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Saturday Nights are killing me.

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by CancerSign64, Jul 2, 2023.

  1. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Kim Elizabeth, Reading your story and how you lost George while you were in the hospital just makes me ache for you more. Your loss is so very recent, I’m impressed by how quickly you found this site which is what we all but don’t all reach out to find. We need people who understand. I can’t imagine getting that phone call while you were in the hospital. I happy to hear your brother lives next door, so you do have family that can support you. I’m also happy to hear that you’ve let some people at the nursing home know your situation. Holding it all in is not good plus it’s also almost impossible to hold it in. I’m afraid there’s no time frame for when you might feel some better. We’re all different in how we grieve and mourn. I didn’t find this site until it was almost a tear since Ron passed. I was seriously not in a good place. This site was the help I needed. Most of the people who helped me aren’t posting on here any more. I’m still on here because it still helps me every day. I still have times I can’t believe I’m alone, or feel like I just people who understand. Ron and I owned and operated a business together for 38 years. I had to close and empty our business because I couldn’t run it alone. We were a team and needed each other. I had to empty everything or keep paying rent. My 2 children and both brothers and other family members helped as they could. Some days I would walk in, burst into tears and leave. Even writing about it is hard. So enough on that for now. We had a family vacation planned that I canceled and that when we cleaned our business out. We were discussing retiring and planning on traveling, Ron was 63 when he passed and so ready to start enjoying life. I have RA and I wanted to stay in business cause it was my therapy, we agreed on a date but that never happened. I ache when I think how I asked him to stay in business, he could have enjoyed some time without work dictating every move. Be sure to be kind to yourself. George is with you forever. You helped each other become the people you were and are. He’s a part of you and I know he wants you to be ok. Take things slow. And as you’ve seen you have a whole community here on GIC to give you support. ❤️ Robin
     
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  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I’m ok Kim Elizabeth, sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. Thank you so much for thinking of me, I appreciate it so much! I was just thinking how brave you were burying George’s ashes on his birthday. I know that wasn’t easy. I have Ron’s ashes in my living room. To quote Ron, don’t put my ashes in anything special use a shoe box and don’t have me front and center. Sorry Ron you’re in a very special box with humming birds on it. Which was a favorite past time of ours. And you’re in the living room. Oh well. When my brothers or other people stop by, they say hi Ron. I love that. I’m thinking of you and hoping you’re doing ok. Robin
     
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  3. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    I have a nice shiny wooden box full of your ashes on my shrine shelf... I am crying and raging... I am totally alone tonight... Happy Birthday Sweetie! I Love You!
     
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  4. Kim Elizabeth

    Kim Elizabeth Well-Known Member

     
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  5. Kim Elizabeth

    Kim Elizabeth Well-Known Member

     
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  6. Kim Elizabeth

    Kim Elizabeth Well-Known Member

    Hey,,,. Sorry that you are alone and raging. Special Days are very difficult. I am here. Thinking of you. I wish I had words to soften the blow. But being New to this...I offer my Kindness and Support . Kim Elizabeth
     
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  7. Kim Elizabeth

    Kim Elizabeth Well-Known Member

    I Love that Robin!!!! And You are so Right, burying Geo's Ashes on his Birthday was extraordinarily difficult. I was so Sad today. A beautiful Summer Day with out a walk with my tiny hand in his Big Carpenter hand. He would pull me into him by tickling my side and kiss me until my neck ached~~as he was six feet to my five feet! Cried most of the day. Snot and all. Kim Elizabeth
     
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  8. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    The love and support from my GIC friends means the world to me! Thank you!
     
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  9. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    I just look at Valerie's shrine shelf and I feel IT!
     
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  10. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    I keep trying to be strong and do my best! I appreciate your love
     
  11. Kim Elizabeth

    Kim Elizabeth Well-Known Member

     
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  12. Kim Elizabeth

    Kim Elizabeth Well-Known Member

    Robin.....This is just what I needed to hear. Thank You/ I really understand where You and Ron were at. Geo and I were about to get an Inheritance and really be together! Now What Do I do??? Maybe we could talk one day. I would appreciate hearing how you coped. I don't know what the rules are. As I want to help all of us. But seems as though we were really in similar places when we lost our Loves! Also, we both have Autoimmune diseases. I have Addison's Disease. I feel like we could really help each other. maybe a group? Let me know what could work. Best Kim Elizabeth
     
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  13. Kim Elizabeth

    Kim Elizabeth Well-Known Member

    Good Buddy!!! I am so glad You did that!! Feeling "IT" had to be Awesome! Hang on to the feeling. You deserve it!!
     
