Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Here I am again, after almost 4 years of remembering and grieving for my dear friend that committed suicide. I thought I would describe my journey over these 4 years of finding out that someone I dated 45 years ago, committed suicide 33 years ago. First know, I am still remembering him daily. Every day...yes, every day. Even his sister would probably be surprised. I feel he must know in heaven, and he would probably be surprised too, how his being affected me. I wasn't meant to meet him I did not search....but suddenly he as there and I felt like I knew him forever and our friendship...love...whatever it was...was not new, but familiar. We only had a summer together and he had to go to the mountains and I had to follow my now husband to whole life far away. I reflect now on how I may not have been a great choice for my friend, even if we did end up together but then who knows? It wasn't written in the stars. He was a hiker, a bicyclist, a runner, a skier....I was a book reader, who sat at home writing poems. Our souls, however, recognized each other. He was just too good to be true. Part of my grief in this journey was the guilt that I ended it. He was moving but I was the one to say we couldn't see each other anymore. The guilt for hurting him, has taken all of these 4 years to forgive myself. After the excruciating grief ( that my husband accepted), I now can smile at his pictures, kindly given to me by his sister. I actually got rid of the 2 pictures I had of him because they churned my heart, but I eerily found one....how could that happen, in a sea of pictures of my life!! Today, I say hello and goodnight daily. I send flowers and wreaths to his grave...he was a vet. I no longer blame his very young girlfriend for emotionally abusing him and I pray for her too. The whole event of finding out he passed ( so random!!) and my deep, painful response has been life changing. I keep reminding myself, it is only love. Love is what I feel everyday.