I'm 19. My name is Amy. I don't even know where to start... A terrible car accident happened and it was fatal for my father. I don't know what to do. How to continue or how to function. I just started medical school and I had everything laid out. I finally started coming to terms with the fact that I had C PTSD from childhood trauma, I was also coming to terms that I had a paranoia issue and because of that I was finally thinking of seeing a professional but I am not able to afford it because I am from a third world country and mental health resources are heavily expensive here so until I was able to afford it, I settled on doing the best I could. I set a routine, studied hard and smart, focused on moving forward and making my parents proud. I was finally getting somewhere. And then September 27 happened and just as I was getting somewhere. I was pushed face down and into the dirt by life's heavy boot. When I heard of the accident, I was told that he had a simple broken leg and I didn't drive up to the hospital because it was really late and my mother and I made plans to head up there first thing in the morning. We called someone to stay up there with him while they admitted him. Although my mother told me it was pointless, I rung his phone and didn't get an answer. When morning came I slept in because I was exhausted. I pulled a heavy study routine that day and was worrying about him so I was spent. When mom came home the first thing I asked was when can I go and see my dad. She didn't respond and instead told me she was gonna tell me the information soon. My mother then disappeared out the front door. I listened to my music and relaxed in bed. Anxious because I want to know when I can visit my dad who should be in recovery. I left the room for a drink and saw my mother entering the house with my aunts and neighbor. I greeted them , not thinking anything of it and got my drink. I did put away my earbuds because for some reason I didn't wanna hear music anymore. I was told to have a seat on the couch and I got confused because why do I need so many people to tell my dad was okay. It felt as if I already started shifting out of reality. I sat slowly with eyes widened, staring at my aunt who sat beside me. When my other aunt opened her lips and said "Your father has passed" I already started crying and the first words I uttered was "No. What do you mean he's dead? I do not understand. All he had was a broken leg.” I cried the most tears I was possible of shedding. I was snotty mess. I flapped my hands about and asked "what do you mean dead?! Dead as in what? How? Like dead ? You mean he's dead dead?" They fell silent and couldn't speak. And I wept and wept. Then I stopped. I felt like this wasn't real and that everything was fake. This wasn't reality. My head felt light, it's as if I was in another dimension. I went completely calm because I had classes to attend online but during it, I could learn nothing. I wasn't here. And then the tears came and came. And it's almost two days later when I'm writing this and it hurts. I can't function. My father is gone. He won't see me graduate from his alma mater. He won't see me and be with me when I go and get my ID taken in Friday like we planned. He won't see me reach 20 Or 30 Or 40 In my little bubble my parents were immortal. My dad wasn't capable of dying. It was unthinkable. . I already made plans to work and set money aside to care for him and mom when they're old. I was ready to care for his broken leg. I am not doing well. I googled for answers and never find why Why does it hurt so MUCH. It HURTS. I've never felt this much PAIN before. I've been in an abusive relationship, I've been bullied beyond compare, I've been beaten, hit, mistreated but NOTHING Has ever hurt THIS much. What do I do? I have school. I have to do well. But it's so hard. It hurts. My dad was a goofball. I know he'd never want me to cry. He once said if he died, all he wants is that my brother and I are fed and cared for with the money he leaves behind. He'd pinch my cheek or hug me up like a burrito and tell me why the heck am I crying?! He wouldn't want me to cry , he ruffle my hair and squeeze me until I shove him away with a playful scowl. Of all the things life could have taken. It took the Last thing I'd want it to. Life could have taken my laptop, my phone, my arm, my leg, my hair, heck even years off my life but it took him. The first man I loved. The man whom I am 50% of. I feel halved and hollow. I'd give ANYTHING to get if it's even a DAY with my dad. Dad please come back, I can't live without you. Dad please come back and let's go buy food by those tiny cookshops you like or let's go get fries. This time I'll pay. I miss you. I love you dad and now you're gone. And I don't know what to do.