Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

I feel your grief in your words. Love is love and age does not matter when we love a person. I am glad it helps you knowing he lived a good life, although with someone else. I am sure he thought of you many times and remembered the love you had for each other with tenderness. It's shocking to grieve so deeply, someone we haven't seen in decades but I certainly understand. My grief at the death of my special friend was compounded with the fact he was so despondent that he committed suicide. There are so many regrets but my biggest one is not getting to tell him what an awesome man he was and that I did love him. I have found, grief doesn't go away. It stays but becomes softer.

 

I am so sorry for your loss. It is confusing that it hurts so much from so long ago but thats cause it was real love. I know its hard to explain to people that do not go thru it, but I am so glad you found this group. Everyone here has supported eachother and its been wonderful to have. Its nice you have good memories and photos too. We are here for you!

 

I wish I had a photo of him. The only photo I had was in an album that's disappeared. I have that photo embedded in my memory like I just looked at it earlier today. I can see him leaning against the car door with a slight grin and I remember what he was wearing. I remember that evening quite well. Thankfully I have a lot of great memories.

 

I am reading this thread and feeling compassion. It's hard for me to explain what is going on with me and this heartbreak of finding out someone I loved long ago is gone. His name is Bill and it's even hard to write about our relationship.

 

I am happy you found this group. I am so sorry about Bill. If I may ask, when did you find out and how long has it been that you last saw him?

 

You are not alone, Rob. I just discovered that a former boyfriend (in 1986) died 8 years ago without me knowing it. Lat week I found an unopened letter of him between a pile of magazines. I wanted to reply to this letter, as his letter gave me much clarity. And I had been upset for years as I never heard from him.... Was waiting for a sign of life... And then that letter, to later find out he died, makes me sadder than sad... Like you describe it... It makes no sense. Has been so long ago and life has been good to me. . Yet, it hurts so much... So you are not alone in this.

 

Hello fellow grief travelers:
Yes, that is true. Grief softens, becomes broader, deeper and more complex but less intense. It doesn’t go away, because love never dies.

 

I understand your feeling of regret. The last time I saw him, he asked me to come to see him that night after work and I didn’t go. I sent him a letter explaining why. I’ve always regretted not going that night. Thats all I think about now, is what if I’d gone. Maybe that’s selfish of me. I sent the letter to his parent’s house and I don’t even know if he got the letter. sometimes I think in the back of my mind all these years I might have thought there was a chance I’d see him again but now that won’t happen. I never expected to feel this way after all these years. It’s ironic that I feel now how I felt for so long ago after I let him go.

 

Lorna, I don't think it is all that unusual. Love never dies, but sometimes it is buried under all the day in and day out stress in our lives. Then something happens, or we see something, or hear something, and it all comes back to us. At least that is how it happened to me.

 

I am trying to get used to his forum. I should check it daily because I don't know that I ever answered your question. I am happy I found the group also. Bill died in 2007 in the hospital from lung cancer. He was 53 years old. I could not gather much info but it sounds like he was not well for the last 5 years of his life. Colon cancer, cured and then Lung cancer. That is all I know. He was cremated and the short obituary I did find just said that the ashes were given to family or friend.

 

I certainly understand the frustration of being separated from Bill, and everything/everyone in his life at the time. I certainly feel it. Many of the people who were in Linda's life 40 years ago have passed on themselves. I get little bits here and there accidentally, but in total not much. I recently found out it was Colon cancer, which metastasized to Liver cancer that took her. I am glad colon cancer was cured for Bill. That it least eliminated a very humiliating and painful condition.

I have been getting the most success in dealing with it by focusing on my memories of Linda back in the day, and not what happened after the last time I saw her. Separately, acknowledge your grief over what happened to him as if you were speaking to him. I find it useful to do that while looking at one of the old pictures of her, regardless of whether they are up to 53 years old.

We are here to support you. You are not alone.

 

No, it never goes away. But it can be compartmentalized into a separate place from your everyday life and thoughts. It just requires some time to be able to do that.

