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Recent Loss of my husband of 40 years

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Daisy171, Mar 20, 2023.

  1. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    My husband of 40 years passed away on March 9, 2023. I am devastated and in complete shock even though he had been ill. I feel like crying every second and I feel complete guilt about everything I think I didn't do right, like I could have been nicer. We were older parents, so we have a son who is finishing his last year of high school and then will be leaving for college. I see no future. I see nothing but sadness and loneliness. I want my husband back if only for a moment, but I know he is not coming back. Any words of support ir understanding would be appreciated.
     
    Gary166, Rose69, RLC and 1 other person like this.
  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Daisy, your story of your husband's
    death, after 40 years, is heartbreaking.
    Words can't express how deeply sorry I
    am for you. I looked at your info, and see
    that I'm several yrs older than you, & that
    you live in N.Y. My wife, Linda, died
    suddenly in front of me, at 68. We were
    married 25 yrs, no children . That was
    over 4 yrs ago. Bc Linda was my best
    ( &only) friend and family, I was
    devastated, couldn't sleep, due to my
    PTSD. I had to see a grief counselor.At
    first, all I did was sob.She suggested this
    site, but I didn't join the kind people on
    Grief in Common ( GIC) until July, 2021.
    You have come to the right place, Daisy.
    May I ask your husband's first name?
    I feel that saying the names of our
    soulmates, honors their memory. Thank
    you. I'm the only member to live in
    Massachusetts ( on the northern coast),
    but my dear friend, Robin , lives on
    Long Island, N.Y. My name is Lou
     
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  3. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Daisy, I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Ron and I were married 41 years when he passed suddenly from a massive heart attack. There was no warning, he was always very healthy. We went out that day 4 years ago and bought everything for our Thanksgiving dinner, did chores and visited my daughter. That evening he said he didn’t feel well and things went downhill very fast. I called 911 and while he was on the gurney Ron yelled to me “I love you Robin” many times. I lost Ron 2 hours later. Like you I was in shock , how did this happen. And wanting him to come home. Your loss is so recent, the guilt the rethinking of everything outs all stages we go through. The crying is important to let happen. Don’t hold it in. I hope you have friends and family to give you support and accept any help offered. Even someone coming over for coffee is wonderful support. Try to get fresh air each day, my son made me promise I’d get outside each day and I did. At the time I wasn’t sure if it helped but looking back I know it helped and still helps me today. This is a long bumpy road but you will get stronger over time. This site is full of people who understand your feelings and there’s never any judgement just compassion and support. Visit this site often and read and share thoughts and stories. It does help. Make lists of things to do and add easy things such as feed the dog, and brush my teeth so you can check something off. I see you live in NY, what part of NY? Like Lou mentioned I’m on LI. Your husband helped make you the person you are today. In that way he is with you and will always be with you. Try to take care of yourself. Your husband would want that. Sending you hugs and prayers for peace and strength. Robin
     
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  4. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Robin, just woke up,and, as usual, checked
    in with GIC. It seems like a long time that
    I've "known" you ( through your
    writings). I think your reply to Daisy, is
    the best post you've ever done. It captured
    all the things I feel, about guilt, shock, the
    importance of walking outside, checking
    off a few simple things to have a purpose,
    and to engage with people. Thank you
    for mentioning my name to Daisy. As you
    know , I like to welcome new members
    and ask the names of their soulmates and
    from what part of world they are. Lou
     
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  5. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Thank you Lou, it’s bitter sweet welcoming new people. We want them to feel safe and loved and understood. But sorry they’re experiencing the nightmare of losing their other half. This site is such a blessing. I can’t imagine where I would be without it. I believe that’s true for most of us on here. It fills in where our family and friends just can’t. We’re all here whenever someone needs and also it’s ok to take a step back when everything feels overwhelming. Karyn Arnold created something very special here. Lou you and I wouldn’t even know each other. Along with everyone else. We all know each other quite well even though we’ve never met. Thank you again, Robin
     
  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Summer( I'm feeling better with the onset
    of spring, as I'm sure you are), I was
    moved when you said, if it weren't for
    Karyn Arnold creating Grief in Common,
    you and I never have known each other
    ( or the other Grief Warriors, as I call us).You are right that greeting a new
    member is "bittersweet" , to use one of
    DEB'S words. I would give all this back,
    if I could have Linda beside me again,



    physically. But, since that's impossible, it's
    very important that I meet people on and
    off GIC. Linda never met any of these
    people, which astounds me, but would've
    loved them as I do. Lou
     
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  7. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I believe Linda’s is with you Lou, and she knows your new friends. She’s by your side, encouraging you to live and enjoy life. As is Ron and all our soul mates. I am so looking forward to Spring. Certainly didn’t feel like spring yesterday. Very cold and windy. Today looks much better, sun is shining and it’s going to be mid 50’s. Can’t wait to feel the nice warm sun each day. Robin
     
  8. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Once again, Summer, I choked up when
    you said Linda is with me, knows and likes
    my new friends, and is by my side,
    encouraging me to live and enjoy life. As
    she became ill, she made me promise to
    try to be healthy , happy, and , as I've said
    here before, even find another woman,
    so I wouldn't be lonely. Well, I found
    THREE women, but they are my dance
    partners. All are about my age and
    divorced. We love going out, and we
    make each other laugh, as Linda wanted
    for me. Not as Lonesome Lou
     
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  9. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    I love that for you Lou. We all deserve happiness in our lives. Although Ron wasn’t sick we had those conversations too. He told me so many times to not waste time mourning him. To enjoy life and to find someone to share and enjoy life with. I made that promise as he did too. I can say I’m trying to enjoy life. I’m finding it very difficult, Ron would understand. For right now I’m sitting outside on my deck swing. Enjoying the sunshine and hearing all the winter birds singing, music to my ears. Spring birds will be here soon. Robin
     
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  10. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for getting back to me. Hearing from other people who have gone down this horrible road is helpful. But, still right now, it is unbearable. Everything I look at reminds me of him, which makes sense everything I look at is in the apartment which we shared for so many years. I just can't believe he is gone. I keep thinking "how could you leave me? how could you leave our son? now you won't be at his graduation." The pain is too great. I feel like I have no life without him. Why didn't I understand this before?
     
