So Alone

i had no idea at this time last year it wuld be like this.

 

what is tuttam ?

 

Bruce, glad you asked. My good
friend, DEB, comes up with
funny expressions to lighten our
understably dark mood of grief
for our soulmates. Her initials
represent " Total
Understatement to the Absolute
Max" , which she uses for
emphasis. It's really good to see
you "talking" with Deb, George,
and others. Sometimes, if I'm
too tired to reply, I add "LIKE" to
a post, to show I'm reading them.
Hope you sleep well tonight,
Bruce. Lou

 

Lou, I'm doing that at the moment, just putting "likes", as I'm particularly mentally tired this month, I think I've mentioned why. Mr Grief has a real hold on me, I'm on autopilot, can't think, can't function, a "zombie" really, feeling extra sorry for myself. Waking up to reading all your posts has given me a boost to "get off of my axxxx" and get a move on. Sorry Deb, I just HAD to steal that great expression you used in a recent post, it's perfect!
I will now go and fetch my mosquito spray pump and spray repellent all over my front and back yards, so I can at least get some nature therapy, even if it's only in the early mornings, going through another 100s heatwave! Out here in the country we're a bit better off than those who live in town and I'm not complaining actually, I prefer this extreme weather to that extremely dreadful rainy Summer we had last year.

A peaceful night to all my friends.
Rose.

 

Yeah just don't look. Valerie's last wish for me was to be happy... I feel like such a failure in this!

 

George, like Valerie's words to
you about trying to be happy,
Linda made me promise to try
to do the same. I know it's
extremely hot & humid for you to walk outside your door, but I
think you'll feel better when you
can.I recall that after you moved
to your new place, you enjoyed
walking the neighborhood. Sadly, you didn't have more time
to enjoy it, bc your son moved
out of state, leaving you alone
with no one with whom to talk.
Though not in person, there's
always someone here ready to
"talk" with you. Brother Lou

 

i am not happy. worried yep

 

Again I thank you for reaching out to me... You deal with adversity with a lot of energy and stamina! I do not know what is wrong with me the past month! I can't shake this eternal brain fog and so much anxiety. It is shutting me down! Unfortunately I cannot be shut down cuz I have too many hard and nasty and messy responsibilities now living on my own. I feel totally paralyzed and freak out about doing anything. I should do stuff. I won't let myself do stuff! Everything is just too exhausting and scary. I feel like such a hopeless mess!

 

Thanks man... I am not doing good! At least it cooled off. The heat was miserable. I just don't have the energy and enthusiasm to walk much lately. Glad to know I have a Bro in you! Thanks!

 

I'm trying to pull myself together today... not working! It was bitchin' but you did the right thing!

 

geo call me tonite after 9 ok ?

 

9 your time or mine?

 

how come nobody send me hugs. i need one,

 

I would give you a million hugz... sending them now!

 

I feel like such a F*d up mess! I'm so tired of this!

 

I HATE the way I had to watch her DIE! No one gets it, I feel. I don't think sudden death is any fun either! I watched her suffer for 2 and a half years! I'm so done with everything. I have no-one, no friends (except GIC GWs) , no love, no life! I watched her go from a fun cranky vibrant person into a NOTHING! Evil black Kancer Vomit in endless pails all night. I'd rub her back and say silly things to her... I miss her so Much! I am full of self-pity and self-hate because of this. It is DEEPLY rooted.. Therapists don't know shit! I am sick of endless fkng platitudes! NO ONE CARES! or gets my lacerated heart (except fellow GWS).

 

George, I fell asleep after dinner,
& just woke up at 9:30, my time,
and read your anguished cry. I
am so very sorry. You will get no
platitudes from me . Strange
thing is that right before I
collapsed into bed, I had a sharp
pain of shoulda guilt. Should I
have acted sooner, when it
was Linda , who collapsed, then
soon died?I thought about it,
and know that if I were the one who saw Linda's lips turn blue,
and not answer me, like the
nurses did in the end, I would be
so horrified that I couldn't live
with myself. I know you think
grief counselors suck, and many
do. But, I was lucky to have an
empathetic one. She said the
important thing is that Linda
knew I loved her, and was with
her. As hellish as it was, deep
down somewhere, Valerie knew
that about you, too. Now, I have to take my pills , bc I still want
to live. Will be "talking" with you
again soon. Brother Lou

 

Thanks LouBro... I am trying so hard to pull myself together... In a way I can't help but feel it was all my fault because I was a sucky husband.. I know this is crazy! But deep inside me this will not go away... Talked to Bruce.. It really helps me to talk on the phone. I really hate texting I realize!! Found a place with Live music within walking distance. Too chickenShit to go yet. They have Open Mike and Art nights.. of course at dialysis times! But I'm too chickenShit to go anyway! I Suk! Thanks Bro... glad you are there for me! I feel so alone...

 

Eating a can of Chicken and Dumplins.. I Think about the Homemade C&D I used to get from Valerie!

 

George. Just woke up from weird dream, in which I was fighting
with people I didn't lnow. As
usual, I checked GIC and was
pleased you responded to me.
2 things struck me:1st, please
go to Open Mic.You have nothing to lose, and it may take you out of your doldrums for a while ,
and 2nd, I miss Linda's cooking.
too, but she taught me one thing
which I do. She'd be proud of
me. Other times , I say screw it,
and make a tuna or PB&J
sandwich. Now,back to sleep.
Hope you can , too. Bro Lou