Old friend died—it’s hitting hard than I expected

His name was Michael. About a week ago I found out that he died, a little over a year after it happened.

I hadn’t seen him in over 30 years, but it hurts.

We were a “could have been” for each other. We met at work when we were in our mid-twenties. He had a girlfriend. I had a boyfriend. And he and I were definitely attracted to each other. But neither of us was really sure whether we wanted to do anything about it.

Long story short, we were never both completely single at the same time; and we didn’t get our respective acts together and try to make it as a couple.

Every so often I get the urge to google every person I’ve ever known. That’s how I found out that Michael died in October 2024.

Then I did some digging around the internet, and found out that some bad things had happened in his life and he had been in a lot of emotional pain.

I feel terrible about that. I wanted him to live happily ever after. He didn’t have that, and now I wonder if there was anything I could have done to help him or save him.

Even if I could have, it would have been problematic, because I’ve had a long-term live-in partner for over 20 years. Helping Michael (if I’d known he was unhappy) might have meant hurting my partner. That fits, in a way. Michael’s and my whole problem was that we were never single at the same time.

Anyway, I’m still trying to process this, a week later.