Shocked finding out someone I loved died many years ago

Discussion in 'Grief in Common Updates, Questions & Answers' started by Rob67, May 15, 2020.

  1. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    Wow! I felt the same about a note. I did write in a card and left it with my email but it got wet and ruined. i dod do another one just for him. no contact info and when I go I leave a note in the envelope. Just makes me feel.a little better. My loss was also named Mike. Last time I saw him was July 92
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  2. Lori68

    Lori68 Member

    Last time I saw Mike was at his mom's funeral in 1997. We had an exchange, our usual very strong connection holding true even then. When I left, I felt uneasy. My gut said I should stay and sit with him for as long as I could. But my head rationalized that I shouldn't. So I didn't. That's where some of my what ifs come from.

    It's difficult wading thru this. I just need to figure out a plan of action going forward. I've accepted everything, but something is holding me back. I'll get there.
  3. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    In my case the loss is over her death almost 40 years ago. I have not seen her in 50 years. What we have all learned here is that time is irrelevant. What you, and all of us are experiencing is absolutely normal. What it also shows is that we all have a kind and giving heart. People just absorbed with them selves would have just said "huh" when they found out and just moved on.

    Unload as you feel ready. We are here to listen.
  4. Lori68

    Lori68 Member

    Hi. I'm back. I have been doing pretty good with getting thru this delayed grief thing. That was, until 2 days ago.

    I had lunch with an old friend who also knew Mike from back in the day. We talked about the good times, and then we talked about his death. I asked my friend if she remembers hearing about it and how he died. She told me it was suicide.

    This, while always in the back of my mind, was a gut punch. I just didn't know. The mind is a curious and powerful thing. I didn't know Mike had died by suicide partly because I couldn't/wouldn't allow my mind to go to that place, and also because no one used that word. It was "an accident with a gun."

    Mike was 28 years old and decided death was his best option. Heart wrenching. Back in those days, we didn't have the words to name these things, and in my small hometown, there weren't the resources that bigger towns have. At 29, I didn't know ANYTHING about depression at all. Nothing. The deck was stacked against him in pretty much every way.

    This is a whole new kind of heartbreak for me, with a whole new list of "what ifs" for me to trudge thru and find my way to some kind of acceptance. These two days have been so hard!

    I won't ever have my questions answered as to why he did this or how no one saw it coming. I read that living with the pain of unanswered questions like these are part of the human condition. HOW to move forward without answers will be a huge challenge.

    Thank you for reading and all of your support!
    Sue M likes this.
  5. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    You received a double punch by finding this out. Try and stay focused on what you were doing before. This is going to be hard to accept, so take your time. You are not on the clock here. What you are feeling is completely normal for this second shock, so don't try and fight it. Try to concentrate on the good memories. And give it time.

    Remember, we are here if you want to talk.
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  6. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    That is so much to take in. The what ifs are the hardest part. My Mike passed at 29 at his house and when he was 17 he told me he wouldnt live to see 30. I thought about that all thru the years. Thought about him on his birthday I play in my mind that I should have checked on him when he was 29 but that wouldnt have changed how he was just cause I showed up. That may have even been harder to see him and then he would have died a few months later. The mind can mess you up so much but coming on here you see you are not alone in your thoughts so it helps so much! Its been 9 months today I first found out about Mike I dont cry like I did but still think of him daily
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  7. Lori68

    Lori68 Member

    Have any of you felt that you've received a sign from your loved one? Maybe a song (or three!) immediately after asking them a question or making a comment to them? Or a rainbow? Butterflies? Dreams?

    I've read a lot about this. I sometimes feel like I'm bonkers, but it all "fits" as far as I can tell. I'm purposely being very skeptical, but the simplest and best answer seems to be that my loved one has sent signs. Much of the literature on this topic says not to doubt your gut, your eyes, your ears, etc.

    I'll share a few examples. One of the ways that has helped me in getting thru my grief is to chat with Mike, just have a conversation whenever I feel like it.

    I had been struggling at the beginning, and one particularly hard day, I asked if he could possibly send me a sign that he at least hears me. That afternoon, we had a pop up rain shower that wasn't predicted and wasn't on radar, and there was a rainbow. This was like no rainbow I had ever seen. We saw the whole arch and all the colors from red to violet were bright and brilliant. When I saw it, I got really emotional, but just wrote it off to hormones. The next day, I was chatting with Mike, and a really strong thought came over me. Mike. Rainbow. Sign. In my gut, I just *knew.* I was blown away.

    Another example has to do with birds. I was out on my walk and chatting with Mike. I asked what he thought of the idea that spirit uses birds as a sign that they're near. Not 10 steps after, the regular bird chirps turned into very loud chirping! It went on for maybe a full 1-2min, then just died back to reg chirping.

