Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

It is helpful to know other people experience this type of grief. I thought there was something wrong with me at first. Still wish I could see him and talk to him. I too wish I could have been there for him in the end.

 

What kind of grief can affect us so profoundly, even after a long time? I appreciate you sharing your experiences with this specific type of grief.

Recently, I came across my ex while doing a random internet search and discovered that he is listed on NamUs as unclaimed. I felt compelled to claim him and learn more about his situation. Over the past week, I have been delving into this, and it’s heartbreaking to think that he was completely alone in the end.

Many memories that I hadn’t thought about in a long time have come flooding back. I’m beginning to understand these memories differently now, as an adult woman, than I did when I was younger. My mindset has changed significantly since then. I can’t help but wish I had known then what I know now. I’m uncertain about how to cope with this unusual grief, but I think sharing it here might be helpful. Thank you for responding to my post.

 

I had the same experience with memories surfacing. I relived all the times we spent together and the emotions that went with them. My wish if I could go back in time would be to be less self centered and scared. It helped me to write letters to him. I wrote a lot, just kept writing and writing and writing, sharing all my memories, regrets, desires, sharing all about my life since we last were together and my hopes and wishes for him. I was able to find his grave marker where his ashes are buried and I would drive 2 and a half hours to go read my letters at the grave. I went about 5 or 6 times the first year and have gone about once a year since. Maybe you could find a special place to go where you can “talk” to him and feel close to him. This website also helped. I shared a lot on here. I cried a lot. And I obsessively searched online for any pics or info I could find. I also made drawings and paintings and wrote poems. I feel your pain. I had nobody to talk to except people on here. I prayed a lot. I just honored what I was going through and allowed myself the time to grieve in my own way. And every now and then I’ll hear a song that reminds me of him or something like that and I feel like the universe is comforting me.

 

I came across this thread a few years ago. I only recently have thought about posting here. I suppose in a nutshell (although there have been many other impactful posts) I would say that posts by Rob67, then recently by sxdini and Sarah Moore seem to encapsulate the feelings I have. They are a combination of "what if" and a very strange (almost like no longer being interested in going on) feeling after learning that a person I had deep feelings for over 50 years ago passed away over 2 years ago. All those feelings I had never divulged to anyone. Not to family members or friends. Until finally a little over a year ago, with an old classmate that would occasionally (every year or three) email to catch up on news of friends health/passing, I decided to ask if I could spit something out that I had not ever mentioned to anyone. Well, I was told "sure go ahead" and it has now been more than a year since I did and I have not heard back. I am guessing (just as I mentioned in the email) that I must have appeared as a nut or something, scared them, and hence no return email.

I am not sure what this driving force was in me that was wanting me to speak to someone. I suppose I had over the years always daydreamed that I would be in a bar and would find a bartender with a sympathetic ear to one day relay my sad story to. But I don't go to bars. It was just something I would see in movies and could think of no one else to share with. I know it probably seems stupid and I am not sure what benefit I would get telling my story, but nearing the end of my life means either relaying it soon or taking it with me.

 

Oh, some will never understand. Actually, most will not understand. I can only say this here because all of you would understand, but I still think of my old boyfriend every day. I still cry at times. It has been 3 years and 7 months since I found out he committed suicide and I can still feel his soul. How could I have put all of these feelings away for over 40 years? I have pictures of my dear friend in my office. My husband understands because he has seen me grieve and understands that this was a very kind man that just so happened to date me. My husband once said, " I am glad that he was so kind to you.". My husband has been great but even he does not know the extent of my grief. I keep going over the scenario. I keep trying to save him. I still imagine laying on his grave and calling to him deep in the ground. Yes, that is how deep my sorrow is. That is how deep I feel..... The only good thing that has happened in all of this is that his sister is so glad to have found out someone loved and still loves him. He was a bit of a loner, but I loved that about him. I will put flowers again on his military grave this Memorial Day. It's the least I can do. I wish I could travel there and sit quietly in the grass to whisper my apologies. I know he hears me..............but I still cry..........

 

Hello I am so happy to have found this thread. 2 weeks ago I found out that my childhood sweetheart passed away 4 months ago. I came across his obituary by happenstance while trying to get the address for another school friend. I went into some kind of shock when I saw it and I now feel like my heart has been ripped out. I have been crying nonstop and I feel like I am in a fog and state of immense sadness,grief,despair, confusion and regret. Like Rob67 my reaction is surprising me since I've had no contact with this man since 1993 when I was 20. L and I grew up in a small town and went to a small gradeschool (k-8). From age 8 to 18 we were sweethearts,arch enemies,good friends and romantic interests in that order. We went on to different high schools but stayed in touch and would get together during summer breaks. After 10th grade he told me he loved me tried to kiss me and asked me to be his GF. He said I was the one and asked me to give him a chance. I froze I wanted to say yes and let him kiss me but I didn't and I don't know why and I regretted it immediately but I just kept saying I wanted to be good friends. He started to cry and things were never the same between us even though we continued to hang out in groups from time to time. He found a steady girlfriend in his HS and I found a few steady boyfriends in mine as well during our last 2 years in school. Right after our first year in college I ran into him and we decided to start going out just the 2 of us at first then in groups with friends. It was again purely platonic at first but then after an evening of drinking we became intimate for the first time after all those years. Then I never heard from him again. A few weeks after he disappeared I saw him driving around with a girl on top of him in his car and I knew it was over. 2 years later I saw him in the mall and he told me he dropped out of college and was getting married to that same girl I saw in the car. He seemed sad about it. That was the last time I saw him. Like Adam 69 none of my friends or family ever knew of the depth of my feelings for him so i had to act like i wasnt upset when he disappeared from my life even though I was distraught inside. Over time I put all those memories of him in a box and buried it deep in my closet. I thought of him fondly from time to time and always hoped to see him again but those were fleeting thoughts as i was busy with small children and life in general. When my son was a baby I heard he had fallen on hard times but I refused to believe it. A couple of years ago I ran into his parents and had a nice conversation with his mother. She told the first marriage didn't last too long and that he remarried and had 2 more kids the same age as mine. He lived a few hours away but came home often. I kept asking her tell him I said hi I gave her my address and told her to tell him to stop at my house when he was home. I must have seemed unhinged and I don't know if she ever told him because I never heard from him. Now he's gone. From seeing his pictures and the obit comments I believe he had many personal struggles and died alone. He looked unrecognizable and it seemed his life went downhill. He had been single for many years prior to his death. Im struggling to understand why this happened. I keep going back to when I was 15 and I couldn't say yes to be his girlfriend and how much ive regretted that because i loved him so much. I know logically I've had nothing to do with his adult life or decisions. I don't know if he even had thought about me one day or even remembered me at all since I last saw him but I still had so much love for him and I wish I could have helped him somehow. Thanks for listening

