Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by dollygirl47, Dec 29, 2023.

  1. dollygirl47

    dollygirl47 New Member

    I lost my husband 2 weeks to Parkinsons..Stroke, etc.
  2. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I'm so very sorry to hear your husband passed away 2 weeks ago. I always HATE!!! saying this because words seem so shallow at times, now being one of them. I hope you know how truly sorry I am. Two words, one short sentence, says it all. It SUCKS!!!

    My husband, Bob, transitioned over 32 months ago. I was his full time caregiver from the beginning of 2018, until he died, in April, 2021. By the time he transitioned, he had a specialist for just about every body part. The last diagnosis he received was Parkinson's. Being a full time caregiver was the hardest, most challenging job, I've ever had, but, and this is one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I would do it all over again, if only I could... Bob was the one true love of my life.

    For many reasons, I'm not around much anymore, but I'm glad I stopped by this morning so I can "talk" to you. This is a wonderful site, filled with people who "get" what you're going through, something that no one can possibly understand, unless the one true love of his/her life has passed away. It's as though your heart has been ripped in half, the pain unimaginable... It SUCKS!!!

    I was skeptical when I first joined. I didn't think that an online support group could help me. I was so wrong!!! This became my safe place, the place I came to when I needed to "talk," when I couldn't stop crying, and needed "virtual hugs," when I wanted to "listen" to others' stories, and when I wanted advice. (This is a judgement free zone. If someone gives you advice, you can take it or leave it. You will be supported in whatever decisions you make. You have to do what works best for you.) I was amazed by the way beyond caring, supportive, people I "met," some who have morphed into good friends, both on and off of this site.

    I want to make this post as positive as I possibly can. I want you to know, that even though, you're going through the very worst kind of heartbreak imaginable, there will be better days ahead. The time line is different for each one of us, but if you do all the hard work grieving forces you to do, eventually one day, you will find yourself smiling, even laughing, a real laugh, not one of those fake, forced laughs, and will realize that there will be better days ahead.

    Come here often, share your story when you feel up to it, listen to others' stories, and what helped them get through the very darkest days in their lives, repeat your story as often as necessary, our "GIC family," will always be here to "listen," to support you in any way they can, and eventually, life will become a mix of happy and sad, (to quote Robin, a friend, and part of our GIC "family), never as good as it once was, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, so much better than the alternative. (Unfortunately, run-on sentences are one of my specialties, lol...)

    Backing up a bit, when Bob first transitioned, I bought every book on mourning/grieving I could find, but ended up donating most of them. One of the only books that helped me was recommended by Lou, another friend, and member of our "GIC family." It is called "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba. It's a short, easy to read book, one I kept on the night table by my bed, and referred to often. Tom Zuba speaks from experience. His eighteen month old daughter, his wife, and one of his sons' died, all at different times. Some of the very best advice he gives us is that in order to move forward, (He uses the word, heal, but I no longer believe we heal. I believe we just get used to living without the one true love in our lives being (physically) with us.), we need to repeat our stories over and over and over again, to anyone who will listen, until there comes a day, when we just can't repeat our stories one more time. I highly recommend this book as you begin this next, over the top, challenging chapter, in your life. For many months, I had trouble reading and retaining information, but I found this book to be a very easy book to read, the information in it, priceless.

    Your husband's death is so very recent. I don't want to overwhelm you with information. In the very beginning, I had many days when all I wanted to do was pull the covers up over my head, and escape from the world. Getting up, getting dressed, washing up, took lots of effort. It SUCKED!!! I found out that this is "normal," from "visiting" this site, and "talking" to other members who had been living through this total heartbreak longer than me. The best advice I was given, which I want to share with you, is if at all possible, get in some exercise, go for walks, etc, get some fresh air every day. If you're physically unable to exercise, just sitting outside, breathing in some fresh air, surrounded by the sounds and beauty in nature, that God created, helps...

    Another thing I found helpful, once again recommended by some of our "GIC family" members, was to make daily to do lists. Crossing off even small things, things that I took for granted prior to Bob transitioning, such as getting out of bed, getting dressed, etc, can feel like big accomplishments. Do only the things that you have to do, such as getting your finances in order and grocery shopping. Leave everything else that feels like just too much to handle. Try to get enough sleep and eat healthy foods. I know getting any sleep at all, and eating healthy, can be over the top challenging, but do the very best you can. Take care of yourself the very best you can.

    I think the thing that helped me the most, although I know this isn't for everyone, was adopting my dog, Skye, who has become my very best friend, my furry angel... I needed something to take care of besides myself. I needed to find meaning/purpose, in my life again. Skye needed me. She was found on the side of a rural road, no ID, pregnant, so thin, you could see just about every bone in her body, her fur falling out in clumps, alone, and terrified. She gave birth to eight puppies. A couple found her and called the rescue. We will be celebrating our one year anniversary, together as a family, in the middle of January. Skye has morphed into an amazing dog... I could go on and on and on about how much I love her, etc, etc, etc, etc, but will stop here.

    People tell me Skye is so lucky to have been adopted by me, but I think I'm the lucky one!!! Skye forced me to get out into the world again. Seeing the world through her eyes, taught me to slow down, enjoy the simple things in life even more... Every walk, a new adventure, no matter how many times we take the same route. It's the little things in life that matter most, everything else, just frosting on the cake.

    God knew we needed each other, and I'm so very grateful to Him for putting Skye in my life. I said I was going to stop "talking" about Skye a couple of paragraphs ago. In case you haven't guessed it, another one of my specialties is rambling, lol... Really STOPPING here.

    After over 32 months, I can finally say that life has become a mix of happy and sad, so very bittersweet. While just being happy doesn't exist anymore, I can finally say that I'm enjoying life again, looking forward to what 2024 has in store for me. Although it's been a long, S L O W process, I'm putting the pieces of my life back together again. Although they'll never fit the same, it feels good to want to be a part of this world once more. I'm S L O W L Y morphing into the person who I'm meant to be, now that Bob can't be with me (physically).

    You took a big step forward by joining our "GIC family." While it probably doesn't feel like it to you, you ARE!!! moving forward. When you feel up to it, share more of your story here. You'll be amazed at how much just "talking" to people who "get" it helps.

    I'm so very sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I hope you stick around, give our "family," the chance to get to "know" you, and you the chance to get to "know" them. Although I'm not here much anymore, you, along with the rest of our GIC "family," are always in my daily prayers...

    Sending you hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace... DEB & Skye