Saturday Nights are killing me.

Hey I just wanted to send you a virtual.hug. I hope your day got better. You're right keep trying! It's ok to feel down. Depression is a big part of grief but you saying that all you can do is keep going and trying shows how strong you are. Try giving yourself a task to complete each day.and see if that helps motivate. Definitely do your art when you're up to it. Remember we get it and we're here anytime to want to talk about how you feeling. It's good to.express though feelings.

 

These past two and a half years, I've come to the conclusion that we do learn to live with our grief as each day goes by, showing itself in different forms. Sometimes I manage to smile at my memories, a photo, a song, but other times, these triggers are unbearable to handle, causing a sobbing session or a loud scream. Even a simple visit to the supermarket still gets me into a panic, as I pass by particular food items/drinks that he loved. It's so difficult adjusting to this new life I hadn't asked for. I hate it when people who knew my C don't ever mention him, just talking about this and that, never ask how I'm coping, I notice how they often pretend they haven't seen me, when meeting them in the street by chance. Others who haven't even bothered to contact me, ex colleagues, ok, it was Covid lock - down at the time, no visits, everybody shut inside for months. But what about afterwards, when it was all over? Now, the excuse is probably that they've either forgotten or just think that a long time has passed, so there's no need now, what's done is done! I hope I never bump into any of these... I'm not usually one to bear a grudge, but this indifference is unacceptable and unforgivable. There a few understanding people, but they are the ones who have gone through the same grief of losing a soulmate. So I'm grateful to you all for being here, we can cry on each other's shoulders whenever we want and say anything we want, we will be understood, giving each other motivation and strength to go on.
Rose.

 

Rose, if it's any consolation, at the 2 & a half year period after
Linda's death, I was even more
down than you are now, with no
real hope, friends, or family. As
in Jonathan Santlofer's book,
The Widower's Notebook, a
memoir, I came to the realization that Linda would
NEVER be physically by my
side. I stayed out late, got drunk
in bars, didn't speak to anyone,
and went home depressed. I
couldn't sleep and had PTSD,
rehashing the. horrible scene of
Linda collapsing in front of me,
in a rehab unit of a nursing
home. I knew in my gut that the
peculiar way she fell, upside
down on the side of her bed,
that Linda was about to die. I
ran to get help, and the rescue
squad sped to her room. I waited in the front room with her
physical therapist and sobbed
uncontrollably with anguish &
guilt that I had bothered Linda
about something trivial that
morning, and that I wasn't as
affectionate toward her as I
should've been. Linda was
taken from the nursing home to
the hospital in an ambulance and I followed in another one,
with the sirens screaming . Even
now, 4 & a half yrs later, the
sounds of sirens can sometimes,
but not always, send shivers up
my spine. Bc of my manic
depression, which magnified the
horror of Linda's sudden death,
I voluntarily stayed at the ER ,
where Linda was dead on arrival. From there, I chose to
stay in a small psychiatric unit
rather than to be alone. I had been seeing a grief counselor.
She called me at the unit, and
suggested I stop drinking.Since
that was already happening, I
stopped upon discharge, and
haven't had a drink since. I
know I'm not alcoholic, bc I go
back to those same bars , but this time to hug & dance with my
female friends. One day, when
Linda had a premonition of her
death , she made me promise to
be healthy, try to be happy, if
anything happened to her. She
also didn't want me to live alone,
and even to find another
woman. I am doing the first two
promises, but actively seeking a
woman is not a top priority.
Being with female friends is
enough for me right now. I won't
say never to a relationship, but
if it happens, it happens...Lou

 

That sounds like a lot to manage alone. Are you able to work in any capacity? Being a Teacher is a very special profession. You must have enjoyed giving others' knowledge. Just like you are helping the rest of us here! I wonder if there is some part time job that you might consider throwing yourself into. Does not have to be teaching. It could be bagging groceries. There is much satisfaction in preparing ones groceries to get home without the bags ripping and everything falling out! I am worried about you being alone all the time now that your Son is gone. What do you think? Maybe? I work a part time job on the weekends. It truly has kept me sane. The support has been amazing. You deserve to feel this way. Kim Elizabeth