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  14. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Kim Elizabeth, just woke up at
    6:30am, and checked in with
    Grief in Common ( GIC) like I
    always do. I was pleased to see you "talking" with Robin, whose
    husband , Ron,died suddenly, and shockingly , around the same time as my wife, Linda,right before Thanksgiving,
    2018. All I can tell you is we
    never "get over" our grief over
    the deaths of our soulmates, but
    we somehow "get through" it, and it softens with time. Some
    of the members on GIC do it
    by continuing to work at their
    jobs , like you. Others care for
    their children . I'm retired and
    do neither. I was very alone
    the 2 years after Linda died, and
    drank & stayed out late in the
    hopes that it would ease the
    pain, but it just made it worse.
    I had to see a grief counselor.
    She kindly suggested this site
    which I joined 2 years ago. I started to make friends, both on
    & off GIC. I even met a few
    female friends, all divorced, late
    60s ( I just turned 74, but look
    and feel 10 years younger). We
    all hug each other and dance
    at the same bars I went to before
    I met them. I know I asked you
    this before, Kim Elizabeth, but I
    noticed you're the only other
    member here who lives in my
    state of Massachusetts, and
    wondered if you are anywhere
    near the ocean. As I've told others here, I feel blessed to
    live in a friendly small town by
    the ocean ( the North Shore) .
    Every morning as I gaze out to
    sea, I say a prayer of gratitude
    to God,
    that I'm still alive, and living in
    this beautiful place. Sometimes
    I sit on the same bench upon
    which Linda and I sat. looking
    out to the horizon, and the
    changing tides. It gives me
    comfort and a connection. to
    Linda. Lou
     
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  15. Jeffry

    Jeffry Well-Known Member

    I'm having one of those days that we have all had when the weight of loneliness goes beyond just the everyday sadness of seeing other couples holding hands or unexpectedly hearing her favorite song on the radio. It's one of those days when you are drowning in loneliness and can find no life raft. I suspect that my condition has been triggered by so many sad words from so many of you on this particular thread of discussion that has expanded from Saturday night to a seemingly unending grip of loneliness. As always, I will somehow recover from my temporary hopelessness to just "routine" sadness, but being able to express my thoughts here help pave the way.

    On a more philosophical perspective, I am reminded of the book, "Desert Solitaire: A Season in the Wilderness", written by a former park ranger stationed in the desert of southeast Utah whose job required him to be alone for weeks, or even months, without seeing another person. I live a remote isolated life myself and can relate to many of his recollections, but I quote a relevant selection of his words: "Alone in the silence. I understand the dread which many feel in the presence of primeval desert, the unconscious fear which frightens not through danger or hostility but in something far worse---its implacable indifference". It occurred to me this morning how applicable his description of physical loneliness was to emotional loneliness. His physical death miles from anywhere, while of obvious monumental consequence to him, would go unnoticed in the overall scheme of things. Nature is indifferent to the passing of any of its inhabitants. While my emotional turmoil from the bottomless pit of my loneliness without Janet is of monumental consequence to me, it doesn't exactly make the headlines of the local newspaper. Again, the turmoil in my little life is of no consequence to society in general.

    The fallacy in my logic is that while there may be "implacable indifference" for the world in general to my emotional dilemma, there is no indifference from those of you on this site who are reading my words. Regrettably, each of you is all too familiar with the emotions that have driven me to make this posting. In fact, I know that each of you feels empathy, not indifference, to my outreach. Whether or not my analogy hits home, I'm sure you understand what I am trying to say. Being able to express myself openly is part of the process of paving my way back from the bottomless pit. For that, I am grateful.
     
