Saturday Nights are killing me.

Kim Elizabeth , thank you so
much for your reply, and
telling me where you live.
Some of the widows are
fearful of revealing the names
of their towns, but my feeling is
that we're safe on GIC, bc we
use only our first names and
communicate through the site.
Yes, I remember going to Dedham with my wife. I was born & raised in Plymouth &
visited Cape Cod as a boy.
Linda grew up on Cape Ann on
the North Shore. We met at a
party in Boston. We lived and
worked in different inland
towns , but always felt like
fish out of water, bc the ocean
is deep within our soul. When
we retired, we decided to
return to the place where Linda
grew up, bc it was less crowded.
I'm grateful that Linda & I were
able to travel & have weekend
getaways in all of the states of
New England. But,now, I have
no desire to travel, and this is
my forever home. Several years
ago , I decided to give up my
car ( I'm 74 now), bc I don't
like the way many people
drive: too fast, on their cell
phones, etc. Most of all , I hated
being tailgated when I was
trying to take a leisurely ride
in the countryside. When
necessary, I take a bus, or train.
The best thing is that I walk a
lot, and feel fit, and people say I
look younger. I've taken up
fast dancing . I enjoy dancing
with my female friends, all in
their 60s & divorced. None of
them want to get married again,
which is perfect for me, bc after
25 years of being married to
Linda, my true soulmate, I don't
want to get married again either.
You are having all the raw
emotions I had , for 2 whole
years after Linda died: anger,
guilt that I didn't "save " her
( which was impossible), crying,
not sleeping well, staying out
late,and drinking to ease the
pain and "drown in my sorrow".
I was spiraling down & had to
seek a grief counselor. This was
over 4 and a half years ago. It
may bring you some comfort
to know that though we can
never "get over" our grief, we
can somehow get through it.
I joined GIC 2 yrs ago. My one
regret is that I didn't become
a member earlier. You
are brave to reach out so soon
after George's death. Welcome
to the only other member from
Massachusetts. If we lived
closer, we could get together
like a few other members do.
If you want to email privately.
you can check off "Start a
Conversation" and use my
user name: Van Gogh. Then,
you can check off the box that
says locked conversation to
keep it private. I am doing that
with 2 widowers & 5 widows,
some of whom are communicating with each other
the same way. If you choose not
to do that, Kim Elizabeth, I will
be happy to "talk" with you on
GIC. Pleasant dreams for both
of us..... Lou

 

And My Wishes for all of "You" to have a Mind full of Beautiful Memories and a Heart full of Love to share with another Human that is Brokenhearted or simply just in need of what True Love feels like! I am Hopeful that "WE" can Share that while we remain on this Planet without Our Soulmates. And we pull out a new canvas and start a new Story. One that spreads the joy and creates colors the like of which we have never seen before or perhaps a simple step away from one that gave us profound happiness. I know much is possible. Just too Sad to navigate that journey right now. Looking for Kindness here in My Nest in Massachusetts. Grateful to all.... Kim Elizabeth

 

I will put some thought into that. I promised myself, no decisions for me right now. Too Broken. But you will hear from me on the thread.

 

Lou, I'm not sure where to even start. Two days ago, I was in one of those dark places that we all know too well and really needed help. Having found this site a few months ago, I gathered enough courage to reach out to what I thought was the soft shoulder of empathy offered by the site. Your response to my words of "drowning in loneliness" was that there was no way in hell you would want to be me. You can't know how that hurt. After discarding many more colorful descriptions, I settled on calling it a lack of "compassionate understanding". Your attempted justification was that you "should have put it another way", the same thought but just another way. I was gratified by your grudging apology until you got to the end and couldn't accept full responsibility. You had to water it down by saying that MY words were "a bit harsh". In comparison to yours!? I am disappointed at myself that I was unable to restrain myself from stooping to this level of response, but I am also capable of justifying to myself that it is well-deserved.

Ironically, the timing and placement of my posting is in the midst of the truly uplifting conversation between you and Kim Elizabeth. I have reread your conversation several times to reinforce the meaning of what I had envisioned this site to be. And this is not an exception to the rule. Over and over I have gotten inspiration from the words of so many whose credibility is established by our common experience, our grief in common. I don't intend to give that up.

