Saturday Nights are killing me.

I wanted to come here today because I know that Saturday nights are difficult. I hope I can make this a regular visit on Saturdays because every Friday is my own personal day of endless challenges. It's plainly important to convey support and empathy whenever you get a chance, or you sense that you need to do it. So, it is with me today...sensing a need to comfort others on a Saturday night of longing for it.

Comfort is a tough thing to explain to someone who doesn't understand how to provide it. I have failed to do this so many times over the past 11 months. I know I'm not alone experiencing this kind of frustration. But there is one formula that has recently got my attention and I'm starting to listen differently to people because of it. I've always been a good listener and it's because I learn so much from people and I'm eager to learn new things and find understanding about things that puzzle me. Don't laugh now, but sometimes I feel like I'm beginning to think like a psychologist even though some people think I'm crazy. I won't go into that here, I'm too new and it'll spill out into the public domain eventually.

What I'm talking about here are the subtle messages you can get from people that don't necessarily solve a problem directly, but they empower you in a way that changes 'how' you think, not what you think. Isn't this sort of what a psychologist does? For example, years ago Oprah Winfrey either said the following or a guest on her show said - 'Change the way you think, and your life will follow.' That is good advice and I've followed that advice a lot in my life. What do we do when we do not have a good grasp of the thinking options? I personally have never struggled with this, having found that answer in a line spoken by George C. Scott in a movie called 'The Day of the Dolphin". That movie was impactive in my life, and that was in 1973 quite a long time ago now (I just googled that). In the movie, Scott, as a Marine Biologist, was studying how dolphins communicated. There was one moment where Scott pondered the question, in his words (I am paraphrasing) - "...after millions of years as a land mammal, why did the dolphin 'decide' to return to the sea?" He followed that up by saying "there are infinite possibilities". I was in my early 20's then and that movie changed the direction of my life. I became an activist believing in making a difference and holding onto the promise of infinite possibilities. That takes a lot of listening, but it also takes awareness to truly unveil the brilliance of your own soul.

What do we do with a soul in grief on a Saturday night? For me, I'm going to apologize to a dear friend I inadvertently worried with an incomplete thought. At first upon finding this out my reaction was ....oops. Then I thought, how could this have happened when the message I was intending on sending was abandoned because of an error message I didn't have time to cope with. So, I relied on 'infinite possibilities' and went to a plan B - later. But the damage was already done, and the result worried my friend. Do you know how grateful I feel knowing someone cared so much that they worried about me, on a Saturday? Sometimes, oops just doesn't cut it. So here I am, on a Saturday night, telling the world about my failings while also giving reassurance...that I'm listening and thinking about the loss in your lives.

Be open to what others have to say and you will discover something that changes the way you think...so your life can follow.

 

Tonight I'm thinking alot about gratitude. So often when I wake in the middle of the night, my thoughts automatically go to negative territory. I have gotten better with this, .. ....these reproachful thoughts of family members and acquaintances that just weren't there for me ..empathetically..when I needed...
But I have been practicing gratitude more and more lately, something someone kind mentioned to me a while ago. Reading more about it as well in books...
And tonight I have to admit, I am feeling grateful for the small things from people who couldn't give me full blown empathy. And I am immensely grateful to those who have listened and who have shared their stories.
I am feeling more peaceful tonight than I have in a long time.

 

I am going on three years since Valerie's dying time started.. The ups and downs have been continuous... more downs really. Severe Depression
Anhedonia (I get joy from nothing)
Stress
Anxiety
Fear
Saturday night is dialysis and back to my lonely aparatamant
At around 33 months.. I still feel disconnected and thwarted. All I can do is keep on keeping on and being kind to myself and others.
This is the first time I've ever lived Alone!
I was never ready for this..

 

I hear you George, first time for me too living alone. It's very strange and very lonely. But, here we are, now what? I guess it's learning time to cope and find some kind of existence. Let's keep on trying as you say,

 

Not my first time living alone...and that was lonely, but this is so entirely different...the silence sometimes whispers and most times screams to me.

 

And the VOID in the house is indescribable.

