Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

I agree that time is irrelevant when it comes to emotions. Sometimes our feelings take us by surprise but that doesn't make them any less valid. I think that's why it's so difficult for people to understand though what we are going through. When I say that I am grieving because I just found out someone I loved passed away and then I tell them it was 15 years ago that the person died, they just act like I am crazy. Sure I would love to just turn the feelings of regret and guilt off like a switch if was that easy, but it's not. Sometimes I think the saying is true, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone."

 

Wanted to share with you guys that I was on Myheritage.com and they let you download photos and they are animated. You get to try a few for free. I did try with a couple pics of my dad. I was nervous to see it, but it is kinda cool and nice to see.

 

I was just reading about how the Hubble Space Telescope spotted a star that is 28 billion light years away.

The next closest star to us is about 4.3 light years away. So, when we see this star today, we're actually seeing it as it was 4.3 years ago. All of the other stars we can see with our eyes are farther, some even thousands of light-years away.

You realize what this means of course. Some of the stars we see tonight are actually as they appeared when our person was still alive!

 

Hello gang, I hope some of you are still on this forum. Yesterday I found out an old friend had passed away almost 13 years ago. How could so much time have passed since I last spoke to him? I’ve had several losses in the past 2 years. My Mom passed away almost 2 years ago. The anniversary of her death is July 30th. 3 months later my boyfriend died. I was his main caretaker. Then this year my favorite Aunt died and 6 months later her husband, my uncle died. I was feeling like my world was shrinking with each death. I wanted to find a connection to a past friend and looked them up. That’s when I found his obituary. I’ve been so sad about it. I’ve read much of your posts. I see that shock and sadness despite the time elapsed is very common. Evidently his brother died the year before he did. I looked up their parents and they are still alive. So they’ve lost both their sons…I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been for them. I want to reach out to them but I don’t know if it’s appropriate? I want them to know I still think of him but 13 years have passed since he died. Won’t it be weird to hear from a friend of his after so many years. I feel like, if I was a better friend, this much time wouldn’t have elapsed. I am very conflicted and am not sure how I’d approach writing them. I don’t want to open old wounds. But like you I can’t stop thinking of him. I mean, how does one tell a friend’s parents you lost touch with their son and you’ve just found out that they died 13 years ago. It seems so intrusive. I only met his parents once so they might not even remember me. I just feel so sad and wanted to reconnect with him after having experienced so many deaths in just 2 years but he too has died. I hope someone is still on this forum. I feel lost.

 

Well, something similar happened to me last fall. I found a friend, a guy I dated for summer, committed suicide 30 years ago. I collapsed in grief and I was so shocked his death would affect me so deeply. I assumed he was living a happy life and I am happily married. His death hit me like a sledgehammer as I remember him so well...his kindness, his humility. He had also been in the military so on top of being one of the sweetest men I knew, he was a hero. I did reach out to his sister on FB and she did not know me. I felt like a blubbering idiot because I was in so much grief. She mentioned his suicide online as the anniversary was coming up and that's how I found out how he passed. She was actually happy someone remembered him! She has sent me pictures and discussed with me what happened. She helped me so much and she told me she was so happy I contacted her! I would certainly send them a letter. They will probably be so happy that someone remembered their loved one.

 

Hi, and welcome to this forum. I’m glad you found us and sorry you have need of this. Your emotional reaction to his death makes perfect sense to me. The part that touched me the most was when you described all your recent losses and said you wanted to reach out to an old friend. That resonated with me because so many times I thought of my person and wanted to reconnect but didn’t. I searched for him online many times over the years.

I reached out to his sister and she was appreciative and filled me in on some things and shared his memorial video with me (I cried a river of tears). I don’t think contacting his parents is intrusive or problematic. They may very well appreciate it, and they don’t have to respond if they don’t want to. Is there a grave you can visit? That helped me. I drive 2 and 1/2 hours to visit. I went a few times during the first year I found out. This July is 2 years since I found out. I plan to go visit his grave in September. Maybe a yearly visit.

How long were you together?

