Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Thank you for sharing your words and feelings, Rob. You really helped me today by reminding me to embrace and accept these feeling because they are not going away... I've realized how much energy I've used up waiting for an AHA moment where I could/would/should no longer feel these unwanted feelings.

Blessings to you during your journey.
~ Michael

 

OMG, I am so glad I found this post. Last night I was at an open mic night with my two daughters and I saw a guy who looked exactly like my first love. He looked like Josh did back when we were high school sweethearts. He even had the same mannerisms and was wearing a metal band T-shirt just like Josh used to wear. I kept staring at him because it was like looking at Josh back then-it was like I was thrown back in time. I even sent a Facebook message to Josh telling him I saw this guy. I have spoken a few times with Josh in messenger over the past few years. We were each other's first loves and have nothing but fond memories of each other. We haven't seen each other in over 39 years, when we were teenagers, but did speak those few times in messenger. I want to add that I have been happily married for 27 years and have 3 kids and he had been married and had kids as well-we talked about them. Well, when I got home from the open mic night, I decided to look him up on Google to see if I could find any pics from the past and I was absolutely gutted to find an obituary. He died in January this year. I felt so nauseous and had a really hard time sleeping last night. Even now, the next day, I feel completely gutted and heartbroken. Why is this hitting me so hard? I mentioned his passing to my husband as he knew about Josh being my first love, but I of course don't want to tell him I am this upset over Josh's death. Why am I feeling this way? It is like I lost a piece of my past and I just want to cry. I wish I had known when it happened as I surely would have gone to the service. Why am I so upset about a past love when I have a great husband whom I love?

 

Because you loved him and still love him, to this day. The love you have for your husband, family and present life do not replace an important person in your life. That former love has a special place in your heart and all your other loves, over the year, exist around him. I feel your angst. You are churning with all this emotions and memories of how he touched your life. You so wanted to share the moment when you saw " him", the him you loved, with him! What a wonderful thing to have someone in your past say..."hey, I just saw you last night..LOL" Except, now you can't do that. You can't share that one wonderful moment. There were words left on the table that now you cannot share. Oh, I know that sorrow! I have so many things that I cannot say to my friend. I have so much regret. The thought that keeps me going is this sadness, this devastation, is because I loved him. It is that simple! You loved him, you still love him and his loss is forever. You can't stop this feeling. Cry, stop and remember him, play that song, talk to him and say all those last minute things you wished you were able to say. I believe they hear us. Don't feel bad that you are heartbroken. That heartache is love..................

 

Thank you SO much for this response. It made me cry like a baby, but it felt good to hear that it is ok to feel this way and not disrespectful to my husband.

 

I am glad you are allowing yourself to cry. I expect you will cry off and on forever, and that is okay. I am almost 3 years into finding out my old love committed suicide. I have learned I am never going to get over "it", just carry my love and heartache forever. Don't expect others to understand but we do. Those here understand...

 

I’m sorry glad there are others who feel like I do. I recently found out an old boyfriend died in 2012. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t know what triggered me to think of him but when I did I searched any info about him & that’s how I found out about his death. We weren’t together for long. A few months at best. This was back in 1988. I met him after being dumped by another guy. He (not the dumper) was the sweetest guy ever. We had some great times. My ex ended up begging me to go back with him & like a dummy, I did. I can’t recall how I ended the relay with Jim but I know I hurt him. I ran into him a year later & he totally ignored me. That was the last time I saw him. I ended up getting dumped again by the same guy. Married, divorced, married again (still). He married 2 times both wives died prior to him dying. His death has been heavy on my heart & mind. I contacted the funeral home to see where he’s buried but he was cremated. I know he was in trouble with the law a few times, (researched this). He’s definitely the one who got away. I remember the first time I saw him. We were at a local dance club & the song “dreamin” by Vanessa Williams was playing & I was singing along & I caught him staring at me & smiling. So now all I do is listen to that song. I think I need help

 

You don't need help. You just need to let the grief be, within you. I know. Still after 3 1/2 years, I grieve for my friend. I am not going to sugar coat it. It is so painful having regret and not being able to change what happened. I keep going over in my mind, seeing him again and asking him to forgive me. I know I hurt him, and he was the most wonderful man. It is an ache I will never get over, but it does get better. I keep replaying my apology in my mind and hope and pray he hears it, wherever he is. My friend committed suicide so that adds to my guilt. Give your heart grace. You will realize he was meant to be in your life at that moment. That is all you were given.......those few months. Know in time, you will look at them as a wonderful gift. Forgive yourself and talk to him in the wind....

