Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Thanks so much Sue, and it good knowing there are others who are going through the same thing I am. I don't wish this pain on anyone but it is nice not to feel quite so alone in my experience. We each can only do our best to honor our person in a way that is meaningful and special to us. It is strange how emotions work and the way they come and go on a daily basis as we learn to cope with our loss. I was having such a rough time last week and there were days I cried nonstop. Today I am feeling better but I know not to get too comfortable as the flood of feelings could come back at any given time, the way they did before. Thank you for listening to my story and for your support.

 

Friday was 1 yr I found out he passed away in 2003. I am not in tears all the time like I was, but still think about him every day and play scenerios in my mind if I did run into him back then. The snow melted around here and my first thought was, now I can go to the cemetery and actually see the grave and leave flowers now. (I went on his bday but too much snow and ice). Will never get over he was 2 blocks away from me and I didnt know.

 

Will this be the first time you visit your person's grave since finding out he died? I am planning to visit the grave of my person in October when I go back to my home state. I am very nervous about it because I feel like it will unleash so many emotions but I'm also hoping it will give me some sense of closure. It is going to be awkward because I will be traveling with my husband and son, and they don't know what I've been going through since I found out about his death. I had already moved out of state before my person died in 2007, but I think I had been back in town visiting the week he died and I just wish I had known about his death at the time so I could have at least gone to his funeral. We have to try to be kind and forgiving of ourselves for not knowing back then the things we know now. I play out the scenarios in my head every day too, especially the last time he tried to reach me and I never called him back because I "thought" I had moved on with my life. Are you going to take anything for your person's grave? I know a lady who paints rocks and I was going to have her paint me one specifically for my person so I can leave it there in remembrance.

 

I have visited last year about 8 or 9 times since April 2021 It was sooo hard I spent at least an hour to 2 hours there I brought a chair and my phone and played the songs that reminded me of him and a box of kleenex (trust me bring that!) and I sat and cried and cried but, it did make me feel closer to him since thats the closest you can be now. I feel just like you I have a husband and son too Trying to handle emotions inside is so hard. If you dont have someone to talk to in person that you can let all your feelings out this is the perfect place. We all understand eachothers emotions. I do take flowers when I go, I tried to leave a solar angel but they took it, too many rules

 

That's awesome you at least live close enough to your person's gravesite where you can visit whenever feel like it. I was going to bring music too when I go to my person's grave, as there are two specific songs that remind me of him, and also one that he sung for me. I won't be able to stay long. I will be lucky if I can find a way to convince my husband that we need to drive over an hour out of our usual route to visit my person's grave. I told him about a month ago, "there is something I am going to ask of you at some point, a huge favor, and I just need you to know how important it is to me that you say yes when I ask you." I wish I could be there by myself, but there is no way that is going to happen, but I will take what I can get. I told my mom about finding out about his death, and she doesn't understand and says, "but he's not really there at the grave. It's not like you'd be seeing him again. You just need to get over this and get on with your life!" But it's not that easy, as I feel so paralyzed--and like what you just said, seeing our person's grave is as close as we will ever get to them again. I just want to leave something behind there for him as well. I know it sounds strange, but I feel like he gives me signs sometimes that he is somewhere out there watching over me, and I talk to him in my head a lot, sometimes even out loud. I imagine him talking back to me and being encouraging and reassuring when I need it.

 

I usually think moms know a lot, but in this specific case, I disagree, Death will never be something anyone gets over. Easier to live with in time, yes. Over? never. No one knows what happens after death, but the cemetary, at least for me, is my place of peace. Even to just go and only spend 5 minutes there, will make you feel good you went. A friend of mine said to me recently you live in the past or think of it way too much past is gone. I think of a Madonna song.. "they say don't hold on to the past, well, thats too much to ask". I believe in signs too. Do you know any friends or family of his or can talk to them online at all?

 

It's really easy for people to tell us stop living in the past, but I feel that sometimes you have to come to terms with the past before you can ever move forward into the future, and there is no set time frame for this as everyone is different and processes grief differently. Since finding out about my person's death, I had become a bit obsessed with looking up his family online and had gone down quite a few rabbit holes with that. I did alot of digging and found out some things about his history that he had never told me. I did not really know any of his family personally and only spoke to one of his brothers once on the phone, and only spoke to his mom once on the phone as well--the conversations were short and revolved around problems he was having at the time. He had a lot of issues and did not have the best of relations with people, so I feel awkward about reaching out to any of his family. His mother is in her 80's now and I don't want to rehash anything that may make her sad...I wish I still had something tangible of his or that he had given me to hold, but I don't. I was so excited just to find a scan of a legal docket online with his handwriting and signature on it because at least it's something. You mentioned that you also had a husband and son--did you tell them about your person and if so how did they react?