 

Oh, thank god for your responses. I didn’t know if the thread was still active. I don’t know if they buried him or cremated him or what. All the 4 deaths I’ve had recently in my life were cremated with ashes cast to the wind. I always felt that was the easiest thing to do but there’s a kind of loneliness with that. You’ve got no physical place where you can go to sit and honor them. I just figured he too was cremated. I never even thought to look for a grave but I will check now. Rich was the first person I met after I had been in a domestic violence relationship which I escaped. I was living in a very rural area in Colorado. One rare day when I wasn’t being watched and tormented I had the chance to jump in my car and drove back to the east coast where I’m from. I was really shell shocked for several years after that. Rich was the first person who was so nice and listened to what had happened to me. We were friends for several years before we started to occasionally become more intimate. Neither of us wanted an a committed relationship so things just happened when they did. My condo became a kind of safe place for him when he needed to get away from things. So our relationship was based on mutual caring and kindness when we needed a confident and a in time a lover. A good 10 years continued with this kind of friendship. We both dated other people but would be there for each other too. The last time I heard from him he had been in drug treatment center for almost a month when his head started hurting him. So 28 or so days into his one month of sobriety he was taken to a regular hospital and had to have an operation to treat a build up of pressure on his brain. For some reason the treatment center was in Florida and he called me. (We were from the suburbs of Washington DC) He had no one there to even visit with him. After we talked I immediately sent him a bunch of silly flowers that looked like a smiley face. No one else had sent him anything. He was bummed that the treatment center wouldn’t consider him to have completed the treatment program which was 30 days. He recuperated over a few days and his Mom was flying down to get him. His Dad was with his younger brother who was also in a hospital in North Carolina with cancer. We lost touch after that. Life went on and I met someone nice but he also died of cancer 7 years into our relationship. With the turmoil of caring for my boyfriend and the relative isolation of the pandemic I didn’t give him much thought. Now, after 4 deaths of people I was close to in a period of 2 years I felt incredibly alone. That’s when I looked him up on the internet - for some reason I had the sad feeling that he too had passed away. After all the last time we spoke he was trying to quit drugs and was hospitalized for hydrocephalus (something he had been born with.) Even though I had a bad premonition I was still shocked to find he had died! And that was 13 years ago! I couldn’t believe so much time had passed! He died maybe a year or two after his stint in Florida hospitals when I last spoke to him. His obituary only said that he died suddenly. I was in shock for a few days but then I really started thinking about him a lot. About our friendship and how sweet he had been. I couldn’t get him off my mind and started to think about contacting his parents. His obit said his brother had predeceased him. I looked up his parents and they were still both alive. So here I am. None of my small circle of friends now remember him. It seemed like he’d been alone with no one besides his parents to care for him when he died. Just like the time he was in Florida. Only now I couldn’t send him flowers. I felt terribly guilty so much time had passed. I want to reach out to his parents but I feel so bad that I didn’t know he had died so long ago. I am really overwhelmed with all these deaths in my life. A friend had said we were at the age when people in our lives were beginning to die (I’m 58). I never married nor do I have children so I’m not occupied with caring for people in my daily life. I just have my thoughts and memories. I still live in my little condo alone as I always have. I have a dog and I took my boyfriend’s cat home after he died a year and nine months ago. I can’t imagine anyone is thinking of poor Rich besides his parents. And I don’t want to upset them in any way. After all, their two sons have been gone over a decade. It’s all just so incredibly sad and I’m feeling so very vulnerable.

 

Welcome! I am glad more people are finding this forum. I have been going thru that dilemma on getting in touch with the mom. I feel the same way you guys do. Do not want to upset them and her thinking Im crazy after not seeing him since 1992 . If this helps at all, a woman was at the cemetery when I was visiting and she was visiting her 2 sons that passed away. I did tell her about how I just found out after many years and she told me that she would want to know anything she could from anyone about her children. I told her I was afraid of upsetting her and she said shes been living with the pain all these years. It would not upset her if it was good things. I got up the nerve once but someone else was at the house so I didnt stop. I lost my nerve now but really would like her to know what I remember. I met her twice but doubt she remembers me

 

What that woman said to you in the cemetery about wanting to know anything nice about her sons certainly puts getting in touch in a new light. Her grief has been a continuing weight all this time. That helps me to think they might be very happy to hear from an old friend of their son’s. I only have nice memories of him and some fun and silly ones too. I guess I should try to draft what I might want to say to them. I guess if they don’t want to talk about loosing him they won’t reply but at least I will have tried. He had several tattoos and I thought the one that said MOMMY was the sweetest. It always made me smile. Thank you for that insight!

 

Time means nothing, it’s the memories that are the most real. Your friendship with Rich sounds really special and meaningful and that’s what’s important. Like you said, other life events distracted you for a few years, but your memory of him remains and you did look him up. I hope you find solace here. I did.

 

I think that is great you will try. At least you did all you could and you never know, they may be happy to know nice things and maybe will contact you, but either way you tried and they will know your thoughts.

