*DAYTIME AND EVENING GENERAL GRIEF GROUPS AVAILABLE EVERY WEEK* CLICK HERE TO JOIN US!

Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Rob67, May 15, 2020.

  1. Sarah Moore

    Sarah Moore Member

    I know this grief. It is a grief that others may not understand. Some may think you should be sad but to deeply grieve? Many don't get it. When I found out my friend, a man I date briefly, killed himself years later, I could not stop crying. I literally cried almost everyday for 2 years. I blamed myself but I was out of his world and married. I just hated myself that he suffered and I didn't know it. I would lie in bed and go to save him all the time. The guilt, the heaviness..... it is finally lifting after over 2 years. I know now, after all this time, it will never go away totally. Sometimes I still find the tears spilling out of my eyes but I let it happen because I know they mean I truly loved him. I hope, wherever his soul is, he knows this. I hope he knows how his being shifted my life and his death shifted it again. Remember grief is just the love we can no longer give them. It will lighten but it may never truly go away. Peace to you.
     
    MICHAEL2023 likes this.
  2. BobGrief2023

    BobGrief2023 Active Member

    I do not think there’s something wrong with you, I think she was a part of your life, she’s a friend or lover of you, it’s like you lose a part of your life. It sucks. Hope you get better soon.
     
  3. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    I have been strugglinng with this for the last 4 years since I started this thread. I have come to the conclusion that someone can make an indelible mark in your life that can't be erased. Not even in the 51 years since seeing them. And perhaps it does not need to be erased. In my case, this journey has led me to believe that remembering her is just the right thing to do.

    Anything that upsets that indelible mark can cause you great emotional stress and grief. Don't thiink there is somethiing wrong with you. It means you are human, with a loving heart.
     
  4. Pinky

    Pinky Member

    Rob, I feel your agony.
    I was in love with my guy Iain in 1973 and he loved me. I was 23 he was 30 years old. I adored him but I was young and stupid and didn’t deserve a great guy like him, I hurt him terribly and I told a mutual friend I was pregnant and having an abortion, I knew it would get back to him. I wasn’t pregnant, he showed up at my place and asked me not to abort his baby, he would raise it. I said no. I still remember him sitting in the chair asking to please not abort. He never talked to me again. I should have told him the truth but I just lied straight to his face. He never knew I lied.
    My dad died I moved away to be near my mom, I married had a child, divorced, moved around a lot, remarried, divorced him. I sporadically looked for Iain but could never find him. For many years we didn’t have cell phones we had linelines and phone books where you could have an unlisted number. Then we had internet, I looked but couldn’t find him, then we had cell phones and impossible to find numbers. He may have looked for me but I had married surnames. Decades went by without knowing where he was, he has a very common last name which made it harder to find.
    Last week, I woke up and before I opened my eyes I had this uncontrollable need to find him, after all these years he finally came to me. Fifty years have passed. I spend 10 hours that day trying to find him and 10 hours the following day. I found his wife’s obituary, she died in 2011. I had the library search for him and they found his obituary. He died 4 years ago.He had no family, his parents gone, only child and no children of his own and no will. A friend claimed his body after the cremation scattered his ashes, I found this out from the Public Guardian and Trustee in Vancouver. The case worker couldn’t tell me anything more than that. I have no idea who his friends were and no one to talk to about him. I need closure. I cry all day every day, I ask him to forgive me and I tell him I’m sorry. I think he has forgiven me or why would he come to me and tell me to look for him, but the grief, regret and guilt eat away at all hours. I just wish I had tried harder years ago, if I had seen his wife’s obituary maybe I could have gone to the funeral, maybe we could have spent the last 13 years together….so many maybe’s and what if’s. He was the best guy ever, never raised his voice and he was a gentle giant who gave the best hugs.
    Rob, I know how you are feeling even though our circumstances are very different. I’m told I need to forgive myself because I can’t change the past but how do I forgive myself for hurting this wonderful man who only wanted to love me and his child. I can’t.
     
  5. Jen80

    Jen80 New Member

    It's crazy how we still love someone so much after so much time. So many of us are in the same boat. Take your time and grieve. People may not understand but you are not alone. Many of us have had a past love that we disconnected with, then years pass and we find out that they are no long here. It is really hard, I didn't realize how much I loved my person until 20 plus years later. When I found out he had passed away, it nearly broke me. I don't know why it just did. I had been living my little life, I wanted to find my old friend, then bam. They had passed away before I had even settled down. Perhaps it hurts so much because of they way things could have been. Maybe it's because I never was there for him when he was suffering from cancer and I feel as though I should have been. I didn't realize what a special place he had in my heart. It sucks but you just have to face it and grieve. I have a good life, I great spouse but it still broke my heart and messed with my head for months. I understand where you are coming from. Please just take the time you need and you will be OK. It taught me alot I no longer take any relationship for granted.
     