 

Wow Rose......People have to be educated I guess in proper etiquette on death/dying and how to treat those of us left in the wake of it all. I am sorry that you have had those experiences. It has been a Month for me since My Geo left me. The pain is unbearable at times. I wish all the time for it to be the day before He died so that I could have a chance to prevent it!!! And yes the people who have not bothered with me at all. Disgusting. I hope Better days are ahead! Kim Elizabeth

 

My job is dialysis three times a week for four hours a session. It is brutally hard and extremely draining. With travel time and the time it takes to get on and off the machine it's more like 16 hours a week. I really don't want to wear a tight uniform shirt and take orders from somebody. I just want to create art and possibly volunteer somewhere.. I appreciate what you said and would never rule out doing something. I just have no connections, friends or family. This is a painting I did yesterday.

 

Thank you Lou. I must say I always get teary-eyed when you tell the story of that day you lost your precious Linda. You were extremely brave to volontarily stay at ER and seek help, I'm glad you did and that you received the help you were so much in need of. I still keep going back to my C's last day with us, he was fine, a normal Sunday afternoon, then WHAM my whole life turned upside down!! In less than two hours. Lou, I know how you feel about those ambulance sirens. I jump when I hear them now, I hate that noise, I get into a panic, memories coming back, those visions in my mind, luckily I don't live in town, so I don't hear them much.
I'm sitting at my piano on another scorching hot afternoon, outside temperature is 104F at the moment! Stuck indoors again, all day, before it was due to the constant rain for months, now it's this heatwave that won't leave us alone. I only manage a bit of nature therapy early mornings, going for a walk outside on our property, when it's a little cooler.
Rose.

 

Lovely. Lombardo Da
Vinci. Everyone sees a modern art painting, through a different
lens. I see colorful fruits and
veggies I'm supposed to eat
due to my low kidney function.
I was not surprised by your
reply to well meaning Kim
Elizabeth. After retiring, I had
no desire to do part time, or
temporary work. With my
manic depression, it would
be difficult for me to work
undead much younger boss.
Lou

 

Thank you Kim Elizabeth, I do understand about wishing you could go back to the day before. We all have these thoughts of "If only I'd known...",but we can't predict outcomes unfortunately, if only we could.
You seem to have a very challenging job to keep you occupied, I'm sure this is helping you a great deal. I hope you will soon find some peace of mind, it will take time.
Rose

 

Rose, thank you for your kind
words about Linda's sudden
shocking death, like C's, when
our lives were forever changed.
I'm sorry I made you teary eyed.
I didn't expect to write about this
again today,and got choked up
writing it. Grief in Common,
though comforting , can also
be triggering at times. As for
your horrendous extremes of
weather, all I can say is that it
SUCKS BIG TIME !!!as our friend,
DEB says. With my manic
depression, I couldn't possibly
live where you are. I need a
balanced life without extremes,
just as my medications hold MY
extremes , mania or depression,
in check. When Linda and I
traveled the United States, we
realized that the best weather
for us was on the northern
coast of Massachusetts. Everywhere else, the summers
were too hot & humid, with no
breeze, and the winters were
extremely cold, with snow and
ice. Every morning, when I walk
past the ocean , I say a prayer
of gratitude to God, that I'm
still alive, and living in this
beautiful part of the world. I know I've said this on GIC
before, but we Grief Warriors
tolerate our repetition when
non members don't. Lou

 

Totally you get it. I know I need to find something in my life I just don't know what that is. We are starting our first real heat wave here. My son is now living in MILW and I am truly alone except for GIC and dialysis torture. Glad you like the painting. It's too hot here to want to do anything, and I don't have AC in the new place!

