Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

It is helpful to know other people experience this type of grief. I thought there was something wrong with me at first. Still wish I could see him and talk to him. I too wish I could have been there for him in the end.

 

What kind of grief can affect us so profoundly, even after a long time? I appreciate you sharing your experiences with this specific type of grief.

Recently, I came across my ex while doing a random internet search and discovered that he is listed on NamUs as unclaimed. I felt compelled to claim him and learn more about his situation. Over the past week, I have been delving into this, and it’s heartbreaking to think that he was completely alone in the end.

Many memories that I hadn’t thought about in a long time have come flooding back. I’m beginning to understand these memories differently now, as an adult woman, than I did when I was younger. My mindset has changed significantly since then. I can’t help but wish I had known then what I know now. I’m uncertain about how to cope with this unusual grief, but I think sharing it here might be helpful. Thank you for responding to my post.

 

I had the same experience with memories surfacing. I relived all the times we spent together and the emotions that went with them. My wish if I could go back in time would be to be less self centered and scared. It helped me to write letters to him. I wrote a lot, just kept writing and writing and writing, sharing all my memories, regrets, desires, sharing all about my life since we last were together and my hopes and wishes for him. I was able to find his grave marker where his ashes are buried and I would drive 2 and a half hours to go read my letters at the grave. I went about 5 or 6 times the first year and have gone about once a year since. Maybe you could find a special place to go where you can “talk” to him and feel close to him. This website also helped. I shared a lot on here. I cried a lot. And I obsessively searched online for any pics or info I could find. I also made drawings and paintings and wrote poems. I feel your pain. I had nobody to talk to except people on here. I prayed a lot. I just honored what I was going through and allowed myself the time to grieve in my own way. And every now and then I’ll hear a song that reminds me of him or something like that and I feel like the universe is comforting me.