Recent Loss of my husband of 40 years

It is true. I never really understood until Marshall passed. I am so stupid that I had no idea how devastated I would be. But, now that he is gone, there is no joy or happiness in our home. I also will never be the same person. My life is over as I knew it. How can I go on? Yet, I have no choice since I do have a son. Sometime I feel like saying "how could you leave us?" "How could you go away and leave us without you?"

 

Spring was Marshall's favorite time of year. How can I enjoy a beautiful Spring day without him? Why can't he come home?

 

Daisy, as one whose wife and soulmate
died suddenly & shockingly in front of
me, like Robin's husband, Ron, and
Rose's husband, C.,in Italy, I can only say
that we can never "get over" the deaths of
our soulmates, but we have to somehow
"get through" the grief, and live, and
even enjoy the remaining years of our
lives, like our spouses wanted for us. As
the Frank Sinatra song, Cycles, says,
"Life is meant for living...." Lou

 

Thank you so much for your wise and kind words. This is the club that no one wants to be a member of and there is no way out. I am not young, but I am inexperienced with such unbearable grief. I am retired and work part time out of my home so that isn't very helpful to being social. I will start working again this Friday. I haven't quite figured out how to use this site. How do I see other people's postings that aren't just responses to mine. I would like to be supportive to others also, even though at this point I have little to offer since I feel only dark despair and endless sadness.

 

I just can't see life without him right now. He was my only true friend. He was always there for 40 years and now he is gone.

 

I'm having trouble with everything. Even watching tv is unbearable.

 

Daisy, the year after my wife, Linda, died,
I couldn't listen to ANY song without
weeping. One morning , over coffee,
I decided to listen to my favorite blues
song, Hootchie Cootchie Man, by Muddy
Waters. It was a song I liked before I met
Linda. It made me smile, bc it was about
a man who swaggered, had no fear, and
enjoyed life to the fullest. I've been listening to songs, and even dancing, when
a female friend asked me. Lou

 

Although I feel like I could never smile again or listen to any songs at all, your post gives me hope even though I feel hopeless. Thank you.

 

Daisy I know exactly how you’re feeling. I recall saying to my kids I don’t have a purpose anymore. Ron and I were together 24/7, we ran a business together. We were each other’s best friend. Married 41 years together 44 years, life changed in an instant. No illness no warning. I kept saying I can’t do this. Both my adult children told me they needed me. And that’s what makes me keep trying. My children. And knowing Ron would want me to be ok. I’m not ok but I try. Your son is your purpose. He might be leaving for college but he still needs his Mom. I’ve learned so much from Ron that helps me through so many difficult situations. I’m sure you’ve learned a lot from Marshall as well. Somehow I’m still here 4 years later what’s strange is sometimes it feels like forever and other times it feels like yesterday. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, but we do grow stronger and we do learn to smile again, I try not to hate couples out together I can finally listen to some of Ron’s favorite songs in little bits.
Sending you hugs! Robin

 

I am sorry for your loss. We all have woulda, coulda, shoulda moments its normal. In reality we loved them to the end. Your grief is fresh so don't try to push yourself too hard. Its good that you joined early because this is the best place to be for support. Talking to people that has been through it can help you through it. There is no judgment here. I lost my Gant almost three years ago and I still sometimes expect him to come through the door. For.a long time I just though it was a dream and everyday I woke up I expected to see him. He had health issues but nothing prepares you for this type loss. We had kids late two so my kids are young. They are my motivation to keep moving. I pray everyday to be strong and to be around for them. I pray for your strength with each passing day. Take as many deep breaths as you can and get lots of fresh air.

 

Hello Daisy, may I send you a big virtual hug from across the ocean? Like Lou has mentioned to you, I'm writing to you from Italy. I want to say to you also that everything you are feeling and thinking is absolutely normal, I still ask my C where he is and why isn't he here, where he should be? My friends here have sent you beautiful, comforting words and I'm so grateful I joined this site. We can all empathize with you here, as others who haven't gone through the loss of a soulmate cannot possibly understand,not even our closest family and friends. It's so soon for you and the feelings you describe are exactly the same as I felt when I suddenly, unexpectedly lost my beloved husband to a heart attack, just over two years ago. He was only 57,fit and healthy, leaving me and my two adult children with a complete change of life we hadn't asked for. Like Robin, I thank my son and daughter for giving me a reason to go on, I have to stay well for them, and also for my C, I wouldn't want to disappoint him. I carry him with me, in my heart, my, mind, my soul, he will always be part of me. This is my way of getting on with my life, I believe in "Continuing bonds". We are "one person" with our soulmates, we always will be, they're still here, even if not physically, and I think this gives us comfort and the will to go on. When you mentioned your son's graduation, you hit a chord Daisy. The first thing my daughter said, absolutely distraught and devastated, was that her dad wouldn't see her when she'd graduate from university, he had always been so proud of her (typical daddy's girl!). Well that day is closer now and I know she is thinking about this constantly. We will be present for our kids, even without our husbands, and do our best to make it a perfect day, in honour of their dads.
Sending you strength and hope to talk to you soon.
Rose.

 

Rose, this morning, over coffee, I'm rereading posts, to which I had attached a
"LIKE" in the middle of the night. I read
the posts by Daisy, Robin, and you. I am
moved by your statement about
"continuing bonds", and that our
soulmates are still with us, of not
physically. I have said repeatedly that
by walking with Linda's cane, holding
the cane which she held, is a powerful
reminder of her walking beside me. When
I've been going dancing with my male
buddies and new female friends, I have
shown them Linda's cane, put it in a safe
place, and lose myself in the music and
dancing. A video was taken, and I was
surprised to see how happy I looked. Linda would've been amazed and proud of me.
I think it's important to carry a symbol
of our soulmates ( in my case, Linda's
cane) as a manifestation of their presence.
Not quite as Lonesome Lou

 

Hey, John Travolta, it must be Linda's cane urging you to get onto that dance floor, wanting to honour her memory by ensuring you dance the night away with a big smile on your face, she would be so proud.
Which John are you, the Grease fifties rock and roller or the Saturday Night Fever Bee Gees disco-dancer?
Rose

 

Well, Rose, Linda loved Grease, and we
watched the movie many times,
together, so I have a soft spot in my
heart for that one. But, though not a fan
of disco, I liked how Travolta's character
couldn't wait to get out of his dull
existence, and get out in the night and
dance. Today, at my weekly drum
circle, I hugged my "music soulmate and
dance instructor", bc she's going on
vacation for a week. A buddy took a
video of us dancing, and when we
watched it today, we laughed throughout,
the way she swung me around, and put
her leg up at the end. Linda would've
loved this fun woman, and vice versa.
Lousterino