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Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Rob67, May 15, 2020.

  1. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    I LOVE it! There is no limit to the rituals we can create, no right or wrong way to honor and remember the person we loved. Some quality friends there. When is the date?
     
    Sue M likes this.
  2. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Resized_20210422_115216.jpeg We are getting together on May 22 I did take a half day to go to the cemetery on the 18 yr anniversary also which is May 26

    The shirt came today...
     
    alwaysme likes this.
  3. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    086C7303-56D7-49A1-B630-CDDFB4395213.jpeg
     
    Sue M likes this.
  4. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Oh my God I just need to vent. I can’t stand this. It’s been 9 months since I learned he died, and he’s on my mind constantly. I have a dull ache in my heart. I don’t think there is anything wrong with me for going through this strange grieving process, but I feel completely alone. I no longer feel I can share this experience with anyone so I keep it to myself.

    I’m angry that I will never be able to talk to him. I had reached some acceptance with the fact that I never connected with him again while he was still alive, but all acceptance is gone and I am filled with regret.

    I am always looking to the next opportunity to take a day to visit his grave.

    The connection with his sister was so precious to me and she stopped responding to my emails so I feel like she didn’t like something I said or like I was bothering her. I printed all the emails and am saving them at work for now so my husband doesn’t come across them. I deleted them from our devices. The secrecy from my husband is bothering me.

    I got in touch with an old friend from 30 years ago who knew us when we were together, and I just feel like I’m constantly reaching for connections, when the connection I really want is to talk to him again. I’ve been looking at his nephew’s Twitter posts and got back on Facebook with a fake name so I can look at his old Facebook page and also click on his friends to see what I can find out.

    I’m really hurting these days. I’m heartbroken, angry, frustrated, and sad.
     
  5. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I think maybe its hard for his sister to think or talk about. I'm sure its not you personally. I know we want to reach for anything that can.bring us as close as possible to them. The cemetery brings peace. It's cause that's the closest we can get. Emotions go from sadness to super pissed off. I wish I could give you a hug , but at least I can be here for you. This is our safe place for one another ❤
     
  6. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member


    Wanted to check on you today.. how are you doing??
     
  7. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I am just seeing your response. I used to get an email when one of you would post on this thread.

    I’m okay. Im better during the day at work when I’m busy with others. Then when there is a pause in the day, it all comes to the forefront of my mind again.

    I’ve been starting my day with spiritual readings, and just this week started asking my Higher Power to guide me in ways to accept. Then I sit still and listen for the guidance. Then I write down what comes to me. This is what came to me Saturday through this morning:
    You’re doing well
    Keep doing what you’re doing
    He’ll always be there
    In your heart
    It will hurt sometimes
    That’s okay
    I hold you
    In my arms
    Cry when you need to
    Know that you are loved
    I know
    I know it hurts
    Walk with Me
    Stay close

    I really appreciate the opportunity to vent and share on this thread. It means the world to me. I’m so glad I found you.
     
  8. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Those words are very comforting. I am glad you found something to help you. I dont get the emails anymore either, so I just check on here often. I wish we lived by eachother (I am in IL) we are so similar in our thoughts.
     
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  9. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    I’m at it again. Making decisions to engage in activities that end up hurting me. I contacted an old friend who knew me and my boyfriend when we were together. We have been catching up through email correspondence and I let him know that my boyfriend died. I’ve enjoyed connecting with him, and Reading his memories of that time has been fun, but also painful. I know my motive for contacting him was mostly to talk about him, which is probably selfish. It also hurts, doesn’t help.
     
  10. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I think it may help even though it hurts. Like a double edged sword Helps in the way of knowing everything we possibly can. Hearing memories that you may have forgotten and have more to remember. I think we like to "torture" ourselves because it at least makes us feel as close as we can to them. I do that with songs. Listen to them while its so hard, its the only thing left. I make up scenerios in my mind about running in to him, or if I went to knock on his door years ago, all the different outcomes that could have happened. I wouldnt say you are selfish at all. You guys were friends before so its good to catch up and hear any memories possible.
     
  11. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Thanks for that. You gave me food for thought and another way of looking at it. I can relate. I sometimes listen to a Pink Floyd song (Fearless), and as I’m singing along, I imagine myself singing it aloud to him through zoom while he was in the hospital. Haha, that’s so crazy!
     
