Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

I feel that someone still should remember her daily. Since Linda died so long ago I may be the only one. It would be painful for a spouse the hear this. They would not be able to understand that this kind of gief does not reflect on our feelings for them. It it like we lost an important piece of our history.

 

I’m sorry you found out she died at such a young age so many years ago. That must be such a jarring feeling. I love that you are carrying her in your heart every day and keeping her memory alive in a way that others cannot. You are in a special (though painful) position to do so. The people we love remain in our hearts and live on inside of us forever. You must have really loved her , and I totally get how it seems like no time has gone by in terms of the feelings of love. I hope that somehow (on a spiritual plane) they know we are thinking of them.

 

She was without a doubt the love of my life. For nearly 5 decades I thought of her fondly, but also, that she represented a personal failure on my part. So I managed to push her down in my thoughts and would think of her fondly now and then, assuming she was getting on through life like the rest of us. But now,in retrospect, I was using my feelings for her as a sort of yardstick to measure my feelings for other girls with starting a relationship in mind. That went on until I was 32, when I finally realized that nobody was going to meet that standard, so I "settled". And I did not settle very well.

I found out that she had died one day on Facebook in December 2019. The instant I read that she passed way back in 1983, and that through almost 4 decades when I was wondering how she was going on with life, that she was actually dead all that time. It was like a sack of bricks fell on me, and the grief has been all consuming. Along with the regrets over my failed relationship with her and not at least keeping in touch with her as a friend after high school.

It is so wonderful now to have people to talk to. I think that was my #1 source of angst. Being alone in my grief, and thinking I must be nuts going through this kind of intense grief over someone I have not seen in 50 years.

 

I can relate to not being in touch with the feelings for decades. I honestly didn’t even know they were still there. I too thought fondly of him from time to time over the years but also went through months of not thinking of him at all. I am totally caught off guard by my emotional response... he’s on my mind constantly all day every day and when I wake up at night. In addition, an old jealousy resurfaced and I’m also strangely jealous of his ex-wife that I learned about. So that’s been fun. I was very insecure when I was with him, and we both drank too much so I guess when I remember the love I’m also remembering the insecurities and hurt feelings. I’ve had moments when I’m ok with this and bad moments like the past couple days.

I think we need to get to a place of acceptance like you said earlier, and that includes accepting who we are and were with all our past decisions. Also accepting this grief process and not judging ourselves for what we are experiencing. I don’t know your spiritual leanings but I pray almost daily to my higher power to walk with me through this pain and guide me in ways to accept what has transpired. Then I look to see what is being put in my path and listen for my higher power’s guidance. I write about it. Behaviors that make it worse are reading his old Facebook posts, googling his name and his ex wife’s name, etc. I try to be of service to those around me and be the best person I can, sometimes for him. I believe as hard as this is, and I can’t see an end to it, I will be guided to something better. I think you will too. You are helping me by sharing your grief.

 

I think that is the hardest part, not knowing for all these years they have not been around.

I did go to the cemetery and it did help, but on his gravestone it said Son-Brother He was an only child, even his chidhood friends said he was an only. Then, under his name it said " Forgive Eachother " That made me so sad and confused. We thought maybe something with his father. A friend of his said his dad killed himself after Mike died, but he died in 2000 and Mike died in 2003. It just made me so upset knowing he was going thru alot for them to actually put that on there. I feel that I let all my feelings out while I was there. It was horrible, yet I know I was by him. I went twice on Saturday with my friend then before I went home by myself. I just am really mad at death right now.

 

Yes part of the overwhelming emotions we feel about our loss is the shock of realizing that reality was not what we though it was. Its is like a major piece of our history was cut out and thrown away.

[QUOTE="I think we need to get to a place of acceptance like you said earlier, and that includes accepting who we are and were with all our past decisions. Also accepting this grief process and not judging ourselves for what we are experiencing. I don’t know your spiritual leanings but I pray almost daily to my higher power to walk with me through this pain and guide me in ways to accept what has transpired..[/QUOTE]

This acceptance is the key to "moving on", but it has been more that a year now and I just cannot accept it. I think because I pushed down my feelings for Linda 50 years ago. Actually during high school, when I realized we were not going to have a romantic relationship, and I actually fell in love with another girl named Donna. That did not work out either because I moved too slow. I think that although I did not realize it, my feelings for Linda were still there. But it was Donna a held a torch for after high school. The feelings for Liinda exploded the second I found out she died so long ago.