 

Hi Rob, Its been awhile, just wanted to check in and see how you are

 

This popped on my thread. I followed Rob's story and I believe somewhere up there is mine. It is going on 16 months and the grief for me is lifting although I still cry. No one would understand that I would be devastated over someone I loved over 40 years ago but I was wrecked, especially having found out he committed suicide. This kind, sweet man.......... How could he suffer and I did not feel it across the miles and years? I have read that grief ( and I think, unexpected grief) breaks you wide open. You feel more, you empathize more, you love more. I definitely do.

 

Hi, sue.

Thanks for asking. I am getting by. How are you?

Physically I have been struggling with arthritic ankles from old broken bones from my youth. Emotionally, I still struggle with prolonged grief over what happened to Linda. Although I think I am getting the situation more in perspective it still hurts.

It is very hard right now because the 40th anniversary of Linda's death is coming up next week. I struggle with the thought that 40 years ago today she was on her deathbed, in hospice care. I don't know anything about those circumstances as all of her immediate family has died from old age. And all of our high school classmates have filed this all away decades ago, and likely would not remember that much after all these years. Even if she does have some remaining family, they put this all behind them years ago as well. It underscores the absurdity because all of this happened way back in the past. And it was another 10 years before that I saw her for the last time. That was 1972. Seven Presidents have been in office since then.
For me, it all happened 3 years ago. The trauma is fresh. In a way, right now my grief, memories, and pictures of her represent her whole time on this Earth.

Not knowing for all these long decades makes me feel guilty that I was not there for her. And fills me with personal regret that I never got to see her again. So for me, the grief is 3 years old, not 40. It's like the shock from the moment I found out this happened to poor Linda is still there.

I am not sure this will ever go away. The best I can do is just try and put it in perspective as it relates to my actual life. My wife, daughter, and grandchildren. They are what is important. This is just a nagging regret and feeling of sorrow for a girl who deserved a full life like me.

 

Yes, the very same thing that I am dealing with is happening to you. The feeling that after 40 years this should all be history, but still the nagging ache that remains inside you is impervious to the passage of time. Could have just as well happened back when they built the pyramids. Time does not matter.

As you say, it does make you feel more connected to other people's pain and emotions. All you can do is try as hard as you can to keep this painful part of history in perspective compared to what is happening in your "real life". And accept that feeling this pain is normal. You are not "weird" because of these feelings. As you have read the thread you know how many people this is happening to. It just illustrates the amount of kindness and empathy you have in your heart.

 

I do think its a beautiful thing that you have this love so strong for so long and its always nice to know you are remembered by even 1 person after so long. I always remember you saying you think of her every morning when you wake up.

Im doing ok its been 2 years now that I found out. It will be 20 years in May that he has been gone. Still really hard, I didnt expect to still be back and forth this strong about it all but it will be this way forever I realized.

 

Sue,

I actually think of her many times a day. Times when I am not occupied with other things. What exacerbates the problem is that, at my age, there is not all that much to occupy me. Yes, it is pure, true love. Nothing else could drive this. That and the tragedy itself that she lost her life at only 28. She deserved a full life just like me.

2 years is an important marker for you in enduring this pain. As time passes you can at least start to put things in perspective. But I think we both have to accept this is never going to "go away". Our loved ones and the tragedy they befell are deeply burned into our personal history and our hearts.

 

I like to check in with people but Im surprised there have not been anyone new on this thread or updates from some that have been on here a while ago. Always wonder the experiences people go thru and if they are similar

 

I am just now experiencing a similar situation. Its been almost a month since I discovered the guy I fell in love with well over 40 years ago passed away last year. I was shocked how broken I was to learn of this. I wish I could put the whole long story into writing here so our relationship could be totally understood. However I’ll try to keep this more to the point. I was 14 when we met and he was 19. It was all very innocent. So no judging. This went on for a span of four years. There is a lot that happened in those four years. A friend told me I should write a book.
The end result was that I let him go even though I loved him like I’ve never loved since. His mother and sister kept me up to date on what he was doing and where he was. I knew when he had kids and their names. That all stopped after his sister moved away and his mother passed away. I did see pictures of him on facebook ten years ago and felt that rush of emotion.
He and his wife passed away last year, two months apart. They were both too young. I’m glad he had a good life and that I had done the right thing. But I still wonder what our lives would have been like if I’d not let him go. I wonder if he ever thought of me.
Things happen for a reason. But I’m still grieving for him regardless. Songs trigger tears. Random memories pop up now and then. When I saw he’d passed away, all the details of our time together came back so clearly and I could even remember his smell. I loved that smell. I loved him.