 

Rose, Reading this post brought me to tears. I could have written it except Ron passed on a Saturday that was like any other Saturday. Preparing for the holidays and for winter. We had a homemade meal and Ron ate like usual. It was starting to get cooler out and I made us chicken rice soup. I remember everything, morning to 9:24 pm. The next 2 hours were the worst 2 hours of my life. And now, just like you, ambulance sirens make me panic. They’re so triggering. Your loss of C is so much like my loss of Ron. Healthy and strong. No health issues at all. Ron would say, “ strong like bull” and sometimes then do the Tim Allen grunt. I’m so sorry you went from constant rain to this horrible heat wave. I have 88° and complaining. I can’t imagine 104°. I’m being a baby compared to you. Rose I agree with you that we do learn to live with our grief. We get stronger. And the people who won’t talk about our losses, people we all thought we’re friends or even family. I’m don’t with them. Holding a grudge in this case, I don’t blame you and would too. Everyone does seem to think we’re should be ok by now. There’s no time line they don’t get to decide we’re ok. Ron told me in conversations years before he passed to please live life. Enjoy life, be happy. Easier said then done. But just because he said those things doesn’t mean it can happen. I know without him saying those things he would want me happy. I feel I felt better a couple years back and now things are slipping again, there are some better days too. But this life we were given is hard. We each push forward and do our best and if we smile or laugh at something funny it’s a better day. And we have the best support group right here. Robin

 

Oh, crap, BroGeo,that's not good
to have no AC. Since you qualify
to be a "senior", perhaps the
senior center could provide you
with one, & have someone
install it. Bc I live on the ground
floor , with windows, I just put an oscillating fan next to my
face. Excessive heat & humidity
can be dangerous for seniors,
so they open Senior Centers,
with AC, for those who don't
have it. BroLou

 

I usually get really nice air flow here with ceiling fans and oscillating fans. I should look into what "help" is available. No one really helps me much. Not old enough to be "old" and not sick enough to be "disabled"... I'm in a twilight zone at 57! I remember the disappointment of the "bible waving jesus based" grief support group!

 

So sorry about your grief group
of Holy Rollers , as Linda called
them. I was glad to be in a
good widowed persons group,mostly women, in the
Senior Center. It has a wide
range of ages, the youngest
being a widower, about your
age, whose wife just died from
colon cancer. Maybe you could
inquire about other grief groups outside of your area, bc you do
have a car. Lou

 

Hey George! Looking into.what help is available would be good. You're not quite considered senior citizen in many aspects but maybe try income based programs. Then their may be some places that will help according to.your age. You just never no. Try some community centers or non profit organizations that are good at helping. I wish you luck with all of it.

 

Oh Robin, so moving reading your words, yes, it's unbelievable how many similarities. I know very well that 'seeming to feel better' feeling, and then suddenly plunging back into deep depression, overwhelmed by shock and sadness, I feel I have an emotional yoyo in my mind, going up and down, backwards and forwards. Thank God for this safe nest we have here together. If only we could meet, I can't believe I'm so far away from you all, but so close emotionally, because you all understand me like nobody else can,and I have total empathy for you all, too.
Rose

 

That's a very appropriate expression "twilight zone". I think I belong to that club, 56 next month, my C would have been 60 in a few weeks, and also our 28th wedding anniversary. August used to be such a happy month, dreading it now.
I live in a remote rural area, no support groups here, I don't think they exist anywhere in this country, anyway, grief is a tabù subject in our culture.
Thank you for your bright art, George, always look forward to exploring the bright colours and forms.
Rose.

 

Rose, I wish so bad we could meet. All of us. I think there would be a lot of tears many many hugs and happiness with feel good moments. We are each other’s families after all. Somewhere around 2 1/2 years I was feeling like I got this. Ron’s in my heart and my mind he’s everywhere I look, everywhere I am, he’s giving me strength. Then somehow it all creeps back in ever so slowly. I knew this was a hard road all along but it’s longer and harder then expected. I look at the positive, I’m stronger, I’ve learned a lot, I can and do smile and laugh I know I can and do trust everyone on GIC. And who I can trust in my day to day life. And I am stronger then I ever thought. It’s a learning process for sure and we’re all different and down different paths but also very similar. Karyn Arnold knew what she was doing when she created this site that’s for sure. I think we’d all be lost without all our friends here.
Robin