 

Yes I understand. Keep in mind that the misinformation you are seeing is from other people's recollection, which is a notoriously bad source for accurate information.

A lot of what I carry around right now is the outrage that this happened to poor, sweet Linda. I felt the same about my daughter after she passed. his anger is part of what comes with it. Why were these wonderful people given such a short life. It is just not fair. I have only sketchy information about Linda's life after high school that a got from a fellow classmate who is one of my Facebook friends. A lot of it does not add up. And I know there is much more to know. But the list of people I can get any information at all is very short. It seems like none of them kept in any close contact or friendship with Linda after graduation. This is frustrating, and very much stands in the way of accepting that Linda had died and being at peace with it.

 

Yes, trying to get info so many years later is so hard. Others have already gone through their grieving and either don't want it brought back up or do not remember. Yes, so many bad people are still around living their lives while the ones we love left us too soon. I did leave a card but I doubt anyone goes there, didnt see any flowers anywhere for any of the family and there seemed to be a lot of family there. I thought I would get some closure but even though seeing the grave makes it real, I cant let go. I think us thinking about them all the time shows they were our first love. We were very fortunate to have them enter ours lives and make that much of an impact to us that we never forget them.

 

I was listening to this, I think we all feel this way
Its sad, yet true. Madonna

 

I agree. We are blessed to have known them and they were blessed to have known us and for the special friendships we had.

I’m glad you felt close to him at his grave and I think you are honoring him by leaving a card. You don’t really know if anyone else visits. It’s hard to let go. For me right now it feels a bit like betrayal to let go but I will never forget him. I know it sucks that we can’t talk to them.

I’m thinking this is way too big for me to figure out myself and I need Gods help so I’m praying every day to be guided. I have to be patient and wait for answers and guidance. In the mean time, I try to be the best person I can and help others and be open and present to what is right in front of me.

Here is a poem I wrote while waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office:

Special Friend
You remain in my heart forever
I recall all the feelings good and bad
Love, bliss, jealousy and hurt

You are free my friend
Free from the box of space and time
I love you in that place

 

I think I am probably Linda's last standard bearer. Her parents would have to be nearly 100, so I am sure they are gone. Her sister, if she is still alive, would be in her late seventies. But if she is alive, like most of the other people Linda knew, this has likely been packed away in a box and stored on a shelf in the garage.

I don't think I will ever get more information about her, but even if I did, it would not lessen the tragedy.

Don't lose hope on that card. It might take a while, but it is very possible someone else will come calling. As for getting closure, due to the nature of how we discovered the tragedy, I don't think we ever will. The shock stays with us, and the grief will always be wrapped around it. But what we can do is come to terms with the grief and acknowledge it. And learn to live with it without being constantly in pain.

 

Yes, it does feel like I would be betraying her if I somehow pushed this grief away and tried to forget about her. We are feeling a lot of common emotions. We have the comfort of knowing we not crazy or abnormal people. Anyone else who is reading this and has experienced the same thing is welcome to join in. You are among friends here.

 

I cannot tell you how much I love talking to you and knowing anything I say you guys are there. Always me, I love that poem! Ive looked up if people that died know you are thinking of them and some things say yes so I read those, cause even though I don't think anyone really knows of course, it's nice to think they do. I was thinking about a medium, but I do not have anything of his to give them so I don't think that would help at all. I have to believe we will see them when our time comes. Closure never will happen for any of us I think and that is ok! I don't know if I would want to know more about what was going on with him towards the end. I am still really creeped out by the Forgive Eachother on the headstone. Maybe one of his parents had an affair cause he was an only child when I knew him and thats why it says brother on the gravestone. So many questions but no answers. That is the hard part, but really it wouldn't change anything if I knew more. Too many times Im doing the What Ifs. That does nothing but cause more heartache but its what we do in situations like this.

 

The experiences and emotions we are feeling are identical for all intents and purposes. And we all thought that we needed our heads candled because we are "abnormal". It is clear this is very common, particularly when we get the shock that this happened and we were not aware. The best thing a shrink could do is have the conversation we are having here. Maybe a local grief discussion group would be helpful. I don't know.