  6. Sarah Moore

    Sarah Moore Member

     
  7. Sarah Moore

    Sarah Moore Member

    I know your grief. I feel your grief. I found this site over 2 1/2 yrs ago when I thought I was crazy to miss a man I only knew 6 months and hadn't seen in 41 years. This is a repeat of something I posted above...."I know this grief. It is a grief that others may not understand. Some may think you should be sad but to deeply grieve? Many don't get it. When I found out my friend, a man I date briefly, killed himself years later, I could not stop crying. I literally cried almost everyday for 2 years. I blamed myself but I was out of his world and married. I just hated myself that he suffered and I didn't know it. I would lie in bed and go to save him all the time. The guilt, the heaviness..... it is finally lifting after over 2 years. I know now, after all this time, it will never go away totally. Sometimes I still find the tears spilling out of my eyes but I let it happen because I know they mean I truly loved him. I hope, wherever his soul is, he knows this. I hope he knows how his being shifted my life and his death shifted it again. Remember grief is just the love we can no longer give them. It will lighten but it may never truly go away. Peace to you." Guess what? My sorrow has not gone away. I still think of him, cry about him, wish I didn't hurt him, hope he hears and feels my tears. The heartache is not as crushing but sometimes it is. The guilt comes and goes. I pray he hears my words. I hope there is more to all of this than end of life in silence. I hope our loved ones are hearing our words and forgiving the pain we caused them. I wish you peace....
     
    Pinky and alwaysme like this.
  8. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    “I hope he knows how his being shifted my life and his death shifted it again.”

    These are beautiful words Sarah!
     
  9. Sarah Moore

    Sarah Moore Member

    Thank you! They made me cry when I read them again and I wrote them...................
     
  10. Pinky

    Pinky Member

    Beautiful words, made me cry too
     
  11. Pinky

    Pinky Member

    I read your story and cried because it almost mirrored my life. I could have written every word.
     
  12. Pinky

    Pinky Member

    Can I please use these lovely words in the memorial I’m putting in the paper on his date of death as soon as the date is confirmed. Your story mirrors mine, your words could be mine.
     
  13. Sarah Moore

    Sarah Moore Member

    Are you speaking to me.....the sentence about ..his being shifted my life.............? Yes, of course!
     
  14. Sarah Moore

    Sarah Moore Member

    or any of it.........................
     
  15. Pinky

    Pinky Member

    Thank you, I literally cried reading your comments, our stories are so similar.

    Sorry I replied twice, I’m new here and still learning how to navigate.
     
  16. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Just FYI…if you two want to private chat, there is a way to do that on this site. Not that I’m not moved by your stories, but if there is something you would like to say to just one person on here, there is a way to do it. I did it with someone I identified strongly with, and it allowed me to really open up about stuff, and it was tremendously healing.
     
    Sue M likes this.
  17. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    All of this is true, and all of our stories have a commonality.

    This morning I was experiencing powerful feelings about Linda. For reasons we are all familiar with. I immediately questioned (again) if there was something wrong with me, and why this grief had stuck to me for going on 5 years now. Since I have had these years to sort it out the solution to those questions became immediately clear. There are unresolved regrets and the angst over missing her. And the genuine sorrow over what happened to her, at such a young age, so long ago. And it became immediately clear that there was nothing wrong with me.

    Our feelings are not only justified but natural. It is best to accept them and embrace them. They will not go away, and I think that is how it should be. I feel that remembering Linda is just the right thing to do.
     
    Sue M and alwaysme like this.
  18. Sarah Moore

    Sarah Moore Member

     
  19. Sarah Moore

    Sarah Moore Member

    It is now 2 years and 8 months since I found out my dear friend committed suicide. My grief is softer but still there every day......every day! I think in the beginning, my soul was begging for forgiveness that I went on without him. I had a life, marriage, children, a great career, happiness. How could I have forgotten him over these years? He deserved so much more from me. He deserved to know how wonderful was. He deserved happiness. I am such a deep dive person, I trolled his life. Luckily, as I said before, his sister was so happy to know someone loved him. He didn't have many girlfriends. The pictures she sent me knocked me to the floor. Oh, that is why I didn't save the few I had! How could I look at that face and go in another direction. His spirit, even now, jumps out of the pictures she sent me. I fall in love with him again and again when I look in his eyes.
    Unfortunately, my friend got in a bad relationship after Desert Storm. He came home and restarted his life and fell in love with an abusive woman...physical and mental. I can see his quiet heart getting trampled by her words and actions. I think he really tried to make it work but she was way too young and he was way to gentle. He couldn't get away from her ( she refused to move out of his home) so he went downstairs and went away. My heart bleeds to think he suffered. My heart bleeds to think he had no way out. I found the house he owned on google. I look at the window where he went to heaven and wish I could have saved him. I wish I could have grabbed his hand. I told you, I go deep. That is just me.
    Now I know, after all this time, that I will carry him with me forever. This life altering event goes with me always. There is no end. There won't be a true ending until I see him again and tell him I am sorry....
     
    Sue M likes this.
  20. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    The feeling never goes away, which is kind of nice since thats all we have .. for now. Its been 3 1/2 years since I found out. I go to his grave when I can and every once in a while for a quick second I feel its back in that time and getting ready to go out to see him. I like that feeling even though its sad
     
    alwaysme likes this.