 

I didnt say anything to them about it. They know someone did pass away from my past and a friend of mine from that time and I went to the area and drove around thats all I said. Alot of what you wrote I did too. I did free trials on backround checks and found his criminal history. There was quite alot but the one thing I really wanted to find was a mugshot. I thought if you get arrested so many times, there has to be one out there, but that was in the 1990s and the internet was not a thing yet. He passed the same year Myspace started so nothing online to find. His mom is also in her 80s. I am afraid to talk to her because the same thing, dont want to upset her. Last time I saw him was July of 1992 He ended up moving 2 block aways from me in Nov 1994 but I never knew it until I tried to find him last year and found out. He has a very common name so trying to find him thru the years was impossible . He used to wear IOU sweatshirts I wish I had one of them I think of that alot I want something of his. I did have his season pass to Six Flags but I threw it away not even a year before I found out. So mad I did that. I have asked on here about visiting his mom and the advice is to talk to her because why wouldnt she want to hear good things about him, I did go past the house a few months back and got the nerve to do it until I saw a friend of his outside washing her car. I freaked out and just kept driving I barely knew him but I didnt want to stop and give any of my info cause he used to be bad news along with my person

 

That's about where I'm at right now with my husband and son. I have been very general about it without going into details. Oh I wanted a mugshot too but never found one! I looked everywhere online and it was so frustrating. So all I have is his high school senior yearbook photo, as we didn't take any pics of us together. I knew him right before cell phones got really popular and before Myspace became a thing, so neither of us had a social profile at the time. My person has a common name too, but I knew his middle name which he went by in form of a nickname, so I found him on instantcheckmate pretty quickly. He had a specific "prized" baseball cap he would always wear and that I also wore sometimes, so I flound closest thing to it online and bought one for myself about a month ago. Have you tried looking for an IOU sweatshirt on eBay? I know it woudn't be your person's exact one, but people list vintage clothing on there sometimes, just a thought. My guy had also made a bracelet for me at the treatment center where we met, and what I wouldn't do to have it back. It may have been in storage still at my mom's up until a few years ago when she moved, but at that point I never even gave a thought to look for it. I found his old house on googlemaps and looked at his neighborhood, which I never did get to visit even though we talked about it. We had so many plans and never had the chance to do them. And I found he had a son he never told me about and his son is very similar to him, as I found his profile on FB. But in doing some digging I am not 100% sure his son is aware that my person is his real dad. And part of me wants to reach out so badly to tell him the good things about his dad because I'm sure even if he knows "of" him, he probably knows only of the bad things. But I don't want to meddle and screw up people's lives either. I just don't even know how I would start a conversation with his family and I don't want them to think I'm some kind of crazy stalker looking them up online.....so I had to pause in writing this to go pick up my son and I was still thinking about that bracelet again as I turned on the car radio, and it was playing one of the songs I associate with my person --"Every Rose Has its Thorn" because he would say I reminded him of a rose and I would joke back that if I was a rose, then he had better watch out for my thorns. It's moments like that that that make me truly believe he is with me, and in some ways is even better than having something physical to hold. I don't care what anyone else says about signs just being a coincidence because nothing like that is a coincidence--and when you know, you know.....

 

We sure do think a lot alike. My guy had a nickname too I would just want one of his sweatshirts but Im sure they are long gone. I did look up the house on google maps and you can see street views thru the years. There was a big dumpster in her driveway 4 yrs after he passed so of course without having any idea, I come up with my own conclusion and think they remodeled or just got rid of a lot of his stuff I almost did go online and buy Drakkar cause that was his scent, but that would just be too much for me to handle to smell that again I think. I do have a pic of him a friend of his from childhood sent me but its 1st or 2nd grade class pic. At least I can see the familiar face but wish I had something from when I knew him or before he passed. After I thru out the six flags pass I did write to them to see if they had records from 1990-1991 of pics of passes still but they didnt. Can you see if your mom still has the bracelet? The thing about the moms being in their 80s and us being nervous to upset them, someone told me once that they live with it everyday so bringing them up to them will not make it any harder, they live it and would be nice to hear good things.

