One month equals 1 week in grief time..

It's been a month and two days but seems worse, if anything, than it did.. I spent the last 3 mos prior to June 30th grieving his loss as I could see him slipping away. We fought a long hard tough battle for 5 years.. Over 40+ hospital visits of which 35+ turned into admissions. We beat stage 4 cancer even. I fed him via a tube for months. I couldn't believed we survived. Little did I know it was only the beginning. The things I've experienced and have seen, I can't UNsee them. There are sounds that play in my head like a loop tape that are from a horror movie. My husband was a fighter, as was I because I never let him give up. I continued to give him reasons to go on. Eventually I knew there was nothing left I could say or do. Other than hold his hand and tell him how deeply I loved him. It was so hard to accept we had to accept defeat after a 5 year battle with heart disease. But that man deserves everything and more we are promised in life. In eternal life. He loved unconditionally, he helped everyone regardless, he was a wonderful provider, companion, father, and undoubtedly my best friend I've ever had an will ever have. To say I miss him is an understatement. He could make me laugh until I hurt.. I miss his hugs. His loving hugs. I took them for granted as so many of us do when we aren't thinking about them being gone one day. He had so much to offer this world. And it was obvious at his memorial when it was 400+ people standing room only. I felt so honored. I was overwhelmed with emotion. I'm proud to carry his last name. I know I've NEVER loved someone so deep. I've never shared my entire life with someone like I did him either. Unfortunately that is what will make this pain stay longer, and hurt more.. I don't like things anymore. Anything. I can't manage to be the person I know he wanted me to be after he passed. I don't know that I ever will not do I want to..

 

Dear Amy, my heart goes out to you and I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I lost my partner after a six year battle 3 months ago, the last few months were very hard, I still hear her crying for god to help her when she was in pain. She was always apologising to me because I had to things for her that neither of us could have visualised only a few years ago, but what can we do when we love someone but help them be as comfortable as we can make them. I am sure your husband was grateful for the love and care you gave him and reading your story I don't think you could have done anymore. I wish you well Amy after 3 months since losing Trudy I am still finding things hard and I am only now accepting that I wont see her again she was my rock and I loved her so much. Finally Amy do let your friends and family help and support you, I found it helped me in many ways, god bless Ian

 

Wow Amy you said everything I want to say. My husband died June 4th 2016, he was diagnosed with liver cancer in February. Started a chemo pill end of march, and took him off it 8 days later. The lump on his liver was not shrinking it was still growing. He died sooner than we thought but he was at home where he wanted to be.

 

it was 8 days before he died they took him off the pill.

 

Amy, I feel your pain. I just lost my husband in May after a courageous battle with lung cancer. He lost his battle only 5 months after diagnosis. He fought so hard and never ever gave up... Not even at the end when he had no strength or lung function to breathe. We met when we were 17 and spent 32 years together. I am so lost. I miss him so much and I am trying to understand what this life is for. In an instant everything I loved and dreamed of and the person that completed everything about me was gone. The pain gets worse each day, not better. He didn't deserve to die so young. He loved life. He was an incredible husband and father. My daughters are suffering so much too. Our oldest is getting married next weekend and won't have her dad to walk her down the aisle. Amy, you sound like a strong woman, just as I know I am. We will survive this. We will keep our husbands in our hearts and somehow find strength to continue to go on. One day at a time.... It was our mantra once he got diagnosed and it continues to be mine.... That is the only way to get through the pain. I wish you well... I am happy for you that you also knew a love so strong with your husband as I did with mine; we cannot lose sight of how lucky we are for that.

 

Amy,

As I read your post.....All of my own thoughts, feelings, hurt, loneliness, desperation, and pain come flooding back. My wife (Leeanne) and I also battled a 5 year fight with a Orphan Cancer called Ocular Melanoma (Eye Cancer) and we also had many hospital visits, admissions, 65,000 miles driven, we wore out 2 cars, we left our home and new Empty Nest life in Colorado Springs to pursue a cure, treatments, tests, scans, blood draws, injections, 2 AM nurse wakeups, radiation burns, liver discomfort, and fatigue only to loose our battle. My wife and I (of 30 years) had a similar relationship, bond, love, life partnership, closeness, and commitment to one another. My wife was truly the better half, she was so loving, so kind, so considerate, so giving, so selfless, so beautiful (inside and out), and so much a part of me and me a part of her. My wife was not ready to go, she fought, she endured, she gave, she never complained. We too knew that her condition was terminal, however that knowledge could not help prepare either one of us for the flood of emotions, that her death would have on all of us. I too don't like things anymore, I am finding it very difficult to be the father, man, grandfather, and human being that she wanted me to be although she knew that I would be lost and she asked our kids and my sister to help me weather this storm, however most have abandoned me as they weather their own storm. For the color and joy has left all the things in life and all the color in my world has turned to gray, black and white. I am trying to find a purpose for the next minute, the next hour, and the next day. Jim

