personal disarray

Discussion in 'Life After Caregiving' started by middlechild, May 13, 2019.

  1. middlechild

    middlechild Member

    ugh. i expect it will be clear this is just a vent post, right away. but a vent post is what i'm feeling a big need to make so here goes.

    i have been taking care of my dad. not living with him, except for a couple of months in the fall, and three months before that when he lived with me because his abuser had put him out of his house and he had nowhere to go when he got out of the hospital she'd put him in.

    but even after he went to the nursing home and things settled down a little, i have been taking care of my dad. i absolutely loved him and seeing him was a delight and i never did a single thing that was not whole-hearted and fully intentional. he was the thing that i wanted to do.

    but ugh. now he has died, and suddenly there's nothing for me to pay attention to but my own life. and let me tell you, it's lacking in charm. haven't opened my mail for six months. last time i recall vacuuming was oh, let's pretend it was sometime as recent as march. 'my' bedroom - the big real one - was the one i gave him when he came to live here, and when he finally did get to go back to his house i just kept on sleeping in the nasty little middle-wall room that i moved to when i took him in.

    it doens't help that my dad had pre-frontal dementia, aka 'cannot remember a thing' :p and while he was living with me he used to helpfully go downstairs every day and collect all my mail and then stack it . . . somewhere. for me to not find and not be able to focus on by the time i came home.

    i have been pouring all of my grown-upping into my dad. that always was obvious. it was also my choice. it was also necessary and the right path to take, if you ask me.

    i don't regret it, but now the problem is that the 'right path' is for me to sit down on the floor and deal with these tedious chores and i just don't wann.
  2. middlechild

    middlechild Member

    also, there are things in my fridge that i don't recognize. it would take a forensic anthropologist to figure out what they once were.

    i'm just going to keep spamming this thread - which is mine, after all - until i make myself laugh.
  3. Sheila512

    Sheila512 Well-Known Member

    Humor is a coping mechanism. Do you have a friend that can help you sort through stuff and get organized. If not. take 30 minutes at a time, take a break and hit it again . Get someone to empty the fridge...don't even look. Start fresh and clean and with a new attitude. It is your time to make time for you. Figure out what gives you pleasure and go for it....singing, friday night dance, music..arts and craft..there is so much you can do. Good luck and i am very sorry for your loss
    Julien likes this.
  4. AdriaStar

    AdriaStar Active Member

    I agree with Sheila, just start one task at a time. For me, it would be creating a haven in my bedroom. Start with the bed, pick up clothes, fresh sheets and blankets.
    I actually went the opposite way when my son passed, I became obsessively clean, almost OCD about it all. Got rid of stuff, cleaned, cleaned. Everything is blank, no signs of life. Just organized and clean. I felt so much was out of my control, that I could at least have that much control over stuff.
    Julien likes this.
  5. paul tinker

    paul tinker Well-Known Member

    I now have time to attend to deferred maintenance. In the caretaker role, all the focus was in that responsibility. I keep meeting people that have traveled this road. I appreciate their stories. One woman is the billing and insurance person for my dentist. She was the only one of eight siblings to go back to NYC and care for her grandmother. A woman in her life who looked out for the family. I was impressed with the commitment and so many decisions she made with the constraint of money. She is now going to nursing school with the intent of elder advocacy. That is admirable but so ambitious compared to my molasses-like goal setting. I think a little at a time. Some days I just stare. Others days have a calendar.

    Best to us all

    Paul M
    Julien likes this.