Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Here I am again, after almost 4 years of remembering and grieving for my dear friend that committed suicide. I thought I would describe my journey over these 4 years of finding out that someone I dated 45 years ago, committed suicide 33 years ago. First know, I am still remembering him daily. Every day...yes, every day. Even his sister would probably be surprised. I feel he must know in heaven, and he would probably be surprised too, how his being affected me. I wasn't meant to meet him I did not search....but suddenly he as there and I felt like I knew him forever and our friendship...love...whatever it was...was not new, but familiar. We only had a summer together and he had to go to the mountains and I had to follow my now husband to whole life far away. I reflect now on how I may not have been a great choice for my friend, even if we did end up together but then who knows? It wasn't written in the stars. He was a hiker, a bicyclist, a runner, a skier....I was a book reader, who sat at home writing poems. Our souls, however, recognized each other. He was just too good to be true. Part of my grief in this journey was the guilt that I ended it. He was moving but I was the one to say we couldn't see each other anymore. The guilt for hurting him, has taken all of these 4 years to forgive myself. After the excruciating grief ( that my husband accepted), I now can smile at his pictures, kindly given to me by his sister. I actually got rid of the 2 pictures I had of him because they churned my heart, but I eerily found one....how could that happen, in a sea of pictures of my life!! Today, I say hello and goodnight daily. I send flowers and wreaths to his grave...he was a vet. I no longer blame his very young girlfriend for emotionally abusing him and I pray for her too. The whole event of finding out he passed ( so random!!) and my deep, painful response has been life changing. I keep reminding myself, it is only love. Love is what I feel everyday.

 

Thanks for sharing what you have been experiencing since you found out about your lost love. On this topic in this thread, we all have one thing in common and that is the love we had and have for a long past love. Of course there are differences in our stories. In your case, you say that you ended that relationship. In my case, no one actually ended anything, but she seemed unattainable and my weak mind took an easier more readily available path. So you trying to forgive yourself for ending it, and I am beating myself up for giving up so soon and not pursuing and waiting to see what might have been. There is one other glaring difference between our two stories, unless I misunderstood. It seems that you have shared everything with your husband. Is that correct? I have not shared my story/feelings with anyone (save the one far removed person who did not respond and here on this board a month or two ago). As I mentioned in my last post, I have not shared out of embarrassment and fear of hurting anyone. You have bridged those concerns it seems in your situation.

 

No, my husband does not know the extent of my grief. He has not seen the folder of my writings over these years ,and I cry silently when alone. I had to tell him int beginning because my grief was so heavy. He knew when I was dating this man that summer because we had taken a break. When he saw how depressed I was, he kindly said he was glad there was someone there for me during that time. Other than a few mentions of him to my sister, I quietly carry his memory with me. I claim that summer and the memories as mine. I would never suppress them even if my husband was bothered. Thank God he is not. This love, this far reaching love is to be celebrated. I think of the few other men that I briefly dated, and I would not collapse if they passed. This man, however...too good to be true..............

 

Thanks for your reply. I am glad that by sharing some of that with your husband that there have been no negative repercussions. As I mentioned I have not shared and at my age and stage of life I will not do so with anyone close to me as I do not wish or see the point of possibly hurting anyone. As maybe you feel though, I do find it a bit of a lonely (and maybe some other kind of feeling I can't pinpoint) carrying this only with myself. I was glad that I came across this site as at least it is providing one form of release for us to share our emotions. Life is truly a roller coaster and as I have aged, it seems to have flown by. Heck, in a few months it will be 3 years since I found out about her passing. Sometimes, too, I find that this that is residing in the back of my brain makes it a tiny bit more difficult or irritating to deal with other life's challenges that crop up. Take care. Hopefully this outlets helps us.

 

A similar situation affecting me. A young woman I became friends with 40 years ago, who subsequently moved to Texas a couple years later. I never saw or spoke with her again except for a couple times, though she asked me to visit her often. But we were so young, and Texas was so far away. No internet, etc. I’ve kept some of her letters. Just found out she died in 2016 (age55) from liver disease due to alcoholism. She was divorced with no kids. I’m haunted by the thought that had I pursued a relationship, her life may have turned out different. My life has been good, with good career and wonderful family. It’s crazy to ponder this. I’ve told my adult daughter and she thinks I’m nuts to let this bother me. I dunno.

 

Well, all I can say is that your daughter is not going through the same thing as you. There are a number of people who have found this site and have decided to post their feelings. You have to assume that those people are such a tiny, tiny minority compared to those who have the same feelings but either never found this site or just not interested in sharing. From what I have read here, it may be quite normal for us to have these feelings.