Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Its amazing how much we are alike. I've bern doing that also. Him letting me know its ok. The time i knew him was so sporadic too, so i remember bits and pieces, I remember all the good times, its hard to believe it was only a couple years or so but feels like it was longer. Even though I have been to.the cemetery, I still cant believe it sometimes.

 

I use memories of Linda, based on my spotty 50 year memory, and I find that very comforting. I particularly remember her laughing at my jokes. Even to ones that are only a little funny. She had the cutest laugh. These memories of being with our loved one will always provide comfort.

 

I feel Ive been trying to keep my feelings under control this week, been thinking about him but not breaking down as much and I just saw DMX (He is a famous rapper from the 90s) just died today from an OD. I wasnt a big fan but I know its going to be everywhere on the news . I dont know how Mike passed, or from what and I hope it was in his sleep but hearing about this and seeing comments about it makes me think of him and it just made the tears come. I dont know anything about ODing I never used any drug like that and it just makes me so sad. I feel like Im torturing myself by thinking about it but I cant help it. Im planning on going to the cemetary again Sunday I just don't know how to feel better. I dont want to not think about him but sometimes it just hurts so much. Just needed to get this out I know you guys know what its like, especially knowing there is not a thing that can be done to change anything Im just so mad and sad

 

I’ve had moments where I thought about how he died and wondered if he was alone or if he had to call 911 (it sounded like he was alone), and I wish I could have helped him. I’ll never really know and it’s delusional for me to think I could have helped him.

Also, a lot of things make me think of him. I think of everything as relates him...mostly I look at dates and years from old photos and think what he was doing at that time. For example, I look back through my photos on my iPhone and iPad to see what I was doing on or near the day he died. Or I’ll think about the year he got married and think how it was a year after I stopped drinking and 3 years before I got married. He got divorced 3 years before he died.

As I said before, I have gone to the cemetery 3 times since August. It helps me to know I can go back. One time I went I drove by his old house. He had bought his house from his dad so it was the same house I had visited him in decades ago but I didn’t recognize anything about it which felt strange. Next time I go I may find a park nearby to visit and take a walk.

This loss really hurts, but my spirits are lifted by sharing and reading what you guys have to say.

 

I already said this. but again I could have wrote this! It amazed me how alike we are. Last weekend after the cemetery we drove to the neighborhood we spent our summers together. So many memories. it was so emotional. I just cant seem to get over the fact he lived 2 blocks away from 1994 til he passed in 2003. I got divorced in 99. Had a few years of misery, I could have tried to find him, but at that time I think I was afraid to try because I wasnt sure if he had ever joined a gang but I don't think he ever did. I hate that you can't go back. Sometimes even though I know its impossible, I think if I think hard enough , I was wrong and he is still around. Your mind really messes with you sometimes.

 

Just having someone to talk to has been the greatest source of emotion relief that I have had now. I don't have any physical places to visit, nor is there a grave. But I do have pictures and a lot of memories. I look at her pictures at least once a day, and I reminisce about the fun memories. I only knew her really for 2 years in high school, but there are plenty of things to remember.

 

I wish I could go back too. There are so many things that I could have done, with the experience and maturity that I have now, that would guaranteed a lifetime romance with her. And I would not have dumped her after high school so most likely she would not have hooked up with the older college professor who seems to have infected her with something. She might still be alive today. she would have notThere are called regrets, and I have dad them for 50 years, since the time I last saw her. A serious regret (and a bit of a stretch) .

But I battle off the regrets by some simple logic; there is nothing more stupid and useless than to fret about dumb and immature things I have done as a teenager 50 years ago. Then I reflect on raising my daughter, and the stupid and immature things she did as a teenager. And now 20 years later, she is a level headed adult. Those stupid things we did as a kid were normal. Everyone did them.

The better way of thinking about going back in time is to carry a note with me that says: "buy Microsoft and Apple in 1980".