  11. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    I just want to thank everyone who responds to my posts or has anything to say to me about my terrible loss. I know you all understand having suffered similar losses. Spring is coming and summer and that was Marshall's favorite time of the year. Now he won't be here to enjoy it. He didn't make it to one more summer and I find that unbearably sad along with everything else. So much to do also and I feel I can't do anything.
     
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  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Summer, as you know, our weather is
    similar, and at about the same time. As I've
    mentioned , in my conversations with
    DEB, Karen, and Rose, my manic depression, which intensified my shock and anguish over my beloved Linda's
    death, is also affected strongly by the
    change of seasons. Like you, I find winter
    to be the worst, and summer, the best. It's
    a sunny , 50 degree day, with clear blue
    skies here. The sound of birds cheerfully
    chirping, lifts my spirits . Music is also good for my soul, as is seeing the ocean.
    I'm having lunch in my local cafe, while
    listening to a man sing & play the keyboard. It is comforting to see more
    smiling faces now, with the onset of
    spring. Today's Center for Loss quote
    captures my feelings. I'm glad Daisy just
    responded to us, and I really hope she
    stays on GIC. Lou
     
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  13. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Daisy, thank you so much for revealing
    your husband Marshall's name. That is
    part of healing: sharing one's thoughts
    of mourning , with others. I'm so glad
    you're staying in with us, on GIC. Lou
     
    Rose69 likes this.
  14. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    You’re very welcome Daisy. You didn’t realize because nothing can prepare us for such a loss. The devastation that comes with losing our life partners can’t even be imagined. People who haven’t gone through this type of loss don’t understand just how debilitating it feels. My brother just the other day said how he knows it’s life changing losing your spouse but we go on and things start feeling better. I told him I’m not the same person I was when Ron passed and I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again. He tries to understand. But he has his wife. You’re right, it is unbearable and everything and anything makes us cry. It takes next to nothing especially right after the loss, to just cry hard and long. But it is cathartic. Don’t push yourself to do things, most things can wait. We’re here to listen and offer thoughts. This is a great community of people here who understand. Robin
     
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  15. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you’re having a beautiful day Lou. I’ve signed up for the Center for Loss quotes but I don’t get them. Robin
     
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  16. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that you can't receive the
    Center for Loss quotations. Perhaps you
    could write to the founder, Dr. Alan
    Wolfelt.
     
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  17. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Daisy171 my name is Karen. As I was about to write to your post then I realized there is nothing more I can say after reading responses. I hope all the responses from us grief warriors will be a help to you.
    I lost my husband 2 years ago to cancer. I can put myself in your shoes with the newness of loss remembering back and going through everything you mentioned. The advice here will help you get through the rough parts and mostly it's a place to vent, scream, cry and dump your feelings. That's what we're here for. For me it's still difficult wishing my husband, Jack, was home again. I'm trying to live as best as I can until I meet him again. What helps is every morning before I get out of bed I pray to God and Jack to help me get through my day. I don't think of the future, I think only of getting through each day. Not thinking beyond one day at a time has help me not to stress out.
    I'm so sorry, it's devastating to lose your soulmate Marshall I think you mentioned his name. He will always be in your heart, your soul, your every day thoughts. He's with you. Karen
     
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  18. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    I’m having trouble with that too.
     
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  19. Daisy171

    Daisy171 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your thoughtful words. It is helpful to hear from other grief warriors. One of the worse things is my feeling that when Marshall passed on, he took all the joy out of our house with him. He was the life, the humor and the happiness. Now I feel that there is only darkness.
     
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  20. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    Dear Daisy,
    I hope this message finds you. I sometimes feel like I’m responding to someone, and then it looks like I’m just adding to the dialogue. So I am so sorry, Daisy! All of us, every single one of us, were where you are now: deep in shock, deep in pain, drowning in despair and grief. You are not alone! You are setting down the first few steps into the process and journey of grief. I’m so terribly sorry for the loss of Marshall! That guilt is so hard and yet so ubiquitous. It’s like it’s the heartbeat of grief. Intertwined with grief are all of the doubts, questions and guilt that come with the experience and pain of losing someone who you deeply love and cherish. I can only say that I have felt it, and still feel it, but I want to encourage you to let it go if you can. It’s not how your husband would want you to remember him. Marshall loved you. Everything you did was done out of love for Marshall. Try if you can to give some of Marshall’s love to yourself in this moment. It’s what he would do, don’t you think? I’m so sorry that you are here, Daisy, but I am sending you hugs and comfort. ❤️ I am new to this site, but please take comfort in knowing that you are not alone and it will get better. There are many people here who will support you far better than I can! I’m still working, young and inexperienced in grief. But I know that you are not alone!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
     
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