 

Amy,

 

Amy, I understand what your going through, not exactly on the same level, but i do understand. I know losing someone you love, is Painful.It was 9-06-16, I remember being asleep cause Malachi, was keeping me up and i had to take him to my mom at 5 in the morning and then go to school, well my boyfriend of 3 Years left that night and went to a friends birthday party, It was around 1:30 When we both finally went to sleep.(I have to turn the phone off at night Or else it will wake Malachi up.) Well at around 2:00 that morning Cody was hit by a train. I didn't know until in the morning, i got up and got ready for school, and took Malachi to my moms house. On the way there i noticed the tracks were closed off so I had to turn around and go the other way, well at the time i didn't think anything about it. I made it to my moms, she had a sad/confused look on her face. She asked me How am i doing, i said tired, but i will make it. I told her i had to pick cody up on the way to school, and she shook her head and said, no you don't Keara. I asked her if she had picked him up, she said no, but maybe we should go outside and talk for a second. I knew what she was going to say wasn't going to be good. I walked outside and sat down, in a chair. My mom wrapped her arms around me and said honey, the reason why cody don't need to be picked up is because, There was an accident this morning on the tracks, near your house. I was called about it, and i told them to try and call you that you were his Fiancee, I gave him your number, i tried calling but then i remember you turn your phone off. I broke down, i was angry and sad all at once. I ran out to the car , and told her to keep Malachi. I left, just crying and crying. I drove right up to the police station, walked in crying i went up to the Sheriff, and asked, what happened. He said we don't really know.. I started screaming, Asking all these questions, what do you mean you dont know?? I was upset. At first i was told, It was murder foul play. But now it's down to suicide... I can't really live anymore..

 

I understand stand your feelings completely. My husband was a fighter. We fought his stage four cancer for two years. I am a RN so I helped him through a lot. And like your husband he deserved it. He was a wonderful man. I only had him for about a year. I had cancer during that time and he took care of me like I was his child. Its b only been three weeks since he passed. God help me. How can I get over this. The pain is excruciating!

 

my dear Amy ~ Your story is something like my own. I can feel your pain. I still grieve for my Michael, who passed away on 17 Aug, 2014.
He was Agent Orange ~ 100% disabled by 2009, served four years in the US Marines ~ spent 13 months in Vietnam, ChuLai. Like most other victims, he came home and his life went on, no one suspecting that he had this silent Killer inside of him.
We met in Jan, 1975 and were married in Jul, 1977. We went on to have eight children, lost two more. I thank God that Mike lived long enough to become the Grandfather of seven wonderful grandchildren, even tho' I am afraid that the younger ones won't even remember him. But I will tell them all about their Papa Mike, who loved them all very much.
We fought AO for 20 years, starting with diabetes in 1994, on through liver and kidney failure, hep C, congestive heart failure (later developing into ischemic heart), 3.5 years of dialysis, anemia with multiple transfusions (too many to remember), seizures (grand AND petit mal), three amputations, blocked carotid arteries (one surgery there), ulcers, neuropathy, gastro-disease, sepsis, bed sores, cataracts...I think he had just about any-and-everything AO can dream up!! even after all this...memory loss, brain damage due to all of the pain meds and seizures, toxins left by the kidney disease.....he barely knew who I was sometimes in the last 2-3 months.
But he was a fighter in the true sense of the word...until the last couple of weeks, after a major heart attack, on the respirator...he finally went to meet face to Face with his God.
Like your own dear husband, Michael's funeral was packed ~ a con-celebrated Holy Mass, full military honors. I felt so proud of him it left me weak in the knees...
it STILL does. I will never forget that, as his casket was rolled out afterwards, through the vestibule to the waiting Hearse, about 8-10 "off-duty" altar boys who had been playing outside in the field, came in to salute him as he passed...some in a military-type salute, others with hands over their hearts. It was very touching and sweet.
I will love and honor him until the day I die. And then, I will be happy to be with him again forever...in Heaven. I can't wait...
I hope you can eventually find some form of comfort in your late husband's memory, in the love you two had for each other, in your family...I can imagine how much you must have loved him ~ and STILL do. And, above all, I wish you PEACE.