 

Living alone is a rollercoaster for me. There are many days now where I am getting along surprisingly well, finding some satisfaction with arranging my surroundings to my liking, settling into routines that work for me and managing living at a pace I can handle. Where it all goes south for me is the unexpected things that happen. I don't seem to have the confidence I used to have in a loving partnership. Problems feel like a bleeding is occurring making me think about bigger trouble coming and then there's a sense of panic. I do feel stressed. It's not that I can't handle minor stressful matters, it's that I can allow those to become bigger stresses than they warrant. When I become weaker in those moments the sadness, I feel from my loss intensifies, and it spreads. I start feeling bitter over the lack of empathy I have received from the beginning. That in turn deepens my sense of loss, deepens the feelings of being alone and before I long I'm sitting here contemplating the next thing that MIGHT happen to make things even worse. What concerns me about isolation is that the moments I'm not feeling isolated (engaging with someone over something, even briefly), when that ends, I feel like I'm being tucked into a cave again, where I don't matter, where empathy is non-existent again. I know all that sounds like I'm teetering, like on the edge of depression. I've been thinking a lot about that for about a week now, still collecting my thoughts as I look for a greater grasp of what is happening. I'm not expecting some singular revelation that ends the problem. What I need is caring. It's not enough to just care for the sake of caring, which is critical to do. It's feeling cared for, cared for what I think, matters - my sense of wellness. That's different than empathy, and different from what we see as purposeful living - also a critical thing to do. This is what I mean about 'singular' revelation. It's more complex than we understand and have the capacity to explain. Telling someone how to comfort you, because you're worthy of it, seems impossible to do. But it's also a sad reality those of us in grief must cope with. There's a feeling of injustice to it at times, and when we feel that we aren't happy with ourselves, feeling it diminishes us. It further erodes the sense of self-worth.

I pray every day now since coming to this site that people will comment more and engage on all these difficult issues. I'm aware that many may be further along in their grief than I am. I must read more and be open to others. I've noticed that a lot of 'guests' visit here. Please, register, let people here that want to give you empathy and support provide it. We need it, and we need to care about you, learn from you too.

 

Reading your words feels like....looking into a mirror of my thoughts and feelings.
I'm in the middle of reading a book (not grief related) and I came across this line ..
Fear was keeping me small and not allowing me to become who I was meant to be.
This really stood out for me. I'm learning more about my fears, I think I'm understanding them more after the first few months this year when the fear was really more of an 'I am completely alone in this house, in this world, and I am very afraid..of everything'.
Then this summer it evolved into 'I'm afraid I won't know how to manage household maintenance and emergencies.' I would actually become nervous and stressed and anxious trying to pry the water filter cartridge apart, I might break it...I would get nervous trying to change these halogen lights that need to be removed with a suction cup device....they were trivial little things but my fear was real. I felt incapable of doing things on my own.
When the summer came and I had to hire contractors for projects and emergency help for plumbing issues, snakes in my laundry room, find lawn maintenance help...I think that is when my fears began to subside and my confidence start to grow. I had no choice but to get things done.
Now, when my mind goes to that place of...what if this or that happens....I stop myself and think...if this or that comes to be I will deal with it as best I can. Worrying about what ifs now serve no purpose for me except to heighten my stress and anxiety.
One fear I went through a few weeks ago almost did me in. I suppose I hadn't eaten enough that day and I was already feeling run down and exhausted a few days prior to this. I was outside with my dogs and decided to do a last walkabout for the dogs bathroom break...it was 6 pm and I walked down the 500 feet of driveway and a terrible dizzy spell hit me, my heart started palpitating and I felt on the verge of fainting. I was afraid. Very afraid that I wouldn't make it back to the house 500 feet away.
I talked to myself gently and thought...well, the worst that can happen is I faint and hopefully come to. The other thought I had was, suppose I do faint and not come to? Do you know my greatest concern was the dogs. With the gates locked on my property and no impending visits, all I could think was, somebody please find the dogs.
Fear is a complex emotion that I would love to conquer because I really do feel it diminishes me, prevents me from stepping forward, it freezes me, that is why I try to stop it in its tracks. And I think it's working for me.
When you spoke of needing to be cared for, that's another thing that's been on my mind.
But we can't go out and find care, we can't will it upon us, we can't ask to be cared about. I see it as this caring has to come from beyond, it has to come to us. It has to find us.
I've been doing alot of reaching out, out of my comfort zone to acquaintances to give me lifts into town as I can't drive anymore. What hurts is that being an introvert and homebody, I have gone above and beyond to reach out to people and make an effort to establish some sort of better acquaintance with them...but do I ever just get a phonecall or text asking how I am doing? Very rarely.
I wonder if people have time to care nowadays, all I hear from people is how busy their lives are.
This society needs to care, it's lost that ability in so many ways. I will end now as I feel my bitterness awakening.
Bless all of you here for caring, you are the only ones who understand.

 

Henry, I must message you soon. Everything you have shared I've gone through, but more.
Karen

 

Please do Karen... My name is Maud...

 

I too miss my husband the most on Saturday evenings. We always went out to a different restaurant and would sit for 2 to 3 hours just talking and enjoying being together. My children try to fill the void but it’s the times when I am alone and it just hits me that he is gone. Why is always my question but no answers ever come my way.