The one thing we have most in common is that time does not matter. In my case it is 49 years since I last saw Linda. That was 75% of my life ago. And she has been dead for 56% of my life (if you are a numbers freak like me). None of that matters, so trying to "beat down" our grief is useless. What I learned when I lost my daughter is that you don't try and rid yourself of this grief. You compartmentalize it and accept it. Since our emotions were clearly buried somewhere, and were forced to the surface when we received that initial shock, the same must be true with the grief we feel. You can't make it go away. My love for Linda was suppressed in the back of my mind for almost 50 years. We still love both their memory, and their soul. And I do believe that our souls will meet again. Nothing in nature is truly destroyed, it is simply transformed into something else. So will all move on to something else, which we mere mortals in this 3 dimensional universe cannot possibly perceive it.

I have no faith in mediums. I think they are charlatans, and the experience will intensify your grief. You do not need that. But I do believe that when we think of them and express our love and angst they can receive that in some way. But don't expect any communication the other way, at least the way we understand it. I don't think we can recognize it in our reality. But I do believe we can feel it. Sometimes, when Linda is in my thoughts and I express my love, grief and anguish, I get a sense that I am close to her somehow and that she is comforting me.

 

You will drive yourself crazy trying to guess what that inscription meant. There is no telling who wrote it and what it meant. Trying to figure it out would be based on pure speculation. My suggestion is to just concentrate on your relationship and love for him. Everything else, like the what ifs, are just noise. I go through those what ifs as well, and also, wanting to know more details on how Linda came to die at the age of 28 from liver cancer. And why her first diagnosis was partly the cause of a divorce. But then I ask myself; would Linda really want me to know all these details? She has been gone for 38 years, but she is still entitled to some privacy.

I think we are both better off concentrating on our own memories and experiences we had with them, with the main focus being our love.

 

Thank you! You are 100% right. Im sure some things no one wants other people to know, and just because we are curious doesn't make it our business. We knew the good things and what made us love them. Thats all we need to know.

Linda having cancer was part of the reason for her divorce? That is so sad.

 

I am wary of mediums as well. That being said, I never ever considered using one until now and actually looked some up on the internet the other day. I was shocked at the prices. The fact that they are most likely taking advantage of the fact that we would give anything to be able to talk to someone who died rubs me the wrong way and doesn’t seem genuine.

 

Yeah that is true. We can only feel the signs of them. Mike used to wear Drakkar I almost bought a bottle yesterday , was about to hit Buy Now and decided that would hurt to much, and I don't know why I'm trying to find things that will make it hurt more. I already am feeling like I am talking too much about him still to my friend so I am just going to talk on here. I only really feel comfortable talking on here now. I decided to go back to the cemetary on Sunday since I have some free time. 2 nights ago I was so upset about it all that I begged Mike to help me not hurt as much. Yesterday my insides were a little calmer and I didnt have a full breakdown finally, so to me, he is helping me. I have to believe it or I wont be able to feel any better at all. 2 months ago I found out and it still seems like I just found out and still feel shock.

 

It would not have been the cancer that caused the divorce. It would more likely be what caused it. A diagnosis that caused a split between her and her husband of 6 months would have had to been some kind of STD. My speculation is that an STD that could lead to liver cancer sounds more like hepatitis. The only other thing could be HIV, but in 1978 the medical community did not know much about it, or had the means to test for it. This is all speculation on my part. All I know is that she married her high school boyfriend five years after graduation. Between graduation and her marriage she went to college she started a relationship with one of the professors there (red flag). Then she went back to high school boyfriend after 2 years of college and married him in late 1977. By mid 1978 she got the diagnosis. Then the professor died and them she died in March 1983. So from that you can connect the dots.

This information is sketchy, and I did not want to pry with the source of this information because I think Linda still is entitled to some privacy. And it is this kind of thing that we need to let go of. The only relevant thing is she died 38 years ago. The same age as my daughter (Linda died 5 months before my daughter was born).

If we are going to be successful in accepting our grief and compartmentalizing it we need to pack these kind of details into the bottom of that compartment and focus on all the wonderful things our loved one had.

 

A friend suggested to me that I imagine him sitting beside me telling me it’s ok , and I tried that awhile ago and it did make me calmer inside. I can still hear the sound of his voice so I am able to imagine him speaking to me. I also found a guided meditation that takes me on a journey and allows me to bring something or someone with me, so I bring him with me. That is also a calming experience and helps me feel close to him. Thanks for reminding me to focus on the things that help and not indulge in the behaviors that hurt.