have no idea where. I'm taking your advice and not rushing into anything. I'm not planning to visit "home," until I'm feeling much stronger. I'm sorry you had such a difficult time when you went back to visit, and am so grateful that you shared how you felt with me. It helps me so much, being able to "talk" to you, to Patti, Lou, and Robin, who have been experiencing this absolute misery longer than I have. I've learned so much from all of you.... I'm so very grateful to be able to come here and receive so much support... Stopping here, I know I'm beginning to ramble!!!, TU!!!

    Just like I told Patti, you are always in my prayers too...

    Sending lots more hugs to you and Rambo, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  20. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Deb, such a nice reply, thank you. As far as moving or making ANY decisions in life it's the old saying, "Follow your Instincts". I have ignored my instincts many times thinking I know better, but to find out I was wrong. Another phrase, "If you don't know what to do, do nothing". So, as frustrating for me not knowing where to move to or when I'm going to wait for the sign.
    And I know you will know when it's time to visit home. I think our instincts are God speaking to us and many times we ignore them. Don't you think so?

    For some reason the 1 year anniversary's holidays are so much more emotional than I ever expected. I'm just putting out minimal decorations only for my daughter's sake. As a grown woman she still needs her sock filled.

    Another reason, Mr. Grief has taken a detour from route 66 to some other road, meaning my grieving is changing not for the better, but just changing course. I'm all of a sudden feeling very insecure, I don't feel comfortable out in the world but I know I must force myself to get out and start living. I'm missing Jack more and more not less and less. Lou seems to be healing well and that gives us hope.

    Gary said something funny, I think it was, Mr. Grief is having fun in the amusement park, or something like that. So very true.

    You will have a very special memory with your son during the Christmas holidays, very special. I will be going with you in spirit, blessings, Karen
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