 

We do think alot alike--That would have been awesome if Six Flags had saved records of season pass holders-- it sounds like something I would have done everything I could do to get ahold of as well. I told my mom to donate my box of old belongings to good will, so the bracelet my guy made me is long gone. I recently found online the first house we lived in together as boarders (new owner had listed on Zillow) and it was very, very hard looking at the photo of his old room. I about lost it. Also photos of the other parts of the house-- I could picture him walking down the hallway to me, etc. It triggered so many emotions. The day after I found the photos I spent the entire day in bed crying. I had spent weeks exhausting every avenue I could online to see what I could find out online about his history --there was a lot of stuff I already knew and some stuff I didn't, but it helped me to piece many things together about him. Have you tried classmates.com for more school photos?? I found my guy's senior photo that way. You can search by school/year and it literally shows you every page of the yearbook if the particular yearbook is in their database (no subscription needed). My guy was from tiny town and yet all the yearbooks from his high school years were there. I just saved the senior pic photo I found to my desktop and printed it out from there. Of course, I knew him when he was much older, but I could see the resemblance and I have that pic also saved to my phone too and look at it all the time. Do you think you will end up contacting your guy's mom? I am still on the fence. I just don't know where I would even begin. I guess I'm also worried that she will confirm he died by intentional overdose vs just an accident, and I will feel even more guilty than I do now. I find myself doing the weirdest things lately, like if I am watching an older movie my first thought is, "was he still alive when this movie came out?" and wondering if he had seen it,etc

 

OMG I think that way too. I saw just yesterday Mr Rogers died in 2003 and first thought in my head was so did Mike. I did look up classmates but nothing, but I dont even know if graduated. His mom I would talk to if she was outside, but shes 81 or 82 so that makes me nervous like you feel about upsetting her. I dont know I think its been over a year now and I still have hard times and really do want to know more about him but I dont want to seem crazy. I did do a free trail for Ancestry and they had his social # which is odd but nothing came of it and with how many arrests he had I am really sad I cant find any mugshot but he died before Myspace so maybe they didnt make them public back then. His mom, does she live alone? Maybe you can go there and say you heard and wanted to see if she needed anything or something like that that was my plan, but I chickened out. Or maybe say you were just going down memory lane and thought of him so wanted to stop by and say hi and share some good memories, I do like that idea I would use it if I got my nerve up.

 

Yes, I know what you mean, I will hear about something having happened or came out the year he died and I will instantly think that was the same year and start ruminating about it. I'm sorry you didn't find any photos of your guy on classmates. Mine didn't graduate but I was happy to find his senior pic anyhow. I saw on instantcheckmate where my guy's mom sold the house they lived in practically forever a few years ago, but I don't know her new address. It did show an email but not sure if she uses it at her age. I have seen on FB where his nephew has been struggling with some of the same issues he did (I could tell this from his posts) and part of me wants to reach out to him to help him in some way, but I don't know his whereabouts right now as I saw he has been in and out of jail this past year for controlled substance related offenses. I don't know whether I should reach out and open that can of worms or not....but I guess I'm just wanting to do something in honor of my guy's memory and maybe prevent what happened to him from happening to someone else. Same thing with my guy and arrests--he had multiple arrests dating from 1987-2005, and yet not one mugshot to be found. I had been able to easily pull up someone's mugshot like 10 years ago for in infraction in 2012, but maybe they just don't make public any more these days. I even looked online for those local "Crime Times" type of mugshot magazines to see if I could find it that way but still nothing. Yesterday was the anniversary of the last day I ever saw him--Feb 28, 2005 (I remember so well because it was a couple days before my bday) so I knew it was going to be a little rough. Trying not to get overwhelmed by sadness when I think about how angry I was at him that day and not even being able to look at him. Now that you know about your person's death, do you think a lot about the last time you saw him and did you find it hard going through the anniversary of around that time?

 

I think about the last time we talked all the time. I ended our relationship over the phone (we lived 2.5 hours drive apart) and he was hurt. I remember hearing the hurt in his voice and he called back one time. I didn’t see or hear from him for 35 years when I saw his obituary. That was hard, and I wish I had been able to connect with him before he died. It helps me to imagine him telling me it’s all ok.