 

Sarah, I am so sorry that the loss was due to suicide. It's so difficult to accept that something in a persons life was that difficult that this was a last resort. It is certainly hard to accept, but he is in a better place now at peace.

 

Thank you. I really appreciate the support and knowing that you and others don't think I am crazy. I have been writing short letters to him and that does help a little. I don't have any photos of us but I would like to try and find some photos of him. Find myself keeping sunglasses on most times so others don''t see I have been crying. I'm glad that you have some photos of Linda.

 

I agree. So many things remind me of him and our time together. I keep telling myself I can’t change the past but hopefully my memories will soon make me smile instead of cry.
Last week, I chatted with a relative of mine about it and her opinion is I didn’t have proper closure when I ended it. This is very true.
This past weekend, I had a chance to visit with a close friend of mine. We used to double date with her and his brother so she knew him and when we were together back then. She also had a similar thing happen but to a much lesser degree so she was quite understanding of what I’m going through. I felt so much better talking about him with someone that actually knew him. We did a lot of reminiscing. I think thats helped a lot. She hadn’t realized how I’d felt for him all these years. I think it acted a bit like having a celebration of life for him. I know it won’t stop the grieving but I’m hoping it was what I needed to deal with the process. Closure is a huge thing and sometimes that can’t be done alone.

 

Yes, I can't really talk to most people about grieving someone I loved that died 16 years ago, but since I just found it, that makes if feel like it just happened. I have tried reaching out by email to his brother but he has not responded. I can't find anyone that can provide any information on what happened, and if someone was with him when he died. It is my fear that he was alone. I am happy you found someone to talk with about him. I do have a friend that I can talk to by phone. She is in Florida and I'm in PA so we can't get together. A celebration of his life is really nice. Closure is not in my vocabulary yet.

 

The talk with my friend on the phone. She’s since asked me if I’ve contacted his sister. I decided I don’t think knowing how he died will help me. I’m trying to focus on going forward instead, although I’m still having bad days because of questions only he could have answered. I told my Dr that I never knew this was possible to deeply grieve for someone from decades ago. He said absolutely you can and wanted to know if I was moving forward in a healthy way and I said yes. As best as I can. I feel for you with the grief you’re feeling. I suspect we all have reasons. I never thought mine would be due to unanswered questions that I brought on myself. Today is a bad day for me. I hope you can find the answers you need to move forward.

 

The problem is it will keep nagging at you. I felt the same way for many months after I found out Linda died so long ago. I finally screwed up the courage to ask for some details. Just an overview. Even though it was an awful way to die, from colon and liver cancer, but I am relieved that I know. I think the truth of what she
went through is just something I owe her. And I actually felt some of the weight coming off my shoulders.

Just my experience. Do what your heart tells you to.

 

Today is the death day anniversary. Yesterday I kept thinking a year ago today he was alive. Today I’m having waves of sadness. I know it will keep coming and going but I’m really hoping after today it will ease up. My friend suggested I visit his grave. I don’t know if he has one but I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that with his wife beside him. How he died doesn’t seem that important to me. What matters most to me is he shouldn’t have died yet, no matter the reason. To be honest the second reaction I had upon seeing his wife had passed was I might get to see him again. When I found out he’d died I felt cheated out of one more visit with him. I would have found a way to reach out to him. I wanted to know if he’d been happy. I wanted him to know I never stopped loving him. I think I wanted the closure I deprived myself of all those years ago. Death is so final. It removes hope from the heart. I need to deal with the regrets. I have no bad memories of him. I just have a lot of emotions to let go of or at least tucked back where they were kept for so long. Tomorrow is another day.

 

Just an idea, you dont even have to use your full name, but when I saw my person had a crappy obit, I found this site and made my own. You dont need to share it or just with anyone you want to you can, but you can make your own and get your feelings out. I go to mine on special days or memories and leave a comment only my 1 friend and I post on it. Its free it helped me so maybe this will help a little ...
https://everloved.com/obituaries/?g...dl8xG5dDT3TfDNZJS50D1vt1bHHEEWghoC4LoQAvD_BwE