 

Jeff, just woke up at 6:30am. and read your long response to me.
You are obviously a very
intelligent, educated, and
compassionate man. One
could say that about me, also.
I know you were deeply hurt,
and I'm truly sorry to add to
your misery of loss over the
death of your dear soulmate,
Janet. But, you did not
acknowledge my hospitalization
for suicidal ideations and
manic depression ( now
called bipolar disorder). It took
courage for me to write about
my mental illness , which
magnified the horror of seeing
my wife, Linda,collapse right in
front of me, then soon die. As far
as I know, I'm the only one on
this site who has manic
depression, which is caused by
a chemical imbalance in the
brain.There is still a stigma
about this form of mental
illness.which is why I've told
only a select few of my friends.
After Linda died, my grief
counselor was a psychiatric
nurse practitioner. There was a
reason for that. She had to
guide me through my tremendous guilt and
unbelievable sorrow, but ALSO
my manic depression. Every
Grief Warrior here is extra
sensitive, including me. Manic
depression makes me even
more so. I can be balanced if I
sleep, eat, and exercise regularly,
with a minimum of stress, and
have supportive people
around me. When Linda
shockingly & suddenly died,
I had none of those things,
hence the stay in a psychiatric
unit. One person on GIC understood my mental illness
more than anyone here, because her son has it also. In Tom Zuba's
book, Permission to Mourn,
and in his lectures on YouTube,
he advises us mourners to take
nothing personally , which he
admits is a very hard thing to
do.Thank you for your kind
comments about my talk with
one of our newest members,
Kim Elizabeth. Lou

 

Lou, I am truly sensitive to the mental stresses that you suffer as a result of your unbearable grief. Even if you did not have any mental issues, the loss of Linda alone would be more than you could be expected to handle. Mental stress has obviously impacted your life greatly and put pressures on you that I have not had to face, but there are reasons why I did not address those personal matters in your life. I cannot know how those conditions affect you, and I chose not to make any assumptions regarding such sensitive private matters. But since you have chosen to make mental issues part of the discussion, I will do the same. If this site were not anonymous, I would not reveal what follows and would simply withdraw from the site.

Janet suffered from bipolar disorder as a result of tragedies that she could not emotionally overcome. Her only sister, her only brother, her only son (from her early life before me), and his wife all died of cancer in their early forties. I went through those tragedies with her and saw their destructive impact on her. Janet received psychiatric treatment and medication all the years that we were together. I am all too familiar with the drastic fluctuations in behavior, including suicidal tendencies, that result from bipolar disorder. I spent my life devoted to her and will remain devoted until my last breath. We lived isolated and alone together to minimize the stresses of what most consider to be routine life, and now it's just me living alone. When my time comes, we will be alone together forever. The words "Alone Together" are carved into her gravestone near our cabin with her ashes underneath, and my gravestone with the same inscription and the same date as her last day sits next to hers awaiting my ashes. The words "Alone Together" came from the title of her favorite story of an elderly couple who shared their final years living alone together on an otherwise deserted island off the coast of Maine.

You also noted that I did not acknowledge your hospitalization for suicidal ideations. Again, a subject that I intentionally avoided. When I was in my twenties, my father committed suicide with no note and no determined reason. He was the rock of our family that fell apart after his death. My younger brother was in his teens and has been under psychiatric care ever since. His condition has unfortunately deteriorated further over the years, and he now requires periodic electric shock treatments. He has attempted suicide twice in recent years with overdoses and was involuntarily committed by the authorities to a mental facility after each instance. He and I are close and have frank discussions, but you cannot prevent suicide by a determined person.

I'm sorry for being frank, but there is one final reason why I chose not to delve into the personal issues of mental stress. The reason is that I don't accept mental stress to be a justification for inappropriate treatment of another person. I myself have issues of mental stress and pressure. Since the loss of Janet, I have undergone professional therapy, over-medicated on prescription drugs, had thoughts of suicide, etc. So has probably everyone on this site in one way or another suffered mental and emotional anguish. There just isn't anything special about my lot in life that excuses my behavior toward another person, especially one who is likely suffering the same anguish that I am.

Well, that's that for what it's worth, and I am worn out!

 

Oh, my God, Jeff, if we met in
person, I would hug you for
all you went though with
Janet's manic depression, your
father's suicide, your brother's
electric shock treatments, and
your own suicidal ideations.
One thing that really disturbs
me is when I see a person
( usually a man) do a mass
shooting , & the media says that
person has bipolar disorder,
adding to our stigma toward
the illness in our society. What
the media does not say is that
the mass murderer is most
likely "off his meds". I have
been on meds since I was
hospitalized & put on Lithium
at 30. Lithium was the gold
standard for treating manic
depression at that time. However, the serious side
effect was damage to my
kidneys, and I had to go into
a psychiatric ward of a
hospital again, for 10 days ,
in 2006, so I could be taken off
Lithium and take comparable
meds. My low kidney function
requires a new renal diet &
more exercise. I've always
enjoyed walking, but I recently
discovered the joys of fast
dancing, with my female
friends, all divorced, who don't
want to get married. Perfect
for me bc I don't either. But,
I love the hugs, smiles, and
conversations with these
women. At first , I felt guilty
that I was having a good time,
and ""cheating" on Linda. That
feeling went away when I
remembered the promise I
made to her to try to be healthy
& happy. I understand now
why you & Janet needed a
quiet life. You & I are opposites,
and that's OK. Enough said on
that for now, I hope, Jeff, bc I'm
worn out , too. I look forward
to welcoming & giving comfort
to new members, and being
comforted in return, like you
do. Lou

 

Dear Lou and Jeffry, May you both be safe. May you both be peaceful. May you both be healthy. May you both live a life of ease. Gary

 

God Bless you, Brother Gary.
and the horse you rode in on !!
, Lou T.