 

That's Funny!. It is amazing how a couple of years affects us so much. I did reach out to an old friend of his again about the headstone. They answered me and once, but I think they ate done with it all, I get it. it was 18 yrs ago they dealt with it and knew about it, so Im letting it be. I wish I had a photo, someone sent me his 1st grade class pic. that was nice. I cant help imagining him when his friend daid he saw him in late 90s and didnt recognize him because he was really skinny and on something. When I knew him he was a bigger hefty guy, so trying to picture that drives me crazy. It makes no sense to keep trying, but Im really reaching for anything and there's nothing out there

 

What did your friend say about the headstone?

 

So funny and true! Thank you for this. We were all different when we were younger and we did the best we could (our loved ones included). I think it’s delusional to think I would be able to have a loving beautiful lasting relationship with him now since I am older and wiser. And yes, I am saying I myself am delusional because I have fantasized about this many times...how I would be more honest, be more giving, not take love for granted, be more responsible, etc. , and that is assuming he would be doing all those same things too.

Still we carry them in our hearts always, so we did something right.

 

I do occasionally reflect on the fact that I am presently in love with a 17 year old girl. That's how old she was when I saw her last. But that simply does not make any difference in my heart. She would be 66 now, and if I did not discover this tragedy that happened 38 years ago I don't know what kind of meeting we would have if we bumped into to each other. I think it would be warm and cordial, with a lot of "remember whens". But I think it would have ignited those old feelings as well, even though this love has sat dormant for five decades.

We do carry them in our hearts forever. This is what true love really is, and sadly, something I have no felt during all these decades since.

 

I agree with you. I think if we encountered them today the old feelings would be ignited in both of us, which is comforting and is also why it hurts so much. We are blessed to have known them and I am forever grateful that my path crossed with his.

I am going to hang on to your previous statement about beating ourselves up for things we did or didn’t do in the past. It would be like if I beat myself up for writing all those letters to him in 1983-85 when I could have just texted him.

 

Been sitting here at cemetery for an hour or so now. Had to come on here and read because its all I have. I feel so completely lost. Even though I know I wont see him again, I cant deal with thinking and knowing that. He was my person, at least to me. We better be able to see them.again when we pass. 2 years on and off and but feel like he was so much a big part of my life. Just needed to vent. This doesn't seem to get easier with time.

 

Just know you are not alone in this. I was just looking at Linda's picture and telling her I will always remember her, and that I still love her. I hope she can somehow receive that, but it is probably not likely. I don't know. It is way beyond our understanding in this puny 3 dimensional universe.

Sadly, we will never see them again on this Earth. But I have high hopes our souls will meet again. It has now been 16 months since I found out Linda died almost 40 years ago. I think I have been able to channel the pain into love. But I am still just as obsessed, if that is the right word. The shock of discovering this tragedy jolted me down to my core. But if I feel if I tried to forget her it would be disloyal.

All this means you are not screwed up. It means you have a tender heart.

 

Thank you, I needed to read your words. They help, they really do. It does feel better knowing I am not alone. Im so sorry it took so long for you to get replies on here when u posted last year. I am so glad I found you in here. ❤ We will see them when we go, somehow we will.

 

Sorry you were having such a hard time yesterday. I’ve been there. Not being able to stand the reality of never seeing him or talking to him again. The actual time you were with him has nothing to do with it. It’s the experience, the memory, and the love that is most real.

Rob67, I’m interested in hearing more about how you are channeling your pain into love.

I do think there is something way bigger than us at work in this universe, and I am opening myself up to spiritual ways of connecting with him.

I’m also planning to take a day off work within the next few weeks to visit the cemetery again.I continue to talk to him and ask him to help me.

 

As far as channeling the pain into love, I reflect on what Linda would want. I think she appreciates being remembered, but I know she would not want anyone suffering in such pain over her. She would be compassionate, and I think we all owe that to ourselves. Be compassionate for both myself and her when I remember her. I find that quite effective.

 

Ahhhh...nice. Yes. Thank you.

 

I broke down in front of my 2 friends at brunch the other day and they said it would be good for me maybe if we did a memorial service for him, just us 3. We are going to do that a week before his 18 yr passing date. I bought this for that day.
Just wanted to share with you

 

I think that is an outstanding idea. This should give you some relief.