 

I suppose I feel like today is as good a day as any to relay my story. I will probably appear foolish or whatever. I think I will simply post what I had written a little over year ago to that old classmate (which I guess scared them away) and will X out names and places. I should have mentioned that I decided to tell my story to this old classmate because a number of years before they told me about an agonizing and depressing occurrence in their lives and I was asked to keep it in confidence.

"I have in my head gone over how I would tell someone my little thing hundreds of times but now when it comes time to share with you, I am sort of blank and can't recall all the things I wanted to say and how I was going to say them. I appreciate that you will keep this in confidence.

I fell deeply in love with a girl in my last year at XXX. Some I am sure would call it an infatuation or something. Not that I even spoke with her for most of that year. But I would sit in the lunch room with XXX XXXX and others (where they used to play ping pong) and watch her and a couple of her friends (usually all dressed in black) walk down the hall. Eventually one day I got up enough nerve to wait outside the school and watch where she went to go home. At that time she lived on the other side of XXX XXX on something like XXth or XXth Ave. We ended up talking and I walked her to her house. I still remember on that day as we started to cross a street a car zoomed down it and she grabbed my left arm to stop me. I could feel that touch on my arm for days. As I write this, I just got the sudden feeling that you are going to think I am crazy. Probably right but I was crazy about her. When I would pass her on the stairs at school my body would shake and my upper lip would twitch. Her name was XXX XXXX.

Somehow this thing matured, so after I went to XXX College, we wrote letters back and forth to each other. When I was home in XXXX on weekends we would talk on the phone. She was in the year behind us, so still at XXX. In the Spring of XX, like March I believe, she, a friend of hers and I went to the XXX XXXXX concert at the XXX. Then in May I believe (I had finished my first year at XXX and had come back to XXX) she skipped a day from school and for the first time came to my house and spent the whole day there. Both my parents worked and we were alone. We talked, actually kissed, I remember crying knowing that I probably would never have her.

That day one thing we talked about was that those matriculation exams were coming up for her and she said she was weak in most subjects but terrible in history. I said that I would come over to her place and tutor her. Anything if it meant being with her. Through a buddy I was set up to meet someone who might have some textbooks I would need. We met at XXX Park. I explained what I was looking for and why and how I was head over heels for a certain girl. Anyway, we talked and walked and she explained some of her life story. She lost her parents by the time she was 12. That affected me. We pretty much saw each other really from that day on. I am not sure if at the same time, that little stupid brain we men have below our belt was taking over and convinced my heart that this person was more on my level. Anyway I eventually married this girl and I have been faithful to her now for over 50 years of marriage.

I ended up seeing XXX on a couple more occasions, both times with my future wife - once on a double date and once at XXX’s house (she lived on XXX ST) for some reason.

Anyway I have thought about XXX virtually all of my life. One thought, is how people cherish that they may have memories over say 30 years but really you can only think of one thing at a time in your head. And so, even though my experiences with XXX were quite few, I still can think of her as much as someone with 30 years of memories. Yes many are the same ones over and over. And, sometimes, actually most times, it hurts to think about those memories and I have to stop for the moment.

Since the internet I would from time to time do a search for her. Only thing I came up with one time was that she signed a petition to "Save the Park" in XXXX. Anyway this past February I came across something that was like a dagger to my heart and I feel weird and can't describe it. I came across her obituary. She passed on XXX. 2, XXXX. Not much information given and it seemed as though there were no friends or whatever.

I know that I have come across numerous search results on line where people have similar situations (obviously not exactly the same) where they find out a prior girlfriend has passed.

I tried emailing her brother who used to have a landscaping service in XXX, to find out more about what happened and how her life turned out, but I never got a response.
This is her obituary: XXX

As a matter of fact, this morning as I was trying to get these links together to include, I for the first time came across the obituary of someone where XXX is listed as being his companion. Apparently he passed about 6 months or so before she did.

Although there are many songs that remind me or make me think of her, I guess if I had to pick 2 to sum up feelings I would select these.
This first one to show how I felt seeing and meeting her back in the day:



And then this one that sort of sums up what I feel now, especially after hearing of her passing:



I found information that in 2015 the last song was the most requested song used for Memorials. I suppose many feel like I. Another thing that is eery is that there are some people selling copies of XXX XXXX (XXX yearbook) for that year and the page they show is the page that she is on: XXXXX

Ok, now it is time for me to apologize for wasting your time with all this. Hopefully you didn't read all of it and trashed it well before this end. Not sure if this will make me feel any different after I hit send. Remember I have not shared this with anyone and would hope that this will stay with you. No problem if you have any questions though.

I do thank you though for being kind enough to let me write this out. None of us know when our time here will be up. Please take care."