 

Thank you for your kind words. I think about him a lot. As you, I keep playing the same scenario in my mind. What if I didn’t go back to my ex back then. I look back on that and I cringe. If only….
I wrote him a letter telling him how I feel and it helped some. I wish he was earth side so I can tell him to his face. I wish he had a grave so I could visit him there. All I do is wish. I found a pix of him on his step sons Facebook page & he was with his 2nd wife. Seeing her didn’t bother me & he actually looked happy. I know she died in 2004 but I’m not sure of what. I’m not sure what he died of. My wife intuition is saying od or suicide. My daughter is friends with his daughter but I’m afraid to ask my daughter to ask her. Maybe deep down I don’t want to know. I believe in the afterlife and when it’s my turn I hope he’s there somewhere so I can see him again. I’ve heard people are in your life for a reason or a season. I guess he was in mine only for a season. I keep remembering tiny bits & pieces of our time together. I’ve always had him in the back of my mind, but for the life of me I don’t know what triggered me remembering and looking for him & finding out of his death. Could it have been him contacting me from the other side? I wish I knew.

 

It's funny how we have so many of the same experiences. I don't know what made me look for my old love but I found info on him just before the 29th anniversary of his suicide. I know I would not find him on FB but I searched for his sister ( who I never me...just remembered her name) and miraculously found her. She was so kind when I contacted her. She was so happy to find someone remembered her beloved brother. She sent me pictures and we talked a couple of times...I cried through the conversation. I sent flowers to his grave. I searched everything I could find, even the girl he was living with, who verbally and physically abused him. He was such a gentle, kind soul and she wasn't. It is so sad because he deserved more. I keep wondering how I found everything that I did unless he guided me. I am so lucky to have me him. I am so lucky to have loved him.

 

Yeah, it seems like we have a lot in common. That’s crazy. I’ve been thinking about contacting his sister. I never met a sister or any of his siblings. I’m kind of like afraid I don’t know what she would say or she would totally ignore my message. Not sure get this not in my stomach thinking about it, I don’t know what to do sweetheart sister was thank you for keeping her brother in your thoughts that’s awesome. If you don’t mind me asking how did you start the conversation with his sister so I might get the guts to message her some kind of an idea or not what to say , thank you I appreciate your kindness and your kind words

 

My message is nonsense

you’re such a sweetheart & I’m so happy I’m not the only one who’s going through this. I felt him all this afternoon (maybe wishful thinking) but when I came home from running around, the feeling disappeared.

 

The song Even Now by Barry manilow but is remade by Melinda Lindner reminds me so much of him.

“Even now, when I never hear your name & the world has changed so much since you’ve been gone. Even now I still remember & the feeling still the same and this pain inside of me goes on & on”

 

Hello! The night I found his sister's FB page, sharing the anniversary of her brother's suicide. I almost fell out of bed. I kept saying...oh no, oh no! I sent her a message and just told her I had just found out about " Tom's" death and I was so devastated to hear about it. I told her I had such wonderful memories of him and that he was such a kind and gentle man. She immediately thanked me for remembering him and since then, she has messaged me her appreciation. She will actually never know how much I grieved for him. It may seem crazy since he was only in my life 6 months, but I remember him with so much love. That is okay though. Time has reframed him and our time together, in my mind, in a new way. I suddenly feel lucky to have known him, lucky that he spent those days and moments with me. I hope I left an impression on him but I will never know. I have had signs and I take them with such gratitude. I would say , just do it. You have nothing to lose. I will add, my husband has been great and has allowed me to vent and grieve. That has helped a lot.

 

Thank You for the encouragement much appreciated. I sent his sister a message on messenger this morning and pretty much told her what you told your friends Sister. I haven’t heard back yet. Not sure if I will. We’ll see what happens. I did ask my daughter to look at his daughters Facebook page about his death, but she couldn’t find anything. Again, thank you for your encouragement now I have to play the waiting game.

 

I wish everyone from this thread was still here. Rob, I recently learned that an old love of mine passed away in 2008. He was a significant person in my life at that time, and discovering the news of his death and the circumstances surrounding it has caused me to grieve. I didn’t expect this to affect me so deeply after all these years. Your recounting of your experience with your high school love made me realize that I’m not alone in my feelings. It’s strange but undeniable—this grief is real.

I'm not sure what will happen from here, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. It was comforting to read what you and the others wrote. I will remember him and be grateful that he was part of my life. I wish I could have been there for him that day.