Replaying her death over and over

My Mom died a week ago. She was in palliative care. I was with her every day and when I knew she was going I sat by her for 16 hours talking, singing and reading poetry to her. I held her hand and watched her last breath.

It replays in my mind constantly. It makes me crazy. I find myself describing it silently like I am telling someone. Also just talking out loud describing it when I am alone. I feel traumatized somehow.

She was 91 and peaceful and we had said all the necessary things to each other. It’s supposed to be like a peaceful letting go (and it was) but I can’t shake the whole experience.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. My father's death was sudden, but I dont believe one is worse than the other. Knowing it's coming must have been so difficult.

 

Thank you for reaching out. i was just thinking today that sudden loss must be gut-wrenching. Both of my parents deaths were “expected”. How are you coping?

 

No too great to be honest. My father passed from a fentanyl overdose 2 months ago. My sister and I found him. Everytime I close my eyes I see his body. I keep trying to tell myself that it wasn't him that his soul had left but I keep wondering about what exactly happened. What made him relapse? Why didn't he just call me? The whys are the hardest. How about you? Have you tried any grief books or journals?

 

I can't imagine what goes through your mind in your situation. How very very sad. It's like a death plus terrible trauma for you and your sister. It must be hard.

No I haven't really tried any of those but it might be helpful. I am getting that push from my friends "Snap out of it." so to speak. I am not ready to go back to "normal life".

 

I feel like I would flip out on someone if they told me to "snap out of it" I am learning that this takes A LOT of time. And you're only a week in? I'm 2 months in and it's still so hard. We're having his celebration of life in a couple of weeks. I can barely go to the grocery store without feeling like I'm just going to panic. When you are ready for books check our "F**ck death" it also come with a journal which I'm working on now and it's helpful. Also Matt Fraser "We never die" is amazing. Please reach out if you ever want to talk. This is a long tough process and yes we have friends and family but friends don't truly understand unless they have gone through it and everyone deals with it in their own way so sometimes family is even tough to turn to.

 

Late reply to you. I have been swamped and somewhat overwhelmed with the task of getting the Executorship. I know it's just a process of working through it until it works but I have no idea what I'm doing. Thank you for the recommendation of the books and journal. Last week I had a couple days when I felt pretty good but today I am back to feeling blue. I haven't been going to the gym at all, which I generally like, but the thought of being in a group drains me. I am pretty introverted and being with people tires me out. But I keep reading "take care of yourself" so am trying to walk the line between taking time for myself and isolating because I am depressed. Hard to tell! How do you feel this week?

 

I'm so sorry. My mom was in palliative care as well and passed away on the 29th of November. I wasn't there, but I arrived 30 minutes later. I had no idea what to do and so I stayed with her lifeless body for close to three hours. I had developed habits, and so I applied lotion on her hands and vaseline on her lips just like I used to. That scared the nurses and so they left me with her for that long. She got colder and colder. I can't stop thinking about the last face she had. I'm so distraught and I'm consumed with wondering if she's at peace.

 

Hi there. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm new here and I felt compelled to connect back.

I'm going on 2 years December 24th, I still replay that day over and over, mostly at night while I'm trying to sleep or fall back asleep at 2am. For the first full year I had to take benedryl every night to stop my mind from thinking about it. My Dad had end stage lung cancer, he wasn't answering the phone and we just knew. We drove there and found him, still warm and leaning against the sink from hemorrhaging from his nose. He literally died leaning against the sink and still standing.

It's almost like PTSD- my brain is traumatized for finding him and then the 911 call, him laying there while we wait. The wake... everything. I understand where you are coming from.

It's not as bad as it is during the off season of holidays and birthdays but it's still there. Especially being the week of 2 year anniversary- it started up again last night so I'll have to start benedryl again to help me sleep. By no way am I offering medical advice, just saying what I had to do to help shut my mind off.

Time heals all and I hope you are doing well.