 

Karen,

Thank you so much for your continued support and caring. You were one of the first ones to welcome me to our GIC "family." I will NEVER!!! forget how much "talking" to you helped me back in the days when I was totally in a daze, 24/7, nothing seemed real, and yet, everything was all too real.

All I wanted to do was to stay in bed, pull the covers over my head, and NEVER!!! get up again, but somehow, with your support, and the support of TGW, I managed to get out of bed, and survive the very darkest, most challenging days in my life, slowly morphing into who I am today, now that Bob can no longer be with me (physically). I don't think I'm done morphing yet.

The difference between now and then, is that I'm no longer dreading the future, and am starting to look forward to it. I wouldn't have gotten to this point without you, and TGW...

I wish we lived closer together... I wish so much we could share tears and smiles, maybe even some lol moments in person, TUTTAM!!!

As always, sending you and Winky, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. Debster & Skye Queen

 

Robin,

It gave me an lol moment when you said "at least it's appropriate." Lol moments are so important as we continue along this bittersweet path that not one of us would have chosen to take.

Thank you for the lol moment, in what is quickly morphing into one of the hottest, most miserable days so far this season, in TUTTAMVILLE. As I'm "talking" to you, I can hear thunder in the background, but unfortunately, once the storms are over, it goes back to being just as hot, or hotter than it was. Enough of this.

I hope you and Teddy have the best day you possibly can, and that Mother Nature is being kinder to you...

As always, sending you, Teddy and Slinky, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

So mad and upset yesterday... This has been a horrible week!
Dialysis; four hours of sitting still in an uncomfortable hard chair with two enormous needles in one arm and a tight annoying, irritating blood pressure cuff on the other and the ignorant disrespectful P.of Sh*T next to me is jabbering on his phone for FOUR HOURS non-stop! I just totally lost it it took EVERYTHING in my power not to yell out louds "SHUT THE F**K UP!" Who in the hell has something to say for FOUR HOURS! I know I shouldn't complain oir care but I needed to vent to the most wonderful people out there. Trapped in this miserable uncomfortable chair with this A-Hole loudmouth next to me, I feel dirty being mad. Maybe I'm overreacting.. My grief this week has been hard enough without this added stress and annoyance. And there's nothing I can do!
Thanks for listening fellow Grief Warriors! Much love and support to all!

 

Poor Debster! You, Rose,and
George have the worst weather
of all of us. My fantasy is that
all TGW could visit my area
on the northern coast of
Massachusetts ,where it's usually 70s or 80s, with occasional
heat waves in the 90s ( 3 days
in a row) & some rain , but
not the torrential ones which
Rose & DEB have. Keep cool &
hydrated Debster & Skyester!
Lou Travolta
from Lobsta ( how we
pronounce it !) Land

 

At least today is lower humidity and a high around 80 in BerwynTown!

 

I’m happy to give you that rare lol moment. Hope your weather isn’t too bad. I know Skye needs his walks.
❤️ Robin, Teddy and Slinky

 

Hey I'm sorry you've been through so much but I'm happy you're still here to tell us about it. It seems that things get worse sometimes before they get better so there has to be a rainbow coming at the end of those storms you've endured. Grieving definitely don't make dealing with stuff any better because it makes you think of the good times with your partner and how things would be different with them. You are strong and have you've proven it by sharing all you've been through. I pray that your strength continues to grow.

 

I'm sorry you were having a rough day and hope today is a little brighter for you. You're right.its a day that we've all had. Grief is depressing and sometimes puts a person in a dark place. Some people place may be darker than others at time but it's still dark. Expressing yourself is a great things that's why this site is so special. We no somewhat what each other is feeling. Even though we all dealing with it in different ways we still get what the other one is going through. Reading some of your story let's us no that you never no what all someone has been through. We will never no all of each other's story but doesn't make what one person going through worse than another's. From.what many have said here grief has put us all in some type of depressing state at some time during the process. Being able to talk about it shows your stronger than you think. Praying we all continue to get stronger with each passing day.

 

No, not over reacting in the slightest. That’s just plain rude! Holding that frustration in had to make your blood pressure go up. I remove myself when things get too crowded or too noisy. You didn’t have that option. I feel for you dealing with that. Praying today is a better day. ❤️ Robin