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  16. Heyhoney

    Heyhoney Active Member

    Jeffry you have so aptly described the bottomless pit of loneliness. If I could I would transport you into my kitchen and we would share a cuppa just to have another voice to balance the internal conversation and thoughts we have. Those darkest of days sometimes reach out and grip you and it is hard to escape. After my son died I was filled with anger that the world kept spinning. There were no memorials or trees planted in his honor. He was just gone and the world didn't skip a beat.
    Eventually those feelings morphed into something calmer. Like a secret I share with only god. We know how amazingly wonderful he was. It became enough.
    Now with Howie's passing I know that I have found it hard when "family" are the one you look to for support but they simply cannot grasp this loss. I have found I don't even speak of his name any longer when they "pop" in to "check on me". I can't stand the awkward silence if I mention him. But I think that is what we need. We need to say their names, relive the memories, cry the tears again and maybe one day laugh as we recall a particular funny we shared. Because no one else shared the love and life we did with our partners no one knows what it's like to live without them. They were unique to us. I so wish I could pick up a book and read but the grief has taken that enjoyment away too. I understand the need to let some of those feelings escape on to the page. I have stopped fighting when the emotions get too much. If I'm going to have a day crying then I let the tears fall. But I know tomorrow is another day and with it comes hope. I hope tomorrow you find yourself comforted by a memory of Janet that only the two of you shared. Your little secret. Hugs to you, Kelly
     
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  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Kelly, I'd rather be in your
    kitchen , drinking coffee, than
    to be so alone & isolated like
    Jeff. I'm in my 70s like he is.
    Forgive me , Jeff, for saying this:
    there's no way in hell I'd want to
    be in your shoes. Actually, I was,
    for a brief period of time, but
    it felt like an eternity. When
    Linda collapsed, then died, in
    front of me at 68, I was in a
    state of shock. I couldn't sleep
    bc I had an endless loop of her
    death, in slow motion. I suffered
    PTSD, had suicidal ideations,
    and had to see a grief counselor.
    Linda was my best ( & only)
    friend & family. We were
    married 25 years, no children.
    It astounds me that I have to
    write about Linda ( yes,it's good
    to honor her by repeating her
    name)in the past tense, bc she'll
    always be part of who I am. I
    voluntarily went to the ER, then
    to a 5 night stay in a psychiatric
    hospital. There was no way I
    wanted to spend Thanksgiving,
    2018, alone . It was good to
    wake up that morning & see
    other people, and I've done it
    ever since. God Bless both of you
    & the rest of the members of GIC.
    Lou
     
  18. Jeffry

    Jeffry Well-Known Member

    Lou, So much for compassionate understanding of those who disapprovingly bare their soul. I got your message.
     
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  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Jeff, those who know me on
    here, know that I meant no
    offense. I should have put it
    another way. I have manic
    depression. Though treated
    with medication, I can be
    blunt, with no filter. I guess you
    hit a nerve. When I was in a
    psychiatric hospital once, I was
    put in a room by myself. It felt
    like solitary confinement.
    When I was discharged, I vowed
    that I would have people around me. Since I had no family or
    friends, I made new ones. I just
    turned 74, and have concerning
    health issues. Linda made me
    promise to be healthy and
    happy, and I'm keeping my
    promise. I don't want to get
    sick, not tell anyone, and die,
    as if I had never lived. Perhaps
    your words to me were a bit
    harsh, after I told you my
    history, Jeff. Lou
     
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  20. Kim Elizabeth

    Kim Elizabeth Well-Known Member

    Good Evening Lou. Thank You for the wonderful reply to my writings to all. Today is 4 weeks!! I was absolutely paralyzed with pain in my Heart today. Slept on and off. Trying to decide if I should throw away the Defibrillator pads that are on my Living room floor since they tried to save my Geo. I am very grateful for finding GIC. I can see that all of you have been through a lot. I am still licking my wounds. And Angry. Still thinking that I should have been here to save Him. Because in reality, I was supposed to be here. I am suffering because of that. But that will not bring him back. I am waiting for him to communicate with me from Heaven. Nothing so far. Or maybe I just don't recognize it! I live in a suburb of Boston. Dedham. You know that area? We have lived here for 25 years. So Happily. Look forward to your response.
     
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