    Lastly, music. I have a Playlist on Spotify that I listen to really often. I was chatting with Mike about how we used to cruise and listen to the radio too loud. (I did not say any song names out loud.) The next 3 songs were directly connected to him. One was a song he played for me on his guitar and the other two were literal answers and comments to the conversation I was having with him! This happens almost every time I talk with him, too. The latest example, I was commenting how he was an "old soul" and that eventho he died far too young, I hoped he felt that he had lived a sortof full life bc he had hobbies that were "old," as well as the goofy young stuff we all did. I asked him if he had at least *some* moments of feeling fulfilled in his life. The song that was on skipped off to the next one and guess what played? Seasons of Love from the musical, "Rent." I was blown away, again! If you aren't familiar, look up the lyrics.

    There are other things, too, and the song thing happens All. The. Time. It happens on Spotify and on the I❤Radio app and on the TuneIn app. Could it just be coincidence when it happens so often and so consistently?

    What are your opinions on this? Has anyone else had any experiences like this?
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  8. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    I 100% think that those are signs. You are so lucky to have so many. Cardinals are another one. They say its someone in Heaven visiting you. I have asked (begged) f0r something in my dream to find out that he knows how I have been feeling but at least none I can remember. There are a lot of songs that are from the 1990s that will come on once in a while when I feel I needed to hear them. Sometimes I feel there have been but not as strong of them as you have been able to have.
  9. Lori68

    Lori68 Member

    Sue M-
    I think if you feel a strong connection when you are talking with him, it will come. You might not get it when it happens (Hello! I missed a literal rainbow even after I asked for a sign! Can't get much more obvious, right?), but it will dawn on you, and you'll feel it and *know* in your gut. I don't know if men have the same gut intuition as women - I count it as a blessing.

    I would encourage you to keep asking. I've read if you talk with and make requests when you are in a place that's significant to your loved one, or if you make a request near significant calendar dates like birthdays, anniversaries, the day he passed, you have a better chance. Meditation clears your mind and opens your third eye, helping you to be more open to contact, too. I'm not an authority on the subject, but there's a lot on the internet about this.

    Good luck to you.
    Sue M likes this.
  10. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing these beautiful experiences. I read this last night and was too tired to comment, plus I wanted to give it more thought and reflection.

    I believe in you and what you have received. I too feel close to my person when I talk to him or write to him, and I’m grateful you reminded me of this so I can do it more often.

    I think we were connected when he was still alive because we were both looking each other up on the internet around the same time. There were times when I thought he might be near me at a concert or other places. I always wondered if we were ever in the same place at the same time without recognizing each other because of the time that had passed by.

    I do believe I have received some sort of message at times after he died. I’m not sure if they are from him or the universe at large, God, or something else larger than me. When I dwell in the past I am less likely to receive. Also, I have to keep an open mind as to what I may receive, I can’t force it or expect anything specific.

    One time when I drove out to his grave, I kept seeing things…his make and model of truck in front of me, and his first name on a sticker on a motorcycle (he loved motorcycles and owned a few). I will resume talking to him and writing to him and let you know if I receive anything.

    Thank you so much for sharing what has happened to you. It helps me to feel connected to others going through a similar grief experience.
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  11. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    The first year I had several dreams with him. I think dreams help us integrate all the intense emotions.
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  12. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    I definitely get signs like that. Sometimes I would be thinking about Linda, and an old memory that had been lost t me over to last 50 years would return, and I would just "feel" like she was there with me. It's just a feeling, but it was a feeling like I experienced all those years ago when I was talking to her.
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  13. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    This morning I was thinking about him and Angel came on the radio. (My #1 song for him) Ill take it as a sign! I need something
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  14. Lori68

    Lori68 Member

    Sue M - There ya go! I feel like once you see/hear/feel one time, you become more open and aware, more in tune. I feel like it shouldn't seem like a stretch either. You will just *know* it in your gut that it's him.

    I know I use the phrase "I feel," but that's because none of this is intellectual for me. I'm absolutely going with my gut and intuition/feelings.
    Sue M likes this.
  15. Sue M

    Sue M Well-Known Member

    So twice this week I heard the remake of Heaven by Bryan Adams and I kid you not, I turned the station both times and Bryan Adams version was on 2 times this happened It made me feel some calmness
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  16. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    As I am graced
    To search with the Magi
    To wait with the Shepherds
    To ponder with Mary
    To dream with Joseph
    And celebrate with the Angels
    I am thinking of You
    Not wanting to leave You behind
    Wondering what your experience was
    How did You change in the years we were apart?
    How did You experience God’s Grace?
    What were your dreams?
    I wish we could share our dreams
    In my heart
    I am bringing You with Me
    On my journey
    You are always in my heart.
    Sue M likes this.
  17. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

  18. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    90A10A61-7655-4A89-A948-81AC445B3521.jpeg Happy New Year Everyone…

    Carrying with me from 2021 to 2022
    Unanswered questions

    Still looking
    To You
    Sue M likes this.
  19. Rob67

    Rob67 Well-Known Member

    Very beautiful and appropriate. This is exactly what I am feeling.

    I'm still here to listen too.
    alwaysme likes this.
  20. alwaysme

    alwaysme Well-Known Member

    I am so sad this week. I want to talk to him so badly it hurts. My heart is breaking again. It seems to get harder when I’m overwhelmed. It’s hard to even fathom it’s real.