 

I do The last time I saw him he was hiding out from someone I have no clue He never told me anything about the trouble he got in. I was the good girl suburbanite who was complete opposite of him. Last time I saw him he was at a hotel and asked me to stay with him we were just friends at that point. I remember looking at him and thinking I had no attraction to him anymore in that way and that he was now 18 and any trouble he would get in would now be charged as an adult. those were my thoughts at that time, but looking back now I feel so different. I also didnt know it was the last time Id see him. I remember even pulling out of the parking space leaving. He would pop in and out of my life but that was it. I always wonder if he came by my house or called and my parents may have not told me if I was dating someone else or just cause, cause they didnt care for him. They really didnt know him but he was a wanna be gangbanger type of guy but never got in trouble when we were together. I did take a half day off work on his death anniversary last year Told work it was a memorial which it was, but it was just me. He was my first so have that date in my head too and our dating anniversary I do think about what I wish I would have said to him back then, but I didnt feel that way at that time. We cant feel bad for how we felt at the time no matter how much we wish it was different.

 

It is not absurd. Love never leaves. It's frozen in time. I'm having the same experience, grieving someone I haven't seen in over 30 years. I attraction to her was even longer ago:5-6 years prior. It's tough but I am getting better.

 

The love we are feeling is permanent. In my case it has been 50 years since I saw her last, and 40 years since she died. The shock of finding out this horrible thing happened to her 40 years ago and that I did not know it will stay with me forever I think. It does get better over time because we learn coping skills to deal with it. Sometimes I think I have it in perspective, particularly as it pertains to how long ago I knew her. I would think maybe I have reached the next stage of grief: acceptance. Then Saturday someone found an old high school photograph with all our mutual friends in it, and there was Linda. And it all comes rushing back.

I think it is best that we acknowledge that this grief will not really "go away". Then it is not such a struggle.

 

Feelings seem to be frozen in time. You'll always love that person no matter how much time has passed. I had a 6 year friendship beginning in the late 70s (late 78 or early 79-details are muddled) and ending in 1983 or '84. I did have a short interaction when I happened to run into her at a local grocery 6 years later. One week ago I reconnected with one of former friends. I asked about Terry and was told that she passed. I did not feel much at first, but 2 days later my grief was palpable, along with some feelings of regret and guilt. I am 64 now. I still love a woman from my 20s. I will always remember a passionate kiss we shared at a New Year's event. I regret not attempting to move the relationship to another level.

 

Sue, I can so much relate to you and your situation. I was the shy good girl and he was my complete opposite--a convicted felon out on parole and I didn't even know it at the time. I had gotten myself into trouble with a DUI right before meeting him and it was first time I had ever been in trouble with the law, and I was doing everything I could to walk the line and not make it any worse than it was. I was afraid that he was going to bring us both down and I was terrified that things would continue to spiral downward if I stayed with him. Last night we were together our housemate kicked us out accusing him of theft, and he begged me for us to go to a motel and talk things out as we had nowhere else to go. I just couldn't do it anymore. I dropped him off at a gas station and I yelled at him to get out of my car and get his stuff out of my trunk so I could keep driving. I couldn't look at him because he had these sad puppy dog eyes that I knew would sway me to change my mind. So I just glanced at him in the rearview as I was driving away. It was raining that night and I feel so god awful I left him there in the rain without even making sure he had a place to stay. And the last thing he said to me was to make sure I was ok with driving at night in the rain. He was such a caring person and so sweet and gentle towards me but made some very bad decisions in life. I guess I thought like many do that I could "change' him but I couldn't....my mom said he called from jail trying to get ahold of me after that, when I was long since movcd on with someone else (my current husband actually) and I wouldn't even entertain the thought of him at the time. Now of course I wish so much I had kept in touch with him as hearing of his death has been one of the single most traumatic and hardest things I have ever dealt with in my own life.

 

Time is irrelevant when it comes to these feelings. You tell yourself "man, this was 50 years ago". Sometimes it helps me put things in perspective, but it does not last long. Even after 50 years (a whole lifetime of experiences) since I saw her. Those feelings of regret and guilt, that I have not felt since high school, come back with a rage. I think the shock of finding out this tragedy happened almost 40 years ago sort of burns these feelings in my soul, and I can't paint over it.

She passed the first week of March 1983. This "anniversary" is difficult to deal with.