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  12. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Thinking about you too! You have been quiet on here lately, just want to see how you have been doing? :)
     
    alwaysme likes this.
  13. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    I have also been wondering how you’re doing.
     
  14. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I miss you guys! Im going to the cemetery on the 22nd then the 26th I took a half day thats the day he passed away. Sometimes I feel Im getting better with dealing with it but lately not at all. Cant stop making up scenarios in my head, just miss him so much its hard to still realize he is gone even though I have been to the cemetery. Its so confusing, but you guys I bet get it!
     
  15. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    I already have your 2 cemetery dates on my calendar so I can remember to think of you those days. I was going to try to take off work on one of the same days to do a cemetery visit, but one is a Saturday and one is a Wednesday. My husband has off Wednesdays and neither one of us works weekends, so that won’t work. I am planning to take a day before the end of May. Know that I will be thinking of you while you are at the cemetery.

    I was just thinking today how there was a stretch awhile back when I felt a measure of acceptance and peace with it. I felt spiritually connected to him and grateful for the connections with you guys and with his sister. I was embracing the different emotions, dreams, and experiences I was having.

    Now it’s getting harder. The reality of not ever being able to talk to him or see him again hurts. Losing the connection with his sister is also a huge bummer. I’m trying to let go and be open to what the universe is giving me and believe that it will keep giving and providing ways for me to express grief and connect with him on a spiritual plane. The last letter I wrote to him, I told him maybe we can connect somehow and suggested a parallel universe because I thought he would be into that. Just this evening I imagined myself visiting him before he died (after not seeing him for 35 years) and saying “why did we break up?” half jokingly. We shared an imaginary laugh. Delusional.

    I’m sorry to hear you too are having a tough time lately. It helps to know I’m not alone and can be honest here with people who understand and are experiencing similar things. In addition to just relating to the pain and expressing my own, I try to be helpful to you which helps me. Thanks for being there.
     
    Sue M likes this.
  16. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member


    You are such a sweetheart! Thank you so much :) When I feel like I'm starting to accept it I don't want to, but I know I wont see him again in THIS life, but still hard to take it all in. I was thinking of his mom on Mothers Day too . I keep forgetting his family and friends grieved 18 years ago but its all still just a few months of myself finding out so my thoughts are all over the place. I did end up looking up his criminal record and there were alot of things from 1993-2000 Nothing the last 3 years of his life. Makes me think maybe he was trying to change, but he did OD so not so sure. Last I saw him was either 1992 or 1993 Im thinking 1992 drives me nuts I cant remember that. I stayed with him overnight at a hotel just as friends and cant remember any of it besides him telling me he must really like me if he wants me to stay without anything happening. Had hours of talking and its all blank. Sometimes I wonder why he stopped getting in touch with me. That part I think about alot. Im thinking maybe drugs got to him and he just didnt think about me anymore. He could have been in jail alot of that time too. I looked up his record in the first place hoping for a mugshot just to get a pic of him. None of what he did makes me feel any different about him. Just wish I knew he even remembered who I am
     
  17. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    [QUOTE="Sometimes I wonder why he stopped getting in touch with me. That part I think about alot. Im thinking maybe drugs got to him and he just didnt think about me anymore. He could have been in jail alot of that time too. I looked up his record in the first place hoping for a mugshot just to get a pic of him. None of what he did makes me feel any different about him. Just wish I knew he even remembered who I am[/QUOTE]

    When people get absorbed with something like drugs it becomes a bubble around them where nothing else exists.They lose touch with everyone in their life so they can singularly pursue their addiction. Everything else gets blocked out. This had nothing to do with you, or his feelings for you.
     
  18. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Rob! Nice to hear from you :) Yes I would agree. I mean I did stop thinking about him for years but would always look for him but the internet wasnt what it is now. I did look for him on inmate.com never found him so assumed he was just a good guy who moved on with his life. To me he never did me wrong so I never think anything bad of him.
     
  19. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    I’m sure he remembered you and you were always in his heart just like he was in yours. From what you said about him wanting to hang out with you even if nothing was going to happen, that makes me think he always remembered and cared about you.
     
  20. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Thank you for saying that :) Its all so confusing. Today I don't feel as sad so that makes me feel worse for not feeling as sad. Does that make sense?